Was it the Worst Experience of Your Life?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm 5 mos out of a 2 year roller coaster BPD rs where I became extremely addicted. I was nearly suicidal when it ended after walking on eggshells for the longest time and her having an immediate replacement after she said that would NEVER happen as no one would ever compare to me. I got drunk and lashed out with mean messages on multiple occasions and she got her kids involved and threatened police intervention. I basically went crazy. I have much guilt about this but am finally settling down a little bit.

I do feel like I may never ever be the same. This was by far the most devastating and worst experience of my life and the lack of humanity and empathy from someone who once idolized me and put extreme pressure on me to marry is incomprehensible to me. The cold emotional cutoff and complete lack of integrity was beyond disturbing.

Was it the worst experience of your life as well?

[Duped 1]

I'm 5 mos out of a 2 year roller coaster BPD rs where I became extremely addicted. I was nearly suicidal when it ended after walking on eggshells for the longest time and her having an immediate replacement after she said that would NEVER happen as no one would ever compare to me. I got drunk and lashed out with mean messages on multiple occasions and she got her kids involved and threatened police intervention. I basically went crazy. I have much guilt about this but am finally settling down a little bit.

I do feel like I may never ever be the same. This was by far the most devastating and worst experience of my life and the lack of humanity and empathy from someone who once idolized me and put extreme pressure on me to marry is incomprehensible to me. The cold emotional cutoff and complete lack of integrity was beyond disturbing.

Was it the worst experience of your life as well?

[FallenOne]

It was the greatest experience of my life that turned into the worst experience of my life...

I am over 2 months out of a 4 year relationship... I have met someone new who I have more in common with and they have taken my mind completely off of her and the breakup.

For me, that kind of moving on is the cure.

[roberto516]

I'm 5 mos out of a 2 year roller coaster BPD rs where I became extremely addicted. I was nearly suicidal when it ended after walking on eggshells for the longest time and her having an immediate replacement after she said that would NEVER happen as no one would ever compare to me. I got drunk and lashed out with mean messages on multiple occasions and she got her kids involved and threatened police intervention. I basically went crazy. I have much guilt about this but am finally settling down a little bit.

I do feel like I may never ever be the same. This was by far the most devastating and worst experience of my life and the lack of humanity and empathy from someone who once idolized me and put extreme pressure on me to marry is incomprehensible to me. The cold emotional cutoff and complete lack of integrity was beyond disturbing.

Was it the worst experience of your life as well?

i did the same thing. Threatened suicide, and then texted the meanest words known to man. Why this one hurt so much is because I was in a 3 year relationship with another one and she tore my heart out. Then I spent about 3 years working on myself and avoiding relationships. Then she comes in the picture.

And I thought I was better. Hell I finished school and was a therapist at a rehab! And so was she. So I thought "Hell she's a therapist so this has to be a healthy relationship!" And in the beginning she told me all about her traumas and said "Let's talk about our problems!" I should have know when she blamed all her exes for the past breakups and the victim role right from the get go.

But that's why this one has been the worst experience of my life. My grandpop passed away in December who was my best friend and I have recovered quicker than when she dumped me a month later. It's so messed up. But I guess it's because I accepted my grandpops passing and haven't  accepted that she is a heartless individual.

[roberto516]

It was the greatest experience of my life that turned into the worst experience of my life...

I am over 2 months out of a 4 year relationship... I have met someone new who I have more in common with and they have taken my mind completely off of her and the breakup.

For me, that kind of moving on is the cure.

That's where I'm messed up. Because I've been talking to this cool girl and we have so much in common. But she's "not her". If that makes sense? And she's being so nice that I fear it's the same thing all over again. So I'll probably pass this chance up because of my emotional state. Because with the BPD I swore I wouldn't get involved but I wanted to give love a chance one more time.

[Duped 1]

You texted mean messages too? Calling her foul names?

[roberto516]

You texted mean messages too? Calling her foul names?

If only you knew. Subconscioulsy I probably did it to help paint me all black. But she unfriended me and told me she needed time and only wanted to be with me. And I raged over something. Then she kept her distance and wouldn't want to meet up or talk so I raged again. That's when she deleted my family from facebook. Then I raged again because of her callousness and that's when she told HR we are no longer in a relationship. So I raged again. And that's when she changed from I don't want to be in a relationship right now to "I'm not in love with you anymore."

I regret it sometimes. Because if I gave her space we'd be together again. But I put so much water under the bridge. But that will probably help me in the long run. Cause if I'm painted black maybe she won't come back as much as I want her to.

