A thought about change/growth (You and your BPD)

[Ahoy]

While I'm back on here for who knows how long, I thought I would quickly share a thought I had today.

I certainly hoped/dreamed that my BPD-ex would change her ways. That she would suddenly see the light and come back into my arms ready to fix who she was and we would both float along on a rainbow of healing and self discovery.

Of course that didn't come true, HOWEVER I most certainly have changed in this 14 months. It has been hard work, a real battle of introspection and discovery, really trying to analyse who I am, my past (FOO issues) and who I want to become.

I am not all the way there yet, but I can certainly see I have changed for the better. Once again, it's been bloody hard work. Sleepless nights plagued with self-doubt (and pity) and more than a few tears shed.

Now we ALL want (or wanted our BPD's) to change.

Think about your own change and personal growth. I for one am quite a logical, self-aware and rational person. And look at how and how much work this has taken me!

What chance does our BPD's have given the tools they are equipped with?

-Emotional immaturity
-A disorder that seeks to deny iteself
-Blame shifting and Projection
-The list goes on (and on, and on)

My point is. We can and will grow and change, but its undeniably a long and difficult process. Look at what our BPD's are up against given what they are equipped with.

This is why it appears to me that the reported "success" stories are so few and far between. Our growth requires us to climb a mountain, they are required to climb the same mountain at night, crawling with a 30KG backpack.

Focus on your own growth, don't wait on theirs.

[once removed]

ahoy, Ahoy 

i think youre very right that a personality disorder is a unique obstacle to introspection, self awareness, and change.

the picture is a little bit bigger though, for us, and for our exes.

50% of partners of someone with a personality disorder are disordered themselves (its actually nearly 56% of partners with someone with BPD). even more have traits. these are sobering statistics.

but its worth taking into account that the majority of our exes are not clinically BPD.

in other words, our struggles arent so different.

-Emotional immaturity
-Blame shifting and Projection

those are hallmarks of both partners in a "BPD relationship".

- codependency
- FOO issues
- personality disordered traits
- depression (cognitive distortions, and the ten forms of twisted thinking, like black and white thinking https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0)
- substance abuse
- sexual dysfunction (addiction, over-emphasis, whatever)
- poor boundaries
- intimacy issues

the list of things we have in common as partners is pretty long, and pretty arduous to overcome. im glad to hear youve made such progress, its an inspiration.

a wise member said it best: "good mental health is hard". change is hard. the most self aware of people have blind spots.

Focus on your own growth, don't wait on theirs.

youre very right. its about us now.