So immature

[bus boy]

I've posted about Xw sending dirty clothes, old clothes to small and numerous other immature things she does. With the help of the good people on here I've learned how to deal with her patheticness. The solution was simple, buy clothes for s10, it's hilarious now, she still sends clothes to small. I picked s10 up on Friday he had on his good under armour and north face clothing, in his clothes bag was a pair of underwear to small, an old t shirt to small and an old pair of grey sweat pants. such a sad way to live. I dress s10 up in nice clothes when he is with me, I say nothing to Xw, let her think in her twisted mind she is getting to me.

[david]

I had the same issue. It was said on this site a few years back, "negative engagement is still engagement". That saying really helped me a lot. It's the reason you have to emotionally detach. If it affects you and you show your hand then you are simply reinforcing the behavior. Showing no reaction reduces the number of incidents. Also, as our boys got older they decided what they would wear at their moms' and what they would not.
The other thing that occurred, in my situation, was that both boys realized what their mom was doing and her actions pushed them further away from her. Her behaviors are the reason why so many people stay away from her. I made excuses or ignored some of those things when we were together.

[Panda39]

I had the same issue. It was said on this site a few years back, "negative engagement is still engagement". That saying really helped me a lot. It's the reason you have to emotionally detach. If it affects you and you show your hand then you are simply reinforcing the behavior. Showing no reaction reduces the number of incidents. Also, as our boys got older they decided what they would wear at their moms' and what they would not.
The other thing that occurred, in my situation, was that both boys realized what their mom was doing and her actions pushed them further away from her. Her behaviors are the reason why so many people stay away from her. I made excuses or ignored some of those things when we were together.

I agree with david don't engage when you don't need to (it takes time to learn but you are definetly starting to catch on  ).  Problem solve how you can work around a problem, like you did with the clothes, not getting information about school, or medical care don't wait for the ex to inform you, go straight to the source, look at a situation and determine if there is any action you actually have to take ie: she sends an attacking email don't JADE, don't respond. 

Below is one of my own stories of non-engagement... .

I knew I had finally arrived at some kind of understanding when my SO's uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) took D (then13) with her to drop D(then18) off for her first year of college.  This was a trip across the country over a weekend.  So off they all went to Vermont and the day they were to return we get the call from the ex... .We missed the plane, because of traffic, we won't be home today.  (Really? I'm sure traffic is horrendous on a Sunday in Vermont  ) In the past I would have been freaking out and angry and would have engaged in the drama... .my old thinking would have gone something like, anger because she was cutting into my SO's time with his daughter and she was missing school to Wow is she being kidnapped?  But instead by then my SO and I had learned more about BPD and better ways to respond. Rather than engage in the drama he just told her to send him her new flight information once it was arranged. No drama we didn't take the bait.  D and uBPDmom arrived home the next day.  Yes, mom's behavior sucked but engaging in drama was not going to change anything, sometimes letting go is a good option.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Same here. Old clothes, way too small clothes, clothes with holes, inappropriate for the season and never ever does she send any clothes for church even though my SS's go to church every sunday as do we. I guess she likes to pretend we are not church going people or something.
We buy clothes for them and just let them wear the stuff that we have for them. We will occasionally look into the bag she packs to see what nonsense she has packed this time but for the most part we just set it aside and have the closet with clothes set up for them. I got fed up very fast with her antics. It is extra money we have to spend as we only see the kids during school breaks, so we never really know what size they wear at that moment and just try to guess. We never send any of our clothing back with her. I put them in the clothes they wore on the day they came. Over christmas it was hoodies in bright neon that were an adult size M (the kids are 10 yrs old and on the small side) so the hoodies basically hung to their knees and folded over about 5 times on their wrists. Shoes are either 2 sizes to big or so old that they can't walk straight in them anymore.

[david]

My ex ran away with the boys in 2007. A few weeks later she literally emptied our house.  It took me about three weeks, and going to court, until I was able to get to see our boys. The day before I was to see them I realized I had no clothes for them. I called my atty. Ex's atty said I was lying. About two hours before the pickup I received a call from my atty. Her receptionist called to tell me that ex's atty called and said her client confessed and that I would get some of the boys clothes during the exchange. I was new to the legal system and asked if atty's normally talk like that. I was assured they do not. I got three bags of clothes when I picked up the boys. Of course, two and a half of the bags was trash, clothes that didn't fit, holes or stains, you get the picture.
 
A week later, it just so happened , that a Walmart nearby was closing in order to expand the store. They had 50 to 70 % off so I filled a shopping cart with clothes that would fit either boy. Within a month or two I noticed that all their new clothes were gone and all I had was clothes that were tight or had some holes. A lot of it I didn't even recognize.

