New to this but it is really old

[Rona]

I am a 58 yo woman who has lived with a BPD parent all my life. I always knew there was "something" wrong but never could place it.  Wild mood swings, rages, belittling, a VERY UNHEALTHY " attachment to her mother who she idolized ( product of an alcoholic father who she tells sad stories about), sometimes I am the best daughter other times evil.  She hangs onto bad memories, letters that may have hurt her and just dwells on them constantly.  We have a family joke that if you cross her ( and we don't know when, what or why that will be) it will go into the "file" to be used against you someday.  Happens like clockwork.  As she gas gotten older her behavior has worsened- particularly toward my father who is 82 .  mom is 79.  Recently I watched her fly into a full blown rage at a gas station because the discount card she had wouldn't work.  It became my fathers fault.  She routinely verbally abuses him (I have considered calling APS for two years with dad begging me not to as it will make it worse). After 60 years of marriage she wants him out.  He sits in his car most days, ears or, runs into house and avoids her as much as possible.  She has alienated both my brother and myself, has caused split in family, is passive aggressive and manipulating.  Recently had my dads name removed from all banking and financial work because she told him if he were to get sick (he is not in best health at all) and needed to go to nursing home she didn't want the state to take the mone.  He went along with it and within 3 days began a rage and told him to leave.  He drive 3 hours to my house.  82 yo diabetic with several issues shaking and crying.  I got a counselor for him- he went once and then won't go back.  I met privately with the counselor who has said dad has a phlegmatic personality and is deep deep I into caregiver role.  Saw a lawyer with him to discuss separation.  He was prepared to come live with me but now... ."she is being so sweet to me... .she is going to have carpal tunnel surgery... .I need to see how she dies after surgery... .she doesn't want to sell house ( which is only way he will have financial access)... .he is falling right into it.  I am angry, frustrated, scared and beyond.  She has played a part my entire 58 years.  My mother is textbook BOD with narcissistic component. She hates that my dad gets attention because of his health and once simply screamed " What about me?"  I ran and found her Xanax - which she takes too much of and drinks quite a bit.   She has had 2 heart attacks and has a vascular issue in her eye that had left her legally blind in one eye.  She blames my father for this. The stress he puts her under gave her the heart attack which even resulted in vascular problems in her eye.  She attempted to jump out of my brothers moving car on a highway during an argument.  He grabbed her arm to prevent her from jumping which caused some bruising and skin tears because she is on aspirin and has thinning elderly skin.  She told police he was abusing her.  This was two years ago.  He stopped speaking g to her and to this day she doesn't understand why... .now she is trying to buy him with getting a shed built on his property, paying half of his child support for him,etc,  so manipulative!  Right now I hate her.  I feel like my life is a lie ( always thought she had a happy marriage- now says she has been miserable for 60 years). I am angry my dad keeps getting pulled in too.  I feel like I Am in middle. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Rona

Thanks for introducing yourself to our community. You have been dealing with this for a very long time now. Has your mother perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or any other disorder? Do you feel like she has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with the way she behaves and treats the people closest to her?

I ran and found her Xanax - which she takes too much of and drinks quite a bit.
... .
She attempted to jump out of my brothers moving car on a highway during an argument.

This behavior of your mother is quite concerning and clearly shows she has some very poor coping mechanisms. Does she have a tendency to engage in self-harming behaviors and/or to put herself and others in physical danger?

I am angry my dad keeps getting pulled in too.  I feel like I Am in middle.

I understand why this situation would anger you, especially after having dealt with it for so long now. Do you perhaps feel like your dad is allowing himself to be pulled in out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Welcome to bpdfamily

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