[qawifem]

Hello, Duped1! Hope you're having a lovely wednesday!

My relationship was, sadly, the worst experience I've ever had. Or at least the worst relationship in general I'd ever been in.

I had known and been close with my ex since 2008 and dated him for just over four years out of that time. I've been single since late August, making the six month mark, and dropped contact instantly (despite him mentioning still supporting each other just maybe from a distance. I refused to even allow that and when he asked if I needed space, I said yes and dropped him completely). He didn't find me a suitable partner and, judging by his extremely cold behavior, painted me black for whatever reasons he felt appropriate.

I've never been so belittled, emotionally manipulated, insecure, anxious, depressed, and even almost suicidal with one person in my life before. I have an emotionally traumatic childhood, but even my father never made me contemplate ODing or jumping out a window from the sheer stress of being with this person and not pleasing him or not being good enough. I was still neglected and insulted with subtle jabs that would slowly stew under my skin and cause terrible distress.

The upside of us having this be the worst experience is that we now know what NOT to look for in a person. Hopefully we get an idea of what went wrong, why we were so hurt, and try again for healthy relationships in the future!

[dreamlike]

This was by far the most devastating and worst experience of my life and the lack of humanity and empathy from someone who once idolized me and put extreme pressure on me to marry is incomprehensible to me. The cold emotional cutoff and complete lack of integrity was beyond disturbing.

Was it the worst experience of your life as well?

I'm trying my best to find the silver lining in this awful experience. After all, I learned a lot about my self in this process. My need for attention, approval, and validation got me here. I always thought all her attention and admiration was too good to be true, but I still fell for it. The pain has been unbearable, particularly because its hard to wrap my head around how cold and uncaring she was when she got bored of me. How can someone just suddenly not care? 

I've never been so belittled, emotionally manipulated, insecure, anxious, depressed, and even almost suicidal with one person in my life before. I have an emotionally traumatic childhood, but even my father never made me contemplate ODing or jumping out a window from the sheer stress of being with this person and not pleasing him or not being good enough. I was still neglected and insulted with subtle jabs that would slowly stew under my skin and cause terrible distress.

This was my exact experience as well. Suddenly I felt worthless, not good enough, insecure, questioned my self worth, all becasue she didnt care for me anymore. I was extremely stressed all the time becasue I didn't wanna be or act in anyway she didnt approve of. She likes intelligent women, so I tried to be the most intelligent and talented one she'd ever dated. She liked strong, independent women, So i tried to be extra strong and independent. I've always been those things, but the pressure to BE killed me and actually made it harder for me to just be ME. I already was all those things but I felt pressure to be even MORE. I also felt suicidal at one point because of the stress of not pleasing her and not being good enough. That feeling is finally gone. I realize now that it was all her own projections on me. She didnt feel good enough, she didnt think she was intelligent enough, she didnt think she was strong enough. She derived her own value from the people she was attracted to, seducing and having relationships with smart/talented people gave her her value.

You texted mean messages too? Calling her foul names?

I think there's something about relationships with BPDs that drive people who are usually level headed desperate. I remember her telling me that all the women she'd dated in the past turned out to be mentally unstable. That she attracted crazy women. She was probably projecting her own mental instability on them, and now on me. But yeah, I got a little bit desperate and sent her one long text message and called her out on her wrong doings. In that text I called her a liar, manipulative, and one f you. She said she would have to block me because she was afraid I would go psycho on anyone she dated after I sent that text. So apparently now I'm the crazy one... .   

[roberto516]

.

I think there's something about relationships with BPDs that drive people who are usually level headed desperate. I remember her telling me that all the women she'd dated in the past turned out to be mentally unstable. That she attracted crazy women. She was probably projecting her own mental instability on them, and now on me. But yeah, I got a little bit desperate and sent her one long text message and called her out on her wrong doings. In that text I called her a liar, manipulative, and one f you. She said she would have to block me because she was afraid I would go psycho on anyone she dated after I sent that text. So apparently now I'm the crazy one... .   

Omg me too! I asked her to hang out stupidly trying to show her how much fun we used to,have and she said no and then "someone at work called my coworker and said you're depressed. You need to get over this and maybe you need more mental help" let me tell you it drove me through the roof! Like how can you not fathom that someone would grieve and feel emotions.

She did it a week before and surprisingly called and said she was sorry she was so mean the night before because she's going through some stuff. That I didn't expect. But it was probably because I had sent her the receipt for the engagement ring I got her before and maybe, for a brief second, she had some guilt? Is that possible?

