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Author Topic: I guess we're on a break?  (Read 345 times)
Rhomer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« on: March 16, 2017, 07:44:04 PM »

Hello all, been awhile since I posted.

My exdBPDgf I was with for 4 straight years left me for polyamory about 3 months ago and things have been... .interesting since. She started in a discard state but soon transitioned into painting me white and wanting me to do polyamory too. I didnt accept that.

Fast forward to about 1 month ago to where I had the most UNFORTUNATE circumstance in my life where I was passing by where I used to live with her (20 minutes from my new place, was in the area for a different reason) and saw her walking hand in hand with my polyamorous replacement. Yikes.

She found out I saw them and apologized profusely, to which I said it was okay, I was moving on. She then, to my surprise, asked if I meant it when I said a week earlier that I would potentially try again in the future with her. After a night of her texting me how confused she was and how much she missed me, I would later learn a week later during a big talk over the phone that she still had romantic feelings and asked if I was serious because shes "been thinking about it."

 I told her back then that I thought we both needed time to figure out what we wanted, that she should be wary of the fear of abandonment that is common to BPD, and that maybe in the future I would try again if she wasn't happy with polyamory. She accepted all this and promised she would only ask to try again if we were serious. We agreed to No Contact for the time being.

A few days later I had to open up contact again due to financial mailing stuff. It led to her talking to me (in part my fault) that she missed me a lot, that she was seeing another new guy (possibly the same guy but doesnt want to tell me?) where sex hurt more then ever and she felt like she couldnt say no. For context, when she first broke up with me, part of her excuse was that I didn't sexually excite her enough because I treated her too carefully. This brought how much I cared about her where others didn't "into sharp relief" as she said and was "sorry I hurt you, sorry I let you go". She misses how things used to be and wishes she never messed up something that was so important

Well, we did some more standard lovey talk but I was guessing she was still trying to rope me into polyamory. I told her I couldn't stick around wishing she wanted something she didn't, that I loved her but didn't think she would want to give up the people she is now seeing. Notably, she stopped responding that night after I told her to talk to that replacement guy she was with, and the conversation ignored that the next day.

Eventually we came back to the hard conclusion that I needed to once again retract my arm from trying to help her, but that I would maybe extend it to her in the future if she really wanted that. Neither of us wanted to be gone from each other's lives, and after both admitting that she suggested we do no contact for a couple months and "see how interactions go from there". I told her I would accept that but had no promises I would contact her back at all after 2 months, especially if I was seeing someone. After accepting that we gave eachother our like, third farewell messages with all the i love yous and if you are ever in an emergency I will still respond.

Its been 2 weeks of NC now and no word from her yet. Last time we did NC it lasted about 2 weeks until she contacted me at midnight scared she was going to hurt herself, which eventually led to all this. I guess... .Im still confused whats going on. She talks like she wishes she had never ended the relationship, yet here I was offering my hand to her and she doesn't want to take it. Yet shes "thinking about it" and doesn't want me to go away. Shes pretty knowledgeable on BPD, she knows fear of abandonment, she also keeps saying she wants to do whats best for me, even if its to never talk to me again (its equally my fault we were still in contact). Its all mixed messages. I still want to be with her, those 4 years I truly believe to this day were a wonderful relationship, but its this weird middle ground where I dont want to be stuck wishing for her to fully come back, but also not wanting to lose the opportunity to try again. Am I making the right call here?

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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2017, 09:34:19 AM »

Hi Rhomer,

I can see why this would be so hard. She has tender cycles with you and yet is committed to polyamory, which is outside your values.

I remember reading in Buddha and the Borderline (a memoir by a woman suffering from BPD) that she felt she had fragments of selves -- the identity confusion you sometimes read about with BPD. It presented in different ways for her, but it helped explain how a person with BPD might be confused about who he or she is depending on what is happening with mood instability. Most of us have a relatively stable sense of self over time, especially as adults. For people with BPD, an unstable sense of self is their norm. It seems as confusing for them as it is for us.

It probably comes down to what you feel is best for you. That can be tough to clarify when you love someone.
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Breathe.
Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2017, 09:41:59 AM »

Hi Rhomer,

I share similar feelings, I don't like being in limbo for an extended period of time, I like to have plans. I'd like to echo livednlearned and set aside your exdBPDgf's needs for a moment, what do you want?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Rhomer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2017, 11:37:54 AM »

Thanks for the responses, you guys are a wonderful community  

Excerpt
For people with BPD, an unstable sense of self is their norm. It seems as confusing for them as it is for us.

This definitely seems to be the case. We had talked about her identity problems during the relationship, she knew it was a result of BPD. Leaving college (we met there) made her feel like we were "growing in different ways", which seemed like bull to me and I don't know how she feels about that now considering recent comments from her. Ive got a nagging feeling that polyamory isnt going to work out for her considering how scared she was of me liking someone else and just general borderline traits. To be honest, it makes me feel like if I just stick around for that day she will want to be back, considering she is already "thinking about it".

Excerpt
I'd like to echo livednlearned and set aside your exdBPDgf's needs for a moment, what do you want?

Guess I really should be focusing on that instead. Its hard. Everything seems so hopeful right now (at least in comparison to before) that we will be back together, and its really something I want. What I want and what would be good for me are probably two different things. I want to know what the heck she is thinking these days, but I'm guessing she has about as much of a clue as I do. Half the time the thought of her just blatently stating or showing that she is never coming back offers some relief of at least knowing with more certainty. I'm afraid that if I never try to contact her again, I'll have those "what could have been" thoughts. I want to be there if she wants me back, I'm concerned she will think I never want to talk to her again or that the uncertainity if my availability will keep her in polyamory. But I'm also worried she will just keep me around as emotional support while continuing to be polyamorous. I know I should be focusing on myself for right now, but my anxiety and obsessive thought problems make it extremely difficult to get my mind of the topic (I am seeing a T on this for these issues along with depression).


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