Roller coaster between crisis and calm

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I will try to introduce myself:
I am 65 years old and my daughter is 25. We struggled since she was about 9 years old. After years of all sort of diagnoses (bipolar, depressed, add) and a batterie of nonworking medications she was diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago. DBT therapy for a year and a half helped improve. She is in therapy and in dpt group but seems to struggle with so many issues and emotional things at the same time that she is constantly overwhelmed.
My husband, her father, died 3 years ago after a stroke 6 years ago and we live over 4000 miles apart and I am still working. Middle of the night phone calls have became less often but almost always seem to push me over the edge into a depression.
I am trying so hard not to rely on her for my emotional needs but it is hard to just absorb all the anxiety, depressed boods, anger, splitting, guilt and shame that she expresses during these conversations without becoming emotional and depressed myself. I think it is natural wanting to suggest a "fix" when your child says : if this does not get any better I do not want to live. But as you all probably know it is hard to get a word in when the rambling starts and in no time the tides turn and I have invalidated, sighed, not listened etc.
I think I understand her struggle and sympathize with it but I have my own fears that are (of course) totally invalidated: fear of dying, fear of her not being able to care for herself, fear of never having my own live as I still support her financially. Even the slightest mention of any of this puts her in a tailspin of guilt and internal judment about being a bad person, daugter and aggrevates the emotional crisis. So I hold it in, listen and try not to breathe... .(because that would - if audible - interpreted as sighing and thus an expression of frustration and impatience.
At the moment it seems that for  few days live becomes almost "normal" and I take a deep breath and then everything falls apart again: Food binges, smoking pot (which seems to help with the anxiety and brings out the more rational sides), splitting on friends and romantic partners, spending money without end followed by regret, shame and suicidal ideas - because it confirms what she believes anyways, that she is not good, smart, resilient and brave enough to make it.
Sorry for rambling - I have a million more words I could add but for now: thank you for listening.

[Margarete]

Hi, I will try to introduce myself:
I am 65 years old and my daughter is 25. We struggled since she was about 9 years old. After years of all sort of diagnoses (bipolar, depressed, add) and a batterie of nonworking medications she was diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago. DBT therapy for a year and a half helped improve. She is in therapy and in dpt group but seems to struggle with so many issues and emotional things at the same time that she is constantly overwhelmed.
My husband, her father, died 3 years ago after a stroke 6 years ago and we live over 4000 miles apart and I am still working. Middle of the night phone calls have became less often but almost always seem to push me over the edge into a depression.
I am trying so hard not to rely on her for my emotional needs but it is hard to just absorb all the anxiety, depressed boods, anger, splitting, guilt and shame that she expresses during these conversations without becoming emotional and depressed myself. I think it is natural wanting to suggest a "fix" when your child says : if this does not get any better I do not want to live. But as you all probably know it is hard to get a word in when the rambling starts and in no time the tides turn and I have invalidated, sighed, not listened etc.
I think I understand her struggle and sympathize with it but I have my own fears that are (of course) totally invalidated: fear of dying, fear of her not being able to care for herself, fear of never having my own live as I still support her financially. Even the slightest mention of any of this puts her in a tailspin of guilt and internal judment about being a bad person, daugter and aggrevates the emotional crisis. So I hold it in, listen and try not to breathe... .(because that would - if audible - interpreted as sighing and thus an expression of frustration and impatience.
At the moment it seems that for  few days live becomes almost "normal" and I take a deep breath and then everything falls apart again: Food binges, smoking pot (which seems to help with the anxiety and brings out the more rational sides), splitting on friends and romantic partners, spending money without end followed by regret, shame and suicidal ideas - because it confirms what she believes anyways, that she is not good, smart, resilient and brave enough to make it.
Sorry for rambling - I have a million more words I could add but for now: thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[7babies]

Welcome. Others with more experience here are helpful. Everyone here can relate.

[Mutt]

Hi Margarete,  



I'd like to jion 7babies and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, I can see how the constant phone calls would cause a lot of anxiety

Traits from other mental disorders are often found in BPD but BPD also has certain traits that sets it apart from other mental disorders, I'm sorry that she didn't get the help that she needed sooner. This is just a thought, but T's  usually want to treat the other disorders before they treat BPD because getting the other disorders under control can help the BPD traits, I wonder if she's been treated for anxiety and depression? Many and not all pwBPD usually have an underlying clinical depression.

I had similar thoughts, although I don't have a child. I co parent with an ex with BPD traits and I recall feeling emotionally distressed before I got here to the website, I'd like to share something with you that helps, it's actually a skill taught to pwBPD in DBT - radical acceptance. Radical acceptance has three parts, it's accepting reality for what it is, it's not going against reality and wishing for things to be differently, I know that you're not wishing for things to be differently but when we accept our pwBPD for who they are, she is who she is, it helps us heal, because there's so much anxiety and suffering when we don't accept things as they are. It doesn't mean that you can't feel the way that you do about her BPD behaviors, it's just accepting her for who she is. Why did she stop therapy?

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)