Need some help how to handle this... Honest opinions plz.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Is she consistent about the pickiness... .or does the bar move?

My wife will be all over the place between perfect and nothing getting touched for a couple days... . 

I love checklists and reminders... .but for an inconsistent person a written reminder can be very invalidating.  That made my r/s worse.

If she is consistent, perhaps this is an area she can define more in written form.

FF

[formflier]

Is she consistent about the pickiness... .or does the bar move?

My wife will be all over the place between perfect and nothing getting touched for a couple days... . 

I love checklists and reminders... .but for an inconsistent person a written reminder can be very invalidating.  That made my r/s worse.

If she is consistent, perhaps this is an area she can define more in written form.

FF

[AllNightLong]

If she is dysregulating/raging/criticizing you, here are the steps I'd take to protect yourself, in order of increasing confrontation/severity:

1. You can go to the bathroom and get a ~5 minute break. (I'm assuming she won't chase you in there!) This gives you time to think, calm yourself, and plan out what else you might do.

2. Tell her "I won't be spoken to like this."  (and give her the opportunity to stop) You can use other language, but be clear that you are not making the choice to tolerate it.

3. Leave the room. (if she is staying in bed, she won't follow, at least!)

4. (If she does follow) Leave the house. [In good weather, walk around the block, or drive someplace close] I'd recommend going away for 15~20 minutes, because if she's upset it takes about that long for adrenaline to work its way out of the bloodstream.

I'm assuming that your children can be ignored/unsupervised for that length of time safely.

If she claims that her health is at risk if you leave, offer to take her to the hospital or call 911 instead, but make it clear that one of those three things is happening in the next minute.

If she holds your children or their health "hostage", that's another issue.

Also, please note--if you do leave (temporarily) and return, and find the rage/abuse/dysregulation starts right back up when you return, leave again. (After checking on the kids)

Thank you for some great advice!
I've been trying some of this, she really hates when i leave when she gets upset.
She has been kicking on the bathroom door until i open.
If i'm about to leave she usually stands in My way, i can of course move her but i dont wanna get physical since she used a lot of violence before. If she doesnt make it to step in My way she Will start destroy My things. She crashed our tv, couch table and made holes in a wall once when i told her i go for a Walk.

If i stay she wont stop raging at me so it feels like a no win situation.

And her last way to keep me there is pure violence.

But i will try next time to just leave next time and don't look back until she calmed down.

[AllNightLong]

@formflier i'm a bit short on time but Will answer everything tomorrow, it's almost 10 PM here now.

Thank you for all your support!

[formflier]

Are you in the United States?

Do you have 911?  How do you call for help if there is an issue at home?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I've been trying some of this, she really hates when i leave when she gets upset.

BINGO. She absolutely hates this. Here's how the dynamic works: She's upset. She's got feelings she cannot handle or cope with, and she's distressed. Her best coping mechanism is to take it out on you. (Now she's mad at you, instead of dealing with her own feelings, whatever they were before!)

When you take her coping mechanism away from her (remove yourself as an emotional punching bag!), she is stuck with her feelings she doesn't want ot deal with. Of course she hates it.

And leaving her to figure this out on her own is the best thing you can do for yourself, her, and your relationship. Even though she will fight tooth and nail in every way possible to stop you.

Back to more specific problem solving--I'm a pragmatist on this stuff.

She has been kicking on the bathroom door until i open.

Scratch that idea; it isn't helping.

If i'm about to leave she usually stands in My way, i can of course move her but i dont wanna get physical since she used a lot of violence before.

Plan ahead--leave earlier, and try to avoid situations where she is between you and the exit. (Note: you are at risk in a whole bunch of ways when it becomes a physical altercation. Avoid it if at all possible, by leaving first!)

If she doesnt make it to step in My way she Will start destroy My things. She crashed our tv, couch table and made holes in a wall once when i told her i go for a Walk.

Better to lose yours stuff than end up in the hospital, or in jail, charged with domestic violence.

If she is destructive enough, you can involve law enforcement. I suggest you talk to a lawyer, a local domestic violence shelter/hotline, or ask the police about it in a hypothetical way some time she isn't there and it isn't happening right now.

[AllNightLong]

Are you in the United States?

Do you have 911?  How do you call for help if there is an issue at home?

FF

I'm in a european country so we have another number.

To be 100% honest, i don't call for help. I basically let her beat me up and just keeping My hands up trying to avoid to much damage. (This is so sick Reading what i'm writing about myself)
No one what so ever have any clue about whats going on.

On this site is the first time ever i even mention this to anyone.

It feels very good to get some guidance from people that is familiar to this stuff.

