Cut my losses

[Dedicated Mom]

I'm 42 and have two little boys. I recently told my spouse I want a separation because I am too burnt out after 11 years of conflict and I need to get a hold of myself again. He is not interested in doing anything to improve himself in terms of the relationship. He just tells me, Maybe I'm just not good for marriage. Maybe we're just like Israel and Palestine and we don't understand each other and we'll never get along. So he's waiting for me to take the step to move out (I don't want to stay in this rental we have for many reasons so please don't offer feedback that I should tell him to move out).

It's not that I can't be self-supporting. What I can't do is "cut my losses" like people say and move on. I can't let go of that future
I imagine what we could have together even though if it's anything like the past and present I'll probably die from the stress.

So not only do I have a hard time letting go of the future but it's also some stupid imagined future.

I'd hoped we could have a separation where we just spend a whole lot less time together but still stay under one roof and as one family. He says he doesn't want to keep turning in circles and it's better just to move on and move forward.

I don't want to turn in circles either so what's holding me back?

[ForeverDad]

What I can't do is "cut my losses" like people say and move on. I can't let go of that future
I imagine what we could have together even though if it's anything like the past and present I'll probably die from the stress.

So not only do I have a hard time letting go of the future but it's also some stupid imagined future.

I don't want to turn in circles either so what's holding me back?

Since you're here, I presume he's got BPD traits?  Well, one of those traits is a black or white perspective.  Separation would be in a gray area he can't perceive, not quite married and not quite divorced either.

However, you - like so many of us - didn't want to 'give up'.  You know the story, "Maybe the next recycle will finally work... ."  Hope rests virtually eternal with us.  Even if it now is only the wisps of dashed hopes and dreams.

Have you read about the 5 steps of grieving a relationship loss?  We have a thread here on the boards describing that.  The last step is Acceptance.  You need to accept that it is Over.  (It takes two to make a marriage a success, but only one to end it.)

Fine, you don't have to burn your bridges behind you, we don't want you to overreact that way anyway, but you do need to Accept the Reality.

While your head can accept that, it may take a while for your heart and sense of self to come to grips with that.  That's just fine, you don't want to jump into a rebound relationship before you're ready.  So... .give yourself time.  Concentrate on yourself and your children, in time the new normal will feel... .normal.

[Mutt]

Hi Dedicated Mom, 



I agree with Foreverdad, maybe you're hoping that this time things will change. If he is BPD there will be emotional immaturity, from the sounds of it he does sound emotionally immature, he won't self reflect if he's blaming others. Again, with acceptance in mind, if you choose to move forward with him you may very well accept that he is who he is, he's emotionally arrested at the young age of a child.

[takingandsending]

Hi Dedicated Mom.

I can only echo what Mutt and ForeverDad stated. I discovered that the grief I was feeling after ending a 17 year marriage with BPDw was not the loss of what I had; it was letting go of the hopes and beliefs of what I thought it was supposed to/could be. In the end, what kept me in 17+ years of verbal abuse, blame  and nearly complete absence of validation and empathy in my marriage was the dream of what could be.

It is painful and really hard to let go of that dream. When we have children and time behind us, we have invested heavily in that dream. But the reality becomes even more difficult and painful to ignore or deny. It's not that the dream is "some stupid imagined future"; it's just acceptance that it isn't likely to ever happen when your spouse is sick and taking no steps to get better. I lived every day in a terribly one sided, highly demanding relationship and received nothing but blame, shame, guilt and anger for my willingness to do so. I moved out two weeks ago, and already I feel happier, stronger and more fully present for my sons when they are with me. In a bit of irony, my wife went on a year long quest of asking herself the question, "What would someone who loves themselves do?" every day for every question or conflict or uncertainty that arose and listening to/following the very first thing that came to mind. She didn't really do it at all times, but that was the general idea. She told me that I should get with the program and experience the amazing results of this incredibly simple and new approach to life. When I asked myself that question, the first answer that came to my mind was to leave. It took me 2.5 years for my mind to catch up to what my heart knew and had known for some time.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself right now. The loss that you are feeling isn't trivial - it is the loss of what your highest hopes were. Totally understandable and human hopes, too. We all have them.