I decided to always dress the boys in whatever I picked them up in. That seemed to fix the problem.
 
About a year later, it could have been two years, I noticed our younger boy needed underwear. I purchased two packs for him. They disappeared in about a month. The next time I picked them up I paid attention to our youngest when he was getting ready for bed. He wasn't wearing underwear. I questioned him and he said mom gives him his clothes to wear and sometimes he doesn't get underwear. I explained that he is not to leave my house or his moms' house without wearing underwear. He was old enough by then to do that on his own.

Nothing my ex does surprises me anymore.

[Nope]

The clothes game is a near universal issue. In some cases as the kids grow up they start to see what the BPD parent is doing and form their own opinions. In other cases they grow up grateful to get needs met by their non parent but still make excuses for their BPD parent. My SD14 is a huge excuse maker for her uBPDm. She has decent clothes now because she lives with us full time so she simply refuses to acknowledge how she was walking around before that. My SS12 is going through a very long drawn out gross phase where he doesn't take proper care of himself and must be reminded constantly to do better, so he sees no problem with what his mom did and didn't provide. Last time he went on break to uBPDm's home he bathed twice in ten days. He admitted this to DH when he came home stinking and with long dirty fingernails and was confronted.

At least they are both now at an age where we can tell them that if they don't bring something back from their mom's then they won't have it while they are here. They are expected to be responsible for there things. Sometimes having a disordered parent means a child will have to grow up just a little quicker.

[takingandsending]

Hey bus boy.

Just joined the club this morning. There should be a Welcome to BPDKidsClothesAsControl Family sign. I am moving into my own home tomorrow. S5 laid out the clothes that BPDm gave him to bring to my house ... .after I just bought him clothes for expressly that purpose. I bought him 4 pairs of new pants, a shirt and four pairs of socks. He has quite a lot of tees, shirts and shorts that STBxw said he could keep at my house so don't buy any. I looked through the "clothes going to dad's" pile: 2 new pants, 2 old pants with holes in the knees (because I "only have him on one day he has to go to school so he can wear the torn pants on weekends", 2 new pairs of socks, the new shirt and two old shirts (one which is too small) and no shorts.

So, she took 2 of the new pants nad 2 new pairs of socks and gave me the stuff that he can no longer wear. I will head back to the store and buy him more pants, some shirts, socks and shorts. They will stay at my house. In my wife's mind, it all makes perfect sense. Scary.

Hang in there.

[FamilyLaw]

It is truly "The Clothes Game."  I had one friend whose stepkids' mom literally threw the new school uniforms dad had bought into the dumpster in front of the kids. 

In my family we had the opposite problem.  Mom shops to soothe herself.  She would go shopping for DSD and drop the bags off on DH's front porch so that her new husband wouldn't know what she had bought.  When DH moved into my house I cleaned out DSD's closet (she was 8 at the time) and filled 3 black garbage bags with clothes to be donated.  Most still had the tags on them.  DSD is now 17 and a couple weekends ago she cleaned out her closet at our house (we have 50/50).  There were four Trader Joe's bags of clothes and two of shoes, many with the tags still on them.  DSD is a jeans shorts and t-shirt girl, but there were dresses that had never been worn.  Unfortunately, DSD has fleas and whenever she has money burning a hole in her pocket she goes clothes shopping, even though she rarely wears what she buys.  Hopefully she will grow out of this when the money is coming from her own work.

[bus boy]

The clothes issue, fingernail issue, there always seems to be something. I clipped s10's finger nails about a year ago, one evening before school and the next access weekend I noticed they weren't cut so I cut his nails, thinking nothing of it bc my brains don't go to those dark twisted places of the BPD. After a while I noticed she stopped clipping s10's nails, they would be sicking dirty. I don't say a thing, I just clip them. Today Xw texts that I should of got s10 to shower. It's my split weekend, s10 comes for 24 hr. He showered yesterday, has a swimming bday party to go to today so I told s10 he could shower after swimming, he is perfectly clean, Xw texts me that I should of made s10 shower. I told her I made the decision as a parent that s10 could shower after swimming.

[LilMe]

My uBPDx says the clothes the children wear from my house are evil and makes them change as soon as they get to his house. He only lets them wear plain navy, black, or white clothes. It is upsetting to the children as I let them wear what they want as long as it is clean, fits, and is appropriate. I just wish they cared at all about the pain they cause the children!

[bus boy]

They can't care about the pain they cause, that's how they are hard wired right from the factory. Normal people don't to those things.