Please help me. Struggling here

[Eazie520]

If you saw my earlier post, I ran into my BPD ex at the gym. The last time we talked he was horribly mean and blocked me from all social media and changed his number. I have been recycled soo many times in the last 7 years (I know I allow it). We have been NC for 6 weeks now.  When I last spoke to him he told me to lave him alone or he will file harassment barges (mind you I never reach out to this man. Ever).  When I saw him at the gym I was shocked. He approached me, I walked away and he followed me. He insisted that I stay and do my workout. But I declined. He assumed I was there to meet with another guy. I ended up leaving despite his attempt to engage. I have been struggling the last few hours since the incident.  I keep replaying what happened.  It hurt to see him. I am on edge wondering if I am going to hear from him. In the past he would obsess about any encounter and eventually reach out.  I just don't know what to expect.  I'm on the verge of a breakdown.  Part of me feels bad for not talking to him but I knew I couldn't engage.  I feel horrible. Someone help. I need some insight into why he would even approach me. Why would he want me to stay there if he was so adamant about blocking me from his life? Should I expect a follow up attempt to contact? I'm so shaken and confused and in pain.

[schwing]

Hi Eazie520,

One of the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."

This is to say, their perspective towards the people who are (or were once) part of their lives can alternate between wanting to engage with you (idealization) or wanting nothing to do with you (devaluation). When it so happens that they will idealize or devalue you may have nothing to do with your actions or behaviors -- it may simply be an expression of their disorder.

So when he was "horribly mean" towards you, and blocked/disconnected from you. That was an expression of his disordered behavior of devaluing you. And there is the possibility that he choose to work out at the gym where he might run into you -- he made this choice possibly during a time when he was idealizing you -- or at least during a time when he was no longer devaluing you.

You see, your BPD ex doesn't see himself as alternating in his perspective with you. When he is in one state, in his mind, he has "always" been in that state.  When he switches to the other state, he was "always" of that other opinion of you.  People with BPD (pwBPD) just roll with it.  But for people who do not suffer from this disorder, we are absolutely baffled by the changes.

At one time he really did *feel* like you were the worst person in the world and that's why he blocked you.  But his feelings alternated.  There is a change he might alternate again. And again.  He may or may not attempt to contact you again.  Whether or not you are exposed to his alternations is up to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Larmoyant]

Hi Eazie520,   

.Why would he want me to stay there if he was so adamant about blocking me from his life?

.

I used to be baffled by this type of behaviour too and schwing has provided a great explanation. The devaluation/idealisation cycles are traumatic and it’s no wonder you’re confused and in pain. Reading about this helped me understand what was going on and has really helped in my recovery. Keep reading and posting. We’re here to help you understand.

. Part of me feels bad for not talking to him but I knew I couldn't engage.

.

Leaving was a self-protective and wise thing to do especially when he’d previously threatened you with harassment charges. You were taking care of yourself and your feelings. Good for you.

.Should I expect a follow up attempt to contact? I'm so shaken and confused and in pain.

.

I completely understand why you’d feel so shaken. I can’t answer your question as I’m not sure what his pattern is, but given your history of recycles it could happen. Other than the gym is there any other way for him to contact you? If there is maybe you could consider blocking him from all avenues? Is there another gym you could go to instead of this one? At least for the time being?

I replied to your previous post and wanted to reiterate that these relationships cause much anxiety and pain. It takes time to recover from the trauma and its very early days for you. Hang on you have support here. We understand. 

   

[Eazie520]

Hi Eazie520,   
.

I used to be baffled by this type of behaviour too and schwing has provided a great explanation. The devaluation/idealisation cycles are traumatic and it’s no wonder you’re confused and in pain. Reading about this helped me understand what was going on and has really helped in my recovery. Keep reading and posting. We’re here to help you understand.
.

Leaving was a self-protective and wise thing to do especially when he’d previously threatened you with harassment charges. You were taking care of yourself and your feelings. Good for you.
.

I completely understand why you’d feel so shaken. I can’t answer your question as I’m not sure what his pattern is, but given your history of recycles it could happen. Other than the gym is there any other way for him to contact you? If there is maybe you could consider blocking him from all avenues? Is there another gym you could go to instead of this one? At least for the time being?

I replied to your previous post and wanted to reiterate that these relationships cause much anxiety and pain. It takes time to recover from the trauma and its very early days for you. Hang on you have support here. We understand. 

   

.

Thanks for your time! He has had this pattern of coming and going for 7 years. He will make an excuse to make contact. Sometimes it's been at the gym. Sometimes it's some BS story.  He will come around and we will be on ok terms for a bit, until the mother of kids finds out he's talking to me. Then he panics and will say we need to stop talking And move on.  This has happened countless times. I will leave him be. I never reach out.  Usually he will "move on" and play the part of happy dad for about 2-4 months and then he's back.  Recently it's been 3 weeks, 6 weeks, that he resurfaces.  But 2-4 months is average. When we talk he's said that he always comes back because he wants to know how I'm doing.  He's also said the only time he will stay away for good is "when he dies".  Right now I'm convinced he hates me.  Or tells himself I'm all bad to avoid the pain of everything that's happened.  I am just on edge that he will surface again to address our run in. 

