Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:17:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: "The path out of hell is through misery"  (Read 448 times)
yogabrain

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« on: March 11, 2017, 08:01:27 AM »

"By refusing the misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell"

The quote is part of a worksheet of a distress tolerance handout worksheet and is related to DBT training skills.  

This resonated incredibly with me just now.  I am in hell. Only just this past week, I've began radically accepting that ... .it is what is is.  If I want out of hell, I have to take the steps to get out.  I have to go through the pain of accepting that my husband does not love me, and never did.  I have to see him for who he is.  He more damaged than I am.  I cannot help him get out of hell.  I see him as a child that wants to get out, but won't take anyone's hand because there are too many other distractions that keep him in a state of "this isn't so bad, if I can start over and get attention from someone else that I can "fool" to see the other "nice" me.  

There isn't two people in him.  There is only one... .he can just play act to avoid going thru misery; of doing the work of getting out of hell.
Logged
gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2017, 06:08:27 AM »

Hi yogabrain 

It seems like you're in terrible pain. That's what hell is. Yes, some parts of a relationship with such a person may feel this way.

You're not alone on accepting your situation how it is. Where did you come from to arrive in this place, how did you get here? It may get easier for you if you explore that.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I hope you find peace.
Logged
yogabrain

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2017, 07:28:21 AM »

Long Post
                                                                                                                                           It took 12 years to get here.  I met a man that was charming and attentive and it was magic!  He presented all the things that I needed and wiped away all the betrayals and hurt that I carried since I was a child.  I was recently out of a 15 year long marriage where it too felt like hell!  Not like this, though... .my ex was controlling, cold and had a sole purpose; to make money for himself (he refused joint bank accts) and I was left to raise, nurture my two small children by myself.  Then I met my current husband, who listened, confirmed and caressed all my worries. 

I was brought up in a family where my mother was cold and demanding, I don't remember any hugs or kisses from her.  I had a father who understood me and nurtured me.  I had a tender upbringing though, even from my mother, until I was about 8... .once I started to affirm what I wanted to wear and say and do... .the game was over!   She took over my life and I would cringe into a small little child when she was around.  I was a kid that loved to explore and was inexplicably happy.  I spent my days laughing outside and fixing the family dysfunctionality when I came home.  I basically lived in two opposite realities.

None of this was a conscious thought until recently.  I am now in my 50s and I have been forced to look back to events that I repressed.  My first adult (19 years old) relationship shattered me once time that only recently did I understand what affect it had on my subsequent relationships with me.  My first love understood me completely (I know he still does)... .and betrayed me terribly by living with an older woman next door to his parent's home for the first two years that we seriously dated.  I had no idea... his whole family lied to me.  How I came to find out is another long story, but it was abrupt and shocking and so traumatic that I became this hypervigilant person that was never going to let that happen again... .except that I wasn't smart.  I was only hypervigilant after a betrayal of some sort.  I was basically a doormat that got only angry and stood my ground after a betrayal.

Now to this relationship... .Here arrives a man that I gave me no reason to believe that he was dishonest.  After dating him for 3 years,  (1st shock) discovering that he was a cocaine user... .had numerous meetings with his ex (2nd shock)... .I was too emotionally invested to let go.  We broke up for a year... .the addiction of his attention and love(making) was carved in every daily thought... .we got back together and he moved in.  He moves in with me and the sex/intimacy halts to a slow pace... .confusion and fear/anger emerged.  His mother was very ill, and I did what came naturally to me, I took her in and helped her die.  I was sure that he would wake up and see that the "good" in me was to be cherished.  He did not... .he continued to devalue me.  I was confused because I would argue with him and he would say his distance was because I was arguing. 

One day, he buys me an engagement ring and wants to start over.  I take the ring and feel hopeful.  Eight months later, my family cut ties with me (I lent someone a lot of money & they wouldn't pay it back).  I finally asked (4 years later) for the money to be repaid... .some terribly things were said and my only surviving sibling cut me off... .(my parents passed away) and I was completely alone.  My then fiancĂ©e left me the very next day... stated "it wouldn't be right for me to stay with you knowing that I cannot give you what you need".  Wait... .there's more

I spent a year in mourning ... .times that I planned a suicide.  I learned about BPD then... .stumbled upon it when I was in therapy for my grief.  I had two grown children and I didn't take concerted action.  Then I lose my job of 15 years!  Then I reconnected with my now husband and we start... .once more time (just one more last time).  We get married and I am now in so much love with the man that finally rescued me... .all that happened before was forgiven and there was no BPD within him!  I was just "confused"

It was to be a fresh start... right at the honeymoon, he hardly wanted to touch me.  I knew it then... it was Bipolar or BPD.  Or was it the fact that I had home equity and he had nothing.  I knew it... .but I looked the other way... .hoping it was only BP. 

