Strange (soon 2 be X-wife) promiscuous behavior on FB with replacement?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my soon to be x-wife is borderline (untreated) have done some crazy things on FB with replacement ever since abandoning me six months ago.  we were married for good 7 years. ever since getting me arrested 2nd time (lying, false charges), she left me while i was in jail taking off with my 3kids & being pregnant. i got few days later. within 2-3 weeks she popped back on Facebook with this ugly loser replacement ... since then she act like she don't even know me.i know she was upset with me before leaving me cause we had more than a few arguments before the final discard, one day she would be normal, and the other day she would be unhappy about something. she has all the classic symptoms.

*push/pull behavior (extreme mood swings)
*silent treatments
*distortion camapaing (against me)
*gaslighting
*rage
*mirroring
*fear of abandonment
*suicide threats
*picking her skin on arms when stressed
*circular arguments
*false domestic allegations (lied & got me arrested)



anyway, my family, her family, friends all tried to bring her back, she been silent with me for last 6 months. she can't talk to me regardless, cause its part of the case (which i will fight and beat) that we can't speak. here is the thing i don't get she is acting completely unclassy, posting promiscuous jokes, posting pictures of car with bed in it, which has a message "how it makes sex convenient", is she mirroring the replacement? cause he seem like a complete pervert if you look at his own posts. its very said, she is still married to me and our divorce haven't started yet. i wanted her to return for the sake of kids, but she don't leave me with no choice when she moved in with guy.

but the fact, she has 2 daughters, and she just gave birth to my child a month ago makes this worst. obviously she doesn't care how all this will impact my kids in the future that their mom has turned into trash. when she lived with me, i never EVER put no disrespectful or distasteful jokes online and never posted awkward sexual material on Facebook, the whole time she was with me. she used to have class. Matter of fact, i always kept my private life private. None of my friends haven't even seen my wife before. i only associate with family. i think she found this loser online while we were going through our arguments and got her at the right time when she was emotionally vulnerable. Before abandoning me she made up her mind that she no longer loved me, and she was paranoid, that me and my family were plotting against her (nonsense) and she kept blaming me for all the problems that me and her mom had.

She started seeing this guy within a 1week of leaving me. She didn't even care she was pregnant sleeping with him (sick). she moved in with him in 2 months with no respect to her/mine marriage. she gave birth last month, together now they been living for good 4months. recently he posted on his page, "he is feeling naughty" and she posted a emoji face winking back .

why is she putting on all this display for people to see. she lost respect from all family members and friends behind this affair, cause people realize this guy is a loser who has nothing to offer her n kids. nobody accept this relationship cause she wouldn't let me see the kids (well handle that in court soon)... but just the fact, she is acting like a  trashy woman, who is a mother and wife in away thats beyond inappropriate. what has happened to her?

she went from a decent girl into a complete slut like behavior. when she married me she was 19, she is 25 now, she is still young. what is going on guys? from her arguments, around the time of leaving me, she made up her mind that i was going to leave her. she always lead me into circular arguments which got me frustrated and i would say i don't want to live with her and will divorce her, which triggered her further (abandonment). she told me she will take revenge, and in her mind she thought i destroyed her life with all these kids, and she said she will get me locked up (she did do that by lying)

before leaving me, she was stressed about handling 3 kids and she would often talk about her dad who went missing 3 years ago in UK. she complained about how other people go on vacations, we don't. did she have a mental breakdown? or is this what she really wants? and this is the true face of BPD/Narcassism I'm seeing here? she seems very narcissistic in nature, cause she dumped me without any grief and remorse. and even when she would be mad at me, it was impossible to get her out of that state of mind. i was so hurt initially when she left. she was ruthless, she told her friend, i need to stop crying over her like a girl and move on, can't i see her facebook pictures that she has clearly moved on and everybody in the world gets the point except me, that did give me some sort of closure, so i finally decided she was not worth waiting for, i got save my self respect and dignity, i exhausted all options trying to win her back.

