Loving a person with BPD

[lovingabpd]

Hi Everyone. This is my first ever attempt to express what I discovered just 8 months ago. That my wife has been suffering with BPD.  I thought that posting my letter to the people that Welcomed me to the website was a great place to start. I'm scared of the uncertainty the future holds for me, but I'm educating myself and implementing the tips/technics/strategies on how to interact effectively with my loved one.


Hi,


      Thank you for writing back to me and getting me to write back. After years of wondering why there was so much anger and hostility from my wife I began my search online for answers. About 8 months ago I read about Borderline Personality Disorder, and what really caught my attention about this particular disorder was the, "it's not me, it's you".
      I found it extremely difficult to believe that it was never her but always me. I'm far from perfect and I made a lot more mistakes in the beginning of our relationship. Eventually I adapted by saying less, and doing less of the things I wanted to do, and expressing less by way of disagreement or criticism. She still found fault with EVERYTHING I did to the point I knew I was being manipulated.
      Websites like this one taught me new ways to interact with my wife and how to handle different situations. However, there are times this takes a toll on me. Her insults and accusations pierce any defense that I've learned (its not her saying that, it's her condition) This is all further complicated by the fact that: she has a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I see the neglect that goes on a daily basis. I met her at the age of 7 and I see when her daughter needs attention from her mother she pushes her away or is very short with her. I have reason to believe that she is also suffering from a type of Personality disorder. Her daughter doesn't get along with me, which hurts me because I'm great with kids. Then theirs our 2 year old son. I do everything for him. Feed, bathe, play, change, and put to sleep. My wife is great with him, when she isn't overwhelm, but she easily push all the responsibilities on to me or neglects to do them.
         I fear for his well being. I feel I might have condemned him to never having a mother that can be there for him emotionally and any other aspect. I worry that in spite of my efforts to love him and give him everything he needs in ALL aspects that he might have inherited this disorder and he will never know how to feel certain things and that he might have a life with mental anguish!
           I look forward to posting my challenges here. I already sought the help of therapist and begin work with him this Tuesday. I have to TRY. I don't want to leave my wife and lose my son because this world doesn't really know about abused men. I document everything now, but I can't do this alone anymore. Thank you.

Sincerely,
lovingaBPD

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi lovingaBPD,



I'm really glad you posted and decided to share your struggles with this community. As you can see if you've clicked around the site, you are not alone. Members here understand what you are going through, and the tools and resources here will help your relationship.

I fully understand your concern for both your children. It certainly makes sense to do your utmost to improve the family dynamics. The effort involved in that does take a toll.

What do you do for self-care, lovingaBPD? Do you have supportive family and friends whom you can lean on when things get intense?

I look forward to posting my challenges here. I already sought the help of therapist and begin work with him this Tuesday. I have to TRY. I don't want to leave my wife and lose my son because this world doesn't really know about abused men. I document everything now, but I can't do this alone anymore. Thank you.

You've come to the right place to achieve these goals. We'll walk with you through this.  

Does your wife get physically violent as well?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Michael43]

      I found it extremely difficult to believe that it was never her but always me. I'm far from perfect and I made a lot more mistakes in the beginning of our relationship. Eventually I adapted by saying less, and doing less of the things I wanted to do, and expressing less by way of disagreement or criticism. She still found fault with EVERYTHING I did to the point I knew I was being manipulated.
   

I can empathize with what you have expressed here.  I have learned that I must stand up for myself and be assertive.  If I try and play the "nice guy" card and avoid disagreement or criticism, I still get painted black in the long run or it blows up in my face later.  I have learned that it's better to call out my wife's behavior right away.  Especially since my wife and I have a child, if my wife's BPD behavior is not appropriate it needs to be addressed immediately.  Make sure to practice good self care and have time for your self & do not become isolated.

[johndude49]

I am also loving a person with BPD (I think I am supposed to call her a uBPDw--undiagnosed BPD wife) and have been doing so for all 26 years we have been married.  It has been very difficult.  I wish I could say that everything is going to be hunky dory if you apply everything that this website says.  I think this website is great and it has greatly helped me understand what is going on and what I need to do about it.

All I am saying is that there will be peaks and valleys (that are very low) in this process but if you want to keep the relationship, then what they say here is what you have to do.  We have raised 4 kids together and they are all adults now.  Clearly they have had to put up with a lot and they still struggle in their adult lives with some of the baggage of growing up in our home but they as far as kids go they are actually really great people now and I'm amazed that that happened when I feared they would be damaged for life and not be able to cope with life but through lots of prayer and counsel they are holding up okay.

Anyways, I guess I just want to say that there is hope and there are lots of others out there going through the same thing. Many have chosen to divorce but you don't have to if you feel it is best to keep the relationship.  This is especially a hard decision if you have small kids at home. 

Also, I hope you find a good connection on these boards and posts.  They are doing the best they can but I find them very awkward and I post stuff and people have written back but then can't find where our discussion went or where the people went I was writing so I'm reaching out to you because I read your post and can sympathize with your situation.  I hope this website is helpful for you.