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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Help Married Wife Got Engaged  (Read 461 times)
rosesarered777
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« on: March 20, 2017, 11:16:53 PM »

Found out today that she got engaged days before Christmas 2016!

Everyone in her family knows that she is still married to me. No divorce papers have been signed by either of us. She cannot file in Canada until July 2017.

How is she "happy" and "so in love" with this guy when they only met presumably in August-September 2016 and now she wants to marry him while she is still married to me? She and I were dating 'on and off' for 7 years before she demanded marriage and kids! She was so well behaved in the months leading to the marriage... I was surprised... .and scared as hell once she devalued me 2-3 months after moving in together. What is going on?

She has a picture of herself with him as his cover photo. She walked 225 calories and is happy with herself but it is obvious that in the 7 months since we separated, she has gained 50-100 pounds.

She has had 0 communication with me and blames me for her assault on me last July, causing her to move out.

She has gained the weight and looks to be balding at 33! Not sure how she is getting married/engaged but the "new guy" looks to be 45 -- at least 15 years older than her.

This makes 0 sense.
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Violettine
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 11:30:50 PM »

Sorry to hear this.
Seems like the new guy may be a fat admirer/chubby chaser (if you will) and may be enabling her. But of course I might be totally wrong.

Found out today that she got engaged days before Christmas 2016!

Everyone in her family knows that she is still married to me. No divorce papers have been signed by either of us. She cannot file in Canada until July 2017.

How is she "happy" and "so in love" with this guy when they only met presumably in August-September 2016 and now she wants to marry him while she is still married to me? She and I were dating 'on and off' for 7 years before she demanded marriage and kids! She was so well behaved in the months leading to the marriage... I was surprised... .and scared as hell once she devalued me 2-3 months after moving in together. What is going on?

She has a picture of herself with him as his cover photo. She walked 225 calories and is happy with herself but it is obvious that in the 7 months since we separated, she has gained 50-100 pounds.

She has had 0 communication with me and blames me for her assault on me last July, causing her to move out.

She has gained the weight and looks to be balding at 33! Not sure how she is getting married/engaged but the "new guy" looks to be 45 -- at least 15 years older than her.

This makes 0 sense.
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 02:31:16 PM »

She was earning barely above minimum wage and this guy looks to be at least 10-20 years her senior. I think she likes his money and he must be spending it all on her. Kind of sad to see a guy come in on the rebound and try and marry a married woman less than two months after they started dating... That seems quite desperate. I've read once the excitement-whirlwind of getting married wears off, they all run because they love the chaos and cannot tolerate stability.

It is not looking like a bond out of love but made out of desperation from what I can see. She always told me she wanted a marriage that her parents AND relatives approved it. I never understood why you have to get a marriage approved by EVERYONE. Who cares what other people think?

In the latest photo, she doesn't look happy at all. That photo was put online two weeks ago.

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purekalm
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 02:59:40 PM »

rosesarered777,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My ex husband (still married but he left) posted an 'in a relationship' status on his fb merely days after asking me for a divorce and unfriending me. It's hard, I know. 

Quote from: rosesarered777
This makes 0 sense.

It hardly ever makes sense. The only way to even try to understand is to look at it from their point of view, which is not logical except to them. She has moved on to the next person or 'thing' that she believes will complete her or make her happy.

She obviously can't get married legally without ending the marriage with you. Do you want to end the marriage? Is it possible the new guy doesn't know she is married currently? I think, regardless of what she is doing, you have to decide what it is you want from your future, from her and what you are willing to go through through to get to that? I stayed until he left me and replaced me because I loved him and wanted to make it work, but I knew it wasn't going to and refused to accept it. This is your journey, where do you want to go?

In regards to her weight gain, my own ex has gained a lot of weight since he's left me. Partly out of guilt and partly because he could be lazy where he ended up staying. He too says he is working out and doesn't look it based on his appearance in the video conversation he had with my son. It's their personality that wins people over more than their beauty or handsomeness. There are all types of men and women and some are big without actually being unhealthy. Not everyone ascribes to the gorgeous all around types, even though I've noticed most men and women here do fall for that type. Remember that without amazing genetics or surgery, beauty only lasts so long on the outside. True beauty really does come from within and it isn't what fat people say, because you know what? Those same fat people can lose weight and be just as gorgeous as the thin or fit people that mocked them, but what about the nasty attitudes of the ones who find pleasure in hurting others?