HELP me guys/ whats going on with... her behavior is sick and unladylike. is she mirroring the replacement? can't she see she is being used for sex? maybe she is in idealization and thinks this guy really loves her. maybe she is a sex addict herself. but to put on a show for everyone, knowing all her friends and family is watching her FB page and knowing i watch it too,, what is her purpose of doing it? whats the point when she lives with him?... btw, the replacement was worried that i wanted her back, so maybe he posts these things purposely to discourage me even thinking about taking her back. the guy is a straight homewrecker and i hope he will get his karma.  they also like each other posts (weird )

[icesoul]

my soon to be x-wife is borderline (untreated) have done some crazy things on FB with replacement ever since abandoning me six months ago.  we were married for good 7 years. ever since getting me arrested 2nd time (lying, false charges), she left me while i was in jail taking off with my 3kids & being pregnant. i got few days later. within 2-3 weeks she popped back on Facebook with this ugly loser replacement ... since then she act like she don't even know me.i know she was upset with me before leaving me cause we had more than a few arguments before the final discard, one day she would be normal, and the other day she would be unhappy about something. she has all the classic symptoms.

*push/pull behavior (extreme mood swings)
*silent treatments
*distortion camapaing (against me)
*gaslighting
*rage
*mirroring
*fear of abandonment
*suicide threats
*picking her skin on arms when stressed
*circular arguments
*false domestic allegations (lied & got me arrested)



anyway, my family, her family, friends all tried to bring her back, she been silent with me for last 6 months. she can't talk to me regardless, cause its part of the case (which i will fight and beat) that we can't speak. here is the thing i don't get she is acting completely unclassy, posting promiscuous jokes, posting pictures of car with bed in it, which has a message "how it makes sex convenient", is she mirroring the replacement? cause he seem like a complete pervert if you look at his own posts. its very said, she is still married to me and our divorce haven't started yet. i wanted her to return for the sake of kids, but she don't leave me with no choice when she moved in with guy.

but the fact, she has 2 daughters, and she just gave birth to my child a month ago makes this worst. obviously she doesn't care how all this will impact my kids in the future that their mom has turned into trash. when she lived with me, i never EVER put no disrespectful or distasteful jokes online and never posted awkward sexual material on Facebook, the whole time she was with me. she used to have class. Matter of fact, i always kept my private life private. None of my friends haven't even seen my wife before. i only associate with family. i think she found this loser online while we were going through our arguments and got her at the right time when she was emotionally vulnerable. Before abandoning me she made up her mind that she no longer loved me, and she was paranoid, that me and my family were plotting against her (nonsense) and she kept blaming me for all the problems that me and her mom had.

She started seeing this guy within a 1week of leaving me. She didn't even care she was pregnant sleeping with him (sick). she moved in with him in 2 months with no respect to her/mine marriage. she gave birth last month, together now they been living for good 4months. recently he posted on his page, "he is feeling naughty" and she posted a emoji face winking back .

why is she putting on all this display for people to see. she lost respect from all family members and friends behind this affair, cause people realize this guy is a loser who has nothing to offer her n kids. nobody accept this relationship cause she wouldn't let me see the kids (well handle that in court soon)... but just the fact, she is acting like a  trashy woman, who is a mother and wife in away thats beyond inappropriate. what has happened to her?

she went from a decent girl into a complete slut like behavior. when she married me she was 19, she is 25 now, she is still young. what is going on guys? from her arguments, around the time of leaving me, she made up her mind that i was going to leave her. she always lead me into circular arguments which got me frustrated and i would say i don't want to live with her and will divorce her, which triggered her further (abandonment). she told me she will take revenge, and in her mind she thought i destroyed her life with all these kids, and she said she will get me locked up (she did do that by lying)

before leaving me, she was stressed about handling 3 kids and she would often talk about her dad who went missing 3 years ago in UK. she complained about how other people go on vacations, we don't. did she have a mental breakdown? or is this what she really wants? and this is the true face of BPD/Narcassism I'm seeing here? she seems very narcissistic in nature, cause she dumped me without any grief and remorse. and even when she would be mad at me, it was impossible to get her out of that state of mind. i was so hurt initially when she left. she was ruthless, she told her friend, i need to stop crying over her like a girl and move on, can't i see her facebook pictures that she has clearly moved on and everybody in the world gets the point except me, that did give me some sort of closure, so i finally decided she was not worth waiting for, i got save my self respect and dignity, i exhausted all options trying to win her back.

