My conflicting thoughts

[g2outfitter]

I know a lot of this has already been mentioned on previous threads but I need to write it down myself.  I appreciate everyone's support and comments on this forum.

I feel like I've put myself on an island.  I am now dealing with the second time my exBPD ended our relationship.

My family supported me wholeheartedly when my exBPD ended our relationship 10 months ago.  They were by my side and helped me cope the best they could.  I couldn't have made it without them and the help of my counselor.  It was the first time in my life that I truly considered suicide.  They all begged me not to get back with her and to feel relieved that I could move on and my life could start anew.  I truly put my loving mother through the same hell I was going through and her heart was breaking for me. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough and 3 months after my exBPD broke up with me I got back with her.  That was 6 months ago.  Then as expected (from everyone but me), my exBPD left me again a few weeks ago.  Not one person in my family has said... ."we told you so" but I am very reluctant to lean on them because I don't want to put them through my pain, again.  I keep telling myself in my mind the old phrase... ."Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  I feel ashamed I let myself get fooled twice.  Part of me feels as though I made this bed this time, so this time I need to lay in it.  No one put a gun to my head when I got back with her.

I now understand BPD but on the other hand it is still so very foreign to me.  I have no idea why I allowed myself to lower my own values and why I can't move on.  I always told myself that I could put up with a lot of crap from partners, but that I would always draw the line on infidelity.  My exBPD cheated on me and I didn't flinch on taking her back.  When she left this second time I even entertained the thought of having an open relationship with her.  I don't judge anyone else and if an open relationship works for you then great, but an open relationship goes against everything I believe in - it's just not for me. That's when I hit rock bottom and realized I had completely given up myself and my values for this woman.  I became a doormat and there was no reason for it... .I am a good man, with a good heart and I have a lot to offer a lady.  I know I deserve better yet I still yearn for someone who treated me with no respect at all. My counselor said it was an addiction.  I guess that's the best way to describe it.  I have never been addicted to anything in my life... .I sure have a new perspective for those unfortunate souls who fight addictions to alcohol and drugs on a daily basis.

I think the main reason I was so easy to forgive my exBPD for cheating is that I want to believe there is something in her head that will not allow her to control her emotions and actions.  I have so much sympathy for people who have had to face adversity in their lives and I never judge anyone for the personal struggles they face.  I was lucky, I grew up with extremely supportive and loving parents... .she grew up with a mother who has been a lifelong drug addict (with BPD traits) and an absentee father (in jail for most of her childhood).  She was raised by her grandparents and she claims her grandfather sexually molested her several times.  She also claimed to have been raped by several men as a child.  I feel most of the reason she does what she does is a by-product of the defense mechanisms she had to build up to survive.  I truly could not fathom living in the environment she was exposed to as a child.  Yet, I know she is a grown woman who does know between right and wrong.  That part of me can't justify her actions and that is the part that makes me angry.  After I got back with her, she admitted that what she did to me was wrong and that I didn't deserve it but she did it anyway.  I suspect she did it again the second time but I have distanced myself from her to shield myself from the details. 

I guess the bottom line is this... .I'm completely conflicted.  I feel sorry for her but at the same time she had no right to treat me the way she did.  I dedicated my life to her and showed her the love that I felt she was unjustly denied as a child.  Unfortunately, it's not my job to heal her wounds, she has to do that on her own.  I feel that she would truly love to have a nice, stable relationship but internally she just can't do it.  She told me she has never had her heart broken from a failed relationship (because the wall around it is so thick).  At this moment, I am very envious of her for that... .but deep down, I find that to be very sad for her.

We have all seen the brilliant side of people with BPD and we unfortunately have all been the target of their extremely dark side.  I just want to believe the brilliant side is what she would truly have been like, if she wasn't dealt the hand she was given as a child.  In my mind, her brilliant side is what is screaming inside her begging to be let out forever.  She just can't trust herself to let that happen.