[Pretty Woman]

To date, yes. But it taught me a lot about myself. I tolerated crappy behavior from a lot of people in my life. People could treat me badly and know I'd still be there for them.

I've managed to erradicate these people from my circle.

Going through this relationship, the abuse, the suicidal thoughts (me), the pain and almost losing the best job I ever had, I was able to sort things out once I went completely NC. My ex reached out twice in the beginning and I ignored it. It wasn't easy but it's the best thing I did to help me recover.

It was hard to get past, being essentially abandoned. But that is MY issue, not hers. Why do we crave someone or something that hurts us? That is what I needed to work on and now three years out I know my life is so much better and brighter. I made a bad choice and I won't again.

It's ok for people to leave. The world won't fall off it's axis. I just learned to let go with love and have faith better things are coming.

And they are, they have.

[SuperJew82]

It was probably among the worst times if I think about it. It turned me from a trusting, easy-going, fun, caring, individual to a paranoid, anxiety-laden, untrusting, confused, lashing out mess.

She wouldn't leave me alone. Every time I tried to get free and break up with her, she would come at me with the intensity of a thousand suns. Mine couldn't have empathy for me. She would text me that she loves and misses me while spending the night at her ex's.

From my experience, the only thing that mattered was making sure her twisted emotional needs were met. It didn't matter who got hurt in the process. She had no remorse and hurt me again and again and again and again. I kept forgiving her and giving her chance after chance after chance.

This pattern made my life horrible. I'm 3 months NC after a year and a half of hell.

I'm finally getting back to my old self, but I still have a bit to go. I feel good, but I can't get excited about dating anyone and feel perfectly fine with being single for awhile.

-roger

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Duped, Yup, it was the worst experience of my life.  Yet it was also the crucible for my personal growth, so in a weird way I'm grateful.  I had poor boundaries and used to let others walk all over me, which is how I got into a BPD r/s in the first place despite all the red flags.  No more.  I won't tolerate abuse anymore.  So I'm a lot stronger than I used to be.

LuckyJim

[qawifem]

This was my exact experience as well. Suddenly I felt worthless, not good enough, insecure, questioned my self worth, all becasue she didnt care for me anymore. I was extremely stressed all the time becasue I didn't wanna be or act in anyway she didnt approve of. She likes intelligent women, so I tried to be the most intelligent and talented one she'd ever dated. She liked strong, independent women, So i tried to be extra strong and independent. I've always been those things, but the pressure to BE killed me and actually made it harder for me to just be ME. I already was all those things but I felt pressure to be even MORE. I also felt suicidal at one point because of the stress of not pleasing her and not being good enough. That feeling is finally gone. I realize now that it was all her own projections on me. She didnt feel good enough, she didnt think she was intelligent enough, she didnt think she was strong enough. She derived her own value from the people she was attracted to, seducing and having relationships with smart/talented people gave her her value.  

That's literally it, dreamlike. I was already so many wonderful and positive things, but the immense pressure to keep it up and not upset him otherwise risk a cold shoulder was so heavy on my heart and shoulders. He NEVER thought he was good enough. His self esteem was below sea level. He at first thought I was an incredible girlfriend, only to start secretly resenting everything that made me, me. Because he was always compared to me. I was too good for him, yet NEVER good enough. At least those are the incredibly strong vibes I got from his energy and backhanded compliments. Blows my mind how cold people can be towards you for just being yourself, but it's also mindblowing how we can feel like we dropped a huge burden and can start being ourselves once we're out of the relationship!

Incredible how so many agree that this is the worst experience we've all shared, yet how we're fighting tooth and nail to learn and heal from it.   Shoutout to all of us. 

[vortex of confusion]

When I read the thread title, the opening line from Tale of Two Cities popped into my head. . .

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way. . ."

[hopealways]

By far the WORST experience of my life BUT also allowed the most growth. I am still purging emotions out of my soul. Would I do it all over again? Not sure. If I could grow this much with less pain I sure as heck would rather have that option. I feel like I am now the Dalai Lama in terms of personality disorder wisdom.

[IamGrey]

Without a shadow of doubt THE worst experience of my life. It's not just that I've lost a woman I now realize I never knew, it's not just that she instantly replaced me, it's the crushing relapses I'm having in recovery. I get fit and healthy for a month and then become a depressed sleepless mess who can't stomach food and am back to square 1.

