How do you keep the bond?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife matched most of the BPD traits.  Been married since 2004.  Typical BPD, she seemed great all around until she moved in and got married.  Verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  This along with (at least) emotional cheating (can't prove physical hasn't happened). Sporadic rages when she didn't have her medication (max dose of Lexapro) because she used up her meds before her next refill was due.

We have a 9 year old daughter and I actually wanted to divorce her when we found out she was pregnant because I did not want my child to witness the abuse.  I stayed and now my little girl sees my wife not only berate me, but my daughter feels like she is walking on eggshells.  She has major anxiety issues.  My wife is hot/cold to her and just plain cold to me.  I can't honestly remember when the last time my wife even gave me a hug or even asked how my day was... It's been well over five years for as something as simple as that.

We tried marriage counseling (she quit) and then a psychologist.  Psychologist told me that she needs years of therapy and that if I were to leave she could guarantee that my wife would commit suicide.  When the few times I talk about divorce, she will tell me how hard she would make it on me and basically wants me to live in a life of abuse.

I love her but I don't even know if I'm 'in' love with her anymore.  I offer to take her on vacations, do family things, etc... however she would rather stay on her phone and not doing anything with us.  If I try to bring up counseling again, it's put onto me, that 'Im the crazy one'.  I try not to get into arguments with her and when I don't, she resorts to telling our daughter how awful of a dad I am.  Either my daughter will shy away and become quiet or at times defend me.  My wife then will play the victim card and tell us how we don't love her.

It's a f'ed up mind game.  The damage is being done yet I feel powerless to stop it.  Do I leave and have my wife possibly commit suicide?  Do I leave and let my daughter to fend for herself when she is with her mom?  Most nights I just try not to even talk to my wife, after 13 years of trying every possible angle I have exhausted hope.

The physical abuse stopped a couple years ago and she hasn't made any threats for awhile, however every night there is some sort of verbal abuse from her.  Her dad is identical in this.  She grew up being abused (both physical and sexual) and a number of other awful things that have happened to her.  I empathize with her, however she quits therapy as soon as they bring up her past. 

She's unstable and the bond that I had for her is quickly fading.  I often go out by myself and don't seem to have any problem with women coming up to me to talk.  I find myself smiling a lot more when I'm out then when I'm home waiting for the next barrage of assaults.  I then remind myself that my wife was once that way, nice and someone I could confide and talk to.

Maybe this is just a rant, I don't know... I'm just unsure what to do.  I could literally write a book on the drama she has put me and our daughter in over the years, but I just can't get into it right now.

[Silveron]

My wife matched most of the BPD traits.  Been married since 2004.  Typical BPD, she seemed great all around until she moved in and got married.  Verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  This along with (at least) emotional cheating (can't prove physical hasn't happened). Sporadic rages when she didn't have her medication (max dose of Lexapro) because she used up her meds before her next refill was due.

We have a 9 year old daughter and I actually wanted to divorce her when we found out she was pregnant because I did not want my child to witness the abuse.  I stayed and now my little girl sees my wife not only berate me, but my daughter feels like she is walking on eggshells.  She has major anxiety issues.  My wife is hot/cold to her and just plain cold to me.  I can't honestly remember when the last time my wife even gave me a hug or even asked how my day was... It's been well over five years for as something as simple as that.

We tried marriage counseling (she quit) and then a psychologist.  Psychologist told me that she needs years of therapy and that if I were to leave she could guarantee that my wife would commit suicide.  When the few times I talk about divorce, she will tell me how hard she would make it on me and basically wants me to live in a life of abuse.

I love her but I don't even know if I'm 'in' love with her anymore.  I offer to take her on vacations, do family things, etc... however she would rather stay on her phone and not doing anything with us.  If I try to bring up counseling again, it's put onto me, that 'Im the crazy one'.  I try not to get into arguments with her and when I don't, she resorts to telling our daughter how awful of a dad I am.  Either my daughter will shy away and become quiet or at times defend me.  My wife then will play the victim card and tell us how we don't love her.

It's a f'ed up mind game.  The damage is being done yet I feel powerless to stop it.  Do I leave and have my wife possibly commit suicide?  Do I leave and let my daughter to fend for herself when she is with her mom?  Most nights I just try not to even talk to my wife, after 13 years of trying every possible angle I have exhausted hope.

The physical abuse stopped a couple years ago and she hasn't made any threats for awhile, however every night there is some sort of verbal abuse from her.  Her dad is identical in this.  She grew up being abused (both physical and sexual) and a number of other awful things that have happened to her.  I empathize with her, however she quits therapy as soon as they bring up her past. 

She's unstable and the bond that I had for her is quickly fading.  I often go out by myself and don't seem to have any problem with women coming up to me to talk.  I find myself smiling a lot more when I'm out then when I'm home waiting for the next barrage of assaults.  I then remind myself that my wife was once that way, nice and someone I could confide and talk to.

Maybe this is just a rant, I don't know... I'm just unsure what to do.  I could literally write a book on the drama she has put me and our daughter in over the years, but I just can't get into it right now.

[ArleighBurke]

You sound so incredibly similar to me.

I left my BPD wife 11months ago, for 1 week, then came back. She came very close to suicide when I was away. She has told me that if i left again she would do it - and I fully believe her.