All I can do is move on but I will never stop loving her or worrying about her (and her three year old daughter that I raised).  It's just hard to let go - especially when she tells me I will forever own a piece of her own heart (but she tells me lots of things I want to hear).  I feel like a doctor who has just watched his most beloved patient flatline right in front of his eyes.  I realize that isn't what a romantic relationship should be like, but I wanted to be the difference maker in her life.  I wanted to believe my influence on her life could make her actually get what she learned for. In the three years we were together my own parents showed her love and acceptance that she never encountered from her own parents.  However, I know now that no matter how hard I tried the outcome was inevitable.  In the end I realized she treated me no differently as she had anyone before me... .and she will continue her behavior with the next guy, and the next, and the next.

My heart goes out to all of you dealing with the same heartache and recovery that I am dealing with now.  I know most of you were exposed to far worse conditions of mental and physical abuse than I was (my exBPD was very high functioning and never had any signs of violence or self harm - just tons of deceit).  In many ways I came out better than most (especially compared to her exes).  I am not financially ruined, I am not attached by biological children, I do not have to deal with a divorce from her, I have no reason to be involved in her life anymore and I don't think of suicide anymore... .nonetheless, like the rest of you, I currently float in an ocean of heartache.

Thanks for reading.  Much love to all of you and my prayers are that we all recover and find the happiness we all deserve.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey g2, Maybe as a starting point you could forgive yourself.  You're human.  Like many of us, you were unable to resist giving your BPD r/s a second chance, which is quite common.  I suspect that friends and family will forgive you, too, if you give them a chance.  It's up to you to reach out, I suggest.  It's hard, I know, going through the b/u but one day you will be grateful to have left the toxic BPD soup behind, I predict.  In the meantime, suggest you treat yourself with kindness and respect.

LuckyJim

[g2outfitter]

Hey g2, Maybe as a starting point you could forgive yourself.  You're human.  Like many of us, you were unable to resist giving your BPD r/s a second chance, which is quite common.  I suspect that friends and family will forgive you, too, if you give them a chance.  It's up to you to reach out, I suggest.  It's hard, I know, going through the b/u but one day you will be grateful to have left the toxic BPD soup behind, I predict.  In the meantime, suggest you treat yourself with kindness and respect.

LuckyJim

Thanks LJ... .you're right, I am human and I am beating myself up a little right now.  I'm co-dependent and as a result I allowed my exBPD to reduce me to a shell of my old self.  My self-esteem is destroyed - so beating myself up isn't that hard to do.  I need to get my mojo back .

I've slowly reached out to my family again and as suspected they are supportive, but reluctantly.  I guess they're convinced I will be contacted again by my exBPD at some point future and they aren't convinced I won't repeat my mistakes.  I have learned though.  I can't pursue something that is so unstable.  I can't wake up every morning asking if today is the day she is going to end it again - for no apparent reason.

Thanks again LJ and you are right... .one day I will be thankful to escape the BPD storm.  I just that wish was today.

[Attic]

Thanks for sharing.  Well said.

We have all seen the brilliant side of people with BPD and we unfortunately have all been the target of their extremely dark side.  I just want to believe the brilliant side is what she would truly have been like, if she wasn't dealt the hand she was given as a child.  In my mind, her brilliant side is what is screaming inside her begging to be let out forever.  She just can't trust herself to let that happen.

That part in particular resonates with me.  I had similar thinking and it led me ignore so many warning signs.


I've been working on letting things be, rather than letting them go.  Perhaps she will find herself, perhaps it was an elaborate ruse.  A Potemkin village of sorts.


We reflect what we are inside.  I'm starting to realize that for me, my exBPDs were pretty lousy people.  Loveable, yes.  The One?, no.

I'm sure with these experiences many of us will go on to have very rewarding relationships after shoring up our resolve and awareness.

[vortex of confusion]

I guess the bottom line is this... .I'm completely conflicted.  I feel sorry for her but at the same time she had no right to treat me the way she did.  I dedicated my life to her and showed her the love that I felt she was unjustly denied as a child. 

