Support and Advice Appreciated

Where do I even begin? It's strange to think that I have never sought comfort in an anonymous way like this as my relationship with my mother has been my biggest stressor for as long as I can remember and I have also never felt comfortable sharing that piece of my life with others. I have gone through periods of my life where I just "cut her off" or just kept a very big distance and honestly, that is what I had decided was for the best. The love and hate that I can feel for one person at the same time baffles. Even as I sit here writing this there is a knot in my stomach and I can't stop shaking.

We had an awful year when I was about fifteen. We lost my great-grandmother, my grandfather, and one of my uncles in about eighteen months. In fact, my uncle over-dosed on my mother's birthday. My step-father had an affair and separated from my mother. Certainly my mother couldn't have been well before, but I don't remember it ever impacting me in this way. My mother started drinking. Then she started getting DUI's. She got an assault charge. She lost her driver's license, we lost our home. Boyfriends came and went. Then she lost custody of my two younger siblings. I didn't see or talk to my sister for almost five years and to this day have not had contact with my brother. It's been ten years. Once she lost custody of them, I tried to help my mom in the best way a sixteen year old knows how. I was her DD and took care of her when she had drank way too much. I was her emotional support. I asked her to stop drinking. I asked her to find a way to fight for my siblings. I asked her to find a way to support us. She would get mad or make me feel guilty. She was the mother. I don't worry about those things. She didn't have a drinking problem. For two years I held on, but things just went further down hill.

A few weeks after I got married to my ex-husband, my mother told me she was pregnant. I was furious. This woman who had already taken two siblings from me was going to bring another life in the world. How dare she. How could I possibly attach to another sibling after what had happened? Nevertheless, I remained in contact and hoped to make the best of it. Knowing in my gut I should never get too close. Then, my mom was sent to prison for "shock treatment" for all the DUI's she had gathered over the past six or seven years. My little brother was born with my mom in shackles. He stayed with acquired family members until she was released shortly after his birth. I met with her after. She told me she had changed. My little brother was her saving grace. She needed him. She was going to do better. Please let's have a relationship. Okay... .I said... .One more chance... .

Surprise. She lied. Domestic violence. Child endangerment charges against my little brother's father and my mother back in prison. I was newly married, fresh out of college, and trying to learn how to navigate my first job. I get a call from my grandmother... ."You're little brother needs a place to go. Take him. Someone has to take care of him and I can't."

I said no. I told my grandmother call children's services, the little guy will be better off, my mother is toxic. And I didn't speak to my mother again for a long time. I didn't know my little brother. I couldn't bring myself to have a relationship with him knowing she would lose him. Knowing it was only a matter of time and I would lose another person I would have grown to love.

Then mom didn't go back. She stabilized. She still wasn't independent. She lived off of my grandmother and step-grandfather, but she stayed out of trouble, didn't violate her probation and stopped shacking up with men. My grandmother begged me. "Forgive" she said. I let my mother back in. I developed a relationship with my little brother. He called me "happy sister". I would visit every month or so. I grew to love him despite knowing that the inevitable would come. I fooled myself into believing mom was better.

My sister, despite only being raised by mom half her life, still somehow managed to turn out like her. She had a suicide attempt in late 2014 and found out she was pregnant. Again I was furious. I had been paying her rent until a month ago. She had no business having a child. First she got mad at me because I wouldn't give her money for an abortion. Then she was mad because I was not excited enough about her pregnancy. Nevertheless, my nephew was born. And I loved him.

My sister had somehow managed to stay with her son's father for about three years. Shortly after my nephew's first birthday, I get a text from my sister telling me I was going to need to come get her. She was leaving him. I told her she was stupid leaving a man who had worked himself nearly to death to support her and my nephew and had managed to stay with her so long. She left anyway and moved in with my grandmother. A horrible custody battle ensued. I went to court dates, supported from a distance as I could, but I refused to bad mouth and hate my nephew's father. My sister refused to let me see my nephew.

Now my mother, sister, and grandmother were all living in the same house. It was only a matter of time before it blew up. In the meantime, I received fantastic news. I was accepted to a doctoral program. I was so happy. I had worked so hard to achieve a goal I had had for years. My partner and I excitedly planned our lives in a new city and I dreamed of what my life would be like as a grad student. Then it happened. My grandmother kicked my mom and sister out and cut them off. Now my mom, my sister and brother were homeless and unemployed. My little brother was 5. My sister found some guy to live with and left my mom and little brother living in a tent. Nothing changed. I worried so much about little brother, but I knew my mother was toxic. Finally, my partner said"bring them here, they can live with us, they can go with us, we will make it work, they're your family". And so I did. They moved in with us. My little brother started kindergarten the same time I started my first year of grad school. My partner took a job working nights so he could help with child care. My mom got a job working evenings. For awhile, things were okay.

