Introducing myself

[Shane87]

Hello.

After nearly two decades of believing that my wife suffered from clinical depression, I learned from our psychiatrist that she in fact actually suffers from BPD.  The psychiatrist is providing me with much needed understanding and guidance.  After floundering for so long without understanding the perpetual chaos and accusations, it's like finally getting my head above water again.

It is a struggle.  I'm trying to comprehend my sweetheart's disorder, working to rebuild myself from what little is left, and striving to restore a healthy balance to my marriage both for the marriage itself and for well-being of our children.  All at the same time.

When I began holding my ground in the face of the attacks, my wife sought out our local church leader and his wife.  She spent months telling them that she was afraid of me, describing me as a raging tyrant in my home.  It was only with the support of the psychiatrist, my dad, and another church leader that I have been able to diffuse much of the situation.  Since then, it has been a process of disarming/diffusing the various emotional and psychological attacks used to control me for so many years... .while constantly watching for the new snares set for me.

As a result our marriage is the happiest it's been since our honeymoon. Ironically, instead of relaxing in the newfound stability and peace, my sweetheart is unsettled.  She searches for new bully sticks since the old ones aren't as effective anymore.

This is my dilemma: I'm striving with all my heart to strengthen my marriage and family, yet this disorder afflicting my sweetheart perpetually seeks to undermine what is most dear.  The psychiatrist tried helping her, but she is unable/unwilling to tolerate the idea that she is anything besides a victim of those around her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

All changes scare people with BPD, they need 10 times longer to get used to them, you need unlimited patience, and your waiting is full of challenges. Be glad for the good things, and keep learning to reach a place where she will know you are not the enemy. Most people here would give their life for someone, and that someone treats us as an enemy a lot of times. Knowing helps but it doesn't magically changes everything, you need to keep working everyday and learn to count your blessings.

I understand the need to believe and protect the victims, I work with them, and so many times they are not believed and not protected, and end up suffering abuse from the system on top of domestic abuse. I think doctors, judges etc. must err on the side of victims. Maybe some will get undeserved punishment, but victims may lose their life. A lot of people with BPD they developed it as a result from trauma, and abuse, and their life is broken for the rest of it, and it spreads suffering to those around them, partners, kids... .others end up killed (by the abuser, sickness or themselves), or with other crippling disorders. So even if in our own case we know it's unfair to be blamed, we still have to support society being on the side of the weak. That's where I stand, at least.

Perception is reality for her, and feelings have as much weight as logic or proof, so if she feels abused, you have to understand she was (in her reality), you can't change that. You can work from there, but you can't change what she already felt as true. It sucks. I end up waiting for forgiveness for plenty of things I didn't do, and it turns me crazy to think she would be a lot happier if she knew I didn't do plenty of things she thinks I did or thought.

Now that you know, you'll get better at it. It is possible to have things get better. Don't panic.

[Shane87]

Some more background:

My wife told me during our dating and engagement that she suffered from clinical depression and was on meds for it.  I never saw a depressive manifestation the entire time, so I assumed the medication was doing its job.  Then, the week after we returned from our honeymoon, the chaos began.  I came home from college one day to find my sweetheart curled up in fetal position screaming incoherently for an hour or more.  This became a trend of chaos.  I never knew when the episodes would happen, and I found myself constantly walking on eggshells trying to do everything I could to prevent them... .to no avail.

She went off her meds when we tried for our first child, and shortly thereafter declared herself cured.  The episodes changed from screaming and wailing incoherently -to- sobbing for hours while telling me that I was responsible for everything wrong in the world whether real or imagined.  This became the new norm, occurring about 3 times a week.

The constant theme: "I'm afraid of you!" & "I'm afraid that you're going to leave me!"
When I'd ask why she was afraid, whether I'd ever threatened her, or whether I'd ever hinted at leaving her, she would immediately switch to the nebulous, "we need to work on our communication!"

I've since learned that she absolutely doesn't have clinical depression, and most likely never did.