That DOES place a great weight on your shoulders, but at the end of the day it is not your problem to own. It takes a lot to be able to live with that thought - but it truely is HER choice. If you feel you need to leave, certainyl try to set things up to be the easiest possible, but what she does is up to her.

If I stay, I will be largely miserable, and she will too. If I leave, I have a chance to be less miserable- possibly even happy - but she will stay miserable. Overall - leaveing seems to be an improvement. But at the moment, I'm making the choice to stay and try to make myself less miserable. It works a bit - I can detach from her, live my own life, not take things to heart - and mostly i enjoy life. I'm trying to work out how good my life is, or isn't, and what am I willing to accept to stay.

SHE can probably not get better. But YOU can. I'm not sure how much you can improve whilst staying married, but it's worth a try. Anything you do now (while married) to improve yourself, your life, your relationship with your daughter is not wasted if you eventually get divorced.

Have you read about (and practice) Validation? Do you know about JADE? Have you read "Stop walking on Eggshells"?

[Lucky Jim]

I'm just unsure what to do.  I could literally write a book on the drama she has put me and our daughter in over the years, but I just can't get into it right now.

Hey Silveron, We can't tell you what to do; instead, it's about finding the right path for yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  You seem in a quandary about choosing between two alternatives, neither of which you want to do.  Does that sum it up?  I would suggest that it's not an either/or proposition and that there may be other options that you have yet to consider.  It's your task to figure out what those other options are.

LuckyJim

[Silveron]

Thanks for the replies.  I've tried validation but when she continues to do wrong and abusive it's very difficult to stay on course.  And it does seem like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I really only have two options.  My daughter has already pleaded with me to not divorce (her best friend's parents are going through this now).  Knowing that I really don't have a choice but to live in a loveless, drama-filled marriage gets to be depressing.

I concentrate on my daughter and my german shepherd (I know, it sounds weird) but I'm a huge animal lover and work with her quite a bit.  However as you know there is that missing piece with the one you said your vows.  ArliehghBurke, do you have children?  What is making you stay if you don't?  Honestly that is the reason why I am staying, I couldn't trust my wife to be alone with my daughter when my wife goes through one of her episodes.  When it happens now, at least I can step in and stop it.

If you were to meet my wife, she is a charmer and very beautiful, however behind closed doors is a monster that no one gets to see but me. 

What I would like to see is if she went to therapy and started working out all her emotional issues that she has bottled up and finally be able to show me some sort of love or empathy.  We tried, four times and every time she has quit.  Lucky Jim, wish I could figure out some other options.  I'm the type of guy who likes to solve problems and move on, however I've been stuck on this one for the past 13 years.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Silveron, Right, from your perspective, you're between a rock and a hard place.  In the meantime, life is passing you by.   One could say, as Thoreau put it, that you're leading a life of "quiet desperation."

I have been in your shoes, my friend, with kids and two dogs.  I used to have fantasies about something happening that would free me from the logjam.  I knew my Ex was emotionally troubled and felt that my kids deserved to have me around as a stabilizing influence.  Though that may have been a noble cause, I ran myself into the ground until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, at which point I was no help to anyone.  Suggest you try to avoid this outcome by consciously taking steps to recharge your emotional batteries.  Reach out to others and don't allow yourself to get isolated.

There are other options, even if you can't see them.  For example, you could take a break and go away by yourself for a weekend to visit a friend or family member, to keep things in perspective.  You could have a trial separation for a specific period of time.  You could use a trusted friend or family member as a mediator to see if you can find some solutions.  Maybe you could come up with some more options on your own?  Those are just some ideas off the top of my head.

The concept that your W might voluntarily return to therapy seems unlikely to me.  Been there; done that.  My BPDxW quit therapy at least four times (probably more).

If you're not sure what to do, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  You know, those deep down hunches that come from your core.  You might have to set aside time to listen hard to that quiet internal voice.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

Yes I have 3 kids (13/10/7). I too worry a lot about what would happen if I left. My wife isn't the most supportive for the kids - I currently make sure that I come in after her rants to provide what I hope is validation, love and understanding for them. If I left, even assuming I have them 50%/50%, will they get the love they need? How can you possibly evaulate that, or balance that against my own pain?

A friend of mine divorced his (non-BPD) wife. She got majority custody, but within a few years all the kids were volunteering to live with dad (they were 12-16yrs old). I guess the kids "know".
Another friend divorced her abusive husband (both non-BPD). They also had joint custody of their 8yr old. She observed that whenever the son returned from dads, he was rude/withdrawn/different for about a day - then he "adjusted" back into her family and was terrific while with her. So the kids also learn to adjust and behave differently at different homes.

I speak with my counsellor a lot. Her overarching opinion is that same as what I read everywhere - leaving creates problems, but those problems are less than the problems of staying. Having 2 unhappy parents 100% of the time is bad, and the kids see it. Divorcing and having 1 unhappy parent 50% of the time, and one happy parent 50% of the time is better!

But i still can't make that decision. I still live in hope that my wife will make "just that little bit of effort" and things will get better. I see every little good thing she does as a sign that it'll get better - but it doesn't. Nothing about her changes. *I've* changed - I am emotionally stronger, more self-assured, more committed to having a life despite her complaining, more capable of dealing with her outbursts - but she will probably always be the same.