HELP me guys/ whats going on with... her behavior is sick and unladylike. is she mirroring the replacement? can't she see she is being used for sex? maybe she is in idealization and thinks this guy really loves her. maybe she is a sex addict herself. but to put on a show for everyone, knowing all her friends and family is watching her FB page and knowing i watch it too,, what is her purpose of doing it? whats the point when she lives with him?... btw, the replacement was worried that i wanted her back, so maybe he posts these things purposely to discourage me even thinking about taking her back. the guy is a straight homewrecker and i hope he will get his karma.  they also like each other posts (weird )

[icesoul]

i don't get it it, is it

1) revenge sex? for her percieved betrayal or maybe she feel wronged
2) some coping mechanism?
3) freedom and she is just moved on?

there is no remorse for upcoming divorce. she looks happy in her picture. the last month, we had explosive arguments, but i guess i reached above threshold of tolerance, but she started most of the drama.

when i first seen her pic with replacemeent, i was shattered. its so easy for her to walk away after a long marriage and 4 kids. its very sad for my kids and even me and look at her unladylike behavior as painful.

[icesoul]

Bump

[schwing]

Hi icesoul,

here is the thing i don't get she is acting completely unclassy, posting promiscuous jokes, posting pictures of car with bed in it, which has a message "how it makes sex convenient", is she mirroring the replacement? cause he seem like a complete pervert if you look at his own posts

One of the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder is "identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self." What I've noticed is that people with BPD (pwBPD) change who they are depending upon to whom they attach themselves.  This is why so many of us report that our BPD loved one was "perfect" for us, because for a while they change themselves to be so well suited for us.

i think she found this loser online while we were going through our arguments and got her at the right time when she was emotionally vulnerable. Before abandoning me she made up her mind that she no longer loved me, and she was paranoid, that me and my family were plotting against her (nonsense) and she kept blaming me for all the problems that me and her mom had.

I don't think she left you because of bad timing (i.e. "she was emotionally vulnerable" and "found this loser online while we were going through our arguments".  Another diagnostic criteria for this disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships... ." People with BPD (pwBPD) cycle through multiple relationships in a "pattern." The key qualities arethat their relationships are "unstable" and "intense."

from her arguments, around the time of leaving me, she made up her mind that i was going to leave her. she always lead me into circular arguments which got me frustrated and i would say i don't want to live with her and will divorce her, which triggered her further (abandonment).

Even if you didn't say anything to make her think you would abandon her, she would *still* think that you mean to abandon her.  PwBPD suffer from disordered feelings of fear of real or *imagined* abandonment.  She made up her mind that you were going to leave her and so she did what she thought would help her *avoid* being abandoned by you: which is to abandon you first.  The "logic" is: if she abandons you, then you cannot abandon her.

before leaving me, she was stressed about handling 3 kids and she would often talk about her dad who went missing 3 years ago in UK. she complained about how other people go on vacations, we don't. did she have a mental breakdown? or is this what she really wants? and this is the true face of BPD/Narcassism I'm seeing here?

The "true face" of BPD is that pwBPD cannot have stable and healthy interpersonal relationships until/unless they recover from their disorder first.  None of the specifics matter; she is going through the same cycle of behaviors that almost all pwBPD go through.

HELP me guys/ whats going on with... her behavior is sick and unladylike. is she mirroring the replacement? can't she see she is being used for sex? maybe she is in idealization and thinks this guy really loves her. maybe she is a sex addict herself.  

Her current specific behavior (sex/addiction/etc) is not the issue; for all I know, the next person she attaches herself to could be a pastor and she could become "born again" -- the trading of identities is part of the diagnosis.  The unstable and intense interpersonal relationship is part of the diagnosis.  The impulsive behavior is part of the diagnosis.

but to put on a show for everyone, knowing all her friends and family is watching her FB page and knowing i watch it too,, what is her purpose of doing it? whats the point when she lives with him?... btw, the replacement was worried that i wanted her back, so maybe he posts these things purposely to discourage me even thinking about taking her back. the guy is a straight homewrecker and i hope he will get his karma.  they also like each other posts (weird )

Maybe she doing it to get validation (from other people... .from strangers for all I know).  Maybe her current loved one is already feeling insecure about her instability (he should).  Maybe he is mentally ill also.  But don't discount that she has fed him a complete distortion campaign about who you are.  For all we know, he thinks you are a wife beater, serial cheater, whatever.  She may have given him sufficient reason to hate you.  The key thing is that he believes her.