We've tried marriage counseling, three times now.  The first time was about 3 years into our marriage.  The counselor disregarded my concerns outright while considering everything my wife said as good as law.  I jumped through every hoop they requested of me, but on every return visit my wife would insist that I wasn't making any improvement.  Finally, after 6 months, the counselor threw his hands up and said that we might as well divorce.

The second counselor was over 17 years into our marriage.  It began more hopefully, but over time I found the counselor being browbeaten into the dynamic that we had with the first MC.  After about 5 months, I realized that it was fruitless.  Our psychiatrist was involved by this point in time, and confirmed that the marriage counselor was in over his head.

The third counselor was meant to be an individual counselor, but my wife worked her way into the appointments.  The counselor at first thought it was wonderful and encouraged it, but later realized what he was dealing with and acknowledged to me that despite 30 years experience, he was unqualified to handle my wife's disorder.  We're back to individual counseling again.  My wife has remained with the second counselor since he's been sufficiently subdued to her will.  Any time he suggests looking inward, she amps-up the victimhood display and he falls back in line.

Then there's the local church leader.  We get invited to hear some counseling from him and I suddenly find myself the target of an intervention ambush, being accused of abusive type behavior.  :)idn't matter how forthcoming I was, everything I said was disregarded outright.  I later found that she'd worked on recruiting him and his wife for most of a year before setting him loose on me as her enforcer.  A very religious man who was taught since my youth to respect priesthood authority figures, it was extremely difficult for me to have to tell him that he was completely mistaken and needed to speak with the involved medical professional first before trying to counsel us.

Fortunately, since mid January the psychiatrist has been providing me with direction on how to productively interact with my wife.  I've found almost everything he counseled being repeated at BPDcentral, which led me to here.  

[Shane87]

Thank you, JoeBPD81.

You're right.  She's responding to her perceptions, and it isn't her fault that something has skewed them so severely. 

It's just painful when I express a dislike of a song on the radio, and my minor, momentary discontent is perceived as if I were on the verge of a blind rage.

I know that I need to be patient.  I pray that I have enough patience to endure.

[johndude49]

Hi Shane87

I replied to one of your other posts but I found these as well and wanted to empathize with a few more things you have here.

1) Trying to get through your issues in the context of a church environment where things are often "cut and dried" and if the wife is having trouble it's usually the husband's fault for not helping her to become a "fruitful vine" (Psalm 128).  I am a devout Christian (at least I am trying to be one) and I desire to have the kind of family that is described in Psalm 128.  I also want to fulfill my vow of "till death do us part" but know that it is going to be extremely difficult.  As I said in my earlier post we have made it 26 years and there have been some good "seasons" of peace and happiness but the struggles and fights have continued until this day despite the fact that through a marriage class at our church we seemed to be doing much better these past few months.

2) Multiple counselor failures.  These have almost always ended with my wife saying "they always side with you and I'm always the bad guy".  They just don't know all the hell you and your family put me through.  She blames all her rages, problems, etc. on others.  We have also been in full time ministry for our whole marriage and we have gone to some intense "restoration" programs for help. In each of these they have recommended my wife seek more help and each time she refuses  (to my great sadness and discontent) or if she does, it only lasts a few sessions and then the counselor tries to affect some change in her and she resists and feels the that they don't understand her, have their own issues, are being mean to her, etc.  I have continued with individual counseling for my own sanity and I would highly recommend the you do the same.  I have even taken depression medication because I was really having a hard time being in a relationship with her.  That helps some as well.  I also have a couple of prayer partners who can listen to my pain and pray for me.

Okay, that's it for now. 

[Shane87]

johndude49,

I recognize what you're talking about regarding the church environment.  There is often a general assumption that the husband is responsible for any marriage challenges.  That assumption was overwhelmingly the case with our local church leader.  I was earnestly truthful with him, hoping that he would recognize my sincerity.  Unfortunately he was unable to even consider the possibility that a woman/wife could have any responsibility for marital challenges.

It's tough, because he's a good-hearted man yet he's destroyed my faith in his ability to help.

Regarding counselors, the psychiatrist has indicated that marriage counseling will tend to be fruitless due to the pwBPD's inability accept personal accountability.  They usually need individual counseling from a specialized therapist, first.