Reacting to Rage

[bbb123]

Recently my BPDgf lashed out at me unexpectedly over something that I believe is trivial but I fear this could be the end for us.  I don't know how to deal with it.

After a wonderful night together, my BPDgf  told me when we were getting in bed that she needed her sleep and not to disturb her.  I do have sleep issues and normally fall asleep much later than she does but I have always kept this in mind and made my best effort to avoid any problems over this, in this relationship and in past relationships.

She fell asleep straightaway and I laid in bed quietly for an hour, careful not to disturb her.  Eventually, I got out of bed and went into the TV room as I wasn't yet sleepy.  I got back in bed a few hours later.  She was still sleeping soundly.

A couple of hours later she awoke coughing from allergies and I asked "are you ok?" which made her extremely angry.  She then accused me of keeping her up all night with my talking and not caring about her need for sleep. She yelled at me to get out of her room and I didn't put up a fight.

I went to sleep on the couch thinking that this wasn't any big issue as I had done exactly what she wanted.  In the morning, she was enraged to find me still in her house (I guess she thought I had left).  She locked herself in her bathroom and screamed at me through the door to get the hell out. I tried to defend myself but gave up quickly as it was only making the situation worse.  I left and haven't talked with her for four days (a long time for us).  

I love her and want to deal with the situation.  I want to call her but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if she truly believes that was being uncaring or if she's looking for an excuse to create a conflict. My impulse is to apologize and ask her to forgive me, but I just can't do it.  I didn't do anything wrong.  On the other hand, I have a bad feeling, based on past experiences with her, that if I don't reach out soon, she's going to forget about me and move on.

Question is: Contact or no contact?  And if I contact her, how to handle it without just giving into an unreasonable perception that I did something terrible when I simply did not?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I want to welcome you to the bpdfamily bbb123. I'm sorry that you had to find these boards, but I'm also glad that you have found a supportive group who have experienced similar situations. I hope that you receive as much support as I did when I landed here.

Is there a reason that you wouldn't contact her? The only real reason to go no contact is for self-preservation.

It's advisable to never give in to unreasonable perceptions of anyone, not just those who exhibit BPD traits. It seems like it will be easier to go along to get along, but when we do that, it teaches the other person that we will accept such behavior. We never want to validate the invalid.

Also, it's probably pointless to defend yourself and argue your position. Again, no one likes to be told that they are wrong, BPD or not. But, the truth is that people who suffer from BPD feel emotions more intensely than those who do no fall on the spectrum. So, making the BPD person feel shame by "proving them wrong" does nothing create a toxic spiral.

You'll get much further acknowledging that her emotions. It seems clear that she was upset. So, can you let her know that you understand that she's upset without accepting responsibility for it?

Can you find a way to tell her that you know that she was upset, you are thinking about her, that you miss her, and that you hope that she is alright now?

Sometimes, members here find it helpful to write out what they might say and post it for others to review and give guidance. Perhaps if you are comfortable, you could post here what you think that you might say to her?