[balletomane]

To date, yes. But it taught me a lot about myself. I tolerated crappy behavior from a lot of people in my life. People could treat me badly and know I'd still be there for them.

This was how it was for me too. I view my relationship with my ex as a magnifying glass that showed me this tendency of mine in terrifying high resolution and then exploded in my face, leaving me to pick shards of glass out of the wounds, clean them, and stitch them up. He once shouted at me, "You let people p1ss on you and call it rain!" - said because a friend had asked to reschedule a coffee with me and I'd agreed. He thought I should cut her out of my life for this. He was obviously unreasonable for wanting me to cut her off for a simple thing like that (I think this was part of his way of isolating me - he often found fault with my friends) but I could see he had a point: I did tolerate unacceptable treatment from people... .most of all from him. He was able to hurt me and take advantage in the way he did because I just wouldn't say no. It was the worst experience of my life only because no one had pushed me so far before or taken advantage so frequently, and looking back, I can see how I was always going to be at risk from men like him if I didn't work on being more assertive and sure of myself. Now I'm confident that no relationship I have will ever be as bad as that, because I've changed too much and I wouldn't permit it.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

I can remember a point when I was so attached that I felt if one of us was to go, I'd rather die first than be without her.

Boom. The pillars are knocked away. Everything collapses. I'm crushed.

It's the first time I've actually seen a future with someone, but sweet jamboree, when I realised the true essence of her personality all I could feel was so stupid for having that sentiment. Turns a serious, meaningful thing into something ridiculous pretty quick. Realising something that felt so right, that made real sense, could be made bullcrap by something underlying that renders all normal behaviour (including kindness!) incompatible was not fantastic. You go from having this person who's a close friend to finding out that they never actually existed. You were dealing with a semblance of traits that resemble consciousness.

It's such a crazy experience that it damages trust and faith in your ability to reason. You doubt basic principles of logic just because it's unusual for someone to act in the way you're dealing with. You get to thinking that surely there must be some sensible cause instead of 'this is messed up, I'm outta here.'

Coming to terms with what you were up against sucks but is also helpful to keep in mind. As others stated, it gives you the tools you need to identify potential problems in future relationships so you can properly defend yourself/get out sooner. I don't know karate but I know ka-ray-zee.

So beyond the initial physical pain and tumultuousness losing faith in my judgement was probably the worst thing I've experienced. But hey, I'm better now! If anything it's strengthened my resolve and strengthened me. Think it's that way for a lot of us.

[JHKMX]

Without a shadow of doubt THE worst experience of my life. It's not just that I've lost a woman I now realize I never knew, it's not just that she instantly replaced me, it's the crushing relapses I'm having in recovery. I get fit and healthy for a month and then become a depressed sleepless mess who can't stomach food and am back to square 1.
[/quote


This is my current situation right now IamGrey so i feel your pain quite literally. Ive been NC since november after she ended the 3 yr r/s due to about 25 pathetic reasons she gave me when in reality it was due to the bloke she'd been cheating on me with for God knows how many months previous! I go to the gym everyday and like you said its a case of just when you think you're getting there you're back to square 1. The worst for me is picturing them together. Even though i know whats round the corner for this guy, right now hes getting to enjoy all the best bits. The bits that got me hooked.

Take care and keep me updated on your recovery.

[Kelli Cornett]

Yes the worst to date... .

[swimjim]

I'm 5 mos out of a 2 year roller coaster BPD rs where I became extremely addicted. I was nearly suicidal when it ended after walking on eggshells for the longest time and her having an immediate replacement after she said that would NEVER happen as no one would ever compare to me. I got drunk and lashed out with mean messages on multiple occasions and she got her kids involved and threatened police intervention. I basically went crazy. I have much guilt about this but am finally settling down a little bit.

I do feel like I may never ever be the same. This was by far the most devastating and worst experience of my life and the lack of humanity and empathy from someone who once idolized me and put extreme pressure on me to marry is incomprehensible to me. The cold emotional cutoff and complete lack of integrity was beyond disturbing.

Was it the worst experience of your life as well?

Hi Duped. I understand your pain. Mine begged me to marry her 5 months into dating. She was desperate for marriage. I thought something was "off" about her because she was in such a hurry to get married. I knew nothing about BPD at the time. She smear campaigned me eventually with my ex best friend, called the police on me and filed a false restraining order. It will never make sense because its disordered. We are no longer the great white knight. Its a humbling experience but it's reality. We were living a fantasy. So were they. Hang in there.

