alone and confused

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My third marriage is failing; my D15 is bearing most of the pain.  My kids mom suffers from BPD, the kids and I broke from that in 2010.  I have full custody.  In 2011, I began dating a woman from work that I have known for a long time.  We married 3 years ago, sold our houses, moved in together.  S12 has pre-BPD tendencies, very volatile, and has been at an RTC for 4 years.  D15 has major trust issues, since her mom never put her first, always struggled to get away, finally got away.

The first two years of this marriage were nice, we had some bumps, worked with therapists to try and get past them.  Our dynamic has changed over time.  My wife, the step-mom, is resentful, hostile, and emotionally abusive towards D15, often when triggered by unloving teen behavior.  My parenting style is a bit permissive, and I often choose to be understanding where my wife tries to set very firm limits.  The problem is resentment that my wife carries, in a silent treatment since August, refusing to engage at all, but erupting every so often trying to control me and my daughter.  Wife accuses me of being weak, argues D15 is mentally ill, and trying to force us apart.  Well, after years of this, D15 is very angry and does want out. 

I was forever hopeful, trying different therapists, mostly for each of us separately, hoping we could learn to parent together and provide a loving environment.  D15 is showing depressive symptoms, has all year, and that causes more reactivity from my wife.  So, it's a mess.  I feel guilty for taking the kids away from a mom with BPD and moving my daughter in with an emotionally abusive step mother. 

The last arugument was over D15 breaking a home rule (sneaking her phone upstairs before her work was done) and lying about it.  Turned into shouting, insults, shoving, and throwing me and D15 out of the house, threatening to call the police, etc.  We spent two nights in a hotel to escape all the threats and negativity, the first night trying to find a place at 11:00 pm with school early the next morning.  D15 is now terrified and emotionally spent (so am I).  So, it is her spring break, I arranged for D15 to sleep over at a friend's this week, I rented an apartment, and we will move at the end of next week. 

Having failed so badly at previous marriages, and not wanting to air dirty laundry in front of family, I have nobody to talk to about this until a session with my therapist this Wednesday.  Am I over-reacting due to things from my past?  Is it time to cut and run?  I signed the lease, bought boxes at U-haul, and am moving forward.  Usually, I'm trying to placate my wife so that she doesn't blow up and throw me out again.  Anyhow, I did it again with bad relationships, didn't I?

[ProfDaddy]

My third marriage is failing; my D15 is bearing most of the pain.  My kids mom suffers from BPD, the kids and I broke from that in 2010.  I have full custody.  In 2011, I began dating a woman from work that I have known for a long time.  We married 3 years ago, sold our houses, moved in together.  S12 has pre-BPD tendencies, very volatile, and has been at an RTC for 4 years.  D15 has major trust issues, since her mom never put her first, always struggled to get away, finally got away.

The first two years of this marriage were nice, we had some bumps, worked with therapists to try and get past them.  Our dynamic has changed over time.  My wife, the step-mom, is resentful, hostile, and emotionally abusive towards D15, often when triggered by unloving teen behavior.  My parenting style is a bit permissive, and I often choose to be understanding where my wife tries to set very firm limits.  The problem is resentment that my wife carries, in a silent treatment since August, refusing to engage at all, but erupting every so often trying to control me and my daughter.  Wife accuses me of being weak, argues D15 is mentally ill, and trying to force us apart.  Well, after years of this, D15 is very angry and does want out. 

I was forever hopeful, trying different therapists, mostly for each of us separately, hoping we could learn to parent together and provide a loving environment.  D15 is showing depressive symptoms, has all year, and that causes more reactivity from my wife.  So, it's a mess.  I feel guilty for taking the kids away from a mom with BPD and moving my daughter in with an emotionally abusive step mother. 

The last arugument was over D15 breaking a home rule (sneaking her phone upstairs before her work was done) and lying about it.  Turned into shouting, insults, shoving, and throwing me and D15 out of the house, threatening to call the police, etc.  We spent two nights in a hotel to escape all the threats and negativity, the first night trying to find a place at 11:00 pm with school early the next morning.  D15 is now terrified and emotionally spent (so am I).  So, it is her spring break, I arranged for D15 to sleep over at a friend's this week, I rented an apartment, and we will move at the end of next week. 

Having failed so badly at previous marriages, and not wanting to air dirty laundry in front of family, I have nobody to talk to about this until a session with my therapist this Wednesday.  Am I over-reacting due to things from my past?  Is it time to cut and run?  I signed the lease, bought boxes at U-haul, and am moving forward.  Usually, I'm trying to placate my wife so that she doesn't blow up and throw me out again.  Anyhow, I did it again with bad relationships, didn't I?

[Larmoyant]

Hi ProfDaddy, it doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting. I think you’ve made a wise decision moving. It will allow you space and time to reflect away from all the pressure. It doesn’t have to be forever if you can work things out. You obviously love your daughter and she needs you right now. This will give her much needed space too. It’s good that you’re seeing a therapist. I found it invaluable to help me work through the emotions, clear my head and make sound decisions.
 
As for repeat bad relationships I recently read an article about a psych phenomenon called ‘repetition compulsion’ where we can re-enact an event, put ourselves in situations where it is likely to happen again. I’ve been able to link my BPD relationship to events and issues in my childhood which I’m likely to repeat if I don’t address them. I definitely do not want to have a repeat relationship with someone with BPD again. Too painful. Something you could bring up with your therapist maybe?

Keep reading and posting. You may be confused right now, but you're not alone.