Really need a kick in the butt

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just need to understand why I constantly fall into the trap of "let's see if today is good" then "let's see if tomorrow is good" and then I will finally disengage from my 4 year relationship with my pwBP. He rants and raves over issues that should not be so terrible. He calls me names, my children names-they are 24 and 21 and don't live with me. He can't filter his feelings or thoughts and it is like dealing with a young adolescent. My life was more peaceful when I was married to my ex! Yet when the cycle of love bombing starts, I get sucked right back in. I am terrified of the physical reaction my body has when I break up or he does-and it happens about once a week

[allienoah]

I just need to understand why I constantly fall into the trap of "let's see if today is good" then "let's see if tomorrow is good" and then I will finally disengage from my 4 year relationship with my pwBP. He rants and raves over issues that should not be so terrible. He calls me names, my children names-they are 24 and 21 and don't live with me. He can't filter his feelings or thoughts and it is like dealing with a young adolescent. My life was more peaceful when I was married to my ex! Yet when the cycle of love bombing starts, I get sucked right back in. I am terrified of the physical reaction my body has when I break up or he does-and it happens about once a week

[ArleighBurke]

I think it's easy to love the 'real him'. And if only he'd lose that BPD layer that makes him crazy, then I'd be able to have the 'real him' that I love. He's there, just below the surface. You keep thinking that the BPD layer can be solved, cured, ignored, but it can't. And it's painful that this wonderful him is ruled by that layer of BPD. If only... .

[allienoah]

You're right, I live in a world of "if only". I am very reasonable, logical and flexible and I can't for the life of me figure out why everything is so "black and white" with him. I am trying to learn all I can about his condition and what triggers him. I don't know what I can do to help him to be more secure in my love. He just puts a sinister twist on every thing I do that I don't consult with him first. I own a home, have 2 almost adult children who are 95% self-sufficient, and hold a good job. I think I can make some decisions for myself for heaven's sake. I honestly don't know how much longer I can tolerate his insecurity and isolating me.

[Grey Kitty]

Try to accept him as he is, conflicted, confused, and contradictory.

The ranting raving triggered guy isn't the "real him"

The nice, kind, love bombing guy isn't the "real him"

He really, truly is a person who can and will do both. Switching in an instant, often for no reason you can understand, because it started with a random thought of his, and was all inside his own head, having pretty much nothing to do with you or anything in the world outside his head.

Work out how you feel about being with this contradictory crazy-making guy. The real one. Because that is who he is, not the one you are hoping for or the one you are afraid of.

  No, there is NOTHING at all easy about accepting something like this.

[allienoah]

I think if everything just revolved around me, I could honestly say I could adapt much better to the 2 sides of him. The major problem I have is that the tug of war for control/care between him and my kids is driving my family apart and isolating me. My kids have clearly stated that no matter how I might want to stick with him, they can't respect that, or me for choosing that, and our relationship is severely damaged. I have been told in advance that he is not welcome at holidays, special events, etc. and if he is at my home they will not come. This only adds to his insecurity, and triggers episodes if I choose to spend time with them (one on one). He screams that they don't deserve me, my respect, or my time. These are my children and outside of this issue, they are successful, respectful, people. They want me to be happy and with someone-just not him as they have seen/heard his dysregulation. I really try so hard to validate his feelings, but I am starting to feel like I am losing a huge chunk of myself every time I try to smooth things over. I know he loves me and I love him, but I guess I really need more tools on how to deal with him, while also trying to maintain some decent relationship with my children.

[Grey Kitty]

The major problem I have is that the tug of war for control/care between him and my kids is driving my family apart and isolating me. My kids have clearly stated that no matter how I might want to stick with him, they can't respect that, or me for choosing that, and our relationship is severely damaged.

That sucks. Both your kids and your bf are behaving really badly, and you can't do much to stop any of them.

It is horrible to tell anybody "I need you to end/hurt your r/s with [person close to you]"

I have been told in advance that he is not welcome at holidays, special events, etc. and if he is at my home they will not come.

