Did anybody here go NC then broke NC and reached out?

[underdog]

Hi Everyone,

I'm kinda new here - well, not really. I have been reading a lot of posts here and it had been extremely helpful. I had been with a BPDgf for 3.5 years until most recently, when things got out of hand, her BPD symptoms were coming up again and she had crossed my boundaries multiple times that day and went NC. Surprisingly as well, she didn't do the multiple calling and messages anymore.

12 days into my NC, I decided to reach out (BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE everyone. DO NOT REACH OUT AFTER NC.) as I begin to feel guilty and think that she wasn't too bad, my hero complex started to take over and the guilt just consumed me. I have started out prepared when I reached out and thought that at least if I did it, I woudn't feel guilty anymore. Well, it wasn't nice that's for sure and she would definitely humiliate you and insult you. However, by some coincidence, she showed up at an event where I was and there, we managed to talk. Cut the long story short, we talked but she was much much worse. I was in a worse situation as well. The bad part was there were some non-negotiable things that we both agreed to prior to the NC which she has been doing a lot of now. This has led to more stress on my end and eventually, just last night, calling it quits again.

It was the worse time of my life going through this. She had acted extremely bad (BPD at its worst) and blamed me for it because I went NC for 12 days. Finally last night, I snapped. She had devalued me to a point where I really felt worthless to her. I told her that since that is the case, I would like to get the money she borrowed from me back. Then she became mad, and blamed me further.

I am so hurt and confused now. I really am confused. Prior to this, I have been able to handle her tantrums by enforcing my limits and boundaries. She knows that I would either walk out or leave if she crosses those boundaries. It was also ok for me to go NC and cause the relationship to end because of that. However, by some strange twist of fate, she had me obsessing over this whole mess! This is insane. It is driving me insane. I don't know what happened but they sure know how to exploit perceived weaknesses and use it for themselves. I feel this urge to tell her off on a lot of the distorted things she was thinking and telling about me.

I need help. I am so distressed. Thank you in advance.

[Huh?]

Yes, after my ex fiancé waif/hermit ended our relationship for a "break" and hang out with her mysterious "friend"... .I went NC.   She didn't care.  After six weeks I reached out and we started talking/hanging out again.

This happened probably 5-6 times over 2 1/2 years.  She keep me at arms length, I'd resist and try and get things back to how they were, we'd fight... .she give me the silent treatment for weeks/months, I'd cave and break nc... .we'd get back together, she'd keep me at arms length, etc etd... .rinse and repeat.

Last time we got back together for a few weeks she told me about the other guys she'd been seeing during our "breaks".  I immediately ended it because it confirmed my suspicions she cheated.

Currently NC for 5 months, haven't heard from her in 8.   I did what you want to do, told her through an email how she has treated me like garbage over the years... .no response, I'm sure she's using those emails to sell me to her toxic family/flying monkeys that I'm crazy or something.  

Do yourself a favor, don't torture yorself for years in an on and off relationship that's going nowhere like I did.  It was and still is, pure torture.   You'll never get what you want from her... .just walk away  clean and find somebody healthy.

She knows already why you guys aren't together anymore.

[Larmoyant]

Hi underdog, I’m glad you decided to post. Welcome to BPD Family   .

I’m sure many of us here have broken NC only to end up recycling the relationship and before you know it back to square one. I too went back and it was worse than before.

It sounds as if she pushed you to your limit and you understandably reacted. I tried to handle all the tantrums too, but eventually it all got too much. You mention feeling confused. Can you elaborate? What’s confusing you? It sounds like she’s drawn you into circular arguments where you end up with your head spinning.

.I feel this urge to tell her off on a lot of the distorted things she was thinking and telling about me.

.

I’m not saying you should or should not do this, but it might help to wait until your emotions calm a little. Try writing it out. You can also post it here if it helps.

Hang on. I understand the distress. We’re here to help.

[underdog]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

Hi Larmoyant,

I am confused because I had it all together until now. Meaning, I've tried NC before and it didn't shake me as much as I am now. I have been guarded as I know how BPDs get to be. Somehow, I find myself obsessing over things which she flip flopped on which were important. I can't seem to accept that and she had played to my weakness and now somehow, i'm just floored. It got my head spinning from all the things that didn't make sense. However, I know reaching out to her will be a mistake for sure but I also want her to pay me back for all the money she borrowed through the years so I wanted to ask her about it.

In any case, I find myself restless, intensely angry and having a hard time regulating my emotions. I always thought I'd be able to handle this. It's hard to admit, but now, i'm a mess. I don't expect it to be this bad.

[Larmoyant]

Hi underdog, like you I also became more guarded and was also much more shaken each time it ended. It’s probably the increased exposure to the devaluation and abuse. We become trauma bonded.

I get the flip-flopping too. He often seemed to adopt different personas and acted differently depending on who he was with and yes it caused a lot of confusion. His values changed with the wind.

It’s no wonder you’re feeling restless and angry and you are entitled to those feelings.  I used to exercise, and I’d walk a lot until it I’d worked through the emotion, but it’s not easy.