It's been 3 1/2 years... .and the intimacy is non existent.  He is a man... .I am an attractive woman... .why is he not smothering me with sex like my other past relationships.  I said... .you have BP... your father severly suffered from it, your grandmother had it... .your children (diff homes) suffer from severe anxiety... .it's obvious... .go get help!  The meds that were prescribed were not truly BP meds.  I became increasingly terrified of finding out that I was going to be the 19 year old that was traumatized... .I checked his computer... .phone... .cracked codes... .anything that would prevent me from being crushed at a moment's notice.  I found so many things about him almost each time I did... .each time, I was numbed... but surprisingly, not ready to end... .there was a restart each time.

Then there is his brother (a diagnosed BPD) who my H says that he is the only one on earth that he can trust and understands him.  His brother has degraded me in the past in ways that are inexplicable... .but at the time... what was I to do... .that was his brother ... right?  Wrong!  I say wrong only now

If it weren't for the fact that there is no lovemaking/sex... .I would still be dancing a perfect dance... .but the elephant is in the room... I pushed the issue.  He seeks out a new therapist and Psych and they both tell him that he is BPD with "low levels of BP".  There!  I was right!  ughh... .no... .the mystery is solved.  He goes to therapy once a week and says "I am BPD and I am working on it".  So... .now... .I don't believe he's working on it and check his computer daily... .he hasn't once looked up any BPD related anything... .has no once sat down with me to be the first to discuss the diagnosis.  I leave him for a week last Sunday. 

Last Wed he will not answer his phone... .I drive back to the house... cause now I am ready to see what is real ... .and I crack his computer... changed passwords... .find that he is at a hotel karaoke lounge.  I have never stalked via driving or confronting... .but I had to see it ... .I walk him... .see him with a woman at a bar... .she is wearing a vest, tie, spiked short hair... .obviously wants to be seen as a lesbian.  He is charming her... .smiling, touching her... .she is giggling, he's so into her that I sat across the lounge in a chair for 15 min seeing this and mesmerized to see the man I met 12 years ago that never came back.  Weird... .I thought... .she is gay.  What is he doing?  I calmly walk up to him and he is stunned... he introduces me as his wife... is wearing his ring ... .asks me if we need to talk... I say yes... .he walks away... .the woman says... .nothing happened... .I am gay.  I said, "it's ok... .this isn't about you.  I am not angry at you... or even at him."

I meet him in the car, he is raging and now obviously super drunk (he appeared only slightly inebriated inside).  He is calling me all kinds of names.  I just wanted to ask him... ."is this who you want to be?... is this what you finally want?  Do you want to divorce now?" He rages for a half hour at least.  I cannot get a clear answer and I am in shock that he was flirting with a lesbian... It would've been normal if she were heterosexual or maybe she was bi... .but she was not even the slightest bit attractive... he is attractive and could've hooked anyone else... .bizarre.

So... .my hypervigilance led me to this... the truth is not what he says, but what I saw.  All those other texts , emails, phone calls and lies... .were nothing compared to what I saw.  I came back home, rented a dumpster, cleared my basement, and I am clearing out my house for my next move.  I have a very big house and the thought of clearing all that was leaving me "stuck"

He went to therapy yesterday... .nothing happened to him... .he's just going like a sinner goes to church and expects a miracle... .walks outside and steps over the poor.  I am ready to move on... alone... .in peace... .and I need to get out of hell. 
Logged
yogabrain

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2017, 08:10:41 AM »

I realized that I am in the ":)etaching mode"  I can't figure out how to do this... .I'd like to move my discussion to the "detaching from the wounds".  I can just copy it to the new forum ... .does anyone know how to do this?
Logged
gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2017, 08:53:42 AM »

It took 12 years to get here.  I met a man that was charming and attentive and it was magic!  He presented all the things that I needed and wiped away all the betrayals and hurt that I carried since I was a child. 
What are the things that he presented? What did you need? How did he wipe away all the betrayals and hurt you carried since you were a child?

I was recently out of a 15 year long marriage where it too felt like hell!  Not like this, though... .my ex was controlling, cold and had a sole purpose; to make money for himself (he refused joint bank accts) and I was left to raise, nurture my two small children by myself.  
Controlling, cold, and having a sole purpose of making money for himself. What else makes up this person? Was there something else there that incited you to marry him?
Logged
yogabrain

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8


« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2017, 09:01:54 AM »

What are the things that he presented? What did you need? How did he wipe away all the betrayals and hurt you carried since you were a child?

He presented stability and unconditional love... .he presented the days outside that I was happy as a child.  He understood the pain of having an "inside sad home life".  He showed me commitment in the first couple of years by always answering his phone, never breaking a date or a promise
Controlling, cold, and having a sole purpose of making money for himself. What else makes up this person? Was there something else there that incited you to marry him?
Yes.  My mother loved him.  I was able to show my mother that I conformed and that made her happy.  He gave me financial stability (so I thought).
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!