Son's 9th DHS/CPS complaint.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would like to say thank you to everyone who responds to others heartbreaking stories, questions and the advice they give. I feel this is the only site that truly understands what we go through.  Our son was called by DHS 2 weeks ago (I felt something was coming, it had been a while) he was able to take the call, DHS said they had gotten another complaint and they wanted to talk with him before he had his son the next day. He asked what it was about, they said "someone" had called to say our son slept with a loaded gun by the head of his bed, that his 6 yo son had access to, and he didn't keep it locked.  Our son asked if he could call them back with a time he could meet with them, which he did.  He said, I would like to meet at my home at __time. I will wait for you in the driveway, I will not go into my house, so you can see exactly how my gun is kept.  Before anyone says, well that's great, but how do they know if he was in his house prior or not. Our son has a security camera in his house, it alerts his iPhone when he leaves, comes home, or if anyone breaks into his home. It also tapes all activity, 24 7... .So he waits in his driveway, DHS arrives, a woman and large man.  They walk into his home, and he tells them again about his security camera, takes out his iPhone and shows them the downloaded tape that shows when he left the house that morning, and how no activity had been detected until they just walk in.  He takes them to his bedroom, then to the bathroom, into his closet, and there on the top shelf is his gun.  They ask to see it, he gives the LOCKED gun to them, they ask where the key is, which is hidden in another room.  I was very impressed that he thought to do it that way.  It was his saving grace. They stayed a while and spoke to him about things. It seemed to go well.  They were shocked about everything that has gone on and more shocked that he wasn't even divorced yet.  On a side note he took his state board RN exam... .a 6 hour test on Monday and by GODS grace he passed.  For those of you don't know if he is found guilty of any of the 9 false allegations he will lose his nursing license. So we wait, once again... .his pretrial is the end of the month, and trial on March 9th. I often think back to the time when he worked over seas, came home for a vacation and first met his wife, oh how I wish we all had listened to the person that tried to warn us.  Little did we realize, or could even fathom the devastion one person could cause to our son and Grandchildren.  Thank you all for reading this, it's kind of my free therapy and always makes me feel better, just to be able to write this and know others may learn something or offer us advice. Thank you, truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you

[Panshekay]

I would like to say thank you to everyone who responds to others heartbreaking stories, questions and the advice they give. I feel this is the only site that truly understands what we go through.  Our son was called by DHS 2 weeks ago (I felt something was coming, it had been a while) he was able to take the call, DHS said they had gotten another complaint and they wanted to talk with him before he had his son the next day. He asked what it was about, they said "someone" had called to say our son slept with a loaded gun by the head of his bed, that his 6 yo son had access to, and he didn't keep it locked.  Our son asked if he could call them back with a time he could meet with them, which he did.  He said, I would like to meet at my home at __time. I will wait for you in the driveway, I will not go into my house, so you can see exactly how my gun is kept.  Before anyone says, well that's great, but how do they know if he was in his house prior or not. Our son has a security camera in his house, it alerts his iPhone when he leaves, comes home, or if anyone breaks into his home. It also tapes all activity, 24 7... .So he waits in his driveway, DHS arrives, a woman and large man.  They walk into his home, and he tells them again about his security camera, takes out his iPhone and shows them the downloaded tape that shows when he left the house that morning, and how no activity had been detected until they just walk in.  He takes them to his bedroom, then to the bathroom, into his closet, and there on the top shelf is his gun.  They ask to see it, he gives the LOCKED gun to them, they ask where the key is, which is hidden in another room.  I was very impressed that he thought to do it that way.  It was his saving grace. They stayed a while and spoke to him about things. It seemed to go well.  They were shocked about everything that has gone on and more shocked that he wasn't even divorced yet.  On a side note he took his state board RN exam... .a 6 hour test on Monday and by GODS grace he passed.  For those of you don't know if he is found guilty of any of the 9 false allegations he will lose his nursing license. So we wait, once again... .his pretrial is the end of the month, and trial on March 9th. I often think back to the time when he worked over seas, came home for a vacation and first met his wife, oh how I wish we all had listened to the person that tried to warn us.  Little did we realize, or could even fathom the devastion one person could cause to our son and Grandchildren.  Thank you all for reading this, it's kind of my free therapy and always makes me feel better, just to be able to write this and know others may learn something or offer us advice. Thank you, truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you

[livednlearned]

What a saving grace that he had the forethought to record everything!