No human being should ever treat another human being the way some of us were treated. There is no excuse. A crappy childhood is no reason. In my opinion, I think a crappy childhood gives a person all the more reason to be MORE loving and MORE understanding. At least that was my take away. Ex used to use his childhood and everything else to excuse his behavior. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it was completely bogus. I don't need to make excuses for him.

I know what it is like to feel conflicted. I was there for a lot of years. Oh, it must have been so horrible for him because <fill in the blank>. At some point, it becomes necessary to look at your own pain and your own feelings. How did YOU feel after being treated that way? Why did YOU let her treat you so poorly? How did your self esteem get eroded so much that you allowed yourself to be treated that way? Those are and were some very difficult questions to answers.

[g2outfitter]

No human being should ever treat another human being the way some of us were treated. There is no excuse. A crappy childhood is no reason. In my opinion, I think a crappy childhood gives a person all the more reason to be MORE loving and MORE understanding. At least that was my take away. Ex used to use his childhood and everything else to excuse his behavior. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it was completely bogus. I don't need to make excuses for him.

I know what it is like to feel conflicted. I was there for a lot of years. Oh, it must have been so horrible for him because <fill in the blank>. At some point, it becomes necessary to look at your own pain and your own feelings. How did YOU feel after being treated that way? Why did YOU let her treat you so poorly? How did your self esteem get eroded so much that you allowed yourself to be treated that way? Those are and were some very difficult questions to answers.

Amen Vortex! 

When I first went to counseling my first session with my counselor mainly focused on my exBPD and her actions.  My counselor said I should never excuse her behavior no matter what her past was like... .that she was a grown women who should be responsible for her actions. That she knew what she was doing - which deep down she did.

However, every session after that focused on me... .to get an answer to the very questions you pose.  I masked my feelings because of my sympathy towards her and what she had to deal with as a child.  My every action was to show her what true love was about, how to make her life easier, how to bring her happiness.  The problem was it was never reciprocated (after the idealization anyway) and I lost myself in the process. So why did I do that?  I found out why... .now I have to work to correct it.  To correct my issues and forget about what she did to me.  I can't control her actions, but I definitely can control mine and what kind of treatment I will accept from someone else.

[michel71]

Amen Vortex! 

When I first went to counseling my first session with my counselor mainly focused on my exBPD and her actions.  My counselor said I should never excuse her behavior no matter what her past was like... .that she was a grown women who should be responsible for her actions. That she knew what she was doing - which deep down she did.

However, every session after that focused on me... .to get an answer to the very questions you pose.  I masked my feelings because of my sympathy towards her and what she had to deal with as a child.  My every action was to show her what true love was about, how to make her life easier, how to bring her happiness.  The problem was it was never reciprocated (after the idealization anyway) and I lost myself in the process. So why did I do that?  I found out why... .now I have to work to correct it.  To correct my issues and forget about what she did to me.  I can't control her actions, but I definitely can control mine and what kind of treatment I will accept from someone else.

That is exactly where I am at now and where we all should get to if we want to get past the pain and hurt and never let it happen again. Lots of questions. Very difficult answers. Hard to process both. The worst is the cognitive dissonance... .how the head does not match the heart... .and what to do with that piece.

[g2outfitter]

The worst is the cognitive dissonance... .how the head does not match the heart... .and what to do with that piece.

Exactly! I could not have said that any better. My heart and brain are in constant turmoil. I wish my heart would just stop feeling for a while.

[cubicinch]

Many of the words resonate, many of us have been through similar... I'm just another person who gives too much of myself, not aware of putting myself first, and have been at the bottom of the seemingly bottomless dark pit. They suck you in with their intoxicating personality, promise of what you want, idealisations, hopes and dreams, only to spit you out as though it all meant absolutely nothing to them. But like you say it possibly did, but they just can't face it or sort themselves out.  Things will get better. I've been there a few times; it's taken a few years or this time a few months. I found things I liked to distract me from the endless torturing thoughts of what I'd lost, what could have been etc. I found a hobby, some company, enjoyed my dog. There's no magic solution, only time, and a few around you for support helps.