This is harsh... .really harsh... .but it is on the right side of one line, in terms of good boundaries. At least in this instance, they aren't telling you what you can or cannot do. Instead they are saying that they cannot be around him, and this is what they will do to prevent that.

He screams that they don't deserve me, my respect, or my time.

And that is worse behavior than you've described with your children. Sigh.  

I am starting to feel like I am losing a huge chunk of myself every time I try to smooth things over. I know he loves me and I love him, but I guess I really need more tools on how to deal with him, while also trying to maintain some decent relationship with my children.

"smoothing things over" is probably a euphemism for giving in to his dysregulation and abuse. Because he won't accept your children unless you make it clear that they are a package deal with you, and wedging you apart from them isn't going to work.

He may not accept that; he may decide he would rather leave than accept that, but this is his choice.

I'd recommend you take this approach with all sides of the tug-of-war:

"I have (other party) in my life today. I value you and want you in my life. I would very much appreciate it if you could be civil with (other party), even if you do not trust or like them. I will not participate when you are attacking (other party). I have told (other party) the same."

You probably will get different levels of pushback from various parties, but the standard/goal is the same.

... .and one other thing I'd consider telling your kids is that you do have concerns about your relationship with him, and you are doing your best to sort it out... .but you need to work through it for yourself, and you already know how they feel... .that you do appreciate their concerns for you and how you've been treated... .and most importantly, asking them to support you while you work on both trying to improve/repair the r/s and deciding if it is too late or not.

[allienoah]

Thank you for being so understanding. They are all acting inappropriately and there are days I just want to be without all of them! Well, I have stated to the kids that there is difficulty and I am working on what I want as far as the relationship goes. I suffer the consequences of that, and it is very harsh of them. They miss the mom that always put them and their needs first-even when not necessarily required. They are young adults and I am a single woman. Yet I think I allow everyone to treat me like a child and tell me what to do. Or feel guilty when it isn't what they want.
But my pwBPD is suffering. I can't fix him. I also can't live up to all of his extreme demands, and isolating tendencies. I feel I can't give up on him because I really do love the "good" side of him. However I really can't let him dictate my reality and constantly blame me for everything. I have to be able to respond in a healthy manner and leave when I feel myself being annihilated. And yes I do give in to his dysregulation and abuse. No one should have to put up with that. You were very helpful in how you posed the conversation that needs to be had with all three of them. it sounds very reasonable to me.

[Grey Kitty]

That "conversation" I recommend is only 10% about talking to your bf and your children.

It is 90% one you have to have with yourself. YOU have to believe it. You have to mean it. You have to be willing to enforce it. You have to be willing to insist that this subject is no longer being discussed, and if that doesn't work, you remove yourself from the conversation, or leave the house if you are followed around the house.

Both with your kids and with your bf. I *suspect* your bf will challenge you more and require more of your backbone... .but this is about you and what you will put up with, not about "explaining" or "convincing them that you are right and they are wrong".

I've generally found that people intuitively KNOW when you tell them something like this, but don't really mean it, and will let yourself be bulldozed over, which they then do... .and they also intuitively KNOW when you mean it, and they don't challenge you so much then.

[allienoah]

That makes a lot of sense to me. I actually do believe it and am willing to remove myself if they insist upon continuing the attack. You also hit the nail on the head that my bf is demanding I have more of a backbone with my kids. Demanding-as in "kick them out if they don't accept me in your life". I know the problem with this -outside of the obvious-is that I don't have complete trust that my bf will knock it all off when he feels he is the "primary relationship" in my life. I have the distinct feeling that there will always be another hoop to jump through, or another challenge to prove to him I love him. So when you say I need to decide what it is I will and will not put up with, that is the crux of the matter. I will NOT discard my children. I know they are being harsh and hurt, but they are my blood. I didn't spend my life raising 2 healthy productive people to throw them to the world over a guy that dysregulates so often. Honestly outside of the situation with my bf they are terrific. I am actually proud of them for setting boundaries, as clearly that is something I have never been good at. I was always the people pleaser. I guess I feel deep down inside that they are right about allowing myself to tolerate his verbal and dramatic onslaughts. And still I love him. So when he calls me wishy washy he is actually right. The 3 people I love the most in this world are at odds. I feel I need to own up to my bf that I will not throw my kids out, and let the chips fall where they may. I also need to be prepared to deal with the overpowering physical results-anxiety attacks, racing thoughts, sleeplessness, loneliness, headaches-that occur when he goes off and leaves.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't have complete trust that my bf will knock it all off when he feels he is the "primary relationship" in my life. I have the distinct feeling that there will always be another hoop to jump through, or another challenge to prove to him I love him.