I'm so sorry he has to go through this.

How is his son doing?

How is he doing?

[ForeverDad]

Take a ride with me in my Mr. Peabody wayback machine.  It was Oct 2007.  We had temp orders for nearly 2 years by then, with mother having temp custody and majority time.  School nurse had called me saying she couldn't reach stbEx and son was way behind with inoculations.  So I called the pediatrician's office and made an appointment.  A few days later I called and advised her.  Turned out that after raging at me she then called the pediatrician's office and raged at them for letting me the dad make an appointment.  The medical logs record the doctor writing he would fire her.  She was sent a "withdrawal of services" letter.  I didn't get one because she had temp custody, I was only dad.  How many 5 year olds have their pediatricians refuse to provide services?

Well, she must have realized how bad this made her look.  I was expecting some kind of overreaction, an attempt to make me look worse than her.  Sure enough, within a couple weeks CPS left a card in my door and wanted a meet with me.  Hospital too had records of an ER visit.  For the first time ever she managed to get him to go along with her allegations, that in a rage I had beat him on his shins and left bruises.  However, the interviewing nurse noted he had age-normal bruises on his legs for an active boy.  I don't recall if I got records of that visit before or after the CPS interview.  But I went armed to that interview, armed with a couple recordings.  I played where I had picked him up at an exchange and he was trying to show me his ouch bruises from the back seat.  I asked when he had gotten them, he didn't recall but then said maybe when he was playing on the monkey bars at a park she had taken him to.  Well, CPS said they'd already interviewed him at school, which they considered was a neutral place, and were prepared to close the case but wanted to hear what I had to say.  I played the recordings and I demanded a letter this time, the prior investigations were always verbally closed.  I got a letter a month later saying case was closed on "unsubstantiated" allegations.  They could have said unfounded, a stronger term, but evidently it's very hard to get that.

[Panshekay]

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner.  This all becomes very overwhelming at times.  Our son is hanging in there. We go to trial AGAIN next week on the 9th.  There is a new caseworker who seems to be seeing things how they really are.  I went down last weekend, horrible weather... .to meet her in person at our sons house but she couldn't make it because her family was ill.  That was disappointing for sure.  My 6 GS told me I wasn't his real GM, when I asked why he said his mom told him I wasn't. He also told me that his mom hated me and wished I was dead, so that's a bit concerning. I know this is never really over but I am so tired. But I will continue to fight for my son and GS and for what is right. Thanks livenlearned and Forever Dad for responding. You always make me feel better and give us hope.  I will keep you posted next week on how court went. Our son is still waiting for the "founded" allegations outcome, he is fighting that, but it sits in Salem now for a decision.  They are with holding his RN license until he hears the final decision.  I pray it all turns out well and the truth is seen. 

[Panda39]

My 6 GS told me I wasn't his real GM, when I asked why he said his mom told him I wasn't. He also told me that his mom hated me and wished I was dead, so that's a bit concerning.

Above is so painful but you see it for what it is... .grand(parental) alienation.  This says to me that your GS's mom sees you as a threat. I know you have a lot on your plate but as some point you might want to read up on that if you haven't already https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59950.0

I know this is never really over but I am so tired. But I will continue to fight for my son and GS and for what is right.

I just wanted to comment on this.  You are in the thick of it right now and it is exhausting, so many things are out of your control, your learning about how the legal system works and doesn't work, dealing with CPS and how that works and doesn't work... .so many things you've never had experience with or expected to.  You're on a steep learning curve to say the least! 

I walked along side my significant other through, his kids spying for their mom, parental alienation, false allegations of abuse, his kids be neglected by their mom, mom being evicted 3 times etc., but it has gotten better.  It does take fortitude, learning how things work, understanding the patterns of your son's ex's behaviors, good legal advice, good friends and support, loving your son and grandson and I think some stubbornness thrown in  .

You may be in for a fight that lasts a while, unfortunately these things can be marathons (my SO's divorce from his uBPDxw took 2 years) that escalates and de-escalates the length of time can feel like an eternity but I think the more time the court and CPS have to understand the situation, more time for the ex to show her true colors can work in your favor. 

My SO's ex portrayed herself as the victim of an abusive husband and most wonderful parent in the world,she started primary custody but over time showed herself for what she really was. 

