I don't know where else to turn...

[FoolsFolly]

Greetings.

I am new to this forum, and am in need of some advice. I'm new to all of this, really, and was directed here on the advice from someone in another forum (not related to this one), and after reading through many of the posts here, I believe this may be exactly where I belong. In short, I'm pretty sure the person I'm in love with and planning to spend my life with has BPD, or at least many of the traits, though (to my knowledge) has no diagnosis, partly because she would deny there is any problem to begin with, I'd reckon. Here is a bit of what I'm currently dealing with. Maybe one of you can offer some insight? I apologize in advance for the length.

I have been with my girlfriend for roughly a year now, and I love her deeply. Most of the time, everything is wonderful and I'm happier than I've ever been. Meeting her was like a breath of fresh air, and I'd say everything is as near perfect as it possibly could be, except... .she has these "episodes" (as I call them) that leave me feeling like I can't do anything right. And I get roped into them every. single. time.

Last night is a good example of what I'm talking about. She came home from work, turned on some music, and we fooled around for a while. It was awesome. Then, I got up and made dinner, she played her video games to unwind for a while, and after dinner we curled up to watch some television while chatting about our day. Everything was fine and we were laughing and giggling and talking and cuddling like we always do. Everything was pretty par for the course around here. A lovely evening thus far... .

But, then I leaned in and kissed her and playfully asked when I can have my *ahem* "turn" with her (she did all the "work" when we fooled around earlier in the evening, and I wanted to "play" too). I didn't use that exact phrasing, but basically I expressed my desires. And, just like that, her mood went dark and she said she didn't want to talk about it or she'd get frustrated and she went completely cold. Maybe I should have left it alone, but I pressed for her to explain what she meant, because I was genuinely confused and a little taken aback. It felt totally out of the blue and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. Had I even done anything wrong?

She said she's talked to me before about how she needs to be worked up a little, via me expressing my desires regularly (dirty talk, if you will), and that I obviously don't listen to anything she says. Then she mumbled something about this "feeling very familiar" and compared me to the girls she's been with in the past, which she knows cuts me right to the core. When I expressed that it hurt me when she said that, she quickly shifted the blame to me, claiming I was just looking for a reason to be upset and that I knew that's not what she meant.

But, the thing is, we HAVE been having pretty "steamy" conversations lately, and in fact had one that very afternoon, as well as the day before. So, again, I was really confused, and told her so. That's when she went into the "obviously it's just me and I have issues because it's always this way with everyone I've been with" and she went silent and rolled over to go to sleep. I tried to understand where all of this was coming from, and offered to work on it more in the future, but she shut me down and I swear she seemed like she was just set on being mad about SOMETHING. Anything, really. That's how it felt.

Then, this morning, she got up and quietly got dressed for work, while barely even looking at me, let alone talking to me. She usually wakes me up when she gets up for work, so we can spend a little time together watching the news and chatting a little before we start our days. But, today, it was basically the cold shoulder/silent treatment. She went to leave for work without a kiss goodbye and I stopped her, so she reluctantly gave me a quick peck on the cheek and walked out the door. She has been mostly silent since, and we usually chat often throughout the day.

The thing is, this is not the first time something like this has happened, and it seems to be happening more and more frequently. She gets all up in her head about something (the topics vary widely, are usually out of the blue, and I'm always left wondering what the heck I did wrong) and goes completely cold toward me. Meanwhile, I'm left confused, worried, scared and upset. As with yesterday, these "episodes" seem to come completely out of nowhere, rarely make any sense, and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, always afraid that some random thing I say or do will set her off. It's a horrible feeling.

I'm honestly not sure what to do. I truly love this woman and we have so many happy moments together, but I don't know how to get past this issue, and it's becoming a BIG one.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone at all? Am I in the right place?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

You are in the right place. 

It has taken me years to figure out that my wife's moods,  shifts, changes in direction,  are not my fault.  I may be the trigger but that does not mean I caused them. 