It means a lot, thanks!

[formflier]

I suggest you talk to a lawyer, a local domestic violence shelter/hotline, or ask the police about it in a hypothetical way some time she isn't there and it isn't happening right now.

Please don't change anything about the way you behave around the house until you have followed GK's advice. 

This is especially a big deal for me... because I haven't a clue how things like this work in your country.  And this is not stuff to mess around with

Because... .YOU could end up with a record... .behind bars... .whatever... .because you didn't have knowledge of how the system works.

My hope is that you can first find a DV shelter... .ask them if they have helped men... .or can point you to a place that does. 

Your goal now is to get information.

Do you have the recorder app downloaded?  Do so ASAP.  Does your wife have access to your phone and email?

Ask if there is a way you can text 911 (whatever you call it) instead of calling?  Some places in the US you have to set this up ahead of time.  Much better for you to be able to text for help... .vice have her see you with the phone to your ear... talking to a dispatcher.

You need to understand if she blocks you in a room... .if that is actionable under the law of your country.  Same thing for her kicking in your door... .or attempting to.

Practically speaking... .what happens... .will she be taken away and you care for kids?

Some places in the US require you to file paperwork to ask the court to force the person to "stay away"... .perhaps there is a similar thing over there.  However, in the US... .some courts get a reputation for the way they handle these things... .the local DV shelter will let you know how this practically happens.

For instance:  Let's say you walk in with a video of your wife kicking in the door and blocking you from leaving.  She threatens all kind of stuff.  You say enough... .and ask for protection so you can live in your home without this kind of thing going on... .  A shelter should tell you how that will work there. 

You may or may not hear what you want to hear... .but you need to know.

     


Let's hope it doesn't come to this.  I believe knowledge of how things really work will embolden you to take back your life.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

To be 100% honest, i don't call for help. I basically let her beat me up and just keeping My hands up trying to avoid to much damage. (This is so sick Reading what i'm writing about myself)
No one what so ever have any clue about whats going on.

I know how you feel. I remember times when the truth was that I let myself be abused. In my case, it was mostly verbal/emotional; I was slapped but never beaten or bruised. I remember feeling very confused and ashamed. I remember the struggle to tell anyone about it.

And yes, it is a very dangerous situation for you, both physically and legally. Please read this (Much more detail in the link):

TOOLS: Domestic violence against men
One fact to be remembered is that men can be victims of DV too. It is difficult for most men to come forward because often they are met with disbelief or insults concerning their masculinity. About 38% of DV is actually males as the victims of abuse by a female.  In addition to safety planning, it is important to protect yourself against false legal domestic violence charges that can result in jail time and can be used against you in a future divorce or custody disputes. When arguments get heated, if you restrain your partner (even if she is kicking, throwing things) or if you push or hold her (even if she is blocking you from leaving the room or a the house), you are at risk of a domestic violence charges.      

[AllNightLong]

BINGO. She absolutely hates this. Here's how the dynamic works: She's upset. She's got feelings she cannot handle or cope with, and she's distressed. Her best coping mechanism is to take it out on you. (Now she's mad at you, instead of dealing with her own feelings, whatever they were before!)

When you take her coping mechanism away from her (remove yourself as an emotional punching bag!), she is stuck with her feelings she doesn't want ot deal with. Of course she hates it.

And leaving her to figure this out on her own is the best thing you can do for yourself, her, and your relationship. Even though she will fight tooth and nail in every way possible to stop you.

Back to more specific problem solving--I'm a pragmatist on this stuff.
Scratch that idea; it isn't helping.

Plan ahead--leave earlier, and try to avoid situations where she is between you and the exit. (Note: you are at risk in a whole bunch of ways when it becomes a physical altercation. Avoid it if at all possible, by leaving first!)

Better to lose yours stuff than end up in the hospital, or in jail, charged with domestic violence.

If she is destructive enough, you can involve law enforcement. I suggest you talk to a lawyer, a local domestic violence shelter/hotline, or ask the police about it in a hypothetical way some time she isn't there and it isn't happening right now.

Thank you for this post.

I know she hates this and that's whats scares me as well since i know she can't control her feeling and that's why she try to make me responsible for them and since she has been able to do that for so long i'm not sure how she will react when i take that option away.
Even since we just started to date i've always been having the feeling that it's up to me to save her and this has warn me down and made me to someone i doesn't lika at all.

I Could definetly try to leave much earlier in the arguments and try to get it to stop right there.

My experience is that when i'm trying to leave everything escalates real fast and she can't control herself and she just gets "black eyes" and nothing i say or do gets through.

But as you say, i prefer that she rage on my things rather than me even if it's quite expensive to get new things every time.

