BPD husband

[Turtle10]

Hello everyone.
This is our of my comfort zone as I don't generally do forums; but I'm hoping to be able to be a bit more open here than I can with friends and family in person. I love my husband to pieces, and don't want anyone around him to judge him based on his diagnosis. I also do not want to hurt him by talking about him to anyone who may not be able to keep things to themselves. So currently, he and I are the only ones who know of his BPD.
We have been married for almost seven years, and I figured out (before he was diagnosed later that year) that my husband had BPD within the first year of marriage. It opened up my eyes to the reason for his (to me) unexplainable reactions to so many things.
Unfortunately, he does not see a therapist because he says he would lose his job if his diagnosis became official. This may or may not be true, as he works on high level projects in a power plant.
I did not know how to handle the hurt and pain that he was obviously dealing with, and I gave in too easily and too often in our first years of marriage. My entire family has been alienated because they didn't want me to marry him, and he knew it. He has told me of nasty things they said and did, but I have not witnessed any of it for myself. I believe there is at least a kernel of truth in the things he has said; but I also now know how he reacts, and believe his feelings may have skewed the facts in his own mind.
Anyhow, after six years of refusing calls and visits from my family, I have been working to reconnect with them. Ideally I want my husband to be on board with this. Thus far, I have gently pushed him out of his comfort zone, but I have never done anything that I know would make him very upset. I have been strictly emailing my mother and sister for over a year, and would love to start making phone calls, texting, and eventually see them in person again.
When I bring this up to my husband, he gets very upset. He seems to feel very threatened by my family - whether because I love them and that scares him, or because he knows they did not love him immediately, I am not entirely sure. He tells me he is trying so hard to be okay with it, but needs more time. I value my husband and my marriage. In general he is a high functioning BPD, with a great job, and he is an amazing husband. I do not want to push him too far, but I also know that I let the situation with my family get to far in the first place, and am now working to regain ground that was lost. My poor family does not understand why we can't just immediately try to go back to normal, and I don't know what to tell them.

I'm sorry this was so long. There's so much more I could say, but that's my situation in a nutshell.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Turtle10! 

Welcome! I'm really glad you've found our site and that you've taken the time to reach out to others. This is a safe place where you can ask questions and seek answers to help you in the day to day challenges of living with a BPD. I want to commend you in making your first post.  I always think it takes a lot of courage to take the first step. Good job. 

As you start to get familiar with the site, you'll find there is a nice column to the right hand side where you will find helpful information. As you click on the various topics, more information will come up to keep you busy with reading for some time! 

You mentioned that he doesn't want to see a T for fear of his Dx becoming known. For the moment I don't want to focus on his going but wonder if you have ever gone to a T or if you would consider doing so? That will not affect him at all as regards his job.

While I am not married to a BPD, my mom was a uBPD, and unfortunately due to well learned imprinting as a child, I married someone who continually reminds me of her BPD traits. He is quite like her in so many ways, and the challenge of living with someone who is often hurtful can be tough. It sounds like you understand that very well too. I also love my husband and we've been married for 32 years.

How have I stayed? By working on improving myself because I cannot change him. Change often happens as I adjust and grow, and I know it will continue to come. Change isn't all bad but it is stressful. What types of things have you found that you do to help yourself and find kindness in how you treat you? I ask these things because perhaps you struggle with learning to be kind to yourself when you've lived in such a stressful environment. As you become strengthened through healing your own hurts, then it can help you in dealing with the day to day and hanging in there.

Do you have any children? How far away does your family live?
And your post was not too long. I'm so glad you shared. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[Turtle10]

Thank you for your response
My husband is actually very good about trying to give me time for myself. I grew up in a very large family and was basically a second mom to my siblings, so when we got married my husband encouraged me to relax before we had our own kids. We now have a 17 month old son, who I stay home with.
My family lives several states away. My husband is in a contract position, so we've moved state to state multiple times now for his work. We're hoping to stay put long term if possible now that we have a little one, but that's up to God.
I think as far as being kind to myself... .I don't really understand the question. My husband has never been abusive, and his BPD manipulation has always been more subtle than blatant. Guilt trips and that type of thing. Beyond that he is very kind to me, and even though I know he sometimes gets very angry with me, he's generally very good about walking away/hiding it from me.
I do know that I cannot change my husband. He has to want that for himself. I believe that being a Christian has given me a more stable foundation and sense of security than I might otherwise have. Obviously some days are MUCH harder than others. But in general, I don't feel as though I have lost my sense of self.