So take care of yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[icesoul]

Hi icesoul,

One of the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder is "identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self." What I've noticed is that people with BPD (pwBPD) change who they are depending upon to whom they attach themselves.  This is why so many of us report that our BPD loved one was "perfect" for us, because for a while they change themselves to be so well suited for us.

yes the is so true. is this done consciously? or do they not know they are mirroring someone? she is actually acting like the guy writing many sexual online comments. all he does is post sexual perverted illustrations/jokes on his social media. and if she is mirroring him, may god help her. recently he was acting flirty with another woman in his comments hinting a threesome. i am very concerned at this moment, not only there are kids involved, but the lifestyle she started living, it comes with consequences (stds, self destruction impulsive sex) but i guess she is an adult. she should know right from wrong? or they don't?

I don't think she left you because of bad timing (i.e. "she was emotionally vulnerable" and "found this loser online while we were going through our arguments".  Another diagnostic criteria for this disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships... ." People with BPD (pwBPD) cycle through multiple relationships in a "pattern." The key qualities arethat their relationships are "unstable" and "intense."

she was emotionally intense, argued over little things that people don't usually argue about. i think i contributed though when i said if she don't change her behavior, i will divorce her. now that was not something i should have said, but she kept on pushing my buttons all the time. i don't know if the affair was starting cause she was feeling distant or not getting enough attention at home. ever since she posted a password on the phone, she was withdrawn, distant and mostly in a bad mood, she was never like that for first 5-6 year.

Even if you didn't say anything to make her think you would abandon her, she would *still* think that you mean to abandon her.  PwBPD suffer from disordered feelings of fear of real or *imagined* abandonment.  She made up her mind that you were going to leave her and so she did what she thought would help her *avoid* being abandoned by you: which is to abandon you first.  The "logic" is: if she abandons you, then you cannot abandon her.

actually i did say a lot that i will abandon her. like she would say, I'm leaving you and going back to my mom, id counter it with, well go then. and as soon as i confirm that i wanted her out, she would get furious, like watch how i will destroy your life now. you gave me all these kids and ruined my life. It was weird, cause she initiated the whole leaving me and if i agreed, then it created a new argument. she said you don't deserve me, then i would say well go and take your name of the lease, i didn't really spare her cause that just how i am. i wasn't very smart, cause i should of kept my cool but i was already so stressed from her arguments and dealing with kids responsibilities. but if she abandoned me first, isn't it not that painful for them? i wonder if she was detaching with me few months prior to dumping me.

The "true face" of BPD is that pwBPD cannot have stable and healthy interpersonal relationships until/unless they recover from their disorder first.  None of the specifics matter; she is going through the same cycle of behaviors that almost all pwBPD go through.

i thought BPD is incurable? or is it something with therapy that can be fixed? she seems a lot more than BPD. i think she is psychotic/narcassistic. she would tell me strange stuff, like someone knocks at our window when i leave home for grocery. maybe she didn't want me to go to groceries alone due to fear of being alone. it was so weird. if i went to a store 5times in a week to pick up stuff, she would go everytime. which got very strange after few years. she didn't let me go gym, or go out alone at all. she was overly possessive with me. i thought it was strange behavior, but i ignored it cause i was already few years deep in marriage, plus she had a lot of good qualities too so i focused on that.

Her current specific behavior (sex/addiction/etc) is not the issue; for all I know, the next person she attaches herself to could be a pastor and she could become "born again" -- the trading of identities is part of the diagnosis.  The unstable and intense interpersonal relationship is part of the diagnosis.  The impulsive behavior is part of the diagnosis.

yea she did a completely identify makeover. she has completely new Facebook friends. I'm sure they are just there for a show, i doubt she talks to anyone. another red alert was that all friends from her past/college life, she didnt have one single conversation with any, it wouldn't go pass hello, how are you. i guess she doesn't know how to interact with people. i didnt see not one loyal friendship. and the time she was dumping me, she added family members back on her social media that she didnt like, and vice versa, so that was even more strange. so basically what you are saying here, is that she is mimicking the guy she is with at the moment, so its not sex addiction but more like she is copying his behavior to fit in or win him through sex.

