Things are taking a toll...

[Finn123]

My boyfriend has BPD, it's a new diagnosis for him but we have known that something has been wrong for a while. I'm just wondering how other people cope with their partners who have BPD as I do struggle sometimes. Communication between us is difficult, especially if he's having a particular bad day. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him sometimes but I sometimes don't help when I snap back when he says something unnecessary. But I know he never means anything he says when angry but it is difficult not to argue back sometimes, especially if he makes it personal.

Any advice or similar stories would be helpful. Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Finn123,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us and to try to learn new things that can in a r/s with someone suffering from BPD. The basic tools and lessons can also be applied in other r/s's in life and are not necessarily solely for romantic r/s.

I completely understand how that feels when there's conflict in a r/s. You'll probably hear this, a pwBPD, know a lot about us, the idealization can feel intense and we can share a lot about us. A pwBPD know how to push our buttons and will push them all at once. Nobody's perfect.

A tool that i'd like to share with you is called JADE and it's a simple concept and basically it's something that we set on ourselves, don't JADE. JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

If my exuBPDw really believes that the sky is red, I used to try to convince her otherwise and it was draining because you don't like you're getting ahead in the r/s. There's a quote that I like that's from someone else's signature here, it might be a little off but it goes like this "Reality is open to debate. Emotions and feelings are real".

Reality is open to debate is so true. How one person perceives something can be completely different then how someone else interprets it. There's a lot of distorted thinking with BPD and not just BPD but short and long term mental illness.

I understand that he's making it personal for you but disorted thinking, low self esteem, dissociations are not personal to us, it's something that the pwBPD are going through. I'm not saying that you can't feel the way you do about in fact, turn to people that can validate those feelings, a T, a non judgemental friend or family member or turn to us, because we get it.

Anyways, I used to JADE but I stopped doing it, for me it took time and practice, it was a goal that I created, I kept telling myself that it's not personal and JADE'ing makes us both feel worse, it would delay the time that it took my exuBPDw to return to her baseline and I just carried around awful feelings, I depressed and hopeless. Well there is hope.

‎Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) ‎.