Pregnant Spouse with BPD

[icarus15]

Hello,
  I've been in a relationship with a BPD for the last 8 years. While there have been many wonderful times, there have been plenty of times where I've seen the 'rage monster' show up who is unwavering in tenacity. The relationship has gotten to the point on multiple occasions where it has almost led to divorce. However, things have worked out and then they have led down another emotional rollercoaster.
  Currently, my wife and I have two children and she's pregnant with our third. During pregnancy, the emotional rage swings always seem to be significantly worse. She's thrown her parents out of the house after they were visiting from across the country, she's threatened divorce countless times, threatened to call the police, locked herself in rooms, screamed for hours, etc etc, I'm sure most people on this forum know the symptoms.
   Anyways, I'm just looking for support. We were going to couples therapy two years ago when BPD was mentioned to me, and my wife went ballistic, vowing I betrayed her trust and saying she'd never see the therapist again. We never saw the therapist again, and we/I/she haven't seen anyone since. There have been major life changes, I've changed my job where I travel significantly more, so she claims I've abandoned her with our two kids, as well as we've become pregnant with our third child. She's gotten to the point in the last week, where she's told me not to come home, screams at me over the phone/text, and will not let me talk/see my kids as a way to hurt me, the way that I've hurt her. All of it starting from me telling her I didn't like the way she was speaking to me. Everytime I stop the converstation when she gets abusive, she increases the ante (don't come home TO you can't talk to your kids TO you can't see your kids TO I hate you TO I want a divorce, etc.).
   In the past, I've tried to address the communication issues, the yelling and screaming, and after doing some research I realize I've become at least a partial enabler, trying to solve her problems. It's hard not to, when you're being screamed at to 'fix this!' I've tried speaking calmly and addressing the emotions (this is how your feeling), but I know I've been dragged down into the fight on more than occasion and started yelling an screaming back. I know I'm not perfect, but the verbal abuse is well beyond anything I've ever experienced in my life combined, and it is difficult for me to simply not let it affect me. I'm very much experiencing burnout.
  We are both highly educated people, from good families with good jobs . As I've said before, I'm just looking for support from people who are in the same situation as I'm in. I love my wife dearly, but I'm beginning to reach the end of my rope. Despite the mention of BPD, she is currently undiagnosed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi icarus15,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. It sounds to me like you're split black for the time being, a pwBPD can't see people as an integrated whole, good people have bad qualities and bad people have good qualities, it's all one way or the other with no inbetween.

I can relate with you when you say that the conflict is probably one of the most difficult things to experience, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD cannot self sooth and it takes them longer to return to baseline, it sounds like your wife is emotionally dysregulated at the moment, i'd suggest to stop to conflict. Don't be hard on yourself if you've fough back, many if not all of us have, a pwBPD know how to push your buttons, they'll push them all at once   That said.

One of the most useful tools that I have learned here is JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Say things once, maybe twice but don't JADE when she's emotionally dysregulated or baiting. You'll probably understand what i'm going to say. A pwBPD have rigid thinking, if my exuBPDw is convinced that the sky is red, I used to try to explain to her logic but so be it if she thinks it's red, I know better then that, I know my reality and I don't have to explain myself to her. Her reality is as real to her as yours is to you, she has no other benchmark to compare with. There's a quote that i'm fond of from another members signature it goes something like, reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real.

Reality is debatable because how one person perceives reality is different from one person to the next, an accident comes to mind, if yo have several witnesses and interview them, their accounts will be different. I'd suggest not to tell her what she feels, it's invalidating telling someone what they feel because you're not them and you can't read their minds, a pwBPD need a lot of validation, feelings equals facts to a pwBPD, validate her feelings first then deliver your truth after you've validated her, validation makes the other person feel like they have been heard, everyone wants to be heard   Keep in mind what I said earlier about emotions and feelings are real, focus on that.

I'm not suggesting to validate the invalid, so if she's emotionally dysregulated, think about a situation where your emotions were intense and it impaired judgement, I can think of fights with my ex where I was emotionally charged, a pwBPD feel emotions more intensely then you or I, they experience emotions two thousand fold, now think about how that would impair your judgement, don't validate her if she's being verbally abusive, i'd suggest to say something like I won't be talked to like that and do something that will change the tempo around the house, go and clean your car or step out and run an errand, don't subject yourself to that type of treatment, try the tools, the tools will help but not always, at least you've tried, that's all that you can do.

[icarus15]

Thanks for the help. It's good to know I'm not alone in this. Even though sometimes it can feel that way. It seems hard at first to validate their feelings, I understand she can get upset, and right now I'm being 'baited' with the things I'm missing by being gone (when she's demanding I don't come back from my trip). Just wondering how I can validate the way she feels, when I don't agree with why she was angry. I don't want to avoid the entire situation, but I haven't been perfect before and it has ended dreadfully. Right now is Day 4 of waiting for her to start coming back down, but every time I've communicated with her, it has been constant rage and belittlement. I've left the conversation every time (where I've told her at the begining that I would do so if she started those lines of thought). It's hard right now, just trying to set up barrier so I can't get hurt, and stick to it.

[Mutt]

don't want to avoid the entire situation, but I haven't been perfect before and it has ended dreadfully.

I don't understand. What i'm saying is don't validate the invalid, baiting is a part of the disorder, it's difficult to get into a fight if the other person doesn't embark with you. It takes two.

It sounds like your putting all of the weight on your shoulders, why are you blaming yourself? There are only two things you can control, your thoughts and feelings you can't control how she acts or behaves only how you react. A r/s is two equal parts, if she doesn't want to take ownership for her half, you don't need to take ownership of your part and her part too. It's taking awhile for her to come down, recall what I said emotional dysregulation, it doesn't mean that you have to sooth her, you're not responsible for someone else's feelings, she has to sooth herself.

[Shane87]

Welcome, icarus15.

I appreciate what you're going through.

I agree with what Mutt is saying.  Instead of arguing, simply say how you feel and leave it at that.  Don't justify it.  Don't try to explain anything about how you're right or she isn't.  Just say, "I feel... ." and leave it at that.

Or, in other cases, don't respond at all.  I've found that my wife will often try to use my responses as a springboard to maintain her own emotional intensity.  If I just stand and stare at her without any response and no emotional display for several minutes, she will often lose steam.

When it gets really bad, I've told her, "I love you.  I'll be back in half an hour."  Then go for a short drive.

[icarus15]

I'm trying not to put the entire relationships emotional stress on myself. But I've been doing it for so long, it's just difficult trying to step away. Just today, I took a couple of hours away to see a movie by myself [without telling her *gasp*] and turned my phone off to just give me some, me time. I had texts, threatening why I wasn't responding, saying time's up [time's up for what?], and that I was treating her like excrement. Since, I'm in a different state for work, I'm just not responding; I've decided I'm not going to respond to threats, and I've told her so... .It's just well hard.

[Mutt]

You can have your feelings about her behaviors, it helps to share with us here, it takes time for change to happen. I know that the behaviors are not easy and change isn't easy either.

[icarus15]

Mutt,
  Thanks, it's good that I can outlet to someone somewhere who understands what's going through. Just saying things outloud or getting them out there help to feel better. I've been a wreck before just holding it inside.