Confused on the latest crazy

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anyone ever just super confused? My husband was just talking to his BPD mom about pre wedding junk. The drama. She had sent a letter last May trying to smooth things over. She must have been really fearful of abandonment at the time. She wrote she "should never have directed the comments to me" about my family. She says stuff that was really rude straight to me- things like about all the decisions *I* was making she was assuming we're from my dad out to get her.  She said a lot of mean and hurtful things and accused my dad of a bunch of stuff like trying to swindle her. She says the worlds sorry somewhere after that but it's such a weird way that it seemed like she was doing everything to refrain from taking responsibility. That's what everyone and their mother (ha ha pun intended) thought when they heard or saw the letter. It was step one of a thousand drama steps. My husband says she just talked to him and explained that we took her letter out of context. It was a specific context that she had written the letter that way because of some issue she had with HER husband saying something bad about her own father so she actually knew how this particular hurt felt. Mind you this is May 2016 I'm talking about! My mind is so twisted right now. My husband says (I overheard a little and it's true) that she said I had every reason to feel hurt over what she said about my family. What? My husband asked her why she didn't just SAY all that clearly in May. She insists that he and his sister owe her an apology for speaking falsehoods since about her having not apologized. Does any of this make sense?


About an hour later then she texts my husband to tell him that she's not his scapegoat and he didn't bother reading the rest because he knew it was negative and he didn't want to give her negative attention.

[TDeer]

Anyone ever just super confused? My husband was just talking to his BPD mom about pre wedding junk. The drama. She had sent a letter last May trying to smooth things over. She must have been really fearful of abandonment at the time. She wrote she "should never have directed the comments to me" about my family. She says stuff that was really rude straight to me- things like about all the decisions *I* was making she was assuming we're from my dad out to get her.  She said a lot of mean and hurtful things and accused my dad of a bunch of stuff like trying to swindle her. She says the worlds sorry somewhere after that but it's such a weird way that it seemed like she was doing everything to refrain from taking responsibility. That's what everyone and their mother (ha ha pun intended) thought when they heard or saw the letter. It was step one of a thousand drama steps. My husband says she just talked to him and explained that we took her letter out of context. It was a specific context that she had written the letter that way because of some issue she had with HER husband saying something bad about her own father so she actually knew how this particular hurt felt. Mind you this is May 2016 I'm talking about! My mind is so twisted right now. My husband says (I overheard a little and it's true) that she said I had every reason to feel hurt over what she said about my family. What? My husband asked her why she didn't just SAY all that clearly in May. She insists that he and his sister owe her an apology for speaking falsehoods since about her having not apologized. Does any of this make sense?


About an hour later then she texts my husband to tell him that she's not his scapegoat and he didn't bother reading the rest because he knew it was negative and he didn't want to give her negative attention.

[Notwendy]

Of course you are confused by this--- it is crazy!

PwBPD deal with their own bad feelings in some way. It seems the feelings need a reason- ( besides the reason being it is their feelings). I think they experience these feelings as being caused by something outside of them- mostly another person- and that cause can be in the past or present. Feelings feel like facts to them, so they seem real- to them. But their "logic" can seem crazy to us.

Your H knows how to interpret your mother, but you don't- so it seems more crazy to you than to him. My mother says these things too- but like your H, it is kind of like speaking a second language.

My take on this is that this is some kind of attempt to repair the relationship with you. But she can not truly apologize- that would be taking accountability, so she shifts the blame to someone else- your father, your sister. The drama triangle can be like musical chairs. If she moves you out of persecutor position, someone else is in that place.

My mother doesn't apologize, but the closest thing she can do is offer some explanation that shifts the blame on to someone else. It's strange, but I know that this is the best she can do. If you keep wanting your MIL to be accountable for her behavior, this may not be an expectation of her that is realistic.

Your boundaries are about you, not her. I can't stop my mother from snooping in my house. The boundary has to be that I lock up confidential papers. I can't stop her from getting angry at me, the boundary has to be that I know to change the subject, stop the conversation or just let her vent without taking it personally.

Your MIL is likely to say/do many things that seem crazy to you. I understand that you are trying to understand this, but also if you try to make sense out of crazy- it will feel crazy- because crazy doesn't make sense.

My mother has said all kinds of things about me, and other people. I don't know how she comes up with some of this stuff.

But your H knows the unspoken rules in his family. I do in mine, and my H does in his. While his family is more functional than mine, they have some of their own quirks. They tend to not be direct, but imply things, and are passive aggressive when someone is angry. With my mom, there isn't any guessing about this- we know when she isn't happy. But in my H's family, they have a way of signaling their expectations while not letting on to them. I can't read them but my H can. It aggravates me sometimes to be around this- as it isn't familiar to me. Welcome to marriage when two families with different ways of relating come together. Trying to make sense of it all may just be frustrating. Your MIL is who she is.

[TDeer]

I see what you mean, finally! She's been texting my husband a LOT today. Whereas I just had to block her when the drama unfolded. This way she's not bugging me more than what my husband generally reports in a nutshell of what she's up to.