All advice welcome

[AJM24]

Hiya,

Looking for a wee bit of advise as I'm at a dead end. My partner has BPD and let's just say I am not allowed a social life. I try my best and do things to help her everyday with things she doesn't like doing like the house work or shopping while she is at work. But as soon as I make plans with friends then she has a break down and "I'm the reason she is in well" for example today I went for something to eat with a friend and to return some stuff to the shop and now she is in tears and irrationally crying telling me I'm in the wrong. If I decide once a month to go for a night out with friends she is up all night unwell and crying with all these bad thoughts, locks me out and tells me she doesn't want me near her and that I have caused her to be unwell. I understand that it's hard for her that's why I now limit my socialising with friends but I cannot give them up completely. Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with this. Thanks x

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome AJM24,

One thing I have learned is that the more I isolate myself in order to stop my H's breakdowns, the worse it gets when I do try to socialize. I used to be scared just to go to dinner with friends because he would get so upset. I realized that I cannot leave myself without a support system. I don't have friends or socialize with others then I drown in my whole life revolving around him.

Depending on the situation, I sometimes ask my H if it's ok for me to go somewhere; other times I just let him know that I have these plans. OFtentimes just giving him the option of saying no helps, and he usually says yes, even if reluctantly. I provide details and information that I know he wants, such as who will be there, about how long the event will last, where it's going to be, etc. On the night of the event, I validate any fears or concerns or stress that he has. I also tell him, I can't wait to see you when I get home so as to give him something to look forward to.

Validation is really the key though. Your pwBPD is so scared that you will meet someone else. They may not like to be left at home alone. So if you can address the feeling they are feeling, instead of the behavior you are doing (because your behavior of going out with friends is not inappropriate) then she feels like you heard her.