Ambivalent

[Digby]

I met my guy nearly two years ago. Broken up three times during this time, breaks lasting 1-5 months. He seems to fulfill criteria for BPD and his behaviour certainly does! We spoke this evening and I agreed to meet him for a walk in a few days. I have missed him terribly and been very depressed after I initiated the last (and all) break ups after reaching the end of my rope. We have had email and text contact during our break but mostly this was abusive,  angry,  blaming really& generally horrible stuff. I am elated thst we spoke earlier but also very worried about how to proceed? He has admitted to having been very depressed and resumed drinking and smoking heavily; something he appeared to have kept in check well during our time together. These are I believe symptoms of his illness not the cause. I care deeply for this man but fear that he will take over my life again and cause chaos and destruction. I want to be with him but seem unable to be stable and supportive myself and my life will be seriously damaged again. I am torn between being a rick for him and running for the hills. Any advice is welcome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Staying is hard. Leaving is hard.

Do you have ANY signs that the next 2 years will be any different to the last 2 years? Normally BPDs get WORSE when they get into a relationship, so if it's been that unstable for the last few years - expect it to get worse!

Staying takes a LOT of committment, work and tolerance and I wouldn't recommend it for most people. If you leave, it will hurt, but you will move on.  If you say you are unable to support yourself, then you are NOT able to be in a relationship supporting him. IT also sounds like you want to stay for HIS benefit - but you staying doesn't really help him.

[Skip]

Digby,

I might suggest working with the group here, using the tools, and do the self-reflection and see if that makes a difference. Then you will know for sure. It sounds like you care enough to explore saving the relationship.

For me, its about creating an environment where our partner can step up and make changes. The key is that you both have to make changes to make it work.

Drinking and smoking heavily is an added hurdle.

Skip