recently kinda diagnosed wife, morbidly guilty feeling husband and parent

[harrymanbeck]

Hi, I am totally new to all of this... .I always knew there was something abnormal with my wife, but until last week I didn't know that it had a name. And I haven't actually gotten a confirmed diagnosis, and am unsure if I ever will.  She doesn't need help, it's my fault, the kids fault, and her coworkers fault that she is angry all of the time.  We are incompetent and unable to manage our lives... .I do almost all of the cooking and most of the day to day cleaning, she does laundry and a deep clean periodically.  I have an 18 year old stepson that left home last year to finish high school in California with his aunt and his deceased father's family.  I have a much closer and better relationship with him than my wife does.  He openly admits and tells her that he hates her and doesn't want her in his life.  I feel terribly guilty for watching the verbal and sometimes physical abuse, even though I intervened dozens of times... .that drove him 2,000 miles away.  I miss him terribly, with his younger siblings  being so much younger, he and I took 95% of the attacks, and we were our own support group.  We did not know, we blamed ourselves for the longest time.  He is actually the one who found out about BPD, let me know about it, and then after our family doctor came to the exact same conclusion, there has been a slight sense of relief and validation for both of us.  But now my 9 year old son is starting to be "old enough" to be a target.  My 5 year old daughter is shielded most of the time, but I cannot stand by any longer and watch the same thing happen to two more kids.  I am out of sympathy during the bad times, but overcome with grief and guilt at the though of leaving her and taking the kids.  She has basically alienated herself from almost everyone that has to come into contact with her often.  There has been one suicide attempt and many threats, so to take away her children scares me to death.  I am working with our family doctor, trying to figure out how to get her in for a diagnosis from a psychiatrist.  I don't think that a family doctor is considered qualified to make such a diagnosis, please let me know if that is incorrect.  He suggested I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells"... .i got it on one of those online listening things... .the book was very helpful, but left me with a lot of questions still. I still don't know what to do... .my wife is actually right in the middle of her decent phase, but I can feel it coming to an end, it always has for 12 years. I am torn emotionally.

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[takingandsending]

Hello harrymanbeck and welcome to bpdfamily.

I am really sorry to hear the hurt and suffering that you are undergoing. It is understandable that you are emotionally torn and uncertain how to proceed. You are in the position of considering what is best for your children, what is best for your wife and what is best for you. The anger, blame (projection), and abusive language (gas lighting) are common behaviors for people with BPD, and those behaviors make life for those close to them very hard.

You mentioned that your wife has attempted suicide and threatens suicide during her dysregulations. As spouses, we may feel like we are supposed to know what to do to help our partner in these situations, but the best thing is to take the threat seriously and call paramedics or police for help. It is very possible that your wife will deny that she ever made any threat of suicide, but it is best to let medical health experts determine that. The problem is, it is an effective form of controlling her external environment, so she will continue to use it. There are tools on this website that discuss what to do when suicide is discussed. I will try to find and send the links.

Additionally, you mentioned having to intervene to prevent verbal and sometimes physical abuse of your stepson. This is an area that I dealt with in my marriage with my wife, and I often felt conflicted, guilty and uncertain about my role in protecting my sons v. supporting my wife. I wanted to share what my therapist told me at the time, and what I now see much more clearly: it was absolutely my role and responsibility as the attached parent and functioning adult in the household to advocate, protect and be there for my sons. In the end, for me, that meant physically putting myself between my wife and oldest son, removing my sons from the house (we took walks or bike rides or car rides), and letting my wife know that we would be back to talk in 30 minutes (about the time for the dysregulation to dissipate). I know that this is hard, but I really encourage you to keep taking the steps needed to be there for your children.

You mentioned that you are left with questions. What sort of questions do you have? Are you seeing anybody yourself for help? There are a lot of people on these forums and information on how to communicate with your wife that will help to not escalate situations or make things worse. We can help you with using those tools if you are interested. I hope that you continue to post here and tell us more specifically how we can help you. You are definitely not alone, and things can and do get better the more we learn from each other. 

[takingandsending]

Hello, harrymanbeck.

Here is the link on suicidal ideation. Please take a look through it and post any questions that you may have. We are here to help.

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[UserZer0]

Hello harrymanbeck,

I am also a recent member to the boards, having just recently realised that my wife my be suffering from BPD. 

While I did speak about it with her doctor she wouldn't go so far as to discuss her thoughts concerning my wife as she thought that would be too much like discussing details about one of her patients and she won't do that.  However, when I mentioned BPD and gave my opinion she didn't say anything against the suggestion and was willing to discuss possible options for getting her to seek treatment (unfortunately the suggestions weren't very useful).

I am mostly the focus for my wife, but my 12 y.o. son has recently been more and more a target as well due to his "misbehavior" when he talks back to her when she is "activated" and due to his lack of motivation at school. The disputes between them is what lead me to discover that my wife might have BPD.

We are also in a calm period these days, and what I think has been helping is the fact that I talked to my two children.  I did the following
- Apologised to both of them saying that I was sorry that I let them be insulted without defending them and that from now on that would change since no one should accept being insulted.
- Let them know that when their mother gets mad she says things she doesn't really mean and that if it happens they should avoid answering back and just make an excuse (bathroom, homework, etc.) to get away until she has calmed down
- I let them know what I thought her triggers were and to try their best to avoid them.   
- Let them know I didn't expect them to be perfect when dealing with their mother, but that I was counting on them to do their best.

You might also want get get the e-book "An Umbrella for Alex" and read it to your children. I did that with my 10 y.o. and was surprised at her responses to the questions in the book.  She understands the situation very well and has a lot of anger towards her mother that I am trying to get her to see differently.

All I can say other that that is good luck and stay strong for the children!