[marti644]

Maybe it was the worst relationship but probably the best learning experience of my life. If it wasn't for the relationship with someone with BPD I wouldn't have understood my own poor boundaries or the low self esteem I had before. This was a growing experience for me and I choose to make it a positive thing.

[once removed]

it was certainly one of, if not the worst experience of my life. i was out of my mind for months. getting through it is something that i do carry with me, and am proud of.

some like to think of the experience as a "gift". while i think thats an empowering conclusion to arrive at, and its one ive arrived at myself, i do cringe when i see others telling people in pain that the experience is a gift. being cheated on was not a gift. being stolen from was not a gift. my breakup did provide opportunities, but it was hardly a gift in and of itself. it was extremely traumatic.

probably the best learning experience of my life. If it wasn't for the relationship with someone with BPD I wouldn't have understood my own poor boundaries or the low self esteem I had before. This was a growing experience for me and I choose to make it a positive thing.

i think that this is a great attitude. we arrive here in great pain and distress, wondering how we got here; wondering how this happened. and there are answers, and there is growth to be found in digging deep to find those answers, and to use that information going forward.

the silver lining, the growth, the opportunity, whatever you prefer to call it, is that process of realizing we hold the keys to our chains, to our recovery, to our brighter future. it is freedom, the final stage of detachment.

how do we get there? what is the difference in attitudes? what is the benefit to seeing it this way? its about moving from victim, to survivor, to thriver.

https://www.havoca.org/survivors/

where do we see ourselves when it comes to that chart? what work is left to be done to become thrivers?

[Huh?]

I'm a a decent looking guy, empath, co dependent and a people pleaser. Here's a story I never tell and I've kinda buried deep down... .my indoctrination to the way of the world was when I was 23... .and probabaly my darkest time.

 I met a new acquaintance though a car club I recently joined.  He was 15 years older than me.  After a year of friendship I started dated a girl who he disapproved of; next thing I know he has terminal cancer.  Suddenly, I'm getting phone calls and emails from his long past friends who lived overseas that he had always told me about since I had known him.  I was put in charge to take care of him, spend time with him in their absence. He told me his girlfriend dumped him because she wanted a family and he was gonna die soon.

Over a year or so of talking with his friends online, both men and women... .listening to his phone calls with them... .I started to develop a friendship with them all... .specifically a Spanish flight attendant friend of his friends wife.  I never spoke to her in person, but I heard her voice on my answering machine when I missed a call from her.

Long story short, everything became crazy... .craziness beyond posting here.   Over time, I started noticing weird things, like my friend wasn't looking sick.  I also noticed things like every person I talked to through email, was misspelling the same words wrong like, "tomarrow"

Many other strange things arroused my gut to start becoming suspicious... .but I was confused and couldn't reconcile the fact that somebody could fake cancer... .and what about his friends? And the voices I heard? And the girl I was talking to?

Eventually, after months and months of pain and confusion... .weight loss of 30 lbs... .almost fired from my job... .I went to my friends moms house when he was away.  I asked her if he had cancer, she had no idea what I was talking about and looked as confused as me.  She said no.  It was then I knew everything was a lie... .and he set me up to have him all to himself.  He got people to call me, pretending to be the people I was talking to online.  (One time towards the end... .during a heated argument when I demanded to talk to his main friend overseas... .I received an immediate phone call but it was my friends voice... .he was pretending to be this other guy)

Eventually, I contacted his ex girlfriend and told her everything... .she knew nothing of his "cancer" and told me she didn't break up with him because of that, she broke up with him because he was obsessed with me... .and that she was getting strange phone calls from men in the middle of the night saying to stay away from (her boyfriend).  She got weirded out and ended it.  Awesome, this was info I could have used 18 months prior.  It didn't end there, he tried to have somebody call me again pretending to be one of his "friends"... .but that guy couldn't answer a simple question I asked him that this guy would have known from our interactions.

So after that I went dark... .into a hole of confusion and depression.  It culminated in me physically assaulting this guy at his job... .the cops came, but let me go after I told them my story and questioning this guy who said he "didn't want to press charges and wanted to get home to his wife" They knew he was lying.  

So yeah, I got "catfished" before it was really a thing (this was 2001)... .except I knew the guy in real life.  I ended up packing up and leaving the state to clear my mind.  Three years later, I got into a relationship with my first " real" girlfriend... .a total NPD.  After she cheated and was done with me, I met a Cluter B a year later... .who cheated and kicked me out.  A year after her, I met my last ex, another NPD... .also cheated and kicked me out.  

