Hey everyone. Another member PM'ed me a few questions. I asked if that member minded if I answered publicly... .and they said it would be fine to share with everyone.
Big picture: Avoiding invalidation is critical. I think I do good at that. The times I still do it I realize quickly and shift. Sometimes it is intentional, depending on the issue. I try to be direct, succint and trust she will sort through it.
Validation is helpful. I was not raised in a validating family. We praised accomplishments, you "felt" good when you delivered results. Ummm... .I have a long way to go on validation. If I don't "see" a clear validation target, I offer empathy and listening and skip validation.
Empathy: Not taking things personally and RA have helped me be able to take a moderately abusive statement and offer to listen and understand... .and sometimes (less than half) the result is to calm things. "Babe... .I'm listening. I want to understand. What is the one most important thing you want me to get from what you just said. (My wife is bad about monologging) I am intentional about only addressing one thing when she kitchen sinks... and I make her pick. If she won't pick... I disengage.
Your mentioning language has inspired some ponderation, so if I may pry a little, I have a few questions.
Bring'em... .questions split up below
I was wondering if you feel you've adapted to certain body language, subtle cues, etc etc?
Eye's get a bit wider, face tightens, my wife will lean towards me some. I'm 250lbs... .wife is 115. Yeah... she will physically try to intimidate me sometimes. I stay neutral or call her on it.
Have things become somewhat predictable or is it still difficult to interpret what's coming next?
I'll go with somewhat predictable. Most importantly, by and large I've
stopped trying to predict. I think of this as conserving energy. I used to expend a lot of energy "preparing" for this even and that event... or perhaps possibility is a better word.
And... .at the start of learning about pwBPD... .I think that is worth the effort. It's good to think things through.
However... once thought through, most of us need to spend
way more energy on ourselves. In the relationship we need to
focus energy on a healthy response.
Plus... added benefit: If you haven't mentally prepared, you are a lot more genuine in saying "Wow... honey... .this matter seems really important to you. This is the first I've thought of it. It would mean a lot to me if you would let me think this through before I say anything further... .Can we talk more tomorrow night?"
Perhaps 1/4 of the time (and that may be generous) do we ever talk about it again. Kick the can down the road... .and forget about it. pwBPD are "in the moment" people. If it really matters to them, they will bring it up again. For the rest of the blather that comes out of their mouth... .listen, reflect back... .kick can down road... .
move along with your life. In addition do you find yourself understanding a meaning more automatically, or does it still require effort and contemplation to understand what's happening, what something means, yadda yadda?
Not really... .I AM better about realizing when there is something "real" there. I like to use the word blather. To me that is a step or two below dysregulation. Instead of
expending energy trying to understand everything... .
hand the issue back to them Back to the question of "if there was one thing that is most important... "
Honestly... .the times she has given me one thing, I can usually find a "real" issue to focus on.
It might sound bizarre but in the argumentative part of my relationship deciphering the meanings of what my ex was saying was quite similar to dream interpretation.
I can see this... .but, in FF world... .I don't see much return on energy for "interpretation". Perhaps another analogy. Make them do gymnastics... .instead of you. Many times pwBPD get some sort of "need" met by seeing someone twist themselves all up trying to accommodate BPDish sayings and ramblings... . :)on't do that.
There'd be loose fragments of things that seemed to bundle up into one, strange mess, and I could generally pinpoint the roots then go from there.
Yeah... I can see this. I would recommend... .at most... trying to find ONE root. I mean... .get them to show you the root that mattered... .or skip the entire thing.
The difficulty was getting her to a point where she would actually want to talk through issues (when we had a complete conversation she'd feel better).
Much much much better to say "talk through the issue... " (singular) (anyone noticing a theme in my answers?)
Seriously though... .when I talk about leadership of the r/s... .this is one of the things I'm talking about. They will show up with 15 issues.
True FF story... from before I read SWOE. My wife and I went to a biblical training conference and on the drive home my wife identified 47 different things that were majorly wrong with me... .based on her newfound knowledge.
47... . Now... .I hand her the task of picking 1.
Do you feel it's possible to get to that point regularly, or do you feel it's more effective navigating in a less direct way to achieve a result?
More direct is better. Assuming there is something to solve. Even in empathy, it's best to let them identify what it is that they want you to understand.
You're in the unique position of managing things to what sounds like a functional degree, so you seem like the best person to satisfy the curiosity.
My life is definitely more stable. A couple years ago I was worrying about my wife doing corporal punishment (beatings really) wrong... .and stopped that. No corporal punishment in a few years.
My current focus is getting the kids out of the line of fire and into some sort of healing therapy.
FF
