New here

[Mario]

Just trying out this site.  My BPD wife and I have been in single and couples therapy irregularly for two years.  I need regular support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[daverisk]

Mario,

I'm pretty new here myself... .this is a great place to find support... .find people who understand what you're going through... .and there's even sound advice offered from time to time... .not by me of course... .my pain is still too fresh.  This is a good place... .a safe place... .welcome.  If you have specific questions or just want to vent feel free.

[Mario]

Thanks Daverisk.

One of my main questions is how many of you out there "fake it?"  That is, how many lie and say you love your spouse because they are still unaware and unable to come to terms with their illness, and could neither bear nor understand why you do not love them.  And for those who do go through the motions simply because they are committed, what has that looked like for you?

[Dragon72]

Thanks Daverisk.

One of my main questions is how many of you out there "fake it?"  That is, how many lie and say you love your spouse because they are still unaware and unable to come to terms with their illness, and could neither bear nor understand why you do not love them.  And for those who do go through the motions simply because they are committed, what has that looked like for you?

I think I'm ready to admit that I live a lie. I simply don't love my wife any more.  I feel sorry for her and I fear her.  Sometimes I get on well with her, like a roommate.  Most of the time not.  That's not love.

[daverisk]

Thanks Daverisk.

One of my main questions is how many of you out there "fake it?"  That is, how many lie and say you love your spouse because they are still unaware and unable to come to terms with their illness, and could neither bear nor understand why you do not love them.  And for those who do go through the motions simply because they are committed, what has that looked like for you?

Mario,
I can only speak for myself... .mostly... .I lied to myself... .I told myself that everything was ok... .just a few rough spots... .made excuses in my mind for her behavior... .that became impossible with this last incident that finally brought me to this board.  She and I both put on brave faces when together in public... .my family had no idea there were issues... .I don't think hers did either... .now that she no longer lives with me and our four children... .I think people realize something is desperately wrong.

I still love my wife... .I'm still attracted to her... .I still want to make my marriage work... .but I don't want to live as we have for the past two or three years.  I'm not IN LOVE with my wife... .but that is an emotion that comes and goes in every relationship... .or most... .I think... .I'm no love expert (cue the "Frozen" soundtrack)... .

The good thing... .for my relationship... .is that my wife is in counseling... .three times a week... .and undergoes a psychiatric evaluation in about a week... .so, if she can address her issues, and I can address mine... .maybe we'll find that "happy couple" that met and fell in love almost 10 years ago... .that married nine years ago... .and that produced four great kids... .maybe we'll be able to fall in love again... .then again... .maybe not... .it's a gamble... .but one I'm... .for now... .willing to take.

Has your wife been diagnosed?  Treatment?  Are you in therapy?

[Mario]

Thanks again.

I'm sure you know by now that you are very, very fortunate to have your SO in consistent therapy so soon.  We've been married for 13 years.  I first fell out of love with her within the first two years.  Ever since I just try to love her as best I can and am thankful for the good times.  There are plenty of good times.  It's almost like living in a mine field decades after a war.  You try to make a normal life until one goes off.

No, my wife is still unaware and our counselor (we see infrequently... .on average once every 2 months maybe?) suggested to me privately that she is probably BPD but couldn't make an official diagnosis and said my wife is not at the point at which she would receive that.  The counselor gave an emotion workbook to my wife to work through; I googled it and it's for BPD but doesn't overtly say it.

[daverisk]

She's new into the counseling... .just started in January... .a long bumpy road lies before us.

[isilme]

Going on 21 years here.  H has never been told I suspect BPD, and while he surprised me once by admitting to seeking anger therapy without my knowledge, it's never been something we've spoken of or I've insisted upon. 

I don't feel I "fake" loving him, I just had to come to terms with what that means.  It means I will always be more involved in making things work.  It means I will always wear the "big girl pants" and take on what needs to be done because he can't or won't.  It means I will accept what he can offer and give, and have learned to cherish that instead of mourning for things we won't have - no kids.  He dithered over too many things in life to make that a reality.  We're a bit behind our contemporaries, partly because he was slow in accepting he was an adult and needed to take on adult responsibility.  I decided to let go of things like that, (kids are not a huge deal, I was so routinely abused and neglected I don't trust my instincts), and take a sort of consolation in this fact:

If I lived alone, I'd still do all I do now.  Overall, I find life WITH him better than what I can imagine without him.  But it's taken 2 decades to get to this point, and I learned about BPD about 10 years back, and have been slowly, painfully working to get here.  And here is far from perfect, or you'd not see me posting. 

I think a lot of newer people on here are still in a big discovery phase, still working on healing from all the past crazy that has taken place up to now.  I think there are a lot of steps to take before the emotional protection of shutting down a little can be lifted.  You have a "love embargo".  You need some tariffs to paid or sanctions met before you feel safer lifting that embargo.  And that's ok.  I told someone on here this morning, as things stand today is not necessarily how things will stand tomorrow or a year from now.  Unless you are in a state where physical danger is imminent, you've got some time to heal, try setting a few boundaries at a time, and see if things can get better.  You've got time to leave if things never change.  It's hard to feel like you are roommates, or a child/parent instead of spouses. 

[Loca]

I haven't been on this site for a while. But today was just one of those days... .I have been under the covers, sometimes struggling, sometimes not just to survive. I have long pondered about "loving" my H. Am I lying to myself? What does LOVE really mean? I have been hardened so much through dealing with the anger and belittling and blame that I don't know what or how to feel anymore. I just feel that I am where I am because of the fear and laziness to change... .Sorry if I am not making any sense. Yes sometimes I do feel like I'm faking it. And then I will get into self-loathing as I feel that I'm not doing myself any justice by lying to myself.