She was neglectful... .pulled her older daughter out of school for a year to have her do on-line school from home (epic fail daughter got 0.0GPA that year), she made false allegations of child abuse and then didn't even bother to show up to court (out getting a mani/pedi with her daughter but told the court she was ill) the charges were unfounded, one daughter had a toothache and mom never got her to the dentist (dad finally got her there), mom would keep younger daughter out of school for a week for a tummy ache on Monday, mom was evicted 3 times one of those times we were able to get pictures from the evicting landlord that depicted an episode of hoarders... .

The divorce was tough but my SO ended up with Education, Medical, and Dental decision making (all the really important stuff) and 70%/30% his favor custody.  That was summer 2012. 

Where are they now... .Things were okay 2012 - 2015 the ex was still running her games but we had by then discovered BPD and this site and were starting to get a handle on what was going on.  We learned tools that helped us.  In 2015 mom basically screwed her daughters in big ways and at that time they voted with their feet and moved in with dad full-time.  Both girls are low contact with their mom and are doing well.

Yes mom is still there but has a much smaller impact on all of us these days.

So that is my long winded way of saying hang in there   

Panda39

[livednlearned]

My 6 GS told me I wasn't his real GM, when I asked why he said his mom told him I wasn't. He also told me that his mom hated me and wished I was dead, so that's a bit concerning.

One way to respond is to say, "How did that feel when mom said that?" People with BPD tend to be profoundly emotionally lonely. They try to secure attachment using desperate tactics that only create more emotional loneliness in themselves and others. With a child, those feelings of emotional loneliness that mom is trying to fan are near the surface, and so easy to tap. Your strength is that you can focus on your grandson's emotional truth. That is your ace in the hole, and it is incredibly powerful!

The court stuff nearly broke me, and I only went through a 10th of what your son is experiencing. The constant feeling of dread and chronic anxiety can at times feel unbearable. I am holding you and your son in my thoughts and prayers, that the caseworker sees what is happening and that your son can keep his RN license, and that grandson is resilient through all of this.

Let us know how things go on the 9th if you have a chance. We care.

 

LnL

[Stolen]

  My 6 GS told me I wasn't his real GM, when I asked why he said his mom told him I wasn't. He also told me that his mom hated me and wished I was dead, so that's a bit concerning. I know this is never really over but I am so tired. But I will continue to fight for my son and GS and for what is right.

Fight and fight until you can fight no more.  My mother passed away last June. She hadn't seen her only two grandchildren (my alienated daughters) in five years.  The evil gets spread so wide.

God bless you.

[Panshekay]

Thank you so very much livednlearned, Stolen and Panda39.   My GS is not open with his feelings. He just shuts down. He is supposedly getting counseling from some counselor who believes everything our sons  wife says. Our son has been trying to get a different counselor but that's a long process. I could go on forever. Having been a case worker for the state of Alaska, Dept of Health and Social Sevices for the Welfare Dept I thought that would carry a little weight but it has not. I thought they would find me a credible witness, I have been there when false allegations were made... .but it hasn't mattered.  Very frustrating and emotionally draining.  Part of the reason I'm so tired is it's a 3.5 hour drive, through the snow, I get down there for court and then the judge reschedules it.  I don't have a lot of ETO, so Monday I will have to work 12 hours, then the same on Tue, then 8 hours on Wed, then when I get off drive down so I can make court on Thursday morning. It's exhausting... .you get yourself pumped up to testify, and its rescheduled. The last 2 times his Wife hasn't even shown up to court   This is the DHS court case.  Again, thank you for all your advice, prayers and continued support. Without this site I don't know how I would be handling it. Thank you all! 

[Stolen]

Pan,

With your background it seems you can make a good determination of the expertise of the counselor(s). Have your read any of Childress' posts regarding professional competence and testing for pathogenic parenting?  Here is one link, there are more posts regarding this if you search around: https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2017/02/25/its-really-quite-simple/

Childress also provides profession-to-professional consultation, something that I learned of too late, but may be of help in your case.

I found the court and all the services associated with it to clueless when it came to alienation. 

[Panshekay]

Thank you Stolen, yes... .I know Dr Childress and his great work.  Our sons counselor is having his staff Skype with Dr Childress so they can understand the changes that will be coming.  He has been a huge help.

[SES]

I am a RN and have also faced numerous false allegations to CPS and the police.  Fortunately, my employer has been very supportive.  I have always kept my boss updated when allegations arrive.  Boss knows it is only a question of time until the next allegations.  My thoughts are with your son. 

