After two months NC crazy love texting from ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Greetings all,
After two months of NC my ex is now texting me crazily, talking about how bad her life is, how much she misses, how much she loves me, how sorry she is, etc... .

My ex gave me hell last year, after ten years together, with a year-long of icy and detached behaviour which resembled a father and bad teenager scenario, horrible stuff, in her mind it was over and she proceeded to do god knows what, going out all the time, staying out all night, met someone I am sure now, while telling me to "move on, you are in denial"

In the meantime I was the sad puppy waiting home for her, then treating her like a princess as I was trying and trying to repair the relationship, trying to reconcile. I didn't want my marriage to fail. The more I did that the worst it got. Finally sold the house and moved on.

Now after time off she is so sad that she wants to reconcile! I am the love of her life... .man this is crazy, I still love her BUT she treated me so badly, what the heck right? How do you fix or even attempt to fix a relationship that was broken so badly? She basically sabotaged our marriage and did not care the slightest when doing it.

I know some of you have been there and taken the bait, tried to give it another shot... .I feel weird... .thanks for reading.

[blueblue12]

Greetings all,
After two months of NC my ex is now texting me crazily, talking about how bad her life is, how much she misses, how much she loves me, how sorry she is, etc... .

My ex gave me hell last year, after ten years together, with a year-long of icy and detached behaviour which resembled a father and bad teenager scenario, horrible stuff, in her mind it was over and she proceeded to do god knows what, going out all the time, staying out all night, met someone I am sure now, while telling me to "move on, you are in denial"

In the meantime I was the sad puppy waiting home for her, then treating her like a princess as I was trying and trying to repair the relationship, trying to reconcile. I didn't want my marriage to fail. The more I did that the worst it got. Finally sold the house and moved on.

Now after time off she is so sad that she wants to reconcile! I am the love of her life... .man this is crazy, I still love her BUT she treated me so badly, what the heck right? How do you fix or even attempt to fix a relationship that was broken so badly? She basically sabotaged our marriage and did not care the slightest when doing it.

I know some of you have been there and taken the bait, tried to give it another shot... .I feel weird... .thanks for reading.

[vortex of confusion]

Before you ask how to fix it, ask yourself if you even want to try. And, if you want to try, why do you want to try?

If you were together for 10 years, what would make this time any different? Has she done anything different since the two of you parted? Has she given you any reason to believe that she has changed?

[blueblue12]

Hello vortex,
No reasons, just she misses me and she is sorry. To be honest I have been avoiding her, have not seeing her and I am not that keen on meeting face to face, it's all been via texts. You are right though, what is there that is any different apart from sorry? Or apart from my life is so bad without you texts? I don't know, she also sent me one that said "can we work on our problems?" And I am thinking sure but... .the detachment and sabotage of our marriage was not of my doing... .I think she would need to take responsibilities but she may just put it all on me, all my fault, controlling man!

[vortex of confusion]

Can you go back to NC?

It sounds like you aren't interested in working on your problems or even meeting with her.

How are you feeling? Do you feel like you would like to work on things with her?

[blueblue12]

I would be interested in working on the issues, but the issue of leaving and sabotaging the entire marriage without empathy worries me somewhat... .is this going to reocurr in a few months and a few years time? the way the breakup developed was fast and icy cold, I was dealing with a new person all of the sudden after ten years together... .

[vortex of confusion]

If nothing has really changed, then yes, it is quite likely that this will happen again. To think that you can jump back in and work on problems without either of you attempting to make changes or go to counseling or do anything different is magical thinking.

I know how difficult it is to decide NOT to work on things. I have split with my partner of almost 20 years (17 years married and 4 kids). It is painful to say that I am completely done. I don't want to work on things because I realize that, even with a lot of work, it won't be likely for there to be enough change for me to be okay with what happened in the past or what may happen in the future. I can't put myself out there for him any more.

Only you know whether or not you want to give it another go. Either choice is okay. If you go back, make sure that you are prepared. There are a lot of great resources in the various forums. I think the staying forum has tools for communication that are invaluable for trying to work on the relationship.

[blueblue12]

Hello Vortex,
Thank you for your correspondence. Of course I would love to be able to repair the relationship. I have been going to see a T for quite sometime now and working on issues. Problem for me is that I didn't realise until late last year right at the end that she had traits of borderline. I had no idea what that meant. Now that I understand more, I can see the issues and the mountain of work and perhaps areas that may not be ever resolved due to my ex's condition. A lot of things took place that were extremely hurtful and they went down cold as ice, no empathy. She basically abandoned me and when I decided to accept, leave and say goodbye, the whole thing turned back. And now it is at a completely different place. Now she understands that she misses me, our life, that she loves me, etc... .it just seems late and desperate... .

[Sadly]

Hello Raul
Tricky this, you have been going to see a therapist, has she?, doesn't sound like it. Quite often I read here all the working on things are very one sided, it was the same for me. They sometimes agree to work on it, see someone etc but it's often just a means to an end. After all, none of this was really their fault !.
I guess you need to do a lot of thinking, I did because despite everything I still love mine, however, in front of me, at some point, is a bright shiny future, not the heartbreakingly tarnished wreck that my life had become. I will always love him, but I do not like or trust him.
Think hard and well my friend. As I wrote to someone earlier
silence is better than listening to lies or hearing words that have no meaning. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Love from
Sadly x

[blueblue12]

Hello Sadly,
Thank you for that! Yes like you I also love my ex, but... .I have lost faith in her and I don't feel like running to see her somehow. Her texts are sweet and you almost feel sorry, but then you remember the hurtful times. She definitely put me through hell last year. She decided to go cold and detached and I just got the silent treatment most of the times at home. It was a lonely existence while she communicated with the world but not with me! It seems I was the only 'persona non grata' in the world! And as she told me around the middle of the year "we are no longer together, we are separated" although I kept looking after her, paying the mortgage, paying bills, cooking for her on a daily basis! So I feel that by saying that she basically could do whatever she wanted. I couldn't leave the house as I was paying the mortgage and she couldn't afford it, so I was stuck! And so if she an affair during that time she could back that up with "well I told you we were separated" so I never asked, I just suffered in silence... .now is all changed, now she loves me and cannot live without me! Those are the messages I am getting... .

