In over my head

[Terry44]

I'm glad I found this site. I'm really at a cross roads as to how to move forward. In a nutshell: married for 2 decades, 5 kids young kids, my wife was diagnosed at age 19 with BPD. She never told me, but a couple years into our rocky marriage, I found the diagnosis from her psychiatrist. (At 18 she was hospitalized with an eating disorder.) I asked her about this, as I had never heard of BPD. She quickly responded with, "well in order for insurance to cover my hospitalization, Dr. Markel had to give me that diagnosis." I believed her. That was in 1998.
She is incredibly perceptive, and is intuitive like no one I've ever known. Because of her seemingly great intuition, I unequivocally trusted her judgement when it came to people and relationships. I was very immature and naive.

It is only in the past 2 months, I've realized she has many BPD traits, and trying to come to grips with the reality of our relationship. I've been a work-oholic and my work has kept me distracted from our marriage troubles, for the most part. I've also been in denial too. So, I'm really new to this whole BPD concept.
Our history is strewn with wreackage of one broken relationship after another. She would 'diagnose' people, after first putting them on a pedal stool, then inevitably she would figure out they were a really bad person. I believed her each time, as I thought she was so much smarter than I was, and my judgement was inferior to hers. Daily criticism of me and fault finding were the norm. Even to the point she convinced me to end my friendship with my best friend of many years because 'he was a terrible influence on me.'

I'm realizing how passive I've been and can't believe I've gone along with her version of reality. I've sought out at therapist to help me, and take ownership of my stuff.

Intimacy has been fraught with trouble since day one of our marriage. Whether it is the way I hold her hand, put my arm around her, sit next to her, kiss etc., everything I do is wrong. She has an incredible well thought out reason she won't do anything of these things and it all comes back to how I do it wrong, I'm insensitive, not caring etc. "If only I was a better kisser," etc. I believed her as I know I being gentle is something I have to work at.

I've tried my best to sacrifice my desires in order to help her feel safe. For instance, sex is too hard for her because she was sexually abused (by a coach when she was 14), so I've laid down any rights to be sexually fulfilled, or initiate sexually. Being around food is too difficult for her because of her eating disorder, so I do the grocery shopping, and 90% of the cooking. My Pre-teen daughter does a huge amount as well, actually way too much. I know I am far from a perfect husband and in many ways, have no idea what I am doing. I'm aware I entered marriage to have my needs met, I have a short fuse with her, and have a whole of baggage to work through from own family of origin. So I don't want to paint a picture of everything is her fault. Actually I'm having a great amount of trouble unraveling what is my 'stuff' to own and what is not.

She believes her dad sexually abused her when she was little; although she can't specifically pin point anything material. She has falsely accused me of sexually abusing her, and worse. She once took the children from me for about a month and wouldn't let me see them until I had a complete psych evaluation; and even then I could only visit them with adult supervision.

Recently she sought help from an Neuro Linguistic Programing mental coach over the internet from Australia. This lady convinced her her conception was the result of her dad raping her mother, or at least some type of sexual violence. This lady also reinforced the belief that I am a huge problem in her life.

One of her constant narratives is how I am hurting our children and how I'm not a very good dad. I have believed it until yesterday. My 3 oldest children opened up to me as to how their mother has been hurting them so deeply. The basic gist of it is, we don't feel safe around mom, she gets enraged for no reason, she hurts us so deeply, she is always accusing us of trying to take advantage of her, she is so exacting, and expects us to clean the kitchen as good as, and in the same amount of time as she could. (I typically do the cooking and she makes the kids do the dishes and clean up). Another aspect was, and I quote, "mom makes me feel so bad about myself, she makes me feel so sad and that I am not a very good person. She told me how I do things intentially to break her heart into pieces." On and on my kids went for over an hour as to how their mother is breaking down their very personhood. (Those are my words, not theirs). They also told me they don't feel comfortable to talk to her alone about these things. "Even our apologies to her backfire on us" my daughter said.
I called a family meeting where the children very courageously and through a lot of tears shared their feelings. We were all crying, well, except for my wife. At first as they brought up stuff, she blamed work being stressful etc. In many of her apologies she couldn't even own her stuff, saying things like, "I'm sorry you felt that way," or "I'm sorry that hurt you." She had a terrible time owning it, and actually saying they words, I'm sorry I hurt you.

As I'm witnessing all of this, I finally realize, my kids are feeling the same way I have been feeling for all these years. And she doesn't get it!
I surely thought she would have broken down and put the connection together , that she is doing the same thing to the children as she has been doing to me. But instead, she is angrier than ever at me. I even suspect she is blaming me for this, and insisting I put the children up to this and put all these thoughts in their heads.

I am losing hope, as I would have imagined she would at least have a modicum of humility or brokenness as to what she has been doing to our children.

We just started couples counseling, and my hope is the counselor can help us. I have no idea what to do to protect my kids.  Lately she has been accusing me of being borderline, a narcissist, bi-polar. Etc.

I'm curious if others have ever been in a similar situation?

