I really don't need my BPD MIL to like me or approve of me. You don't either

[TDeer]

It was suggested to me that I felt like I needed my BPD MILs approval recently. I thought that was silly because I was existing just fine without it and I knew I wasn't going to get it.

Well, a conversation with my normal mother made it clear to me that I really do kind of still feel sometimes that it would be nice to be able to patch things up with my BPD MIL. My mother just doesn't understand really and was asking me if my MIL just had been going through menopause or something and was that why she was so nasty. The answer is no and that this BPD behavior has been going on for years and years. Since she's a "higher functioning invisible BPD" it's likely that others just don't see it the way I didn't see it until it all hit the fan.

I used to have my BPD MILs idealization and that's why sometimes I still feel like maybe there's something that could be done. My mother had wondered and thought maybe BPD MIL was just plain mean, and how is BPD MIL going to feel if she hears us saying that she has a mental illness? Well, I told my mom that we're never going to tell her she has a mental illness because BPD MILs daughter told her already. She knows she has a problem and us telling her is only going to cause more drama. We just set boundaries and don't let her run our lives.


That said, it's in and after these conversations with my own mother that I realized that I want to be able to get along with my BPD MIL and not have her hate me. That's normal, right? I asked my husband finally: do you care if your mother ever approves? He said no, because she's never approved of him during his entire life anyway, so why should he think she's going to now? He did admit that it would be nice, but he knows she's mentally ill, so it doesn't matter so much.

He also said that he knew I tried everything and there's really nothing else I could try.

So... .he's fine with it if his mother never gets over the fact that her son got married.

I should be too. It was a good time to get the validation from my husband that I needed. It was also good that I finally saw, through talking to my own mother, that in a "normal enough" world, I would likely be able to be on the same team as my MIL.

But not in the BPD world, where it's a different dimension existing within our world. Now I understand what my husband used to say about being able to travel within two worlds: the BPD world and the normal world.

It's one thing to realize your loved one has BPD. It's another thing entirely to realize that others outside of that bubble likely have no reason to think that the person with BPD is mentally ill. All of us outside that bubble just think that "Why can't they all just get along" or something.

But the BPD person loves drama because they're trying to get something inside of them validated.

Thank you for helping me along my journey.


I don't need to have my BPD MILs approval. It's likely never to happen or to just be fake if it does. My husband and I will still have a good marriage and will still fight sometimes as couples do and will still be able to love each other. Her lack of approval doesn't own anything.



You don't need your in-law's approval either. You don't need the approval of someone with BPD to have a relationship with them and also with a significant other.

[Notwendy]

When two families are joined by marriage, we don't need the other family members' approval, but I think it is OK to want the new family to like us and approve of the situation. When my children choose a spouse- I hope they like me, and I hope I like them. While I don't expect to be a major focus of their lives, I do hope to be included in holidays and have a relationship with any future grandkids. As a new bride, I hoped that my in laws would like me and include me too.

We don't need this, but I think it is OK to want it.  This doesn't mean we will get it. And that can be disappointing.

I grew up with disordered parents who made their approval of me contingent on being compliant with my BPD mother's wishes. Of course I wanted this, but to get this, I had to be compliant and co-dependent, and have no boundaries with my mother. This was unacceptable to me. In non disordered circumstances- I would not have been in the situation to make this choice, but I was.

Radical acceptance involves accepting that people are who they are, not who we wish them to be. That can be disappointing, but we have to relate to them as they are.

I didn't need my in laws' approval to have a good marriage, nor did I need my parents' approval to be a happy person. However, I did want it- and that is OK too- because that is who I am. Fortunately, I can get along with my MIL- she isn't the warmest person to me or anyone, but she is a good person and not disordered. My mother is a different person altogether. She will never love me the way I wanted to be loved by a mother, but she is who she is. I can learn to deal with the relationship in the best way I know how to.

In your situation, the mother in law you have most likely isn't the one you wish you had. She is who she is. No, you don't need her approval ,or for her to like you to have a happy marriage. But it is OK to wish things were different, while also accepting that she is who she is and trying to manage the relationship in the best way you know how to.

[Charlie3236]

Hi TDeer! I think it's totally normal to want to have a relationship with your family. My BPD little sis has caused an enormous amount of pain and drama in our family, and as much as I want to cut her out completely sometimes, she is still family and so I'll always have a desire to stay in relationship with her at least a little. She's allowed to be around when she is kind and respectful, when she's not she has to leave. It's not ideal, actually it sucks to know that all that sweetness will inevitably crash into nastiness eventually... .She never fails in that capacity and so has become predictable. Yet I still love her! I know what she's been through, so it all makes perfect sense in her disordered mind.
Peace & blessings!

[Romania]

Thank you for posting this.

