BPD vs Asperger's?

[JaxWest]

I know there are some common characteristics between BPD and Asperger’s, so I am struggling to determine if my case may be more Asperger’s or BPD (Quiet Borderline). This person did not rage, but I feel like I was constantly pulled in, then pushed away. Either way, it still hurts and I honestly feel taken advantage of. There are some commonalities for both. Anybody else notice some traits that fit more of the Asperger’s scale? The oddities directed were always toward me; never anybody else.

In short, here is my version if it helps…

I start hanging out with this female (that works on another part of campus) that seems to be giving me signs. A group of us go out to dinner, she stays behind to ask me for a ride and is extremely nervous and blushing. Her friends start approaching me a lot more and ask about me. One friend even gives me a heads up that this female takes a long time to get comfortable around people. She finds out I go to trivia nights, she starts going. I have a party, she is the last to leave (and is cuddled in my blanket) about a foot away from me on my couch. She asks my coworker about my dating life.
So, I ask her out and she gives me a weird no response that she is in the middle of getting back together with an ex. Naturally, I am a little confused, but whatever. I am mature. I can be friends. I told her no problem and I still enjoy the group activities we have been doing.

The stuff that happens after makes no sense. Three days later, I see her at trivia. She is all in my personal space…all in my personal space. Seems to want my attention and ignores her friend that is there. Her friend actually even seems to pull away to give us time to talk. A week after I asked her out, she texts my friend that she asked about my dating life and wants to know about watching the game. She knows I hang out with him a lot and if he was in town, I would have been with him. She is not friends with this person and barely knows him.

A couple of weeks later, it came up that I was having dinner with my coworkers to celebrate my birthday. So, she invites herself to this, even though she doesn’t really even know these coworkers. My coworkers were naturally uncomfortable and wondering why she is there.

We start watching games in groups (that I started). I invite her to come and bring others…Each time. She never does bring anybody though and it is becoming apparently that it did not work with the ex or it was a lie. We start hanging out quite a bit…. And she starts acting strange. She starts mimicking me. I say I like something, she all of a sudden does too. I have an opinion, she does too. I start talking about looking for a job and she wants input into my decision. One time I had even posted something about planning a trip to Iceland. The next time I see her, she has travel directions to get there, but does so in a very very creepy way. I asked her how she knew so much about travel information, she stumbled and said she was thinking about a trip there…Yeah, right… So, I have picked up that she watches what I put on there and keeps tabs on me. She is very preoccupied with what my opinions are on things and needs to know this information and suddenly her opinions change to mine.

Over the course of this time, I see this girl get really comfortable and start eating my food off of my plate (without me offering), grabbing gum out of my hand. She bumps into my coworkers and wants to have a girls day with them, which makes them uncomfortable and they decline.

Yet, I see her in public and she avoids me. She wants to keep me away from her coworkers. She never invites them to these things and never brings any of her friends. So, it keeps setting up this situation where she is alone with me. It basically feels like she wants access to my friends, but wants to hide her friends.

As I said, I am fine being friends, but she is treating me oddly. She does things that make it seem like she is being possessive to me, which is enough for my coworkers to think we are dating. I mean, the one time I was with a coworker and she came in about 20 minutes after we had gotten there. She stopped by for a little bit, started eating my basket of fries, then left. I'm not talking one or two, or even a few fries. I mean that we basically just split an order. Usually, when that happens it is because those people are either dating or really good friends. I have to create the group events. She never does, but also never brings her friends.

I am getting uncomfortable now, because here is this girl that I asked out and said no that is no eating my food, mimicking, paying extra attention to what I am doing, trying to hang out with my friends and keeping me away from her friends.

The last time I hang out with her, we are alone again. She gets EXTREMELY nervous when one of her coworkers happens to be at the same restaurant. So much that she forgets her coworker’s fiance’s name.

I try to talk to her about this and her behavior, but she shuts me down and makes it seem like I am crazy. But, no friend has ever treated me like this. Any female friend I have had tends to want to play match maker or tease me about a female, not act possessive. I tell her it feels like a one sided friendship. She wants access to everything of mine, but not the other way around. When she is around my coworker, my name comes up. One time I had to go to the parking lot a few blocks away. She freaked out when it was taking longer than she expected. My coworker said she was over the top nervous about me. I live in a very safe area, so there is no need for concern.

So, we stop talking and I stop inviting her to things for a few weeks. Out of nowhere, I get a “work” email from her. This is odd because she never emails me about work and because she is the liaison for a different part of campus and should not be reaching out to me. So, it feels like an excuse. Then, she text me about my trip that I am taking to NYC. Two days later, she restricts me on facebook so I can’t see her stuff, but she can see mine. I am naturally confused, because she is the one that reached out to me and I literally said nothing that could be taken offensive in response to those messages

[bunny4523]

Jax,

I read your post and I'm just having trouble understanding why you are so focused on her objective.  Is she still someone you want to date or do you want to get rid of her?  Or are you just curious about personality disorders? 

