Feeling Hopeless is Anyone Out There

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,  I have been married to my new husband for 2 and a half years.  Since the day his ex wife (a diagnosed BPD with sociopathy) knew about me she has made it her existence to make our lives hell.  His children only lived with us for the first few months because she turned them into her spies and child protective services and the police were called frequently.  For awhile after they went to live with my husbands parents on his time things seem to calm down for us.  She started up again horribly this August and we decide to move out of state 1000 miles away to get some distance from her.   Not only has she called the police on us 16 time in the past two years but we have received 12 court motions regarding the children as well.  Everything has been unfounded!  She is using these systems to cause us stress and harrass us.  I unfortunately have horrible anxiety-I am no longer able to work my career as a pharmacist, have had to get on panic attack meds and antidepressants, and have lot 50 lbs since we began our marriage.  We are trying to fight back in the court system right now with a motion that she is filing frivilous motions in order to harrass us but I don't have a lot of hope that they will help us. 
I would love to connect with someone on here that has gone through legal attacks like us.  I feel like we are all alone and helpless in this situation.  Why is it that she can continue filing all of this crap on us when the real problem here is her?  I have researched to see if I could file emotional distress on her and it looks like it is impossible to prove!  Our justice system is so corrupt-again I have very little faith in it.  I am religious and am trying so hard to turn this all over to God but with all the anxiety it is so difficult.  It's like my mind never shuts off.  Again if I could connect with someone just to let us know we aren't the only ones being harrassed with the legal system it would help strengthen me.

[jenbren2006]

Hello,  I have been married to my new husband for 2 and a half years.  Since the day his ex wife (a diagnosed BPD with sociopathy) knew about me she has made it her existence to make our lives hell.  His children only lived with us for the first few months because she turned them into her spies and child protective services and the police were called frequently.  For awhile after they went to live with my husbands parents on his time things seem to calm down for us.  She started up again horribly this August and we decide to move out of state 1000 miles away to get some distance from her.   Not only has she called the police on us 16 time in the past two years but we have received 12 court motions regarding the children as well.  Everything has been unfounded!  She is using these systems to cause us stress and harrass us.  I unfortunately have horrible anxiety-I am no longer able to work my career as a pharmacist, have had to get on panic attack meds and antidepressants, and have lot 50 lbs since we began our marriage.  We are trying to fight back in the court system right now with a motion that she is filing frivilous motions in order to harrass us but I don't have a lot of hope that they will help us. 
I would love to connect with someone on here that has gone through legal attacks like us.  I feel like we are all alone and helpless in this situation.  Why is it that she can continue filing all of this crap on us when the real problem here is her?  I have researched to see if I could file emotional distress on her and it looks like it is impossible to prove!  Our justice system is so corrupt-again I have very little faith in it.  I am religious and am trying so hard to turn this all over to God but with all the anxiety it is so difficult.  It's like my mind never shuts off.  Again if I could connect with someone just to let us know we aren't the only ones being harrassed with the legal system it would help strengthen me.

[thefarside]

I am so sorry for all the stresses you are going through -- it sounds so challenging.  It makes perfect sense why you would be having so much anxiety and panic attacks.

I have personally not gone through what you are referring to, but I have more than one family member who has.  I will see if I can get one to join here and help out.  One was married to a low functioning/visible BPD, the other to a sociopath.  The sociopath is ALWAYS filing frivolous things in court, making false accusations, calling his ex's places of work and lying to get her fired, and on and on.  I don't know how she has survived, but she has!

I too am religious and have struggled with the idea of being Christlike as I go through difficult processes.  I remind myself that what is most important is my own behavior moment to moment, not the other person's. 

DBT is fantastic for anxiety/panic attacks -- perhaps you can find someone in your area who knows DBT and can teach you?  There are often groups in most areas to go through all the parts of dialectical behavior therapy.  Best of luck.

[ForeverDad]

I don't think I had it that bad but I did have it bad.  The only thing I can say is that as each allegation was determined to be unsubstantiated, her credibility weakened.  (I recall that when I was seeking full custody my Ex testified that she interfered with my properly identified Winter Break 6 day vacation because she wanted Kwanzaa.  She'd never observed it before but she became less credible when in court she described Kwanzaa as a Jewish holiday.  Probably that was one of the times the magistrate rested his head on his arms.  Strangely, of all the testimony and issues, that was the one incident the magistrate noted as being "not credible".  And yes, I eventually got full custody.  (Didn't stop the entitlement or conflict but it was a step forward.)

If only you can get the court to order that her allegations be reviewed first.  That's called GateKeeping, LivednLearned got that order.  Her exH was a lawyer and having to direct his claims to a single judge seemed to help.  But then again her NPD ExH wasn't your husband's Ex.

Having 50/50 time, as wonderful as that is, can be hard.  Is there any way he can get majority something?  Where do they attend school, in her area or his?

[livednlearned]

Hi jenbren2006,

This is taking a big toll on you  Others here have been through the same thing and it can create full-blown PTSD symptoms.

