Candolim
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: March 24, 2017, 03:50:15 PM » |
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This is the first time I have written any of this down so if it is disjointed and confusing it's because in two years I have been through so much turmoil I forget how a normal day or a normal way of telling things goes. Two years ago I met my partner and we had a typically intense full on beginning with him moving into my place after two weeks of relationship. I live in his country, we are of different ages, religion, culture, but we got on, more than just got on, he seemed the ideal living partner. He had immediately offloaded on our first date that he had suffered terrible physical and emotional abuse for all his childhood from his father but failed to tell me that his grandparents and mother colluded and did not protect him from the abuse to keep their social standing in their community. He was not in contact with the family having run away from them several months previously.Some weeks into the relationship he stopped going to work and being moody and irritable in the mornings- then in our first argument he started packing his bags and started shouting he would kill me if I stopped him going... .I was shocked and upset about this sweet charming person had become so threatening and intimidating.
The beginning of the good days and very bad days- we were together at home a lot and as we live in a tourist resort it was like a permanent holiday on the good days. But he increasingly became moody unpredictably and lashed out verbally with vicious statements and name calling that started to undermine my confidence and trust. Small insignificant mistakes would be blown up out of proportion, I would be reprimanded for saying the wrong thing infront of people, for looking at him wrongly, for almost anything that he called irritating. He talked of his amazing ex and their amazing sex life and how he would always love his mother more than any other woman in his life. I kept trying though... I really thought that with time things would change and he would get to see how important I was, but for the first time in my life I lost all confidence sexually too. The bad days would start when he woke up- I knew from the way his eyes looked and his face would become mask-like that I was on for a bad time. He started developing new tactics such as the silent treatment which could go on for days where he would lie on the sofa on Facebook and refuse to acknowledge my presence. Sometimes if I ignored this, or sometimes if he provoked me enough into an argument he would become intimidating and threatening , refusing to let me sleep or eventually physically assaulting me by dragging me by my hair, holding me down- as I write this I am ashamed that he is still in my life.
He can pick an argument out of the air. I have tried all the strategies suggested on this site and in my reading but he seems to be one step ahead.
We have had a lovely two weeks yet yesterday I noticed those sharp retorts and criticisms starting up again and today was a nightmare. He is totally enmeshed with his mother who calls at least twice a day and there are long conversations s where she offloads all her problems on him and when he comes off the phone I know it will be a very bad day.
I have tried being highly empathic, non judgemental , listen for hours to his stories about his past and present difficulties, cry with him . All that happens is he is furious a few days later for letting me in to his world and seeing his vulnerability and there is another bad day.
He has taken large sums of money from me in investments in business that he then gives up when he has to commit to them. He lives off my money but condemns me for having more than him or overspending.
He never goes out with me now but will punish me for going out, even to the shops with sulks .
I do not walk on egg shells. I walk in a minefield .
Today was a nightmare day- another sofa day as he had fallen out with his mother and she hadn't spoken to him for two days... even if I was prepared for the fall out, the extent of torment he can put me through, following me from room to room, refusing to let me stand up or sit down, carrying on a monologue of abusive
virtiolic statements about my age, my religion , anything he can think of which he know will make me feel bad, it always shocks and traumatises me that someone who says he loves me several hours before seems to be trying to destroy the core of my being.
On rereading this it sounds all so dramatic but that is how it really is- I haven't told my friends the whole story. When I go back to my country, and he stays home, he will usually create a situation, a drama, and I have to hide this from my family and friends but they see the stress .
I read the characteristics of BPD and he has all of them . Entwined amongst all them however is this normal person, the one I love still, the one who smiles at me and calls me darling . On the good days.
My problem now is that another day of my life has been taken with this awful feeling inside- I become preoccupied with his words, my stomach is in knots, I feel paralysed and can't get on with any element of normal life. He says he wants me to feel as bad as he does. I do not have BPD I am sure of that. I was insecure when I met him. Now I am worried that I am letting myself be so damaged.
I know that I should feel compassion for him and be validating but when I am treated with such lack of empathy and as something lesser than anyone else in his life , how can I change or do anything that can improve this?
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