For men: How do you deal with threats?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Been married over 13 yrs to my BPD wife.  Verbal then turned to physical, physical stopped a few years ago, verbal and emotional abuse is there.  She is verbally abusive to our 9 year old daughter.

She threatens me with violence and is verbally abusive towards me in front of our daughter.  When I tell her that I am about the call the police, she tells me to go ahead and that she will harm herself and tell the cops I did it.  She threatens to make outlandish accusations towards me.  Last night I wanted to take our daughter and leave, she was having what I call an 'episode' and it was fueled worse by her drinking.

Tried 3 counselors and a psychologist.  All wanted to see my wife for long term therapy, she wants no part of it.  Her childhood is filled with physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse.

My daughter is full of anxiety and goes from being very upset at her mom to pleading with her to show her love.  It's awful.  I feel I'm so stuck.  I cannot be in this marriage anymore but I know my wife would do everything possible to try to destroy my life.  I'm afraid to leave my daughter alone with her and would worry that an episode is happening and my daughter is defenseless.

I don't know what to do... Perhaps I should have called the police in the past when she was violent towards me, she actually uses that against me saying 'There is no police record on me' and she says she will 'win', as she calls it.

My parents know and her mom knows.  Her mom allowed a lot of the abuse when she was a child and all she tells me is that she will continue to 'pray for me'.  My parents are understanding but I know it's my own issue.  I don't talk about it to others.

I need some advice, she can become very scary when these episodes happen.  For you guys out there, what experiences have you had?  What were your experiences when you did call the police?  What about your children, were you able to get custody of them?  

[Silveron]

Been married over 13 yrs to my BPD wife.  Verbal then turned to physical, physical stopped a few years ago, verbal and emotional abuse is there.  She is verbally abusive to our 9 year old daughter.

She threatens me with violence and is verbally abusive towards me in front of our daughter.  When I tell her that I am about the call the police, she tells me to go ahead and that she will harm herself and tell the cops I did it.  She threatens to make outlandish accusations towards me.  Last night I wanted to take our daughter and leave, she was having what I call an 'episode' and it was fueled worse by her drinking.

Tried 3 counselors and a psychologist.  All wanted to see my wife for long term therapy, she wants no part of it.  Her childhood is filled with physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse.

My daughter is full of anxiety and goes from being very upset at her mom to pleading with her to show her love.  It's awful.  I feel I'm so stuck.  I cannot be in this marriage anymore but I know my wife would do everything possible to try to destroy my life.  I'm afraid to leave my daughter alone with her and would worry that an episode is happening and my daughter is defenseless.

I don't know what to do... Perhaps I should have called the police in the past when she was violent towards me, she actually uses that against me saying 'There is no police record on me' and she says she will 'win', as she calls it.

My parents know and her mom knows.  Her mom allowed a lot of the abuse when she was a child and all she tells me is that she will continue to 'pray for me'.  My parents are understanding but I know it's my own issue.  I don't talk about it to others.

I need some advice, she can become very scary when these episodes happen.  For you guys out there, what experiences have you had?  What were your experiences when you did call the police?  What about your children, were you able to get custody of them?  

[flourdust]

Some quick tips -- this isn't a comprehensive strategy, but a few techniques.

Get a small voice-activated recorder that you can carry on your person. These coe in the shape of flash drives and easily fit in a pocket. It will record conversations with her, including threats.

Visit the police to discuss your situation and get their recommendations. This will put your domestic situation on their radar, and you'll get an understanding if they are likely to be supportive if you need to call.

You can call 911 if there's a violent domestic situation. The police will show up to de-escalate. This may have the effect of causing your wife to modulate her behavior, but it's also likely that she'll blame you for calling the police and hold it against you. However, this can be a worthwhile tradeoff if it causes her to dial things down.

The police have a limited set of tools to de-escalate. They can try to talk to both of you to get you to knock it off. They can recommend one of you leave. They can take one of you into custody, though they may not be willing to do this unless the situation is clearly dangerous. Don't just call with the expectation that they will fix it - figure out what you want to happen and be prepared for it. For example, have a bag packed and be ready to agree to leave for the night.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Silveron, Having been formerly married to my BPDxW for 16 years, I was once in your shoes and can relate to the drama and turmoil you describe.  There's no easy solution to your situation, I'm afraid.  Like you, I couldn't get my Ex to see a therapist with or without me for more than a few visits. 

The techniques I found most useful were boundaries and disengagement.  I refused to participate in arguments w/my Ex.  I would leave the room or leave the house as necessary.  I kept an overnight bag in the trunk of my car for nights when she had what you describe as an "episode."  I did what I had to do to protect myself.  I agree w/flourdust that calling 911 is an option, though I declined to do it because I thought it would be upsetting to our kids. 

