Where do I start

[Butterfly66]

My partner of 27 years. Has the BPD traits. He never been official diagnosed my a doctor. However a therapist did go over the signs. It's been about 2 yrs now and now he uses it as an excuse to act badly. I've tried validating him, I've gone to a therapist, he won't go he refuses. He seems to trigger more and more. He at times won't eat blames me for it.   Iam blamed for his condition I'm told I've made him this way. I see the relationship is destroyed and he tells me to leave however when I say I'm going to he freaks out.  Last night he said such horriable things that he's cheated on me , wishes I would just die.  He wants to die.  I the only one that works . He stays home cause he can't be around people. When he does interact with people and it goes badly he blames me.  I need help. It's destroying me  ,I love life and I still have more to live. However I'm just existing right now

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Butterfly66, 



I'm glad that you decided to join us. I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now. A pwBPD can't control the disorder but that still doesn't mean that the behaviors are justified, a person with mental illness have an obligation to do self work to get better. Do you have kids? What prompted you to see a T? Was there someone specific that happened at home?

[acknowledgement]

We are here for support. We have been through this pain. What helped me was to keep a journal outlining all of the fights, irrational behaviors, blaming, silencing, etc and all of the emotional abuse. I realized I cannot change the BPD but I can change myself, my expectations, my boundaries and how I react to their irrationality. Going No contact was the best gift I gave to myself and my family, after being emotionally abused for over 20 years, silenced, stonewalled, degraded, put down, blamed and recycled several times. Life without a BPD is a breath of fresh air, able to have peace again, and move on to healthy relationships where NONE of this abuse exists... .disagreements are handled with a healthy partner in a constructive manner with compromise and respect. It is what you deserve too! Keep the journal and keep reading over what they continue to do to you... .then simply ask is this what I want the rest of my days... .for a BPD is almost certain to continue their abusive pattern... .it is a lightbulb moment when you decide you will no longer be treated the way the journal has echoed back to you... .

[gotbushels]

Hi Butterfly66 

I join the others in welcoming you here. 

I support you.

He never been official diagnosed my a doctor. However a therapist did go over the signs. It's been about 2 yrs now and now he uses it as an excuse to act badly. I've tried validating him, I've gone to a therapist, he won't go he refuses. He seems to trigger more and more. ... .

Know that this experience of yours is special but not unique. There's heaps of us here who've gone through this therapy-no-therapy thing. It's really, really hard. One of the "discussions" with my ex regarding this involved her looking at suicidal acts and significant self-harm.

It's tough. I know it's a bit odd, but I think there's hope for you here. Now that you're aware that he may have some BPD, it gives you a direction to look. Before I found out about BPD, it was all using my own experience, and many shots in the dark. Of course, my experience was no match for my ex's BPD traits, so this corroded my confidence in my ability to handle her. Then, I can only imagine what 27 years with this person was like.


  acknowledgement touched on some things that I think are really helpful--I want to support those too.

A journal-type workbook to outline all the things helped me in a huge way.

... .then simply ask is this what I want the rest of my days... .for a BPD is almost certain to continue their abusive pattern... .it is a lightbulb moment when you decide you will no longer be treated the way the journal has echoed back to you... .

Right now, I think this is very important information for all of us here still going through things with our partners.

It's destroying me  ,I love life and I still have more to live. However I'm just existing right now

I relate very closely to this.

I need help.

This sentence here is a gift that we have that many people with BPD do not. It's recognising we have the guts to see we've got a situation--and to do constructive something about it. To do something about it because we're coming from a position of strength.