  I'm sure you are right that this won't fix things with your bf. He's not doing this because your kids are the problem (even if they ARE a part of the probelm). He's doing this because there some sort of void inside him, and he thinks that if he can control you it will fill the void. If this "worked" aka if you did shut your kids out of your life, it won't be long at all before he will be feeling insecure, and reach for the same solution--trying to control you, shutting down other things in your life.

Ultimately, your r/s with your bf won't shift... .it will be a step farther along. You will be more broken down and isolated. He is being emotionally/verbally abusive, and that will probably a notch higher, perhaps heading toward physical abuse.

What will happen if you stand up to him on this will be a change. Especially after the dust settles.

Obviously, you have to confront your own fears, and if you have anxiety attacks, etc. You sound strong. You sound like you've seen them before and survived, and know you will make it through. (I hope you have found some good tools for self-soothing)

Your bf won't get to sooth his own fears or other feelings by controlling you this way. He will find another way. That choice is his, not yours.

He might choose to leave, like you are afraid he will.

He might also choose to try trusting you instead of controlling you, and let you "win" on this. (There could be a lot of noise, heat, and light before he gets there, if he does... .)

I see what you write and what you are feeling--you don't want to break up with your bf, but you are having trouble living in the conditions he's creating, in the box he's trying to put you in.

I feel I can't give up on him because I really do love the "good" side of him. However I really can't let him dictate my reality and constantly blame me for everything.

The middle ground is standing up to him, believing your reality, not participating when he blames you for everything... .and staying with him at the same time. It *IS* possible.

One thing you might say: "Please don't force me to choose between you and my children. You might not like my choice." Think carefully a few times before saying something like that--it isn't too far from sounding like a threat, and nobody responds well to that, but pwBPD usually respond worse than average.

OTOH, it *should* be pretty obvious--While I'm not a parent, I know quite a few. I can't think of any who would pick somebody else over their child if backed into a corner like that... .and to be honest, would be hard pressed to respect a parent who would! [Assuming their kid wasn't a murdering psychopath or something, that is.]

That your BF is even trying says something. Either he's very stupid and doesn't get this... .or he (at some level, perhaps not conscious) believes he has a disturbing level of control over you to think he can "beat" the loyalty of a parent to their child.

[allienoah]

I can't thank you enough for your response. I actually feel that it gave me some strength and insight that I am NOT crazy and am trying my best to deal with this. I can not and will not emotionally abandon my children. They are only looking out for me as they saw me verbally abused by their father. My solution would be for my bf to just stay away when my kids are over my house. It's not that often. But he insists that I slam down the point that he is welcome there with them. You and I both know that this means my kids won't come at all and I would be looked at as "choosing" my bf. That would make him very happy, and me miserable. He likes to twist it and say that's their choice but the reality is, he is not being reasonable. He does not live with me, so I find it reasonable to draw a boundary that he is to let me see my kids alone. I would not respect myself if I chose a bf over my children. Unfortunately, as I have been dealing with his BPD, it has certainly appeared to the world as I have done just that. The time required to deal with his outbursts, the emotional exhaustion and the isolation have put wedges in our relationship. I know I can repair the damage with my kids as we all love each other very much. I feel I am getting closer to just laying it on the line and dealing with the aftermath. He will choose to leave, but I have to accept that. The reality is I can't make any decisions without consulting him and that is not how I want to live the rest of my life. He really doesn't get that no self-respecting man asks a woman he "loves" to choose between him and her children. He truly doesn't look at it that way. He looks at it as that my kids "control" my life. They are not comfortable-on the few nights they stay over-if he stays over, or even comes for dinner. He just won't/can't accept that his outbursts have alienated him.