[AllNightLong]

Please don't change anything about the way you behave around the house until you have followed GK's advice. 

This is especially a big deal for me... because I haven't a clue how things like this work in your country.  And this is not stuff to mess around with

Because... .YOU could end up with a record... .behind bars... .whatever... .because you didn't have knowledge of how the system works.

My hope is that you can first find a DV shelter... .ask them if they have helped men... .or can point you to a place that does. 

Your goal now is to get information.

Do you have the recorder app downloaded?  Do so ASAP.  Does your wife have access to your phone and email?

Ask if there is a way you can text 911 (whatever you call it) instead of calling?  Some places in the US you have to set this up ahead of time.  Much better for you to be able to text for help... .vice have her see you with the phone to your ear... talking to a dispatcher.

You need to understand if she blocks you in a room... .if that is actionable under the law of your country.  Same thing for her kicking in your door... .or attempting to.

Practically speaking... .what happens... .will she be taken away and you care for kids?

Some places in the US require you to file paperwork to ask the court to force the person to "stay away"... .perhaps there is a similar thing over there.  However, in the US... .some courts get a reputation for the way they handle these things... .the local DV shelter will let you know how this practically happens.

For instance:  Let's say you walk in with a video of your wife kicking in the door and blocking you from leaving.  She threatens all kind of stuff.  You say enough... .and ask for protection so you can live in your home without this kind of thing going on... .  A shelter should tell you how that will work there. 

You may or may not hear what you want to hear... .but you need to know.

     


Let's hope it doesn't come to this.  I believe knowledge of how things really work will embolden you to take back your life.

FF

Where i live we have quite "bad" legal system and it takes quite much for someone to be putted away. So i'm not sure what will happen if i go to the police, i DO know that they would contact authorities about our kids and this is something i'm afraid of. Even if they won't take our kids away just know that they will have an eye on us would make me feel sick.
She is a loving mother and i'm a good dad but she can't always wait until they are at bed before raging at me and this hurts me the most. Cause the kids should NEVER see their parents raging or be that upset.

I will be sure to start voice recording at home to make sure she can't "touch me" in that way at least. I have a lot of texts where she agrees with what she have done, and also a lot of raging text, i even have one where she wrote that if i don't get back home she will burn down the house.

I Also have 2 videorecordings where she loses control and is hitting me with an Ipad.

I Don't want to use any of this but i will be prepared and not let her destroy my life completly.

I will look around and see what i can find in the matter of DV house or similiar close to me.


A good thing is that i think i got her in a better mode for now that usually gets us a week or so of peace (i hope at least) and she got to some insight herself that she don't wanna live like this. Just hope she will stick with these thoughts for a while.

[AllNightLong]

Oh boy! Were i wrong about given myself a break from all or what?

Wed evening and the whole Thursday was completly ruined with fighting and arguing.

It all started on monday where we agreed on putting all the sh*t behind us from friday and the weekend.

Tuesday was good and we had a friend over and everything seemed fine.

Wed morning she got out of bet said she had a bad night. I validated her and we agreed that we should spend some time together when i got home from work and our S2 was asleep.
Since she told me she had a rough night i went and bought her some flowers to let her know that i understood her and to give her some better feelings and love.

But wow this was my biggest mistake.

I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLOWERS!

She was completly raging about how i could be so stupid to buy these flowers. She hated them... (the "funny" thing is that it was roses and lilys, her favourites).

I apologized and validated her and she calmed down a bit and i tried to offer me to make her the dinner she said she would make for us. She said that would be nice.

I stood up and were going to start with dinner and just reached the kitchen when she say "what should i do? i don't feel well". Me: Ok, i'm sad to hear that, i understands that if feels tough and just let me take care of you and the house today so you can relax.

This started another rage since she hates when i try to take everything "out of her hands". She just feel anxoius when sitting there with nothing to do.
I started to feel this would be a "no winner" and no matter what i did or say that just wasn't good enough. And i should make her bad feelings go away.
Since i started to get frustrated by now i said, "sorry but i can't control your feelings, i can only help you to make the other things easier but you have to choose what you want to do".

This is when she say that i can forget go to work tomorrow and i ruined everything.
I tried to leave the room, she continued screaming until i got back since she scares the kids, she destroyed some of her own clothes that of course was my fault. Just for you to understand how she is when in this mode, i should pass her and just touched her clothes very lightly and she told me " touch me again and i will kill you!"


At least she let me sleep ok.