The devaluing happened to me as well. About the same time. He used to be a gentleman and open my car door, was nervous about our first kiss, always asking me things to make sure it would be ok and then a switch got flipped and after we had our son another switch flipped and gone was just about any remnant of the man I thought I knew. It's crazy to experience this and I'm sorry you've had to go through it as well. There isn't much of anything we can do though, it's all up to them to get help if they even acknowledge they have an issue, which is rare and may not even last long enough to actually get the help.

Truth is, life is harsh. You can decide what YOU want though. For a lot of reasons I still have trouble with that and am working on doing what I think is best. 

Purekalm
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hopealways
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 04:34:52 PM »

Found out today that she got engaged days before Christmas 2016!

Everyone in her family knows that she is still married to me. No divorce papers have been signed by either of us. She cannot file in Canada until July 2017.

How is she "happy" and "so in love" with this guy when they only met presumably in August-September 2016 and now she wants to marry him while she is still married to me? She and I were dating 'on and off' for 7 years before she demanded marriage and kids! She was so well behaved in the months leading to the marriage... I was surprised... .and scared as hell once she devalued me 2-3 months after moving in together. What is going on?

She has a picture of herself with him as his cover photo. She walked 225 calories and is happy with herself but it is obvious that in the 7 months since we separated, she has gained 50-100 pounds.

She has had 0 communication with me and blames me for her assault on me last July, causing her to move out.

She has gained the weight and looks to be balding at 33! Not sure how she is getting married/engaged but the "new guy" looks to be 45 -- at least 15 years older than her.

This makes 0 sense.
How? She is BPD, it's a serious disorder. Stop trying to make sense of it you cannot. Mine was engaged to two men at the same time!
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bunny4523
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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 05:59:16 PM »

roses are red,

Joke is on her... .he knows she can't actually get married till you guys are divorced but it probably quieted her down to be "engaged".  The guy is stalling... .

Give it time, it will all fall apart in time... .it always does.

Remember her being "happy", doesn't make you any less happy.  Focus on your life and enjoy your life my friend. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Bunny
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 01:50:45 PM »

I would be happy if I was working again -- I left a job I mostly enjoyed here to move there after we married. Now I regret leaving that job because while the pay was crud and hours sometimes crappy, I really enjoyed my co-workers. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I also wouldn't complain if I found someone new but I have never managed to find someone who I liked better here.
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2017, 05:29:39 PM »

Trying to get married to somebody else while she's still married to you is her problem, not yours.

Hint: It won't work, unless she lies and says she never married, or is divorced... .which is pretty easy to check up on... .

And this new guy, if he really does exist, and really is trying to marry her isn't likely to be happy when he realizes she isn't single / isn't divorced yet... .or if he is willing to get engaged to somebody who is still married, is a real piece of work!

I've read the stories of a few members who were involved with a pwBPD who hadn't "finished" getting divorced yet, or more often, hadn't even filed, possibly hadn't even moved out of the house with their spouse(!). Those members were rather distressed, to say the least!



What do you want from her anyways? Do you want to recycle? Or would you prefer to get divorced so you can more easily move on with your life?
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2017, 02:08:56 PM »

And this new guy, if he really does exist, and really is trying to marry her isn't likely to be happy when he realizes she isn't single / isn't divorced yet... .or if he is willing to get engaged to somebody who is still married, is a real piece of work!

I've read the stories of a few members who were involved with a pwBPD who hadn't "finished" getting divorced yet, or more often, hadn't even filed, possibly hadn't even moved out of the house with their spouse(!). Those members were rather distressed, to say the least!



What do you want from her anyways? Do you want to recycle? Or would you prefer to get divorced so you can more easily move on with your life?