Maybe she doing it to get validation (from other people... .from strangers for all I know).  Maybe her current loved one is already feeling insecure about her instability (he should).  Maybe he is mentally ill also.  But don't discount that she has fed him a complete distortion campaign about who you are.  For all we know, he thinks you are a wife beater, serial cheater, whatever.  She may have given him sufficient reason to hate you.  The key thing is that he believes her.

her guy is definitely insecure, he knows i want her back cause i have too much invested (years,  kids) but i guess its too late. she could careless about me or this relationship any longer cause she is being used up by him like a cheap street woman. you are not the first person who told me that its possible he is mentally ill too. cause its so odd, that he picked up a woman from the interenet with too many kids to be lusting after. there is plenty of single women out there. he definitely thinks I'm a wife beater, and thats what he told a family member who was in touch with her previously.

So take care of yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

thanks for the insight.

[schwing]

yes the is so true. is this done consciously? or do they not know they are mirroring someone?

I think how conscious people with BPD (pwBPD) are aware of their own disordered behaviors depends. I think the greater they are in denial about their issues, the less aware, the more their behaviors are not consciously done.

I think some pwBPD assume that everyone behaves more or less like they do. And so "everyone" is fake. And in a sense they can also believe that anyone is capable of abandoning them because they themselves are capable to disconnecting so thoroughly from others in spite of lengthy relationships or intense emotions and apparent attachment.

i am very concerned at this moment, not only there are kids involved, but the lifestyle she started living, it comes with consequences (stds, self destruction impulsive sex) but i guess she is an adult. she should know right from wrong? or they don't?

They are considered (for the most part) legally competent -- they do understand right from wrong.  But they also exhibit impulsive behavior.  So even if they know something might be wrong, if their (disordered) emotions motivate them to do something, they will probably still do that thing. 

i don't know if the affair was starting cause she was feeling distant or not getting enough attention at home. ever since she posted a password on the phone, she was withdrawn, distant and mostly in a bad mood, she was never like that for first 5-6 year.

Trying to answer "why" a pwBPD experiences their disordered emotions is the same as asking why are pwBPD suffering from BPD.  I would argue that even if you behaved in the most forgiving and correct manner possible, she would still be experiencing her disordered feelings and those feelings may motivate her to abandon you before she could be abandoned. 

if she abandoned me first, isn't it not that painful for them? i wonder if she was detaching with me few months prior to dumping me.

This is the part that I think a lot of non don't get: pwBPD don't attach/detach in the same way that nonBPD attach/detach.  You see, your BPD loved one is deathly afraid of being abandoned, of being left first.  This is totally different from being afraid of no longer being with you.  If she leaves you first, she cannot be abandoned and so she has nothing to fear... .she has avoided her pain.

If a nonBPD disengages from a strong attachment, we go through separation pain, grief, et al.  More often than not we can't suddenly start a new relationship, or if we do, we still have to deal with the emotional consequences of the relationship that ended. And I suppose you could make the argument that nonBPD go through this because we do have object constancy.  Another way of looking at it is that we have our own identity and we recognize that everyone has their own identity.  When we detach from someone we grieve over the loss of that relationship.

For pwBPD, you could say they don't have a fixed identity.  And so in a sense for them (if they are in denial that something is wrong or different about them), then no one has a fixed identity because everyone must be like them.  So when they leave one person, and switch to another person, from their perspective they are still in a necessary relationship; they are getting what they need regardless of from which person they are getting it. No separation pain.

i thought BPD is incurable? or is it something with therapy that can be fixed?

You can recover from BPD but you have to motivated to do so.  If you don't want to face your issues, you can't recover.  Just like an alcoholic can't stop being an alcoholic but if they put in the effort, they can manage their issues in a way that their issues don't ruin their lives; they can stay sober.  A recovered pwBPD can learn to manage their emotions to the point that they don't have distorted thinking and healthy attachments -- or at least to the point that they cannot be clinically diagnosed as having BPD.

maybe she didn't want me to go to groceries alone due to fear of being alone. it was so weird. if i went to a store 5times in a week to pick up stuff, she would go everytime. which got very strange after few years. she didn't let me go gym, or go out alone at all. she was overly possessive with me. i thought it was strange behavior, but i ignored it cause i was already few years deep in marriage, plus she had a lot of good qualities too so i focused on that.