[Grey Kitty]

He will choose to leave, but I have to accept that. The reality is I can't make any decisions without consulting him and that is not how I want to live the rest of my life.

You have to be prepared for him to choose to leave.

And you have to decide that you *WILL* make your own decisions. As your boyfriend, he deserves consideration; his opinions should matter to you, and they do. But they shouldn't control you, and you've been sliding down that slope, and need to dig your feet in and change directions.

Try hard to go in with the belief that he can still choose to stay and let you have a relationship with your kids though.

I've found that people often live up to your expectations, both for better and for worse.

My solution would be for my bf to just stay away when my kids are over my house. [... .] He does not live with me, so I find it reasonable to draw a boundary that he is to let me see my kids alone.

That's kinda messy--It is your house, he has no right to be there, except by your invitation. But in a typical romantic relationship, you do welcome your partner into your house, give him a key, implicitly or explicitly giving him a right to be there. (At least that is what I'm guessing it is like for the two of you now)

So if you invite your kids over, you have to un-invite him specifically at some level, since it *is* a change.

In your shoes, I'd start by taking a stand about seeing your kids elsewhere first--at their place, or at a restaurant or some such. Save the battle over your house for after you've already won something showing you won't let him shut your kids out of your life. (Or for after he's left, and it isn't relevant anymore.)

[allienoah]

I do need to dig in and make my own decisions. Honestly I am the type of person who always thinks of him when I am doing something. The problem is I've given over too much power in the decision, stopping myself from doing things that would make me happy just to keep the peace. You are correct-I have slid down that slope and now need to climb back up. I do expect him to "do the right thing"-as he says, yet he doesn't. He can't. He gets triggered too easily so he isn't capable of seeing things clearly. Having said that, yes I have to be prepared for his choice-even if I am expecting him to back off about my kids. He does have a key and expects me to behave as though we live together... .I am ok with that except when I want my kids over. I can meet them elsewhere for now. It just makes me sad that I would love them to feel at home at my house, and my bf makes that impossible with this whole tug of war.

[patientandclear]

I appreciate GK's advice here but want to push back on the idea that the kids are behaving badly. Especially if they were raised in an atmosphere where their dad was also abusing you, I can't find fault with their stance here. I too tolerated abuse and frankly I would have appreciated friends taking the position your kids have. I was ultimately a little puzzled why friends who saw what was going on btwn my daughter's dad (not the BPD guy I post about here) and me would just continue on with spending time with us as if everything was OK.

I also have to question the premise of whether it is possible to stay in abuse and just mentally let it all roll off and not "accept" it. I lived that way for a long time and found it did profound damage. I think this is what the kids are reacting to. The issue with the BPD bf here is not just his control impulse re the kids, it's the overall pattern of abuse and control.

[allienoah]

Thank you patientandclear--I really do think as GK also mentioned, that the issue is basically the pattern of abuse and control. My kids are definitely reacting to "what I have become" as a result of dealing with my pwBPD. The excuses for his behavior, the hyper vigilance, consulting with him before making decisions to avoid a fight, etc-all have contributed to the situation. My T feels they are being protective and are trying to reel me back to my reality.
Having said that, last night was another exercise in dysregulation, splitting, you name it. All over something that happened THREE years ago. A very small incident where my close friend told me that while at a party at her house where all guests were around a table-it's a ranch style house-I got up to use the restroom and within 5 minutes my bf was asking where I was. My friend said where I was-and he knew also- and she related to me later that she found that odd on his part, as it was literally feet away from the table. He brought that up to relate to me his feelings that she is a trouble-maker. I replied that she's a very good friend and she really wasn't insulting him. I made the mistake as he got louder of saying that I felt he was being insecure at the time. Yes, big mistake as it set off WWIII. I really am tired of this. I know I did nothing wrong except get sucked into his vortex. The time is getting closer to just go NC because this is ridiculous. I know in my heart I did nothing wrong. He accused me of defending her, of accepting bad behavior on her part, you name it. And he is going into isolating me from her by saying she's not a good friend.