Reaching out to family and friends was an essential part of my coping strategy so keep up your contacts with the outside world.  It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s and, in my view, you need to talk about your issues in order to keep things in perspective.  Posting here is extremely helpful, too!  Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  Threats are basically a form of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is the three-pronged pitchfork that those w/BPD use to manipulate a Non.  My suggestion: don't fall for it.  I called my Ex's bluff when she attempted to coerce me.  LJ

[Silveron]

I really appreciate all of the advice.  If I leave, then I leave my daughter behind?  That's the scary part.  The police station is like two blocks from me, when an episode starts, I think the best option would be to go to the PD with my daughter.

Jim, when you divorced did she give you a hard time?  She will say she wants a divorce but then when I bring it up she will threaten suicide.  The last psychologist told me that if I were to leave it's guaranteed that she would kill herself.  I know I can't put that on my shoulders but she's already said this stuff in front of our daughter.

I used to be able to just tell her 'I am not talking to you right now, I will when you calm down' and that would help a lot.  Now it just seems like it infuriates her more.

Thanks for the idea of the var.  I think my phone should have some sort of app that would work like that too, I'll look for one today.  I just wish in situations like this, we could get them into a mental facility at least for a few days. 

As for boundaries what boundaries do you make?  What consequences do they face if/when they cross those boundaries?

[flourdust]

The last psychologist told me that if I were to leave it's guaranteed that she would kill herself. 

Really? This doesn't sound like a professional comment. How did this psychologist claim to know this?

[Lucky Jim]

You can read up on Boundaries under the Tools Button, above.

Here are a few examples:

You: I will not tolerate verbal abuse and am leaving the room.

You: I will not put up with abusive behavior and am going out for a walk.

You: I feel unsafe around you and am leaving for the night/going to the Police Station.

Boundaries are harmless to the pwBPD; instead, they are meant to protect you.

LuckyJim

[Silveron]

Had another episode last night... She again threatened to put bruises on herself and call the cops saying I did it.  I ordered a voice activated recorder, looks like a USB drive and got real positive reviews.  My daughter is 9 years old, do I sit her down and have a talk with her about this?  I don't want to put her in the middle but often this happens when she is there.  Her mom is hot/cold with her and gives our daughter a huge amount of anxiety.

Last night when this happened, my daughter was at dance class.  I left and picked her up.  All I told her was that mom wasn't acting right and that I am not going to talk to her but that I want you to have a good night with her.  I don't want her feeling guilty of wanting to spend time with her mom.

Well within' about 10 minutes of us getting home, my wife starting say to our daughter 'Oh, dad was trying to start a fight with me again'.  Our daughter said 'Mom, stop.  You do this every night.  You are a drama queen'.

What set my wife off?  She went with her dad Sunday, was suppose to be home at a certain time and turned up 3 hours later.  I calmly asked what took you so long?  She got defensive and gave me a lie.  I know the truth, which is part of the time she was with him, they went to her ex bf's place.  Mind you, her and me have been married almost 14 years.  Our first year of marriage was of her sneaking and spending time with him, while her psychotic father was trying to get them two back together.

She still doesn't know that I know the truth.  If I were to tell her that, she would shift the situation to me looking at her phone (which I paid for) and then probably more threats involving the police.  Any advice on this?  If I talk to the police about the threats, would they come and talk to her?  I really don't want that to happen, especially in front of my daughter.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Silveron, I'm sorry to hear that conflicts continue.  I suggest you start keeping a record.  Could be a Notebook where you jot down a few important facts: on such and such a date, W threatened to bruise herself and call the Cops on me, saying that I did it, etc.  Voice recorder could be used to confirm what you have written.

I understand your reluctance about having the Police arrive with your daughter there.  I felt the same hesitation about calling 911 on my W when our kids were in the house.  I suggest you seek professional guidance about what to say to your daughter.  Kids pick up a lot, needless to say, but as you note, you don't want to put her in the middle of things.

Don't forget about taking care of yourself!  What are you doing to alleviate the stress?  Suggest you take steps to make sure you recharge your batteries.

LuckyJim

[Silveron]

I talked to a PD officer friend of mine.  He said if I used a VAR even inside my own house, I could be charge with wiretapping.  However he said it's better to still do that then get a false charge of assault.  He suggested I talk to the chief of police in my town.  Basically, I'm screwed.  Even if she physically attacks me, she would hurt herself and blame it on me.

I started a journal as well.