I would interpret all those behaviors as fear of (imagined) abandonment.  She was afraid each time that you if you were to go to the groceries or the gym, you'd leave her.  So by staying with you, she could stop you from leaving her.  This is different from being afraid of being alone.  More importantly, the way she described how she was feeling was (likely) different from how she actually felt.

yea she did a completely identify makeover. she has completely new Facebook friends. I'm sure they are just there for a show, i doubt she talks to anyone. another red alert was that all friends from her past/college life, she didnt have one single conversation with any, it wouldn't go pass hello, how are you. i guess she doesn't know how to interact with people.

She didn't know how to interact with those people while she was with you.  I suspect that when she isn't with you, she would interact with those people the way she used to interact with them before she was with you.  And I know if feels "fake" the way he is interacting with her "new" friends, but she is interacting with them now in her new identity.

i didnt see not one loyal friendship. and the time she was dumping me, she added family members back on her social media that she didnt like, and vice versa, so that was even more strange.

"unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by idealization and devaluation."  While she was with you (idealized you), she devalued these family members.  Now that she's devaluing you, she could switch to idealizing them. In other words, she no longer dislikes those family members.

so basically what you are saying here, is that she is mimicking the guy she is with at the moment, so its not sex addiction but more like she is copying his behavior to fit in or win him through sex.

She doesn't just "mimick" new behaviors in order to be with him or to get something from him; she "becomes" this other person, she takes on this new identity.  Just like she took on a new identity to be with you. But as far as you know, up to this point she's always been that person.  If you looked into who she was before she was with you, I'd bet you wouldn't recognize her then either.

[Rayban]

Are her Facebook postings public or private?

Either way DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY. Seems like she's trying to bait you into responding in some angry way so she could later use it against you.

My advice is stay away from social media all together at least until you've settled your legal issues. You'll end up burning your energy and mind trying to figure out what she is doing. Stay away concentrate on your kids, and prepare to battle with your priorities straight. 

[icesoul]

I think how conscious people with BPD (pwBPD) are aware of their own disordered behaviors depends. I think the greater they are in denial about their issues, the less aware, the more their behaviors are not consciously done.

you might be right, cause i told her one time she needed help, once i found this article on BPD. it was my fault just the way i brought it up, cause it probably made her feel rejected/inferior. cause she cried and said "even if you feel like something is not right with me, just don't say it" those words haunt me. i think she truly cared bout our marriage, i just didnt know what i was dealing with (the underlying BPD monster). I'm sure if i approached her the right way, she could of possibly gotten treatment before things got out of hand. i have my regrets but its reality

I think some pwBPD assume that everyone behaves more or less like they do. And so "everyone" is fake. And in a sense they can also believe that anyone is capable of abandoning them because they themselves are capable to disconnecting so thoroughly from others in spite of lengthy relationships or intense emotions and apparent attachment.

thats pretty deep stuff. how do you know so much? research? personal experiences? my wife left me like our last 7 years didnt exist, she refused to engage in any conversation. she has been giving me silent treatment for last 6months. for god sake we have 4 kids together. all she writes is about her sexual escapade wit her replacement on her Facebook. its truly sad to see, how she wrecked these 4childrens live without even knowing it. i think in her mind she believes she gave me enough chances already, thats what she told me when we were on the verge of the final breakup. it didnt make any sense, she sent me to jail, it was me who gave her a chance but their thinking works differently

They are considered (for the most part) legally competent -- they do understand right from wrong.  But they also exhibit impulsive behavior.  So even if they know something might be wrong, if their (disordered) emotions motivate them to do something, they will probably still do that thing. 

she was so bright, nice, caring, loving, i can't believe what I'm dealing with now is a person that hates me. so hard to digest, and heartbreaking someone with so much history just leaves out of your life. i wasn't an easy person to deal with, i made it difficult for her too, i can reflect back on my faults but I'm only human so i stopped beating myself up about what i could have done differently.