My wife gets triggered and 'pulls a file'and seriously it's on and popping.  And the train wreck happens and no matter what I say or do,  it's going to happen. 

In the story you told,  it sounds like you were very skillful.  But the file was there and it didn't go away. 

When I say a file was pulled,  I got that from an article I read here about Emotional Memory Management.  It's a long article but it has given my wife and I a shared vocabulary to discuss what happens.  I just printed it off and let her read it.  I didn't say that it came from here.  If you google Emotional Memory management, it's from a PhD. Maybe someone here can link to it. 

Anyway,  the sooner you recognize that sometimes out of nowhere (seemingly) the fairy tale world will disappear and there is nothing you can do to get it back except be loving and patient And don't take it personally,  the better of you will be. 

I absolutely know exactly what you mean.  And it's hard.  And only you can decide whether it's worth it.

[FoolsFolly]

Thank you for your kind reply, Olinda.

I'm glad I was directed to this forum. Reading all of the other accounts has made me feel much less alone, and definitely less like I'm going crazy or making a big deal out of nothing, which is how I have been feeling for months now. Like, maybe it's ME, you know? I'm glad I found this early on, as well, because I can only imagine that going through this for years before finding effective tools would be incredibly frustrating.

I will definitely look for the article you mentioned, as it sounds like it will be incredibly helpful. Just the term "pulled a file" makes total sense to me, because, yes, that's exactly what it feels like is happening. It is, indeed, a train wreck, no matter what I say or do.

After reading several things yesterday (both on this site and elsewhere), I chose to disengage yesterday. Not from her, but from the episode itself. This is not the norm for me, as I tend to frantically try to placate, fix, appease, etc., which only seems to annoy her further. I also didn't press her to "tell me what's wrong" or talk about the issue, as I usually would have done. I didn't ignore her, I just didn't engage in my usual behaviors, and she seemed to notice, because later in the afternoon she messaged me with an old photo of us and said she missed me.

When she got home from work, she was still pretty quiet and fairly cold toward me, and I could tell she was still in her head about things, so I went about my usual routine while engaging in light conversation with her about her day. When we finally sat down for some time together, she mentioned she was still "worried and frustrated," so I told her I was, as well, but that I suspected it was for different reasons. I told her (calmly) that I would like to talk about it when she's ready. She asked me to go first, so I said I was frustrated, because I know she's having strong feelings about something, but I'm not clear on what it is, and that I felt like her cold response to me came out of the blue, which left me worried that we aren't communicating effectively. I also said that, as her partner, I want to do everything I can to make sure her needs are met, and that I can understand how frustrating it must be to feel like you've told someone something and they seemed not to hear you, but that, perhaps, I needed more clear communication from her. I also mentioned that this is not the first time I've felt this way, with things seeming to come out of the blue and leaving me feeling frustrated, hurt and confused, and that I felt this is something we may need to address. Then, I waited for the backlash.

She did get defensive and try to argue for a minute and turn things around to make this all my fault, but it seemed that even to herself, her arguments didn't add up, which was refreshing. So, she apologized for "acting crazy" and we spent the rest of the evening talking things out more clearly, calmly and rationally. As of today, and for now, we are good.

I think the big difference with this episode, compared those in the past, is that I didn't engage until we could talk face-to-face calmly, and I worded things very, very carefully to validate her very real feelings and avoid putting her on the defensive, which only adds fuel to the fire. When we were first together and these things would come up, I would immediately defend myself and even get angry, but that was exactly the wrong thing to do, I just didn't know it yet. Then, I resorted to being equally cold and shut down, and that also backfired pretty quickly.

This is why finding this site yesterday was such a huge relief to me. Even after just a day of reading and absorbing information, I already feel a big improvement, and have gone from "I don't think I can do this anymore" to "maybe there is hope." I know I will need to take this a day at a time, but at least now I can do so with the right information.