I'm 8 months out of that "series" of relationships... .and after 15 years of pursuing these people because I want to "love" so bad... .I'm done.  I'm exhausted.  

Moving forward, life is about me.  I can't do crazy anymore.

[Huh?]

I'm sorry, I mis read the title of this thread and thought it was "whats the worst experience of your life?"  

I guess the above response was the long winded way of saying no, a NPD/BPD relationship was not the worst experience in my life.

however, that said... .things can always be worse; and they have been for others.  I'm happy I have my life and my health.  My dreams, now that I have autonomous ownership of my life (post living in nut job land), are waiting to be fulfilled.  Personally, I'm excited for what's ahead for me.

[marti644]

I'm a a decent looking guy, empath, co dependent and a people pleaser. Here's a story I never tell and I've kinda buried deep down... .my indoctrination to the way of the world was when I was 23... .and probabaly my darkest time.

 I met a new acquaintance though a car club I recently joined.  He was 15 years older than me.  After a year of friendship I started dated a girl who he disapproved of; next thing I know he has terminal cancer.  Suddenly, I'm getting phone calls and emails from his long past friends who lived overseas that he had always told me about since I had known him.  I was put in charge to take care of him, spend time with him in their absence. He told me his girlfriend dumped him because she wanted a family and he was gonna die soon.

Over a year or so of talking with his friends online, both men and women... .listening to his phone calls with them... .I started to develop a friendship with them all... .specifically a Spanish flight attendant friend of his friends wife.  I never spoke to her in person, but I heard her voice on my answering machine when I missed a call from her.

Long story short, everything became crazy... .craziness beyond posting here.   Over time, I started noticing weird things, like my friend wasn't looking sick.  I also noticed things like every person I talked to through email, was misspelling the same words wrong like, "tomarrow"

Many other strange things arroused my gut to start becoming suspicious... .but I was confused and couldn't reconcile the fact that somebody could fake cancer... .and what about his friends? And the voices I heard? And the girl I was talking to?

Eventually, after months and months of pain and confusion... .weight loss of 30 lbs... .almost fired from my job... .I went to my friends moms house when he was away.  I asked her if he had cancer, she had no idea what I was talking about and looked as confused as me.  She said no.  It was then I knew everything was a lie... .and he set me up to have him all to himself.  He got people to call me, pretending to be the people I was talking to online.  (One time towards the end... .during a heated argument when I demanded to talk to his main friend overseas... .I received an immediate phone call but it was my friends voice... .he was pretending to be this other guy)

Eventually, I contacted his ex girlfriend and told her everything... .she knew nothing of his "cancer" and told me she didn't break up with him because of that, she broke up with him because he was obsessed with me... .and that she was getting strange phone calls from men in the middle of the night saying to stay away from (her boyfriend).  She got weirded out and ended it.  Awesome, this was info I could have used 18 months prior.  It didn't end there, he tried to have somebody call me again pretending to be one of his "friends"... .but that guy couldn't answer a simple question I asked him that this guy would have known from our interactions.

So after that I went dark... .into a hole of confusion and depression.  It culminated in me physically assaulting this guy at his job... .the cops came, but let me go after I told them my story and questioning this guy who said he "didn't want to press charges and wanted to get home to his wife" They knew he was lying.  

So yeah, I got "catfished" before it was really a thing (this was 2001)... .except I knew the guy in real life.  I ended up packing up and leaving the state to clear my mind.  Three years later, I got into a relationship with my first " real" girlfriend... .a total NPD.  After she cheated and was done with me, I met a Cluter B a year later... .who cheated and kicked me out.  A year after her, I met my last ex, another NPD... .also cheated and kicked me out.  

I'm 8 months out of that "series" of relationships... .and after 15 years of pursuing these people because I want to "love" so bad... .I'm done.  I'm exhausted.  

Moving forward, life is about me.  I can't do crazy anymore.

Huh?,

This has been my life experience. I had an 8 month relationship with a BPD but what I realized after being on this site and researching on my own that I had been dating and surrounding myself with people with PD/BPD. There are plenty of people with PD and I am not judging them, but I have realized more and more in the almost two months of NC that I needed to construct all sorts of boundaries for myself. I was being used by so many people and thought this was normal. Now I don't. I am trying not to by hypervigilant but have been carefully constructing new boundaries with family, work, and friends that change the way people deal with me. I agree with you. Things could be alot worse and I choose not "to do crazy" anymore. Thank you!