Do you have a counselor to talk to? I don't know how anyone gets through this kind of thing without a good therapist and mindfulness. I ended up taking a mindfulness-based stress reduction class and it was the best thing I have ever done to mitigate the chronic stress. Is that something you might be willing to do for yourself?

Like FD mentioned, my ex filed multiple frivolous motions and whatnots, which some intimate partner violence experts refer to as legal abuse.

Are the kids living with her full time now? Or are the false allegations based on other things unrelated to child custody?

Are you representing yourself?

Do you have the same judge each time you appear in court?

LnL

[david]

Talk to an attorney and see if you can charge her civilly for causing the stress you have. You can ask for money to pay for meds, therapist etc from her since she is the cause. Perhaps other consequences could be ordered too. Not sure if this is a good path but it may help to minimize/ adjust ex wife's behavior. I found that when I made strong boundaries things eventually got better. My ex would ramp things up for a week or two and as long as I showed no reaction she stopped. Eventually the extinction bursts got shorter and less.

[ForeverDad]

Now that the holidays are over, a huge trigger for many pwBPD, is it any less bad?

Is there any way to get the repeated but unsubstantiated allegations handled in court so that her complaints at least start out as "less credible" by default?

For example, if someone calls 911 repeatedly that a house here or there is on fire, eventually the caller will get consequences.  Sadly, these types of allegations often don't get limits enforced since the welfare of minors is involved.  (LnL did somehow manage to get her court to set up a gatekeeping order where all petitions and motions, perhaps allegations too, had to first be approved by a judge before they could move forward.)  However, many CPS agencies will see a pattern and recognize that the endless allegations are "less credible".  What they or courts do with that (hopefully) reduced credibility is unknown until some time passes.

[jenbren2006]

Update on our latest court battle.  My husband switched jobs in October.  We had to go on Cobra and paid $2300 for insurance for our family and his kids.  He has proof of receipt that he provided this insurance coverage for his children.  His ex decides to petition the court to say that he never provided insurance-he even sent her a receipt.  The state of Colorado has set up a meeting on February 6th saying that he needs to be there.  There will decide if it goes to trial!  He petitioned to appear by phone since we live in Washington state and it was denied!  Insanely upset right now at the Colorado judicial system!  First he shows proof of receipt that he paid insurance and they are still empowering her by having this thing on February 6th then he tries to appear by phone and they deny him. 
In December we filed claims of harrassment on his ex-wife because in the last two years there have been 12 motions against us and 16 calls to the police-everything has been unfounded.  We have still heard nothing of our motion against her.  I have little hope that anything will be done.  I am in therapy and am relying on faith to learn how to live this way and survive this.

[ForeverDad]

Does he have a lawyer for this?  It may be that they want someone there at court.  I wonder whether he can counterfile for his expenses  (travel costs, lawyer costs).  I don't know if that has to be done before a case is heard or afterward, probably before.  But that's a legal aspect and we're just peer support.  The point of mentioning this is that generally courts won't really ponder costs at first.  After a few times, maybe.

Courts generally don't like to ding one parent to the other's advantage.  One way to sidestep that reluctance is to ask that any awards or reimbursements granted be placed in the children's education accounts or something similar.  That way (1) he doesn't gain, the children do, and (2) when she feels the financial impact she may think twice the next time she wants to stir the pot.

[jenbren2006]

He has an attorney he just asked for advice not one really representing him.  We were told by an attorney that this judge favors those without an attorney.  If an attorney is on the case she is alot tougher on that person.  So we have one in the background to ask advice.  His "meeting" is next Monday so I don't know if there is time to ask for reimbursed travel costs from his ex if proven unfounded.  But I will have my husband ask our "secret" attorney if this would be possible at this time.  Thanks for the advice!  Jennifer

[ForeverDad]

And if the judge says No, then he can politely inquire, "What about next time?  If you haven't noticed from our history, there will be a next time.  I wish someone had an answer for how to avoid court and still be a father."

[jenbren2006]

I really like that suggestion as well.  I appreciate your comments. 

[jenbren2006]

My husband had an "advisary" hearing today on his contempt charge for insurance.  the judge ordered mediation which his ex told him to make all this go away all you have to do is give me the children and more child support.  He of course will not give her full custody due to her mental issues.   So he will now have to fly down and waste more money for a potential hearing on this issue in March.  Because mediation will be pointless based on what she wants (which isn't even the issue of this mediation).  He has shown receipts of proof that he has provided health insurance for his children during the times that she is saying he has not.  The court is enabling her to abuse him with their system. 
He asked the judge if she could reimburse him for travel expenses if this were unfounded and he said no!  Again there is a reason why we feel so hopeless... .this is our justice system and they just allow her to continue to abuse him... .Colorado sucks!

[livednlearned]

It's hard to convey how emotionally draining it is when you're involved in the hell of frivolous claims in family law court.

Good for your H that he is not caving. If he did, she would only be emboldened to do more because she found the boundary and sees how far she has to push to get what she wants.

