Guilt

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Sometime I feel guilty for leaving. I know that I've done the right thing but I have a irrational feeling that I left her in the lurch. It's the only if  or could I have done more type of thoughts. Logically I know that the reason I left is out of sheer emotional  exhaustion and accumulated pain over several years.

[Aesir]

Sometime I feel guilty for leaving. I know that I've done the right thing but I have a irrational feeling that I left her in the lurch. It's the only if  or could I have done more type of thoughts. Logically I know that the reason I left is out of sheer emotional  exhaustion and accumulated pain over several years.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Wanted to chime in and say "me too". I endured a lot of crap before getting to a point where I thought it was best to end the relationship. When the feelings of guilt come up, I remind myself of two things:

1. I sacrificed myself to try to make things work.
2. I don't owe ex anything. I don't need to feel guilty for recognizing that the relationship was NOT healthy for either of us. It doesn't matter if one or both of us have BPD. The state of our mental health is irrelevant. It is healthy and normal to stop doing something that is unhealthy. Trying to continue in a relationship with ex was NOT healthy for him or me.

[Aesir]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Wanted to chime in and say "me too". I endured a lot of crap before getting to a point where I thought it was best to end the relationship. When the feelings of guilt come up, I remind myself of two things:

1. I sacrificed myself to try to make things work.
2. I don't owe ex anything. I don't need to feel guilty for recognizing that the relationship was NOT healthy for either of us. It doesn't matter if one or both of us have BPD. The state of our mental health is irrelevant. It is healthy and normal to stop doing something that is unhealthy. Trying to continue in a relationship with ex was NOT healthy for him or me.

Yeah. I get what you mean. Sometimes I just need a little reinforcement. Thanks.

[gotbushels]

Hi Aesir   

I think I know what you and vortex mean. For me, it's the idea that I put in so much expectation and had a clear idea of the future I wanted to create with this person--reinforced by consistent questioning of the plan, the plan, the plan. "You don't plan enough therefore you're not serious" was a big issue in my relationship.

When I was in breakup parts of "recycles", I often felt this guilt that I left her behind. Or I could have done something more. Or I could have done something differently that would make her happy.

Two things can help here, I think. 1. Reminders of your inventory of the relationship as vortex suggested; or 2. Revisiting your guilt, but with a focus on your feelings. E.g., if I feel guilt, why is it so, is there more than meets the eye here regarding my history, have I been through this before to no resolution, is this related to things I don't like in my character, etc. I think both of these help. 

You'll feel better over time. I hope you continue to find peace.

[mar356]

"Sometime I feel guilty for leaving. I know that I've done the right thing but I have a irrational feeling that I left her in the lurch. It's the only if  or could I have done more type of thoughts. Logically I know that the reason I left is out of sheer emotional  exhaustion and accumulated pain over several years."

The FOG will eventually settle. They are able to detach quickly and move on.  :)ue to their behavior of high/low it does make it hard.  You can't only be emotionally invested in only their good side which gets you hooked.  The reality is their bad side that is innate in them.  Hope you feel better.

[vortex of confusion]

When I was in breakup parts of "recycles", I often felt this guilt that I left her behind. Or I could have done something more. Or I could have done something differently that would make her happy.

This reminds me of an article that I read not too long ago. It is called, "How I believed it was up to me to fix problems in relationships". www.emergingfrombroken.com/how-i-believed-it-was-up-to-me-to-fix-problems-in-relationships/

There is a particular quote from it that I have been pondering a lot (there are actually quite a few bits that I found resonated with me):

4) Since I had long ago given up hope that anyone else would change, (it is not safe for children to believe the parents will change or to try to change them so in childhood it is natural for the child to try harder to ‘be good enough’ or ‘not upset the adults for fear of what might happen; this is part of a child’s survival mode’ and a huge part of victim mentality that needs to be changed in adulthood.)  I believed that I had to be the one to change and it was automatic for me to accept that. This childhood survival mode may have been necessary in childhood, but in adulthood it was a lie I had to break though before I could change that automatic response.

I have read this article several different times to remind myself that it isn't up to me to fix the problems in relationships. If I couldn't fix it, it isn't necessarily my fault and I don't have to feel guilty or figure out how I could have tried just a little bit harder.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Aesir, I wonder if your Ex tried to convince you that you were the sole reason that the r/s ended.  In other words, did she attempt to foist the blame on you, rather than taking responsibility for her part in the demise of your r/s?  If so, that's exactly what happened to me.  It took me a long time to figure out that she was transferring the blame to me in order to get it off her plate and onto mine.  Perhaps this is what happened to you, too?  It may help to look at your guilt in this light and then let it go.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Aesir,

I recently walked out and ended a very long on and off again relationship. She has never formally been diagnosed with BPD but she displays all of the signs of it. She takes no responsibility for her actions. She is a victim and looks for slights where there are none. She always thinks someone is downing her or trying to take advantage of her. She blames me and others in her family for her failures and how she feels about herself. Very low self esteem.

Sometimes there are no easy answers, I think that it takes courage to say "Hey enough is enough" and move towards a healthier path for yourself. You said so yourself that she blamed the world for her problems, you can't someone else you can only control two things your thoughts and feeling. What are you supposed to do if she doesn't want to repair the r/s, was it worse every time that you went back? ‎
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What has brought on these guilty feelings, is there something in particular that you've thinking about? Are you regretting for ending the r/s?

[Aesir]

Hi Aesir,

Sometimes there are no easy answers, I think that it takes courage to say "Hey enough is enough" and move towards a healthier path for yourself. You said so yourself that she blamed the world for her problems, you can't someone else you can only control two things your thoughts and feeling. What are you supposed to do if she doesn't want to repair the r/s, was it worse every time that you went back? ‎
‎
What has brought on these guilty feelings, is there something in particular that you've thinking about? Are you regretting for ending the r/s?

It's hard to say. I guess the memories (the good ones) and being alone brought about the guilt. Do I regret ending it? No. But I do regret some of the things that went on in the relationship that I let happen. I do miss her but I think it's due to her absence and not her personality.

[Mutt]

We can't change the past, we can learn from our experiences, that's how we learn, don't be hard on yourself. Do you think about the bad memories when you think about the good ones? Try balancing out your thoughts, or right it down, right down and look it with the good and the bad.

[gotbushels]

No. But I do regret some of the things that went on in the relationship that I let happen.

You're not alone on this one.

I do miss her but I think it's due to her absence and not her personality.

You could be right. Sometimes I'd feel this way, then notice that I was just missing company in general. I think it's a good sign to notice this because you can see you're a separate person from the BP--which makes it seem like you're less enmeshed.