Then my partner went out of town to see some friends. Have I mentioned that we had chosen not to have kids? It was a huge adjustment for him to have a five year old around all the time, let alone be the primary care giver for one. He needed a break. The first night he was gone, my mother got drunk. I was sitting on the couch doing homework when she came downstairs and told me how wrong I was for confiding in my uncle that my sister would no longer see my nephew. Nothing could convince her that I was allowed to have support and that she should not take sides between her daughters. I went to bed despite her knocking on my door and trying to get me to talk about it. We tried to talk about it all together later when my partner came home. Mom got defensive. My partner was frustrated because it happened when he wasn't there and my mom got defensive. Nothing changed.

It was downhill from there. Mom started isolating in her room. She came home drunk. She started another fight and we had to end up calling the police. She started staying out drinking and not telling us, even thought we were at home watching her child. She accused my partner of being a bully because he insisted that my six year old brother sleep in his own bed. If I brought up concerns about her drinking she got defensive "why is it always that with you". If I brought up concerns about her mental health it was because I was in the mental health profession and it caused me to see it that way. My partner and I fought each other because we were so frustrated with the situation. I struggled to balance work, school, and helping take care of my little brother. All the while, my partner and I grew more and more attached to him. I started going to therapy through my school's counseling center. I got some validation. I got some guidance on how to start setting boundaries and limits. I told mom she needed to start looking for her own place and all of the above got worse. She accused me and my partner of abusing her. When I tried to talk to her she refused to open her door and have a face-to-face conversation with me. One night I locked the chain when I went to bed. I got a call almost two hours later that I had locked her out. When I let her in she reeked of alcohol. She tried to tell me she had just been outside smoking a cigarette in thirty degree weather. I told her she needed to be out in thirty days. She said she would be out in fifteen and that" I would be sorry." and that I had been looking for a reason to kick her out anyway.

Last Thursday, I fell asleep reading. She came in my room and tried to tuck me in. I told her she didn't get to accuse me of abusing her and then tuck me into bed. She left my room with a look on her face like I had stabbed her. She moved out on Saturday. The night she left my little brother cried. Worried he wouldn't see us anymore. I held him and told him I would pick him up the next day if mom would let me. "Oh Honey" my mom chided. "Your sister will be able to see you anytime she wants" When I asked her for her house key, she threw it across the parking lot and left. I text her and asked about getting my little brother. She never responded.

Last night she came to get some of her stuff. She didn't even knock. Just walked in. I asked her when I would get to see my little brother. "Oh. We'll have to plan a day" she says. I told her "mom I don't want to see you, I want to see my little brother." "Woow" she said. "Can I pick him up Saturday?" I asked. "Yeah, that would be great I'm working a double." She left without even saying goodbye.

Last night at 10pm, I get the text. "I am so sorry for being a ___ty mother to you. Please just let me move on. Brother and I have been through a lot and he is my main concern right now. I am so sorry if I neglected you. You are my heart. I know thats why you hurt me so much with what [partner] told me and and your demeanor towards me. I wanted us to be close again"

I didn't respond. Then, twenty minutes later. "If you don't want to be around me then you don't need to be around Brother".

My response, "That is not fair to me or to him. He deserves to see his sister. He deserves to have that relationship. My relationship with you shouldn't interfere with my relationship with him. If it does that is putting your needs above his"

An hour later, 11:30pm,

"I can't trust you. I have kept a journal when we moved here. [Partner] is controlling and that is a text book "bully'. He told me you was considered about me because I was a "human being" I will never forget the day. No. I am your mom. [Partner] was nice to my face when you were there.

Brother said you and [partner] make him nervous.

Sorry.

Your loss once again. Brother was just as perfect when you wanted nothing to do with him as he his now!

Call me if you feel the need to see him. Like I said, I would never do that to him.

Package deal. I mean that [my name]. You did this to yourself."

I still haven't responded. I have somehow managed to make it through today by keeping busy and finding places to hide and cry when I get overwhelmed remembering I may never see my little brother again. But I refuse to pretend like nothing happened and give her back the power. I get physically ill just being in her presence and I hope every day for her to get hit by a bus. I'm torn between just giving in so I can see him and the reality that continuing to have a relationship with her will get my own mental health to a point where I will no longer be a good partner or sister or be able to reach my goals. My heart is completely broken. My partner is hurting too as he has grown to love my little brother like his own.

My plan right now is to give no response beyond asking what time I can pick my little brother up. I'm not in therapy right now, so support and advice appreciated. Even just word vomiting like this has made me feel better.



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