I can't seem to make the move-yet I know I have to-just terrified

[allienoah]

Hi all! I just spent a very tumultuous weekend with my pwBP. We went out Friday night and had the most fabulous time. We were on the same page and all was well. I agreed to go to yoga and breakfast with him Saturday morning. We are both trying to get ourselves healthier. Well that was the end of the peaceful period.
A short background for this particular incident is that I have a sister who does not like my bf. She feels he is manipulative, controlling and verbally abusive. She has seen and heard of the eruptions-from my kids who also don't like him-. Well I have a ticket package for a baseball team that she and I have been going to see for 20 years. It is something we are passionate about. My bf insisted that this year he be included in the ticket purchase. He is not a fan of this team-he just wants to "experience it" with me. If we had added the 5th seat-there are 4 of us (all girls) that go-the seats would have been in a completely different area and not as good. So my pwBP and I agreed I would just take my tickets to my games and he could go with me. The only exception would be Opening Day as that is something us girls have celebrated-girls only-for 20+ years. He became so enraged with me that I made an exception and that I am willing to "break bread with the devil"-that being my sis that doesn't like him. He went into full blown rage, calling me names, bullying me verbally, goading me, taunting me. This went on and on. He left my house in a rage and proceeded to call me and curse me out. When I ignored his calls, he texted horrendous things to me. I understand that this situation triggered his fear of abandonment and all, but really? It left me exhausted and drained. I was called ugly, and old maid that was going to be left all alone because I don't "stand up" to my family members that don't like him. His only solution is for me to ask my daughter-who lives in the city-to remove all remaining possessions from my house and not come back till she accepts my life with him. He wants me to tell my son who is graduating college this year to get out of the house as well if he can't accept my relationship with my pwBP. My boyfriend and I had planned on moving in together but frankly I am terrified I would be a prisoner in my own home. He would definitely have something to say about my conversations with friends, always want to do everything with me and be included in every decision I make for my kids. My kids are 24 and 21, and their father is out of state, so everything does fall on me. They have no issue with me being with someone, they just don't want me with HIM as they feel he is "crazy" and inappropriate. They have seen the "love bombing" and then the anger when he disengages from me. I honestly feel like I am going insane. I feel like I should leave him and want to leave him, then I back down. I am codependent I suppose, but I know logically I need to break this cycle. Can anyone relate to this? How did you do it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allienoah]

This is really driving me crazy the fact that I know I should leave but can't. What would be the baby steps to jump starting the process? I really can't tolerate the dysregulation that goes on... .it is physically making me sick.

[Grey Kitty]

It is a really hard choice to leave a relationship. It can also be a scary and dangerous thing to do. It isn't something to do recklessly either.

Taking baby steps of some sort first is a good idea.

Since you are having so much trouble with the dysregulation / raging, try to get away from it in a faster, cleaner way, even if it is hard.

First, better to leave before he's in a full blown rage, cursing away, but leave when you can, as quickly as you can once you realize it has gone too far, and don't second guess yourself that you should have done it sooner, just get yourself out.

Second, not answering his calls was the right thing to do--you don't need to hear that crap.

Third, If he starts texting or chasing you on other chat/social media platforms, disconnect there too, one way or another.

Mute him on your phone so you don't get notifications. Or block him entirely. Or just turn your phone off if you don't need to hear from anybody else either.

You can undo all these things later, once he stops raging/cursing/etc. And if he's still at it or starts up again, shut it down again.

Some of it is just toughing it out. You know he's really mad at you. You know he's going to blame you for everything you do, and everything you don't do at that time. And you know he will wind down eventually. No, it isn't easy for you, but do your best anyhow, and try to take good care of yourself while you do it. If you can be with good friends or supporters while you are away that might help.

[allienoah]

Thank you for your words. I do need to get away faster and block him when these instances occur. I know that as long as I remain, these situations come up. I feel, and my friends/family agree, that he is trying to isolate me from all of them due to their "disloyalty and disrespect" for my relationship with him. It's the ball game now, tomorrow it will be dinner with my daughter, or how I plan on spending some time with an out of town girlfriend. I always have to think of how I will approach the subject without triggering him. Yet, as many of you know, he is always triggered. It really is exhausting.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I definitely know what it's like, as the wife of someone with BPD. I also think you did the right thing in not indulging the rage. Also, being aware that this is just his fear of abandonment lashing out is really important. I guess what stands out to me is the concern that he's trying to "horn in" on your "girls only" activity, and the fact that he is trying to keep you from dividing your attention (maybe a fear that there won't be any affection left for him?). I think, if you want to stay with him, you have to address the fact that you want to spend time with your sister, and that spending time with your sister doesn't mean that you love him any less. Ask him if there's anything he'd like to do with you, just the two of you, instead of this activity, which he doesn't really like anyway.

Another thing I'd point out is that I'd really think long and hard about moving in with him. If you move in, he will likely only become more possessive, unless you've established firm boundaries in advance. It's also harder to take some time apart when he's raging and lashing out. Right now you have your own space, and, believe me, that is infinitely valuable when it comes to having a partner with BPD.

[Grey Kitty]

allienoah, your bf has BPD or at least traits--he is mentally ill, and he will be difficult, no matter what.

Set him aside (mentally for a moment), as he will be an ongoing issue, and solutions are a lot more challenging with him.

Contrast that to your family and your close friends--they are sane, and they want the best for you. They are "easy" in comparison.

Right now, he's doing things to try to isolate you from them... .and they are fighting back... .they want to support you, want to protect you.

When you next have a chance to be with them (preferably one at a time), ask them to support you in the ways you need it... .and not in the ways that make it more difficult.

You don't need them pulling on you against your bf; that just makes you the rope in a tug-of-war, and that isn't good for you.

You also don't need them trying to talk you out of this r/s; you will figure out on your own if you need to leave.

You are stressed--and you can ask them to be tolerant of you if you are a bit all over the place emotionally.

One other thing--most people are blessed to have absolutely no idea what being in a r/s with somebody who has BPD is like. So you may find or may have already found that talking to them about the crazy things he does gives you weird looks or freak outs instead of support. This forum is one safe place to talk about it--we know all too well!

Doing "normal" things with other people, and NOT talking about whatever is going on with your bf may well be a relief and exactly what you need some of the time. Don't be afraid to ask for that.

Sooner or later, you will have to deal directly with your bf's attempts to keep you away from other people... .but you don't have to do anything different about that today.