BPD boyfriend does not realize he is gaslighting me but it will not stop

[metamouse]

I almost feel bad writing this. It's my first post in a forum about the situation and I feel like I'm betraying him, in a way.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 years now. It's probably been the most tumultuous 4 years of my life. There are a number of complicated issues that have added to the basic communication problems - my financial inability to divorce, his inability to find a steady job, illness, relocation issues, and now my inability to find a steady job. Not to mention the stress of our relationship itself. It's been crazy, and I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 4.

About a year into our relationship, my boyfriend mentioned to me in passing that he had been diagnosed with something ... .he couldn't remember the name, and then said that it was BPD. At the moment, I don't know what I was thinking, I was in a defensive position for him, and replied that I had had issues with authority when I was young, too, but that it didn't mean he was less of a person, and he wasn't limited by it. I gave him a pep talk, and we moved on. Little did I realize.

Fast forward to about a year ago, and he is having regular stress attacks and unable to function, lashing out at everyone and everything on an almost daily basis. I do my own research and figure out that he has narcissistic traits and is gaslighting me like mad. He admits there's something very wrong with his emotional state, wants to go on medication, says he's very depressed. Brings up the BPD again. I do everything I can to research BPD and find out what the best type of therapy is, where he can find it (he'd relocated to another province at this time), search for psychologists, etc. There's a bit of struggle, he resists me, but is desperate and so goes. He gets another official diagnosis of BPD and prescribed medication. He is also accepted into a DBT program.

Unfortunately, about 2 weeks later, he gets a new job, and moves back to where I am. No DBT, no meds.

During this whole time, I've been desperately trying to hold us together. I know that I'm acting badly too, but I'm just so desperate! He's making me question everything - things that are said, things that are not said. I'm always the one that's wrong, to blame, destroying our relationship, ruining everything. I'm psychotic, unstable.

Our fights get worse and worse, often with me thinking suicidal thoughts. I can't do this, I have three children who need me. I've made every accommodation trying to keep us together. Every time we fight, I have to admit to my supreme guilt or else he threatens to end our relationship. But I am honestly not doing these things! Any single item that I do not agree with or voice displeasure with, turns into him telling me I'm psycho, unstable, insecure. Then he stonewalls me and refuses to speak to me. I don't know what to do.

Now that he's back, I've found the path he needs to take to get help here. I've found BPD psychologists, a DBT program, I've sorted out things with his insurance company to figure out what he needs to do. This is almost two years now, since we first started talking about him getting help, and he is still dragging his feet.

I've convinced him to go, he says he's going to go, but he doesn't do what he has to do.

I have led him into it by saying that I want to go with him to see a counsellor ... .to see if he/she can help us with our relationship problems. That I have issues I want to resolve as well. We've ended more than a few fights with the conclusion that 'we are going to drop it until we have a third party look at what's happening'. That's fine, but we still don't go, because we have to push through the process of his insurance, etc.

I love this man with all of my heart, he is my soul mate, but I can't possibly imagine a scenario where I bring him into a home with my children and allow him to carry on this behaviour with them. It won't happen. This is also part of why I have not yet divorced... .I cannot expose them to his manipulations.

I just don't know what to do. I keep telling myself to hold out until we can see a counsellor, get some help, but it just seems like it never happens. I am at the end of my rope.

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[Kwamina]

Hi metamouse

I am very sorry you are dealing with all of this. It becomes very clear from your post that your boyfriend's behavior is really affecting you, to the point that you even experienced thoughts of suicide. Dealing with such thoughts isn't easy. Was this the first time you found yourself having thoughts like this? Is suicidal ideation something you are still struggling with?

It is very unfortunate that your boyfriend currently isn't getting any DBT. Why do you think it is that he, despite expressing a desire to attend therapy, does not follow through?

Ultimately, you cannot make him go to therapy if he does not want to. What you can do is work on yourself, have you perhaps thought of seeing a therapist for yourself to help you deal with this?

You mention part of the reason you are not yet divorced is that you don't want to bring him into a home with your children if he behaves this way. You refer to him as your boyfriend and not your husband, but do you mean here that the two of you are in fact married?

Take care

The Board Parrot