It's remarkable that the judge prefers people to represent themselves. I've heard that can also be the case in California with people who go pro se. Our cases are so complex, I don't know how representing ourselves can possibly make things better

[ForeverDad]

I agree, if Ex claims the kids weren't covered and H has receipts saying he did, what is mediation for?  Let the documents speak for themselves.  I bet that by the time it gets to a court hearing she will make additional claims that haven't been made (yet).  Distractions so the court will be inclined to keep the case open.  He will need to remind the court to stick to the single current complaint.

Maybe he will need a single sheet of paper with him, to read aloud at the right time.  ":)ear Judge, I predict that though my Ex made one complaint, she will not really want to resolve the case, she is likely to bring up innumerable side issues.  Please keep the case on track and focused on the matter at hand.  Please, how can nuisance litigation such as this be addressed more effectively going forward and let me get on with my parenting and my life?"  Legally he may have to have another paper for her if he wants to have that 'note' presented as evidence.

[jenbren2006]

My husband had his trial today for the insurance contempt charge.  His ex actually put in a dismissal for it a week ago, however, it was not in enough time so it went ahead as planned.  The judge brought up the dismissal and ask her if she wanted to dismiss it and she said "no"!  So then he asked for evidence from her proving that my husband did not provide health insurance for his children this past october and november.  She said she didn't have any!  My husband of course had all the receipts and proof that he did provide health insurance for those months.  I can't believe that this was allowed to happen.  My husband had to fly over 1000 miles because of this and miss time off of work!  He provided all the proof pretrial and the court system in Colorado allowed this to go to trial.  Why do they do this-this is as much a waste of time on their time as well as my husbands.  So now the next trial (there is always one waiting in the wings) is in August over custody since we have moved out of state.  This will not satisfy her so we will wait for the next contempt charge or motion to be filed and come in.  The courts will not stop her.  We put in a motion that she is harrassing us via the court and police system back in December.  It is now March and nothing has been ruled on. Even if they would just make her pay his travel expenses.  She is broke so this would make it stop we believe.  But they refuse to do anything but allow her to use the court system as a playground!  Colorado judicial system deserves to burn in hell!

[david]

Not sure if this would work but could you file in civil court for reimbursement of the time and money you lost. OJ got off on the crime but was taken to civil court where they said he owed money to the family. I would think a lawyer would be needed but you might be able to make her pay money for frivolous lawsuits and then you could deduct it from child support. That would stop her. It might be the way the "game" is played in Colorado.

[jenbren2006]

My husband has actually drained his retirement account in preparation for us needing an attorney to work with.  We are at the point where we feel like one is absolutely needed.  I will tell my husband to ask his attorney if we could do that and file civily for reimbursement costs.  I agree that if they would put that on her it would all stop-it's really that simple but they refuse to act! 
Right after the trial this morning.  His ex wife texted him and told him that she is going to appeal this judge's decision and that he better make plans to fly all the way to Denver again.  Again this is after she had no evidence against him at all and that is why the judge ruled in his favor.  What kind of person thinks this way.  It is black and white that she is harrassing us.  There is no gray area.  We talked to our attorney since our motion from December (regarding her using the legal and police system to harrass us) still sits and is not getting any response from the judge.  Our attorney said that we should try to escalate it and file for a trial hearing about this issue.  I believe this is how we are going to proceed.  I am hoping that that motion doesn't sit for a year as well.  In Colorado only contempt and parenting time modification motions need to be signed off on in a certain time frame-everything else is when the judge gets to it!  I am from North Dakota and we now live in Washington.  I have been told that if we were in one of these states with their court systems Jared would already have full custody of his children.  Once again Colorado is pathetic!  I am so glad we moved out of that hell hole!

[david]

Make sure you save all the text messages and emails. Exposing the truth is something BPD's usually have difficulty with. My ex was good on the stand in the beginning. I sat there and figured I was in the right and my attorney would take care of it. It took me three years to realize I needed a good attorney and found one. I also needed to take a more assertive approach.
We were in court and my ex told an outright lie on the stand. I had no proof. I took a blank piece of paper and handed it to my attorney. My ex was looking at me at the time. She was on the stand and was looking for cues I believe. Once she saw me hand a piece of paper to my attorney she changed her story to the truth. That was one of those moments when I realized she knew the difference between right and wrong and was only acting out to hurt/spite me.

[jenbren2006]

Luckily my husband's wife is an idiot and does horrible on the stand.  She actually told the judge today that myself and my husband are accusing her of using the court as her playground!  Why would you ever tell a new judge that.  She's begging to have boundaries and rules placed on her by the judge and the courts but they never do anything.  They just let her get away with it and that's why it has been so frustrating.  Going on 3 years now and she's still able to file motions on frivilous charges.  Honestly most get dismissed but when process servers show up at your door step multiple times a year it is a big disruption of quality of life and very stressful.  We are good honest, church going, hard working people.  She has no job, is on medicaid and abuses the system horribly to her advantage. 
Good job on playing that game with your ex.  It's sad that you have to play games but the kind of people we are dealing with are not normal healthy individuals.  They are incredibly sick people who desperately need help.  Ours is diagnosed BPD with sociopath, however, believes she is cured since divorcing my husband 3 years ago- because of course he was the complete and total cause of her illness.  As you know it is never their fault-EVER!