[Larmoyant]

Given his past behaviour it sounds as if he could well try to make contact again and may even try to recycle the relationship. The important thing here though is you and what you want to do. He can’t come back if you don’t let him. Easier said than done I know. You mention being on edge if he surfaces again. What’s making you feel anxious? Are you scared that you’ll be pulled back in?

[marti644]

Eazie,

I feel for you. I deal with the anxiety of running into my BPD-ex everyday. Hang in there you did a great job getting out of the situation. Your actions demonstrate that you know you don't want to be near him and you want a better life. This is such a huge step. Proud of you!

It's difficult trying to find logic in a BPD's actions. The truth is there really isn't I think. They are fractured and thus never capable of logically progressive thoughts or feelings. For me, I am trying to leave it at "she's sick" when are start ruminating about her actions. Then I try to focus on how I will never be in that situation again, by looking at the mistakes I made. It makes me feel stronger everyday Closer to detachment and freedom over time.

Hang in there and keep sharing! This forum has saved my life!

[Eazie520]

You mention being on edge if he surfaces again. What’s making you feel anxious? Are you scared that you’ll be pulled back in?

I am not sure what's making me anxious.  I'm actually surprised he hasntt contacted me already.  The unpredictability is probably what's giving me anxiety. I'm also feeling very sad about it.  This person was a huge part of my life for so long.  And to have gotten to a point where I just walked out and didn't ask how he was or give him a hug.  It's just sad.  This man was my best friend. He knows all my secrets, and to have it come down to that, just made me sad.  He tried to get me to stay, probably with hopes of eventually talking.  But my fight or flight kicked in and I left. 

[Larmoyant]

Hi Eazie520, I'm sorry if I've got this wrong, but are you perhaps wondering if you did the right thing by leaving the gym? My ex made contact recently and I struggled wondering if my decision to ignore him was the right one. It made me feel incredibly sad and I’ve cried about it, only I’m not ready to talk to him right now. Not strong enough. It’s ok to take some time for ourselves. What good will it do us talking to them if we’re still in fight or flight mode? As a member on here used to frequently say “Take care of you”. It helped me to think that I could reach out and talk to him if I wanted as opposed to thinking he’s gone from my life forever. Time and space away from him is proving invaluable as I'm coming to grips with it all. I’m getting stronger. You will too. 

[sas1729]

Hi,
I wanted to reply after reading about your experience and thoughts, especially the last part about your ex having been a large part of your life. I was with my BPDex for 2.5 years, which isn't your seven, but in those years my ex was basically my best friend (as in your experience). When it finally ended (I ended it), the interaction was fifteen minutes. Then it was NC without recycling. It took me a while to heal. In my experience, the thoughts you are having, about your ex being your best friend and knowing all of your secrets, cannot easily be explained away. For me, the difficult part was accepting that I was partially responsible for allowing myself to be hurt repeatedly. I will admit that I'm lucky that the NC was permanent, so that did give me space and time to accept that the relationship happened and that those memories and shared life will always be a part of me.

I was sad that 2.5 years ended in fifteen minutes. It leaves you feeling empty - was I really not worthy of them "fixing" their personality issue? Part of me wanted to go back, because maybe "next time" my ex would see what happened wrong. Maybe "next time" they will miraculously be better, and my doubts about my self-worth will be put to rest. But it never was the case, over the 2.5 years, that my ex changed suddenly.

I think a part of the anxiety (and this is really just an opinion - in no way can I claim to feel what you are feeling) is that perhaps, if you do maintain NC and manage to avoid seeing your ex, that you may need to accept that those memories and friendship over seven years are possibly hollow. You truly invested your time and emotions, but we all know that being hurt repeatedly isn't friendship. In the end, take care of yourself, because you deserve it and you deserve to be happy.

[AustenJ]

Eazie-

It will get easier as time heals your wounds... .I know I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from my BPD relationship--and it only lasted 5 months! It felt like 5 years!

Unfortunately, I work with my ex every day... .I have been NC/LC for about 3 months. Really for the first time this past week or so, I have not been ruminating about my ex... .it is so freeing being out of that horrific relationship! I know that I have been replaced, and supposedly she is in therapy now, but none of that matters to me any longer... .I refuse to subject myself to the need to want to know what she is doing with her life. She made harsh choices about us that she now needs to live with. When she initially discarded me, she wanted to remain work friends. I asked why she wanted me as a friend after being her lover... .she said she didn't know why. If a pwBPD cannot put into words/thoughts about what friendship means to her, then how could she ever explain the complexities of love? Our relationship was all about fulfilling her needs, which I did, lovingly. But that was no way for me to live.

I'm content in knowing that I loved her the best I knew how... .I loved her full-out, and my compassion for her was unstoppable. If that's not enough for her, and she is unable to appreciate that, then that is on her. Healing and taking care of myself is on me.

On the rare occasions we see each other in the hallway or staff meetings, I ignore her entirely. She covered my class one day as I was testing students, and she didn't leave me a note, which I'm sure was very difficult for her to do. (I'll probably find the note hidden somewhere years from now... .)

I totally understand your anxiety... .we all do. Continue to focus on your personal journey of wellness. We have wasted enough time trying to figure out our exes. Let go of that. Breathe. Embrace yourself.