If you want to date her, I would say she does not seem to understand boundaries.  She is "acting" like a girlfriend or a close friend and you barely know her.  Whether she is playing "hard to get" or disordered,  I would hope it isn't something your interested in getting tangled up with.

If you want to put space between the two of you, start talking about someone you are dating or interested in dating.  You take control of the situation and put her in friend zone, set boundaries you are comfortable with.  If she doesn't respect them then voice yourself and tell her, "it makes me uncomfortable when you... ."

Hope that helps,
Brenda 

[JaxWest]

I am just curious. No longer interested. I was, and feel like i kept getting led on. I dated a BPd before and i notice some similarities. I work on campus with her, so just worried about her mission,  since she just appears at how many social outings I have that make no sense. I am just baffled with it. Everybody is confused that have been around her... .Concerned if she malicious or just odd, because indications are that I am being stalked as well. Somehow she knows things that I have not told her... .a lot of things... .

[bunny4523]

Jax,

Gotcha so it would help to know the disorder to safely put distance between you.  Makes sense.  Hope you get some feedback to help you with that.

Bunny

[JaxWest]

Yeah, I just have some concerns based on the experience with the ex BPD. That did not end well... .at all. After things ended, she was around all of the time and there were false accusations thrown out at me. I started getting random suspicious phone calls late at night, so I had to collect phone records. I would go out with coworkers and she would start calling them to interupt, so I had to save receipts.

Now I have this 2nd female that is all of a sudden around my friends and coworkers and knows suspiciously direct information about me.

[Sunfl0wer]

I hear what you are saying.  This could be obsessiveness of BPD or you may be the object of "special interest" for someone with ASD or something else completely different.

Imo, it really doesn't matter how you label the underlying possible disorder.  The behvaiors and knowlege of you in itself, without a diagnosis, IMO, is quite concerning and highly inappropriate.

You can set a clear loud boundary and find out.  If you state clearly to this person your discomfort, call them out on it and they feel shameful, embarassed, oblivious and literally not grasping the issue, likely ASD at play.  If they deny, hide, pretend and explain away obvious stuff, minimizing tactics , maybe BPD or something else.  Obviously there is no way for me to really tell, however, irrespective of the cause of the behavior, it IS inappropriate and I would see it as a threat and figure out a way to distance myself from this person loud and clear.  Even persons with ASD or not with BPD can be a serious threat and stalk.

[Skip]

I get why you are curious - she is an enigma to you.

When we encounter high conflict or destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

    immaturity,
    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),
    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),
    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),
    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),
    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),
    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or
    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

How often is "any combination of the above?"   In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD,

    74% had another personalty disorder,
    75% also had a mood disorder, and
    74% also had an anxiety disorder.

*Laboratory of Epidemiology and Biometry, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD

I think the important point is that her behavior is very different than someone who loves and cares for you. Putting all the details and mixed signals aside - she (1) made it clear she didn't want a significant romantic relationship with you, and (2) she doesn't want to be seen with you by some friends and co-workers (because there is someone else).

So what is it?

Most likely she likes that you adore her and the attention and so she hangs with you when she is not involved with the person she is most interested in. It's possible you are not the only "#2".

Is this mental illness, immaturity, or casual dating - its not clear. What is clear is that this is just spending time with someone... .

You don't like how she treats you. You think you would be happier being more important in her life. You get some signals that she might like that. That's what you hold on to. Most likely she is sending those signals to keep you interested.

This is human nature. It's not great, but we have a lot of "almost" relationships in life.

[JaxWest]

I hear what you are saying.  This could be obsessiveness of BPD or you may be the object of "special interest" for someone with ASD or something else completely different.

Imo, it really doesn't matter how you label the underlying possible disorder.  The behvaiors and knowlege of you in itself, without a diagnosis, IMO, is quite concerning and highly inappropriate.

You can set a clear loud boundary and find out.  If you state clearly to this person your discomfort, call them out on it and they feel shameful, embarassed, oblivious and literally not grasping the issue, likely ASD at play.  If they deny, hide, pretend and explain away obvious stuff, minimizing tactics , maybe BPD or something else.  Obviously there is no way for me to really tell, however, irrespective of the cause of the behavior, it IS inappropriate and I would see it as a threat and figure out a way to distance myself from this person loud and clear.  Even persons with ASD or not with BPD can be a serious threat and stalk.

