My mom's BPD is destroying me. I'm so lost.

[rainedbows]

Im 31, female and my mom has BPD. She takes it out on me. She refuses to understand I need to work to support myself and asks me throughout the week to hang out when I'm working so I'm instantly in her bad graces. I have a brother just a bit younger who doesn't receive the treatment I get. Today we got together for weekly lunch, where she didn't even say hello or barely look at me, yet was excited and told my brother how much she missed him. She cancelled Christmas last year hours before we were supposed to meet up and later gave my brother a gift but not to me, and refused my gift to her (I don't care about gifts, it just hurt). My birthday is coming up and it's almost always awful. I dread it; we get together and she's in a mood, then I go home and I'm so hurt that I can't enjoy anything nice that is done for me.

Which is about the story of my last several years; I'm so emotionally wasted that I am constantly stressed and just sad. I am so often hurt by my mom and what she has said and done to me in the past that I feel bad a lot. I have a wonderful life, yet this creeps in and makes me lose my patience easily and lose focus on me. The abuse hurts and it is awful to feel how much your mom hates you sometimes. I hate it for her because my brother and I enjoy the good times with her and GENUINELY WANT to spend good times with her, but the constant walking on eggshells is draining.

What hurts me most is that is isn't happy. What hurts me second is that she dislikes me so much of the time and tells others how much I hurt her (I see her and help her weekly, I just cannot be available 24/7 and meet every emotional need like she expects me to). I am alone because I don't discuss it because I don't want to ruin relationships she does have or sour perceptions of her, and I don't like to speak bad of my mom. I have been in therapy for years, which has helped me understand it's not my fault, and helps to some degree. I also had therapy with her which only made things worse because she won't accept any "blame" or her part, as it is all my fault.

I know if I end the relationship she will threaten suicide again, which could result in more guilt and stress than I have now and could handle, so I decide to vent on the internet of my perpetual loss.

 I wish I could describe the stress of this and have someone around me understand. I love my mom, I miss who she was. I miss who we were. I miss her being my friend. I miss her liking me, but maybe I don't like her much either anymore. I'm tired of being sad and being unable to bring her into the good in my life because she sees it as a threat to her. I miss enjoying the good times because I'm so afraid of the bad.

Thanks for letting me vent. It's been a rough couple of days and I have nowhere to turn. My heart goes out to all who deal with this in any capacity.

[heartandwhole]

Hi rainedbows,



I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. Reading your post, I can feel how much you care about her, and how difficult and hurtful her behavior can be. That is very stressful to deal with. Your feelings are so understandable. 

You've found a great place for support here. Not only have members here been in similar situations with a parent, but there are tools and resources on the site that can really help things get better for you.

What do you do for self care, rainedbows? Do you have close friends or other family whom you can count on in difficult times?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole 

[Im confused]

Hi rainbows, I understand your feelings totally.  I myself am in a similar situation with my mother and know how stressful it is.  I know exactly what you mean when you say you miss her, miss the times when everything is good, miss the best parts of the relationship.  The emotional rollercoaster is definitely draining. I'm here if you need to talk as well as the many other people in this group. 

[Charlie3236]

Hi Rainedbows and welcome! 

So sorry you're going through this, having a BPD Mom is the most horrible thing ever! It sounds like you're asking some good questions though on how to better/ more effectively deal with her and the pain she causes you. Have you check out the "setting boundaries" page? I found it very helpful in realizing what behaviors of my BPD relative I was willing to be around... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Once you start distancing from the emotional chaos it gets easier and easier to "radically accept" that what your dealing with is mental illness, and it's not based in reality and definitely NOT your fault. It helps me when my heart is (once again) crushed to remember that she is SICK.

Glad you're here! We are here to help and support in any way possible 

[Deep roots]

Hi Rainedbows,
   I read your post and wanted to reply just to your feelings. I am a mom of a BPD adult daughter in her 30's. You miss your mom as she used to be and I miss my daughter in the same sense. I wish I could adopt you as my daughter too! It all seems so unfair! I admire how much you love your mother unconditionally and that you are doing everything you possibly can. It must be so hard to keep being the giver all the time and not receiving much for your efforts. I do believe that when we give we will receive but it may not come from the person who you want or hope to get it from. It is a sacrifice of love. You will be blessed and rewarded somehow, someday. Don't give up. We must be the strong ones. Our hearts are broken but we have to bear it and find ways to love ourselves and also to reach out to others we can trust to find those who know us and love us. You sound like a wonderful person who any mother (one who does not have a mental illness) would love to have for a daughter. Sending you some love today... .. 
    By the way, I always had a very difficult relationship with my father. I had a big breakthrough when one day as an adult I realized that I didn't really NEED him anymore. I was free. You would like your mom close but you don't need her. She needs you.