I video record every handover, which I do at a distance.  CPS are just closing the most recent allegations, in which they insisted on mediating between my wife (she has strung out divorce) and I ... .two hours of her swearing and threatening me.   After she left (stormed off), CPS commented that she has problems managing her emotions. 

[ForeverDad]

CPS are just closing the most recent allegations, in which they insisted on mediating between my wife (she has strung out divorce) and I ... .two hours of her swearing and threatening me.   After she left (stormed off), CPS commented that she has problems managing her emotions.

Oh how that resonates with me.  At the start of my divorce we were ordered to have 3 mediation sessions.  Before the first ended, the mediator declared an impasse and told us to come back when something changes.  She requested to leave first, my spouse of 15+ years didn't feel safe with me in the same dark parking lot.  

Here's my pivotal moment in mediation:

Both the mediator and later the custody evaluator noted my then-stbx's claims that our son was "her" son.  The mediator picked up on it quickly when I pointed it out.  She claimed that in her family-oriented culture & language that's how they said it.  Mr. Mediator stated, You're here, not there.  (She was born here but is bilingual.  In reality, in her family the boys lived with their dad and the girls lived with their mother and abuser stepfather, so according to her actual history/culture our son should have been living with me and hence "my" son.  The CE actually put quotes around "her" when he put his observations in his report.)  She wouldn't rephrase it and eventually when we got to the custody topic we hit the typical impasse and mediation failed as expected.  After she left the mediator remarked in my hearing but officially to no one in particular, That woman has problems.

[Panshekay]

Our son has also kept the head of nursing and the nursing board updated.  The head of nursing has been very supportive and I believe has written an excellent character reference letter for him.  Let's see what happens tomorrow, court is at 9am. 

[Panda39]

Sending you and your son good thoughts today.   

Panda39

[Panshekay]

Thank you Panda39 !

[Panshekay]

What can I say?  I guess I can say the our sons uBPDw did show up to court this time, 20 min late but she did show.  After sitting in court for over 90 min our sons DHS case came up.  The DA said he wanted to dismiss the case, but the other judge hadn't signed off on it.  From my understanding the 7th allegation charge will be dismissed by the judge. Unfortunately the 7th allegation was "Founded" by DHS.  I don't know how many other people realize this but DHS trumps the Judge. Our son has 30 days to fight it.    It goes to Salem now for final determination.  If it is still "founded"  he loses his RN license.  DHS never spoke to anyone on our sons side of things.  Not one person, we tried but we're told we could say all those things at the trial.   There was no trial, they just decided he was guilty.  How is our son holding up?  Lots of anxiety, heart palpitations.  Everytime they go to court a few days later she usually makes another false allegation.  What was really interesting was after court I had to walk by her.  She was standing with her attorney, shaking, and near tears and totally playing the victim. He was saying "you understand what just happened right?.   The most interesting piece was when she walked out of court to go outside... .she was laughing, It felt like she was saying "you dumb poops, I just fooled you again"... .and... .she has. 

[Sunfl0wer]

he loses his RN license

It is my understanding, that even in the case of criminal convictions, that one has to have a complaint against their license made about them to their actual licensing board. (Not just the conviction)  Or upon renewal, if there are criminal charges/convictions when asked, the board can, if it desires, perform an investigation into the charges.  I am not sure how it works with DHS, and if this is considered criminal charges or what.  In any event, there IS a process.  It is not like the courts report things to the licensing board.  There is a process to determine if one should lose their license.  Not everyone "automatically" will lose it, as it is possible to maintain ones license AND have criminal charges so long as the board decides the charges do not affect the ability to be safe with patients, or perform ones duties.

I am not saying this as well and legal as it should be but the guidelines are included in the state licensing dept website usually.  Maybe a good idea for him to become familiar with them specifically.

[Panda39]

So it's still hanging out there   That is so frustrating... .everyone's life on hold... .this happened for my SO too.   

I would ask your son's attorney about when you can expect to testify, when will your son's side be heard during this process.

It's good that you have recognized the pattern of a new allegation following court and your son can be on alert.  It sucks but at least he can do his best to protect himself vs being a sitting duck.  Hopefully, you can mention the pattern during your chance to testify.

Well take a deep breath, hopefully the extra time can be productive for you, maybe you'll get lucky and the ex will reveal her true colors to CPS again (like the gun allegation at the beginning of this thread).