[Sadly]

Hi Raul
Yep, very similar. Mine too used to tell me we were not partners anymore, however we were the most together couple that I knew, living in each other's houses turn and turn about, holidays, visiting his parents. We ended up calling it together but not together and god forgive me I went along with it hoping it would change, it never did. I also knew if he met someone his justification/excuse would be " but we are not partners anymore"
I was so very sad and lonely, so very disgusted with myself. The last few months I lived with him knowing I was only there until someone younger, prettier, more suitable came along and then I would be out. Hideous, being used in that way. I left once for a few weeks, then got sucked back in, he changed to a degree, was nicer, not so much anger and shouting but not real love either, but it was still there underneath. I am still sad and lonely Raul but not as much as I was when I was with him. Hang in there mate.
Love from
Sadly   x

[UnforgivenII]

silence is better than listening to lies or hearing words that have no meaning.

  Sadly

I have put these words on my mirror.
These are precious words. All I am left with is silence.

[Sadly]

Hello Unforgiven

The words are a good reminder as we struggle with NC so it is good to have it where you can see it but know that it wont be there forever love. Embrace and cherish the silence, it can bring great peace, something we all need to help heal and recover from the noisy chaos of our relationships with pw BPD.
One day all of our our lives will be filled with good healthy noise again, laughter and genuine heartfelt words of affection, we wont be searched for hidden meanings that don't exist, we will speak and not be misunderstood and if we get it wrong we will be forgiven because we are entitled to make mistakes. I have to believe this, I do believe this. I love silence right now, I even cry silently but freely when I am alone. Silence and peace is a gift I give myself until I am ready.
Do you know, there is another thing I do now. I don't count the days anymore. If you were to ask me how long I have been NC I couldn't really tell you. I could go back into my posts and find out I suppose, and I know it was roughly after I went to Malta last year but I don't know for sure. When I first came here I would count the seconds never mind the days. I guess it helped, you know, another day got through etc, a milestone reached. Also I would ask the question, how long before it stops hurting? How could anyone answer me that one? You just have to believe that one day it will. I made time my yardstick and in someway it helped but in another it was so counterproductive. I failed constantly which added to my feelings of worthlessness. I used to think, look at these people, how brilliant they are to have reached 3 days, weeks,months and so they are but I felt rubbish. So I stopped counting and the time went by anyway . Works for me but everyone's different. You are doing so well my friend, so very well.
Love from
Sadly   xx

[kentavr3]

clear charming

[hopealways]

If she's BPD she will never change. Move on. Forget about your fantasy that this time things will be different. They won't. Guaranteed.

[daverisk]

Raul,

It seems as if you have a choice to make... .to attempt reconciliation or to continue to move forward in your new life.  It's not an easy choice.  Before I came to this board I wondered what was wrong with me that I was still in this 10 year relationship with my uBPD wife.  She's put me through so much and I'm still here.

I won't give you advice... .I'll tell you what I've decided to do.  After a much shorter separation I made one demand only for my wife to return... .that she get into therapy.  She now has a T and undergoes a psychiatric evaluation in about two weeks.  I strongly suggested, but did not demand marital counseling... .and she agreed... .and I started seeing a T myself yesterday to help me set boundaries, deal with anger, and address my own issues that have contributed to the failure of our relationship.

If you want more background on the issues I face with my wife you can see my first post, "Where do I even begin."  My wife never told ME our relationship was over (until the actual physical separation a few weeks ago)... .but she did say this to several of her friends... .including telling one of her sexting partners when he asked about me... ."we have only a formal marriage for a long time."

Whatever you decide... .I wish you luck and health.

[blueblue12]

Thank you for your thoughts Daverisk and Sadly... .
Its all pretty crazy stuff and it is hard to move on but I have to say after three months in which time I have not seeing her, I do feel calm and I do think of things from a different angle. She has been contacting me non stop, I am the best man ever, she has come to realise that! She did tell me that she had met someone (as I suspected) but the guy was not good, she has realised that she loves me and only me! I asked why not fix things with the guy and get back with him, her reply was "no he is not good, I am done with him, he is selfish, self centered, don't want to see him anymore" there you go, she met her match and did not like it one bit!

Meanwhile though I am meant to forgive her for her indiscretions, she made a mistake and I have to take her back and start fresh? It doesn't matter that she was dishonest, that she left me, that she did not give a damn about me, that she actually abandoned me, that she told me at the time that we were done and she did not love me, and all the other hurtful things she threw my way at the time, etc, etc... .

It is quite obvious with BPD sufferers that reality is completely beyond them, they have no empathy and feel no shame to just beg and expect one to change their mind and run back to them! I am quite shocked at the lack of reality check. It's ok to just say "let's get together and start fresh" it will be great no problem, you are my saviour basically... .ahhhhhh! Terrible stuff.