Trying to answer "why" a pwBPD experiences their disordered emotions is the same as asking why are pwBPD suffering from BPD.  I would argue that even if you behaved in the most forgiving and correct manner possible, she would still be experiencing her disordered feelings and those feelings may motivate her to abandon you before she could be abandoned. 

well in my situation. i was able to calm her down. once she got the craziness out her system, she would be back to normal. if i knew she was sick, i would have forgiven her or tried to be supportive, thing is i wasn't up on BPD. so i was so frustrated with her, like why do you act the way you do? whats wrong with you? and it turned into circular arguments with her denying it all and start giving me further silent treatments. i truly believe she waned to make the marriage work, i just couldn't handle the mood swings, cause i didnt know what were causing them. i think deep down she knew something was wrong. cause one point i suggested she talk mood swings homeopathic meds from whoolefoods, which she agreed. it actually worked. she just stopped taking it and went back to her normal no reason arguments and got worst

This is the part that I think a lot of non don't get: pwBPD don't attach/detach in the same way that nonBPD attach/detach.  You see, your BPD loved one is deathly afraid of being abandoned, of being left first.  This is totally different from being afraid of no longer being with you.  If she leaves you first, she cannot be abandoned and so she has nothing to fear... .she has avoided her pain.

i know what you mean, cause as much as she was getting ready to dump me. she was arguing i told her i was going outside and she threatened me with police. i guess it was fear of abandonment. her mom (borderline witch) was really fueling the fire between our arguments and she was triangulating. to prove her a point i started calling my family telling them about her mom (bad idea) is no good person, that really pissed her off. i think she lost trust in me and thought i was with my family against her, which wasn't the case. i was just trying to show her tough love (Again bad idea)

For pwBPD, you could say they don't have a fixed identity.  And so in a sense for them (if they are in denial that something is wrong or different about them), then no one has a fixed identity because everyone must be like them.  So when they leave one person, and switch to another person, from their perspective they are still in a necessary relationship; they are getting what they need regardless of from which person they are getting it. No separation pain.

its sad they don't have an identity, i see what you are saying. my soon to be xwife is behaving completely different, she got with a guy who is completely opposite of me. she now splitted me black. its so weird for example. now she said i an alcohol (i only drank 9-10 times in 7years), she herself posting pictures with alcohol how much she is enjoying and same for guy, he's always drinking  , she said i didnt work (i had home business), the guy has no job and is seriously broke. she said i was cheating on her to her family defending her infidelity (never happened), she cheated. list goes on and on. no separation pain? wow. ur right again. she met my family 2 months when she needed money. they asked her, I'm sure you thought about you're relationship, since she wanted to reconcile. she said not really, i was so busy, i didnt have time to think. What the heck?

You can recover from BPD but you have to motivated to do so.  If you don't want to face your issues, you can't recover.  Just like an alcoholic can't stop being an alcoholic but if they put in the effort, they can manage their issues in a way that their issues don't ruin their lives; they can stay sober.  A recovered pwBPD can learn to manage their emotions to the point that they don't have distorted thinking and healthy attachments -- or at least to the point that they cannot be clinically diagnosed as having BPD.

there were times she tried to make the marriage work when i layed strong boundaries, she did used to follow them first 6years. i wish i knew more bout the illness, she would of definitely went. but no more she has gone to the dark side, I'm some sort of a demon to her. she now calls me abusive, controlling, etc etc and the replacement is eating it up. i never knew a loving girl can turn into a monster overnight. 2weeks before leaving me she was threatening me, she was like you don't know me what I'm capable off, she was in a rage, she was like ill hurt you and make you suffer, along with many other stuff. i just didnt get it. i look at it, that she is just mad and she will get over it... she called the police 2nd time, and just abandoned me. again i wished i would of gotten her help. cause i hate to lose a good person, as much as she might of mirrored me, she was just a great and fun person to be with. i didnt mind she had flaws, but she had a lot of great qualities too... if i knew what i know now about the disorder, i would of definitely gotten her some help but its beyond my control now, all i can do is protect my kids.

I would interpret all those behaviors as fear of (imagined) abandonment.  She was afraid each time that you if you were to go to the groceries or the gym, you'd leave her.  So by staying with you, she could stop you from leaving her.  This is different from being afraid of being alone.  More importantly, the way she described how she was feeling was (likely) different from how she actually felt.

again i agree, everytime she sat in the car with me i would ask her, wow u must really love me that you come with me everytime, she was like its not for you that i come, i just never got it. now i see the fears that she had. she only had fear of abandonment, but i goto taste of being abandoned in the worst way possible. last month she was with me when we were arguing a lot. i noticed something odd about her, she was picking the skin on her arms from few different places, i guess maybe she was stressed out. never seen that before with her.