Yeah. She told me that she was "very angry with me" in our last conversation. The same kind of irrational rage that she had when she turned around and assaulted me. I find it strange for a person to love-bomb another guy and then put up a picture with text that says "Saved Me" (not exactly what it said but similar in oddness) as their Facebook cover image. It is very weird. I have never seen a girl do something that seems so desperate and contrived.

She tried to serve me documents but because I stood up to her demands, nothing got signed. I do not think she has money to go to court and neither do I.

I was originally expecting her to recycle but seeing how much she has aged in 7-9 months, I doubt I would want her back, no matter how much love-bombing she has done. She is dangerous if she can fabric false allegations like that. I think a divorce would be safest, which is probably what her also irrational parents and relatives are pushing her towards.
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Violettine
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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2017, 02:22:04 PM »

I was originally expecting her to recycle but seeing how much she has aged in 7-9 months, I doubt I would want her back, no matter how much love-bombing she has done.
Poor girl.  I know she's sick and acting awful, but still.
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Circle
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2017, 02:25:05 PM »

I have not read this whole thread.
Yet, isn't get married while still being married to someone else,
against the law?
I think it's called 'bigamy'.
Just a heads up.
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SES
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2017, 02:30:10 PM »

I'm still married, but she lives with her affair partner and had a baby with him.  I find it distasteful to say the least.  She has been delaying our divorce.  I'm sure marriage will happen quickly after our divorce.

Anyway, I used to be angry with her affair partner for having an affair with my wife.  But now I think he should be my best friend for taking her away from me.  I congratulate him, and he is welcome to her.
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2017, 02:44:26 PM »

Poor girl.  I know she's sick and acting awful, but still.

Poor girl? Fabricating evidence and almost throwing me into jail? Drinking alcohol excessively for years and then trying to tell my father that I was drinking a month's worth of alcohol in a week?

I was enmeshed and accepted a lot of crappy behaviour because I thought patience would work. She is absolutely dangerous. I loved her a lot to stay with her for 7 years but she almost got me thrown into jail because of her raging.

When I met her, she was absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't believe someone so beautiful would be single! After years of alcohol abuse, she is seriously overweight and was telling me that she wouldn't walk half a kilometer with me because she had a bus-pass. I tried so hard to improve things but I think this ending might be for the best so I don't get completely destroyed trying to help.
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Violettine
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« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2017, 03:01:38 PM »

I only meant "poor girl" about the looks thing. I know she's terrible.

Poor girl? Fabricating evidence and almost throwing me into jail? Drinking alcohol excessively for years and then trying to tell my father that I was drinking a month's worth of alcohol in a week?

I was enmeshed and accepted a lot of crappy behaviour because I thought patience would work. She is absolutely dangerous. I loved her a lot to stay with her for 7 years but she almost got me thrown into jail because of her raging.

When I met her, she was absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't believe someone so beautiful would be single! After years of alcohol abuse, she is seriously overweight and was telling me that she wouldn't walk half a kilometer with me because she had a bus-pass. I tried so hard to improve things but I think this ending might be for the best so I don't get completely destroyed trying to help.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2017, 12:41:42 AM »

She was earning barely above minimum wage and this guy looks to be at least 10-20 years her senior. I think she likes his money and he must be spending it all on her. Kind of sad to see a guy come in on the rebound and try and marry a married woman less than two months after they started dating... That seems quite desperate. I've read once the excitement-whirlwind of getting married wears off, they all run because they love the chaos and cannot tolerate stability.

Not judging you for making this comment, and I would have certainly felt the same not too long ago.
Very hard not to when you're hurting

I see things differently now I guess;
I just wouldn't be too quick to judge him
- He's probably lacking something, despite whatever wealth he may possess. Desperate is an apt description I think
- she has no doubt idealised him
- when she inevitably discards him, he might end up on here
- or he might end up being one of the suicide cases.

However - You must protect you.

Prepare yourself for future recycling attempts - they almost always occur in this particular disordered pattern.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0
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IamGrey

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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2017, 04:59:07 AM »

Hearing my ex got engaged and has set a date for the wedding has crippled me. This feels worse than I was at square one 6 months ago.