When I confronted her about this, she denied and explained away stuff... .She did not "remember" texting my coworker. She denied asking about my dating life/personal life, then said she didn't remember how it came up. She blamed my coworker and said he was "creepy". He would not cross any line at all. In fact, she texted him a week afterwards, so if he is creepy, why text him? My coworker was getting annoyed with her, because he is not friends with her. He did say that she started telling him about her struggles with dating and point blank asked if I date often and if I am in a good place to date because I had some personal family health issues going on at the time. He said when he sees her on campus or etc, she mentioned me "several" times. For whatever reason, my name comes up all of the time when she was around. Her coworkers kind of alluded to that right away as well. I was hanging out at trivia, when her friend decided to bring her up and share information. She said it was weird, but it takes her a really long time for her to get comfortable around people. Three of her coworkers approached me right away. I feel confident that they did that for a reason. I mean, I did not talk to them, so why are they approaching me?

It is weird for sure. I don't know how I got rejected, but then it feels like she starts to stalk me. She said she doesn't date colleagues, so maybe she was just confused. I really don't think she was dating anybody. Some of my coworkers have stated that they think she may even virginal and just has no idea what she is doing. The way it felt was that she panicked, rejected me, then tried to overdo things to get my attention. The mimicking was just very adolescent and by that time got really creepy... .really creepy.

[JaxWest]

I think the important point is that her behavior is very different than someone who loves and cares for you. Putting all the details and mixed signals aside - she (1) made it clear she didn't want a significant romantic relationship with you, and (2) she doesn't want to be seen with you by some friends and co-workers (because there is someone else).

It could be, but I don't know for sure. She is very private about that stuff, so I am not sure she didn't want her co-workers to know, because she sees them as knowing as  "teasing" her. My name comes up around her coworkers too... .for sure. A couple of my female coworkers were around the one day she acted strangely at a meeting. They said she acted sort of like a teenage girl that had a crush, but didn't want people to know. I mean the mimicking was at a level that I have never seen. Sure, people kind of exaggerate things to make themselves look like a match, but this was just at a crazy level. She literally looked up travel information to Iceland to be able to communicate with me.  That is where I am torn. As oddly and strange as she is, I don't know if she has the capabilities of being with somebody else, while she is hanging out with me and treating me like this as #2. I don't know if she is torn, because she keeps going back and forth with the same guy for the last 10 years and cannot move forward to somebody or what. I don't even know if that person is real. I have been guy #2 before (actually in my last relationship)... .Somehow this doesn't feel right with this one.

I had to confront her because I was getting uncomfortable with her. I was working on the assumption that we were friends, but then she starts acting differently. I have had female friends that I was interested in or vice versa before, but they treated me as friends. This one didn't. At times, she treated me like you would expect her to treat a boyfriend... .which was just odd. I asked her if we could just talk friend to friend. I didn't really want to be more involved in her life. I wanted to be treated as she called me. If I am a colleague, treat me as a colleague. If I am a friend, treat me as a friend. By that time, I was pretty well committed to being friends, because the weird stuff was just creeping me out. Any friend I have had reciprocates. She was just wanting to be around me and wanted find out way too much about me... .without reciprocating.

Restricting me on facebook was just out of nowhere. This was 5 weeks after we had that discussion. She emailed me about "work", so I responded. She texted me about my trip to NYC, I responded. Then, she restricts me on facebook. She reached out to me. I literally did nothing, but respond.

[jo19854]

My daughter has asperger, i am very well familiar with the way it presents itself. What you describe has in my opinion not much to do with that. I just wanted to give you a most direct answer to your question.

[JaxWest]

I have been guy #2 before (actually in my last relationship)... .

I should probably clarify that part... .I was an unknowing #2 that didn't know there was somebody else.

[JaxWest]

My daughter has asperger, i am very well familiar with the way it presents itself. What you describe has in my opinion not much to do with that. I just wanted to give you a most direct answer to your question.

Yeah, I am just confused, because there is more at play than average. I am honestly worried about this one. The blank, empty stare that she has just terrifies me. It is like the lights are on, but nobody is home. The first time I hung out with her, i rationalized things like maybe she just had a rough day. I pursued her until November, then just decided I just wanted a friendship. Then, she started acting weird again. I tried to talk to her in January, then the stuff got really weird.

The things I know for sure are that she is a liar, she oversteps her boundaries with me and, she does basically stalk me and somehow knows stuff about me that she shouldn't.

I am nervous enough to the point that I am looking at jobs, considering leaving the area.

[JaxWest]

It does concern me that she did point blank say that she suspects her coworker has borderline. I do not know how she figures that. I see nothing that she has that matches it, so I don't know if that is projection or what. She does like to tell me what people are doing right and likes to psychoanalyze people. She studied psychology, so she has a little too much confidence in explaining people, but probably helps her manipulate people too.