Having a very tough day-need advice

[allienoah]

Hi all. I have gained so much insight and guidance from being on this that I had to reach out today. I feel so conflicted, anxious and lost. I have been posting like crazy today and feel I'm just at the end of my rope. Nothing happened. that's the thing. It is the anticipation of telling my bfwBPD that I would like to go away for 4 days with one of my dearest friends who lives out of state. I had gone away with her 8 years ago while still married to my ex (unhappily) and I had a one night stand. I regret it, it was stupid and I totally own that I behaved inappropriately. I confided that to my bf when we first got together as I trusted him with all my deepest darkest secrets. Well now, of course, he feels I should not be away with her because she stood by and watched me misbehave. She is not trustworthy. Now I am aware enough to know that it is ME he doesn't trust, he just won't say so. So-thus the stress. I am tired of turning down travel with ANYONE-my sister, daughter-because he always says HE wants to have those experiences with me. For heaven's sake we didn't talk for a week and he tortured me after I saw U2 a second time with my sister during their tour. I had gone with him earlier in the week and he felt our memory of it was SO SPECIAL that I was being disrespectful by going again. Ridiculous! I have always been the type who enjoys multiple shows. I know I am going on and on, it's just I can't seem to get off of this rollercoaster. I am now so stressed over even mentioning that I want to hang with my 24-year old daughter, as my bf feels we should always be together and I am stealing time from him for someone who doesn't like him. She sees how he dysregulates and won't tolerate him in her life. I am happy I raised a daughter with boundaries, now can I please learn to set some and stay true to them for MYSELF?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi allienoah:     

I am happy I raised a daughter with boundaries, now can I please learn to set some and stay true to them for MYSELF?  She sees how he dysregulates and won't tolerate him in her life... . .I can't seem to get off of this rollercoaster. . .

Sounds like you have insight and are aware that you lack sufficient boundaries.  You have the power to change the situation.  If your daughter won't tolerate his dysregulation, why do you?  Doesn't that tell you that you are in a unhealthy relationship?

I feel so conflicted, anxious and lost.  It is the anticipation of telling my bfwBPD that I would like to go away for 4 days with one of my dearest friends who lives out of state.

Why do you sacrifice your happiness and allow yourself to be controlled and unhappy?   It never gets better with a controlling person.  What makes you stay? 

Perhaps reading the workshops/threads below might be helpful. 

Control and Controlling Behavior, Why We Engage

The Dysfunctional Dance

Dealing With Emeshment and Codependence

[Grey Kitty]

I am happy I raised a daughter with boundaries, now can I please learn to set some and stay true to them for MYSELF?

One suggest I've got for learning to stay true to yourself and enforce some boundaries is to pick the right one to start enforcing.

My favorite starting point is "I will not stay present for verbal/emotional abuse." (Things like circular arguments, non-constructive criticism, endless accusations, yelling, name calling, etc.)

The reason I suggest starting with this one is that if you pick someplace else, like "I will go to a concert with a friend when I want to", you will run into pushback... .in the form of verbal/emotional abuse! So you might as well learn to protect yourself from that first.

The short/general answer on how you protect yourself is you remove yourself from the conflict/criticism; If you give us details of how you fall down in this, we can help you find better solutions.

[allienoah]

That is a great suggestion. I try really hard to stay true to myself. Where I fall down is where my caretaker tendencies take over-I hate conflict, don't like people mad at me, etc. I have fallen into a pattern where even if I know I am making a reasonable request, or decision, I already know he is going to start in with his usual " why aren't you making me and my feelings a priority?" stuff. Then it takes off from there about how I don't take the relationship seriously, I am allowing my kids, friends, family, to "rule the roost" and so on. Keep in mind I live alone so this is on the occasion of them coming over. By this time, he is yelling, telling me I am weak, spineless, I'm a liar, as I always say things will be different next time-then it escalates as I JADE into throwing old situations with my ex in my face. My biggest thing is learning to walk away from this and not engage. I was never good at that. And I have learned that if I just go silent and let him rant and rave, he doesn't stop. By then my self esteem is in the toilet. If I get off the phone, he calls a million times, or he sends lengthy texts that are hurtful. and if I block him he shows up at my door. He needs his pound of flesh in these situations. I really need to learn how to disengage and stick to it.

[Grey Kitty]

Here is your starting point:

... .he is going to start in with his usual " why aren't you making me and my feelings a priority?" stuff.

There ARE healthy ways for a person to bring up their feelings and their hurt. That isn't one, because it starts out with an accusation, based on an assumption (and an incorrect one I might add!) about your motivation.

Let me translate what he's saying for you into how it works and how you should think of it:

"allienoah's feelings don't matter and should be squashed and stuffed to accommodate mine, and I'm going to tell her why this is the case, and shove it down her throat."

That's being abusive right there. Time to enforce a boundary. Time to remove yourself from the conversation. Before it gets worse, 'cuz that is the only direction it will go.