I laughed at first and felt validated, now I'm still full of insane, irrational guilt that I didn't marry her myself as that's all she wanted from me. I hear that I dodged a bullet etc but I'm so miserable without her; a depressed, lonely, very sick recluse who is back to not eating.

I just want her back and I know she never will. How I wish I'd never met her
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Circle
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2017, 02:02:36 PM »

Hey IamGrey, ^
It sounds to me like going and seeing a counselor would be a good idea. Some of them work on sliding scales, if you don't have insurance. And lastly, anti-depressants, even a small dose, helped me through a similar phase. Keep posting and hanging in there! Get some help, it will help you move through this pain and suffering.
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Violettine
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2017, 05:11:13 PM »

I wish I'd never met my male ex-BPD. 

Hearing my ex got engaged and has set a date for the wedding has crippled me. This feels worse than I was at square one 6 months ago.

I laughed at first and felt validated, now I'm still full of insane, irrational guilt that I didn't marry her myself as that's all she wanted from me. I hear that I dodged a bullet etc but I'm so miserable without her; a depressed, lonely, very sick recluse who is back to not eating.

I just want her back and I know she never will. How I wish I'd never met her

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IamGrey

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« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2017, 07:07:32 AM »

Hey IamGrey, ^
It sounds to me like going and seeing a counselor would be a good idea. Some of them work on sliding scales, if you don't have insurance. And lastly, anti-depressants, even a small dose, helped me through a similar phase. Keep posting and hanging in there! Get some help, it will help you move through this pain and suffering.

Hi Circle. Yes I'm having some counselling but am on a waiting list for CBT which I truly need. I'm also on antidepressants but they're not helping and I've tried a few.
My guilt comes from being quite cold/indifferent in the relationship but my T told me that's possibly the reason why we lasted so long. That still doesn't help my shame though.
BPD or not, she was right to end it with me, even if the discard was brutal and humiliating.

In an ideal world I'd like to break NC and give her the emotional support I failed to give her as her fiance, because I was too focused on my own anxiety issues (GAD). I just think it would help me move on because I'm stuck with this shame, but it's not about me anymore.
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Circle
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« Reply #19 on: March 31, 2017, 01:06:27 PM »

IamGrey,
I hear you with the guilt. It's easy to look back and see what we didn't do right. That's human nature, and self-defeating to some degree; when ultimately, we are forced to let go, if we don't choose to in the first place. I can totally see what your therapist means about your indifference extending the relationship length. The whole passion of j.a.d.e.ing and recycling, etc., would be reduced, if the non isn't as engaged. On the same note, I've read/experienced that pwBPD have a habit of seeing other's passionate interest as weakness; causing the pwBPD to disengage.

You are the only one who can decide whether or not to break contact. Of course, it would be helpful to consider what avenues that would lead too. Hang in there. Perhaps starting your own thread on this topic would be helpful? 
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2017, 12:15:46 AM »

Not sure if this helps but I have been focusing on my own happiness more and that is distracting me from my pending divorce. Finally being able to move away from where we lived together really, REALLY sped up the recovery! Having friends+family support physically near me helped a megaton!

This is usually the advice given to the posters here but I personally felt deep wounds, so the advice wasn't as important as my own self-survival and coping from day-to-day. I had a bad trauma bond and the physical distancing allowed me to accept that she was the toxic one, not our interactions but her condition alone.

Trying to find someone new but the quality of available girls in their 30's is really shocking...
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SES
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« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2017, 08:16:23 AM »

Distance and ultra low contact have helped me too.  Some contact is unavoidable as we have kids, but it is very low contact. I won't have a conversation with her.  Last time we spoke in mediation it was lots of threats from her.  The longer we are parted, the clearer I can see that her has the issues.  I'm now glad that she made the ending so bad... .it means that there was never any risk of reconciliation.  There had been plenty of reconciliations in the past.  Like other people on these boards, I have been hurt badly.  But, I owe it to my kids and myself to pick myself up and keep going.  And for a long time, I had to just focus on survival.
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