Feel what you feel, write it out, keep reading and posting. We’ll help you through it. 

[underdog]

I've always seen the flip flopping through the years and there were ways I learned to straighten it out. It's just that she found an issue which I have been particularly sensitive about and she quickly went to work, causing so much damage and yes - devaluing me.

Trauma bonding - that's interesting. It makes a lot of sense. How does one overcome that?

And you know what's bad? I am thinking about her and am feeling concerned about her right now! It just seemed so messed up.  I feel so awful. So... .broken.

[Larmoyant]

Trauma bonding really resonated with me and helped me understand a lot. Try checking out this link and see if anything resonates. If it does I’d highly recommend you read the book by Patrick Carnes (The Betrayal Bond).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

.And you know what's bad? I am thinking about her and am feeling concerned about her right now! It just seemed so messed up.   I feel so awful. So... .broken.

.

I get it. I was where you are now. I’ve also battled feelings of anger versus feelings of compassion and still do. It takes a while to reconcile these two it seems. Just take it moment by moment. The feelings come in waves and they come and go. Not much comfort when you are in the middle of them, but as you process all that has happened they’ll become less painful. 

[underdog]

Does it always get worse if you are the one that broke NC and not the BPD?

[UnforgivenII]

Yes. You will be disrespected really badly.

Cut your losses.Forget the money. No contact. We will heal One day.

[underdog]

Unforgiven,

Thanks for that. I needed that reminder right now... .in fact I would need a lot later on.

Another question here: why would a BPD all of a sudden be ok with NC? Throughout the years, my BPDgf cannot stand NC and would always reach out.  The irony of it is bec she was ok with NC, you become more obsessed with the why.

[Pretty Woman]

They are ok with NC once they find someone else to focus on.

99% of the time this is what happens when they go dead silent.

If you reach out to them when they are with someone else, and they haven't yet started to devaluate that person you will be met with silence or severe vitrol.

And I agree... .any emails you send will be shared with others and you will be made out to be a stalker.

As tempted as I have been at times to reach out, the longer I have been out of this relationship the more I realize how stupid that would be. When things were "good" she kept her sister whom I work with at bay. My sending an email or having any contact could cause this person to go to my bosses and get me in trouble. Since I am painted black to my ex anything I do is considered a threat.

Silence.

It doesn't give you closure but it allows you to think clearly. It's also the safest route.

[once removed]

lots of members have reached out after the relationship ended. typically because the goal isnt clear, or its misguided (an attempt to punish or get the other party to "see the light".

no contact isnt a destination, its one tool of many.

it helps to clarify what your goals are:

do you want to rekindle the relationship?
what has led you to cut off contact?

[underdog]

Thank you pretty_woman.

once removed,

It was the crossing of boundaries that had led me to do NC. Things she was able to observe for a time but as you all may know, it will not be forever.

When I reached out, I felt guilty. I didn't want things to end the way it has ended. I guess I ended up looking at the positive side of her.

Now as I ended it again the other night, I am feeling so angry and wanted to talk to her for what she had said. It was so twisted. Ugh, but I also don't know how it would turn out and how badly I would react again.

[UnforgivenII]

Any interactions is going to be so hurting and so toxic. You are not going to hear what you want to hear.
Please take care of your precious heart

[underdog]

[Pretty Woman]

Underdog, Unforgiven is right. When they are in this stage all bets are off and anything she will say will be more wounding than the silence.

Stick to your boundaries. BPD's are "boundary busters" and many are masters at it.

When I look at the very beginning of my relationship, a month in my ex went crazy over a political argument. It wasn't even an argument. We were discussing presidents and she went off that I did not support the president she did. I told her I respected her opinion and she wouldn't have it. She called me every name in the book and got up in my face with so much anger I was scared. After calling me a A Hole a J arse and a effer I told her she was never allowed to talk to me in that way and asked her to leave my house immediately.

She ran out my front door, with my house key saying she was never giving it back. This was a 40yo woman.

I remember standing on my porch in total disbelief. I actually said out loud "What the eff". It was nuts.

Of course, she called me crying and telling me all about her crappy childhood as an excuse for her behavior.

I wish I had stuck to my guns. I knew this wasn't normal and instead of running the other way I tried to help someone who didn't need my help.

I needed to help myself.

[underdog]

Pretty woman, unforgiven,

You guys were right. She had painted me completely black and likened me to her mother whom she hates so much. Everything about me is wrong and I'm the bad guy. She blames everything on me going NC. I should have stuck to my guns. Oh how stubborn can we get.  Well, now I know.

Oh my precious heart and ego. It hurts but knowing that this was expected made it easier. Sorry, I just had to try and tell her what I think.

Pm chat anyone?

[underdog]

It was hopeless. Hopeless. No use reasoning with them. I never learned. I never learned.

I'm so hurt... .

[TallulahBlue]

I'm sorry.  I did that a bunch of times too.

[Sadly]

Me too, everyone here has I think. Stay strong, be here and don't be cross with yourself. If you weren't a decent human being you wouldn't give a sh*t.
Love from
Sadly x