What do I do to help my kids?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Terry44:   
I'm glad you found us and decided to join the community.   I can understand how you feel you are over your head.  There is a lot going on and a lot of issues to sort through.  This is a safe place to share and there are helpful people who are willing to share and make suggestions.

One of her constant narratives is how I am hurting our children and how I'm not a very good dad. I have believed it until yesterday. My 3 oldest children opened up to me as to how their mother has been hurting them so deeply. The basic gist of it is, we don't feel safe around mom,
she gets enraged for no reason, she hurts us so deeply, she is always accusing us of trying to take advantage of her. Another aspect was, and I quote, "mom makes me feel so bad about myself, she makes me feel so sad and that I am not a very good person. She told me how I do things intentionally to break her heart into pieces."They also told me they don't feel comfortable to talk to her alone about these things. "Even our apologies to her backfire on us" my daughter said.     

I'm glad your children were honest with you and that you believed them. It took a lot of courage for them to come to you.  Do you think they might fear some backlash from their mom?

I finally realize, my kids are feeling the same way I have been feeling for all these years. And she doesn't get it! I surely thought she would have broken down and put the connection together , that she is doing the same thing to the children as she has been doing to me. But instead, she is angrier than ever at me. I even suspect she is blaming me for this, and insisting I put the children up to this and put all these thoughts in their heads.     

  People with BPD tend to play a blame game, so she may well be doing that.  They don't want to be wrong, so she will likely be unpleasant for awhile.  Does she use the silent treatment?

I'm aware I entered marriage to have my needs met, I have a short fuse with her, and have a whole lot of baggage to work through from own family of origin. So I don't want to paint a picture of everything is her fault. Actually I'm having a great amount of trouble unraveling what is my 'stuff' to own and what is not.  I'm realizing how passive I've been and can't believe I've gone along with her version of reality. I've sought out at therapist to help me, and take ownership of my stuff. . .   

It's good that you are getting some individual therapy to work on your own issues.  When you are ready to dig into issues from your family of origin (FOO), you might want to visit the Coping and Healing Board.  That board focuses on issues related to disordered parent and siblings. 

We just started couples counseling, and my hope is the counselor can help us. I have no idea what to do to protect my kids.  Lately she has been accusing me of being borderline, a narcissist, bi-polar. Etc.   

pwBPD like to project things onto others, hence accusing you of being the one with a personality disorder.  I'm glad you have started couples counseling.  Has your wife ever had her own individual counseling, while you have been married?

I'm sure that others will have some additional advice to give you.  Although you can't change your wife, you can learn some skills that can make things better for you.  If you look in the right hand margin, you will find some lessons on "basic tools".  A good place to start is to learn about setting and enforcing boundaries.  Boundaries are for your own benefit and protection.  Your wife won't like them and they will be up to you to enforce consistently.

After reading the lesson on boundaries, what are some boundaries you might want to set?  Some members like to read lessons and then come back and post about them to check their understanding and to practice and get some feedback.

Take care.   

[Mutt]

Hi Terry44, 



I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this, how old are the kids? Don't be hard on yourself, you're not blaming your wife and you're taking ownership of your part, that's all that you can do. The kids obviously feel like they can trust you enough to come to you for support? You're doing something right I think that the most important things is that you decided to reach out and get some help.

As I'm witnessing all of this, I finally realize, my kids are feeling the same way I have been feeling for all these years. And she doesn't get it!
I surely thought she would have broken down and put the connection together , that she is doing the same thing to the children as she has been doing to me. But instead, she is angrier than ever at me. I even suspect she is blaming me for this, and insisting I put the children up to this and put all these thoughts in their heads.

I'd like to touch on what Naughty Nibbler said about the blame game. A pwBPD blame the world for their problems, BPD is a persecution complex where the person really believes that their circumstances are not from the choices that they make or don't make in life, it's caused by outside circumstances. It helps to read as much as you can about BPD. A pwBPD believe that they're victim by the circumstances in others and will cast themselves as victims, sometimes rescuer and rarely persecutor a long a triangle ( triangulation ) A pwBPD will cast loved ones in the role of persecutor and sometimes rescuer, you'll see this pattern play over and over if you know what to look for, to stop the blame game, you move to the center of the triangle. Triangulation can also be used to cope when there is a lot stress in a r/s, sometimes a person will seek another r/s, it's not always seeking a third person sometimes it can be something like work.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Kids should really be kids, your pre-teen D sounds like she's going through something similar to my pre-teen D, they're being parentified. A pwBPD have dependency issues and rely on others to make them feel whole or to take care of things that they really should be taking care of themselves, what types of activities are the kids in? Do they have something that helps them build their self esteem, chores helps with that but it sounds like they're doing too much and a hyper critical parent is too stressful.

[Meili]

I too want to welcome you to the bpdfamily. I think that you'll find a lot of parallels in the experiences others share here.

You have already been given some great advice and things to think about, so I won't add much to that except to say that writing is therapeutic. When you are comfortable, please feel free to share more of your story with us. We are here to support you.

Take care of yourself.