Hang in there,
Panda39

[SES]

Just checking how things are?  I can imagine the stress you, and your son, are going through.  I spent a night in police custody following one of my wife's false allegations, and had plenty of time to consider a life without my kids or profession. Fortunately, no charges and no further action. A RN colleague had a similar experience, his BPD wife accused him of attempted murder... .he too was also released the next day, no further action. 

[Panshekay]

Thank you Panda39, SES and Sunfl0wer... .I believe it is DHS's job to contact the Licensing Board, there is a protocol to follow, do they?  I'm not sure. I showed this post to our son.  He is very much on the up and up on things, as are his attorneys. Currently we are giving him letters on his behalf to send to Salem.   We are taking it a day at a time.  That's all we can do.  Thank you all so much for keeping in contact.  Thank you SES for your post.  When we see things like this it gives up hope. Everyone needs hope.

[livednlearned]

Everyone needs hope.

I ended up getting full custody of my son, and my N/BPD ex is a former trial attorney.

Lot of good that did him.

I learned so much from people here.

Bunch of angels on these boards. 

[Panshekay]

You are very right livednlearned. There is a lot of hope on this board. Everyone needs hope.  We have a very broken system. An interesting story, we have someone in our state  who was doing Daycare in her home  who was leaving the kids she watched  alone so she could go tanning. The children's ages were 6 months to 4 years old.  What is unbelievable is there were several people that filled complaints with Children's Services, but the claims against this woman were unfounded. She had been doing daycare for more than a few years. So here is someone who is guilty of something, but CPS felt the people making the complaints were retaliating against her.  Can you imagine leaving your baby or toddler  with your daycare provider and her leaving them alone?  How horrifying is that?  To top it off CPS finds it unfounded.                                                                                                                         
On the flip side I have a son who is found guilty by CPS/ DHS from claims from his undiagnosed BPDW who is hell bent on destroying him.  How can a system be so messed up? 

[SES]

My own experience of CPS is that they have been gender biased.  They ignore wife's behaviour, whilst paying attention to her false allegations.  Plus, they make clear they don't consider her dv police caution to indicate dv occurred. This is despite her admitting dv in order to receive the caution, and the police deciding it was dv in order to give her the caution. 
 
 One CPS social worker asked me if my wife had an affair because I couldn't sexually satisfy her- I believe this was said to try to get an angry reaction.

[Panshekay]

Yes SES... .I agree totally with you.  Our son doesn't have a temper at all, in fact he is really laid back.  One time DHS called him down and told him his S6 told them in an interview that our son was touching him.  Our son broke down sobbing. When they asked him why he was crying he said  "how many times are you going to interview my son, everytime you do that he regresses, he has started to wet the bed etc.  I do t know how many times I can tell you I have never touched my son, he has to wear a diaper to bed!"  They left the room and came back and told him no charges would be made on THAT complaint... .he asked for the interview tape, many times and never got one, it makes me wonder if my grandson even said that. I think they push and push, hoping to break him.  He is not guilty of anything. Like I have told them, " do you think we would fight so hard and so long if he were guilty?"  I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting... .BUT you keep fighting for your kids and grandchildren.  Like I say, I won't stop until they see the truth. I don't care how long it takes.   

[SES]

In my case I'm not entirely sure CPS want the truth, or even care about it.  It might not really matter to them.  I'm more resigned to just getting through the allegations relatively unscathed, rather than CPS finally seeing the truth.  

I can understand your desire for the truth. If I allow myself to think about the injustices in my own case I feel pretty annoyed, sad, depressed.

Like you, I feel really tired having to constantly defend and protect myself and my relationship with my kids.  It is overwhelming at times. 

A colleague at work- her partner is in the same place as your son and me.  As the step-mother, and a mother of her own children, and a RN... .she is facing allegations of neglecting the kids.  She too has faced this for years, ten in her case.

I realise my wife's past behaviour is a predictor of her future behaviour... .thus, there are many more allegations and dramas to come.  So, I need to be ready.

[Panshekay]

SES... .all very true.  They should care about the truth, they have the power to destroy lives, our children's lives!  A government agency should not have the power to decide the fate of someone without looking at both sides. Not once has anyone on our sons side been contacted. Our son is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though I hate the thought  of other people going through the same exact thing (being an RN) it does bring comfort, hearing your stories and they are all so similar.  You  have given me hope... .that's one of the most amazing things about this group, out of devastation there is hope and there are people that come out the other side of this hell. I love that other members give hope to newbies or oldbies depending where we are in this hellish journey. You all have saved me. Thank you