Thursday morning i got up in usual time and she directly started to text me, that if i left for work she will leave the kids and leave as well. I had to call in sick cause i'm not sure if she got any boundries in this situation. She said she can't take care of the kids when feeling like this.
I left the S2 at daycare and had the S2m with me, it was so close that i just took of but since he only breastfeeds i felt that i couldn't. She started to text me to get right back home, i wasn't allowed to go and by milk before heading home.
I went back home.

I was not allowed to leave the bedroom, where she was in bed. I tried to go downstairs and she pulled out all by clothes, throw my Macbook pro in the floor and i went up there to calm her down and she pulled me in to bed and trying to detroy my shirt and hit me in the back. NOTE: No kids were near any of this.

We argued back and forth for 5 hours before it was time to pick up the S2 again, She said she hate me but don't want a divorce. I said that maybe divorce is the best. She said that if i file a divorce she will go back to work and it's up to me to solve the kids. That would mean i could loose my job since i would have to go home and take care of the kids. This doesn't feel possible i'm afraid. So not sure what to do.

Suddenly she comes up with that she want a third kid, not now but in 4-5 years and she want me to promise her that. She has talked about this before and i've told her that 2 is enough for me but i will not close any doors about it. When i couldn't give her a promise about a third she actually starting to say that she maybe have to leave me since she wants this so bad. But this is something i will never promise her cause i will not bring another kid in to this marriage without serious improvements.

Time went by and she calmed down and since i have 3 insanly important weeks in my life coming i just do what i can to keep the peace right now. Today i can work from home at least...

Puh just needed to write this down and get it out. I did my best to validate, never invalidate but she is so hard to be around and pushing all my buttons every single day.
I think the best would be for us to divorce cause she doesn't feel any love and me neither but for some reason we are still together.

Just not strong enough (yet) to make that final decision. And to be honest i think both of us are to big cowards and that is why we are still together.

[formflier]

 
   

I can understand how you feel divorce is best.  I imagine anyone would feel that way.  That would certainly change your relationship, which you obviously want to change.

Can you read your post over and point out areas where YOU made a choice to "do" your relationship different? 

Hang in there... .this is tough stuff.  We are here for you.

FF

[AllNightLong]

Oh boy! Were i wrong about given myself a break from all or what?

Wed evening and the whole Thursday was completly ruined with fighting and arguing.

It all started on monday where we agreed on putting all the sh*t behind us from friday and the weekend.  red-flagHere where i/we agreed to leave the things happened behind us.

Tuesday was good and we had a friend over and everything seemed fine.  tried to stop the isolation 

Wed morning she got out of bet said she had a bad night. I validated her and we agreed that we should spend some time together when i got home from work and our S2 was asleep.
Since she told me she had a rough night i went and bought her some flowers to let her know that i understood her and to give her some better feelings and love.   did my best to give her some love since we has been lacking a lot of that lately

But wow this was my biggest mistake.

I BOUGHT THE WRONG FLOWERS!

She was completly raging about how i could be so stupid to buy these flowers. She hated them... (the "funny" thing is that it was roses and lilys, her favourites).

I apologized  don't think i should have apologized.  and validated her and she calmed down  tried to make it work  a bit and i tried to offer me to make her the dinner she said she would make for us. She said that would be nice.

I stood up and were going to start with dinner and just reached the kitchen when she say "what should i do? i don't feel well". Me: Ok, i'm sad to hear that, i understands that if feels tough and just let me take care of you and the house today so you can relax. Validated

This started another rage since she hates when i try to take everything "out of her hands".  here i now see that i actually tries to take away her problem from her  She just feel anxoius when sitting there with nothing to do.
I started to feel this would be a "no winner" and no matter what i did or say that just wasn't good enough. And i should make her bad feelings go away.
Since i started to get frustrated by now i said, "sorry but i can't control your feelings, i can only help you to make the other things easier but you have to choose what you want to do".  at least i think i tried to put her problem back to her 

This is when she say that i can forget go to work tomorrow and i ruined everything.
I tried to leave the room    , she continued screaming until i got back since she scares the kids, she destroyed some of her own clothes that of course was my fault. Just for you to understand how she is when in this mode, i should pass her and just touched her clothes very lightly and she told me " touch me again and i will kill you!"


At least she let me sleep ok.

Thursday morning i got up in usual time and she directly started to text me, that if i left for work she will leave the kids and leave as well. I had to call in sick cause i'm not sure if she got any boundries in this situation. She said she can't take care of the kids when feeling like this.
I left the S2 at daycare and had the S2m with me, it was so close that i just took of but since he only breastfeeds i felt that i couldn't. She started to text me to get right back home, i wasn't allowed to go and by milk before heading home.
I went back home.