She didn't know how to interact with those people while she was with you.  I suspect that when she isn't with you, she would interact with those people the way she used to interact with them before she was with you.  And I know if feels "fake" the way he is interacting with her "new" friends, but she is interacting with them now in her new identity.

yea its weird, she has all these new people on her Facebook, none of them from her past, it appears to be very corny/fake conversation/comments she exchange on Facebook. she is definitely trying to talk like the guy. english is not her first language, its mind boggling to see her adapt to another culture, language, people, with total regards to her conservative values and self respect. her own family is calling her names, which is sad, i try to school them on the disease, but they don't believe me when i tell them something is not right with her... its almost taboo to talk about mental illness in our culture, people refuse to believe it, its sad but its ignorance.

She doesn't just "mimick" new behaviors in order to be with him or to get something from him; she "becomes" this other person, she takes on this new identity.  Just like she took on a new identity to be with you. But as far as you know, up to this point she's always been that person.  If you looked into who she was before she was with you, I'd bet you wouldn't recognize her then either.

she becomes the other person? thats scary, that guy is a complete loser and a pervert, so i can imagine how far she would be willing to go. its sad and scary cause she has 4 kids depending on her. i did check into her past, i talked to her college friends, they all told me, they knew something was not right with her mentally. she said in college, she used to tell friends, that she is seeing people, i think she must of been doing that for attention. she used to told me that she had an imaginary friends in school, i just took it as a joke, but i don't think she was playing. the girl has some deep rooted problems. i think she is more than a BPD, more like naracsistic and with psychotic symptoms.

[icesoul]

her Facebook is public. its weird, she knows everyone is watching, her family, my family, me. in the beginning, i used to tell her mom about her bad behavior, to get her to talk some sense into her,  but BPD mom is an enabler, she was blaming me for her infedility, she said you pushed her to that point What the heck? she posts stuff thats inapproriate, I'm sure she might be mirroring the guy. she did a complete identify shift she is into different music, clothes, everything is different.

her and the boyfriend, talk a lot of crap about me. one time the boyfriend used my picture to say I'm some woman beater, and he saved her and the kids from me and she is a victim (childish), i didnt engage cause i knew the loser BF was trying to bait me. i think he's worried cause he knows my family wanted her back cause we have kids and history. so he is trying whatever he can to get me out the picture. he would talk sexually to her on his Facebook, she does it too. he wrote to my sibling, not to contact her and was again accusing me of stuff she told him. the guy is a completely ignorant loser, he knows she deserve better. i can tell he has no self esteem. what he don't realize he already broke a home and has her all to herself, but he is still worried about me and I'm on his mind. no normal girl would of left her family to get with this guy, I'm sure he himself knows it. i sometimes think he's a PD himself, what kinda man would break a home with 4 kids and try to lust after a mother of 4... its just insanity

it definitely take away from my energy, her odd behavior. like for example today she posted, "never ignore person who loves you, cares for you and misses you, you might wake up an realize you lost the moon while counting stars"... that is so odd, that can't be for the guy cause she lives with him. i don't think she's hinting that towards me? cause she hate my guts... you can never tell what this woman is thinking anymore. i wish it was about me so i can bring her back so my kids could her parents together. but i know its wishful thinking. i been gave up on her 4months back. she never one reached out to me. she did once to my sister when she needed money/food/clothes. but and wanted to talk to me. i had a no contact, so i refused. but there is million ways she could of reached out to me like social media. i just didnt trust her, that could of been recording me and and try to put me in jail again. she done it twice so i wasn't taking any more chances, although her effort did appear to be sincere at that time.

no worries I'm defiantly focusing on my kids, custody and divorce are in the works, plus i have to beat my 2 cases. luckily i recorded her during her rages, so hopefully that would be enough to clear my name

Are her Facebook postings public or private?

Either way DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY. Seems like she's trying to bait you into responding in some angry way so she could later use it against you.

My advice is stay away from social media all together at least until you've settled your legal issues. You'll end up burning your energy and mind trying to figure out what she is doing. Stay away concentrate on your kids, and prepare to battle with your priorities straight.