[g2outfitter]

They suck you in with their intoxicating personality, promise of what you want, idealisations, hopes and dreams, only to spit you out as though it all meant absolutely nothing to them.

I am still amazed at the similarities of this disorder in people.  This is exactly what happened to me... .and of course many others.  No good deed goes unpunished.  Thanks for your post.  Glad to know you are doing better.

[Grey Kitty]

Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough and 3 months after my exBPD broke up with me I got back with her.  That was 6 months ago.  Then as expected (from everyone but me), my exBPD left me again a few weeks ago.  Not one person in my family has said... ."we told you so" but I am very reluctant to lean on them because I don't want to put them through my pain, again.

I'd suggest you reach out to your family again.

You might even start out with something like this... ."Please, say 'I told you so' a few times now, and get it out of your system. Today I'm deeply aware of how ill-fated it was that we got back together, and whatever you've thought but not said about how stupid I was to do it... .well, I've told myself all that and worse already. Many times."

I hope you aren't as close to suicidal as you were after the first breakup--you don't sound that bad. So, you still need support, but probably not at the level you did last time around. So it should be easier on them.

Let them support you and take care of you if they want to. Or just spend time with them doing things that have nothing to do with that part of your life!

[g2outfitter]

I'd suggest you reach out to your family again.

You might even start out with something like this... ."Please, say 'I told you so' a few times now, and get it out of your system. Today I'm deeply aware of how ill-fated it was that we got back together, and whatever you've thought but not said about how stupid I was to do it... .well, I've told myself all that and worse already. Many times."

I hope you aren't as close to suicidal as you were after the first breakup--you don't sound that bad. So, you still need support, but probably not at the level you did last time around. So it should be easier on them.

Let them support you and take care of you if they want to. Or just spend time with them doing things that have nothing to do with that part of your life!

Thanks for the comment GK.  Fortunately, things are good with my family - they have unconditional love for me which is such a blessing.  They have agreed with me that I was an idiot for getting back with her , but they would never turn their back on me.  My reluctance to reach out to them at first had more to do with my own embarrassment.

I am nowhere near suicidal as I was before... .I have way too many reasons to live and I would deprive myself of possibly finding true love in the future. Besides, there is no way I would allow this woman to cause that kind of damage to my family.  Heck, I will now try to live to 150 just to spite her, . My prior thoughts of suicide do hit home however as the boyfriend before me did actually commit suicide.  Part of me now understands why - he went through the same hell as I did but he didn't have the support system I had.  I wish I could have known what I know now and been able to reach out to him then.  It was his daughter that I raised for the first three years of her life.  He left behind a special little girl.  It truly saddens me.

In a weird sense, I almost needed it to happen a second time to validate the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to create a different outcome.  The first time she split she projected all her issues onto me and made me feel as though I made fatal mistakes to ruin the relationship. She attacked my character on how to be a good boyfriend and as a result, I was riddled with guilt.  The second time she couldn't go after my character because the fact is... .I treated her like a Queen and her daughter as my own.  So she went after the only thing she knew to go after, my manhood.  She said my performance in bed was the reason she had to leave and for the entire three years we were together that she was never satisfied sexually (she NEVER mentioned this issue before nor seemed unsatisfied).  Then she said she was never physically attracted to me (I'm actually in better shape now than when we met) and that she was never "in love" with me.  Her insults didn't have the same effect on me... .mostly because they were so shallow but also because I educated myself about BPD during the time we were apart and was somewhat prepared this time. 

I can walk away without any guilt or regrets because of the effort I put into not only trying to make our relationship work, but what I put into being an incredible father to her daughter and the effort I made to try and help her overall well-being.  I did all I could.