I was not allowed to leave the bedroom, where she was in bed. I tried to go downstairs and she pulled out all by clothes, throw my Macbook pro in the floor and i went up there to calm her down and she pulled me in to bed and trying to detroy my shirt and hit me in the back. NOTE: No kids were near any of this.

We argued back and forth for 5 hours before it was time to pick up the S2 again, She said she hate me but don't want a divorce. I said that maybe divorce is the best. She said that if i file a divorce she will go back to work and it's up to me to solve the kids. That would mean i could loose my job since i would have to go home and take care of the kids. This doesn't feel possible i'm afraid. So not sure what to do.

Suddenly she comes up with that she want a third kid, not now but in 4-5 years and she want me to promise her that. She has talked about this before and i've told her that 2 is enough for me but i will not close any doors about it. When i couldn't give her a promise about a third she actually starting to say that she maybe have to leave me since she wants this so bad. But this is something i will never promise her cause i will not bring another kid in to this marriage without serious improvements.

Time went by and she calmed down and since i have 3 insanly important weeks in my life coming i just do what i can to keep the peace right now. Today i can work from home at least...

Puh just needed to write this down and get it out. I did my best to validate, never invalidate but she is so hard to be around and pushing all my buttons every single day.
I think the best would be for us to divorce cause she doesn't feel any love and me neither but for some reason we are still together.

Just not strong enough (yet) to make that final decision. And to be honest i think both of us are to big cowards and that is why we are still together.

Sorry no time to point out more things

I actually realize than in many situations i do the exact opposite of what you guys tell me. I pick up her problems and handling them for her.

I'm not any saint in these situations and i lost it and behaved quite bad myself but she crosses lines i wouldn't even think of crossing.

All of this just make me sick. When i'm not with her i can see that this is a very disfunctional relationship but when we are together i feel like i don't have a choice anyway so it's better to just suck it up. I just don't know how to stand up for myself anymore.

Thank you for listening.

[formflier]

     

I actually realize than in many situations i do the exact opposite of what you guys tell me. I pick up her problems and handling them for her.

I'm not any saint in these situations and i lost it and behaved quite bad myself but she crosses lines i wouldn't even think of crossing.



All of this just make me sick. When i'm not with her i can see that this is a very disfunctional relationship but when we are together i feel like i don't have a choice anyway so it's better to just suck it up. I just don't know how to stand up for myself anymore.
 

No need to go through and do all of this in detail. You see the pattern... .you see the choices.


Somehow... .we need to get you to the point of being able to "take a step" to stand up for yourself... .and hold the line on "just" that one issue.

Perhaps it will be as simple as "I'm going to take a 5 minute break to clear my head.   I'll be back in 5 minutes and resume the conversation... ."  and then do it... .   walk around the block... let her text, call, throw the TV out the window... .and https://youtu.be/FWBUl7oT9sA

Then... .give it a week of doing that... .consistently, then we will find another place for you to "hold".

Other specific stuff

1.  Does your wife have access to your phone or is it private? 
2.  Have you downloaded recorder app?
3.  Have you found a local DV shelter... .hopefully one that specializes in men as victims.  (you need to do this ASAP)

This seems like a daunting process... .I can understand how enormity of the situation.  Please focus on just "taking one step"... .in the right direction.

Can you do this?

FF

[AllNightLong]

     


No need to go through and do all of this in detail. You see the pattern... .you see the choices.


Somehow... .we need to get you to the point of being able to "take a step" to stand up for yourself... .and hold the line on "just" that one issue.

Perhaps it will be as simple as "I'm going to take a 5 minute break to clear my head.   I'll be back in 5 minutes and resume the conversation... ."  and then do it... .   walk around the block... let her text, call, throw the TV out the window... .and https://youtu.be/FWBUl7oT9sA

Then... .give it a week of doing that... .consistently, then we will find another place for you to "hold".

Other specific stuff

1.  Does your wife have access to your phone or is it private? 
2.  Have you downloaded recorder app?
3.  Have you found a local DV shelter... .hopefully one that specializes in men as victims.  (you need to do this ASAP)

This seems like a daunting process... .I can understand how enormity of the situation.  Please focus on just "taking one step"... .in the right direction.

Can you do this?

FF

I totally agree and i think that is a good starting point to add in to my life cause i think we really need that 5 min brake before we get in to the down spiral.

She has access to my phone, not My work phone and it's on that one i have the voice recording app so she wont find it. Unfortunetly i forgot it last time. It would have been usefull cause she is really convinced that she didn't say some stuff that i'm 100% certain she did. But it would have felt so good for me to actually confirm it for myself.
I have not looked up any DV house yet.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your clear eyes on My situation.