I really like the way you articulated about the bubble - that was something I have been trying to formulate for awhile now!  It really hit home.
A good reminder too as mine seems to hate me to the core, except when she does not.

Thank you!

[TDeer]

Thank you for posting this.

I really like the way you articulated about the bubble - that was something I have been trying to formulate for awhile now!  It really hit home.
A good reminder too as mine seems to hate me to the core, except when she does not.

Thank you!

You're right about the reminder too. She does hate me, but doesn't, and then does. Nothing makes sense.

Love to you all.

[Towanda]

My BPD mother has never approved of my brother's ex-wife or now his current girlfriend.
I didn't like his ex-wife either, I think that she too probably has BPD, but this new girlfriend seems like more co-dependent (my brother has BPD too, I think).

Anyway, it doesn't matter that my brother's ex-wife and his current partner have their good sides; both are hard-working women earning money, while my brother sits at home, playing computer games - he is still the one that is always innocent in my mother's eyes.
She is jealous of his girlfriend, which showed when she criticized them for kissing in front of her last year in August - she thought they were doing it to irritate her. The whole fight between her and brother happened and ended with them not wanting to see each other again. That was quickly all forgiven and now they yearn to meet again.

The current girlfriend is disgusting to my mom, because she weights 150kg. No other reason. My mother didn't want her to come to her home and stay there in August - because she is disgusting to her (mom weights 90kg and is much shorter, and is quite bothered with her own weight).

I just wanted you to know: some BPD mothers' see their children as their property, something to control and have power over. Our mom crosses even physical boundaries, like pinching us in the butt cheeks, even in public, which is quite emberassing to us - it's degrading and humiliating. That's what she does to get the power over us or to make us look nuts in public and be the victim of horrible children that yell at their own mother (you don't even know the half of it). She manipulates in the most indirect, hidden ways, that you first get it when you have removed yourself from the situation and stayed away for a few weeks. She gets her will, if the children are not aware of her manipulation techniques, so be aware of it. You being irritated and sad because of lack of her approval - a manipulation technique to make you look like a child in your husband's eyes. Do. Not. Let. Her. Set boundaries. Be consistent. Do not change your mind about your boundaries, but make them stricter when she doesn't respect them. And never, ever let her get under your skin and get you upset. Stay cool, remember, it's all manipulation, not necessarily evil or conscious - it is a way of survival for most of them. Vent your emotions when you're alone - I have a carpet beater and use it on my bed while I'm saying things I need to say.

You'll never be good enough, it doesn't matter who you are or how you look like. Especially if there is enmeshment between the son and the mother. Ask him to read this and find out if that's the case: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

There are three types of BPD, so perhaps you should first find out which type she has.

Good luck.

[TDeer]

I just wanted you to know: some BPD mothers' see their children as their property, something to control and have power over.

She gets her will, if the children are not aware of her manipulation techniques, so be aware of it. You being irritated and sad because of lack of her approval - a manipulation technique to make you look like a child in your husband's eyes. Do. Not. Let. Her. Set boundaries. Be consistent. Do not change your mind about your boundaries, but make them stricter when she doesn't respect them. And never, ever let her get under your skin and get you upset. Stay cool, remember, it's all manipulation, not necessarily evil or conscious - it is a way of survival for most of them. Vent your emotions when you're alone - I have a carpet beater and use it on my bed while I'm saying things I need to say.

There are three types of BPD, so perhaps you should first find out which type she has.

Good luck.

Sounds like she thinks they're hers to control. Spot on! They let her think that, but they don't abide by it. Their number one rule is do not engage unless absolutely necessary. They both know what their mother is.


How does the manipulation make me look like a child? Only if I react? My husband respects me, but I'm still on the lookout for anything toxic at all times.

Three types of BPD? I'm pretty sure she's narcissistic higher functioning / "invisible " borderline that's typically covert.

[TDeer]

On the other extreme, he or she may seek approval at any cost. In a way this is just as damaging as bouts of self-injurious behavior. He or she may not care about himself/herself; it’s all about what the other person thinks. This often results in extreme efforts to avoid disapproval and abandonment.

Petulant borderline
This is a passive-aggressive person. He or she will injure himself or herself–either physically or emotionally–in an attempt to get needs met. This person has an unstable sense of self, a frantic fear of abandonment, and inability to express his or her needs.

This person operates in an Angry Child mode.  He or she is angry and will hurt friends and family as a result. He or she often does not recognize the anger–the world is the problem, not him/her. He or she does not know how to express his/her needs in a healthy way, so relationships seem to be a game of “If you really loved me” or “You should know what I want”.




I'm pretty sure she's the petulant borderline. I didn't actually know about these types of BPD! Thanks for the heads up!