Long time coming... going

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This has been a long time coming... .even as I write this, I feel a little sick to my stomach. Anyway, my partner and I have been together for around 10 years. Just like so many others on this board, it's been a wild ride. Periods of love and mutual support, periods of what I would think of as 'normal' relationship trials and tribulations, periods of complete misunderstanding, periods of struggling to create and maintain boundaries, periods of inability to express needs (especially me), periods of blame and shame, and periods of one of us threatening to leave(usually me in a bout of overloaded emotional panic... .just want the arguing to stop) or telling the other to to leave.

I fear I'm having a very difficult time not focusing on the negative, red flags, problem areas, etc. of the relationship. 

We knew each other before we started dating. We were both a few months post breakup. I was very attracted to her intelligence, feistiness, and independence.  At this point, not really sure what she liked about me other than I had an 'interesting' job, could have intellectual or silly conversations, and we shared some similar interests. I also think she liked the attention (who doesn't?) and reassurance that I was there.

The problems began not long after what I believe was her allowing herself to consider our romantic potential, as well.  By this time, I was travelling for work... .a lot.  The long phone calls while I was gone, and very short amount of time at home when I was not travelling.  Disagreements over how much time  I was spending with her versus work, friends, family. Disagreement over me chewing. Disagreement over how much and whom I was having drinks with. Disagreement over my family and living situation. Disagreements over whether or not I was behaving selfishly. Disagreements over me refusing to argue for hours on end. Disagreements about whether I cared enough about her or respected her.

To be fair, I have a difficult time opening up and feeling vulnerable.  I certainly have my issues in regards to sharing in a relationship. I felt like whenever I attempted to express myself and needs, they would be swallowed up in her needs.  So I would usually internalize, and try to control her behavior through trying to pick and choose 'good times' to bring up topics likely to be confrontational. So yes, that didn't work well at all. My other go to behavior was to just agree or avoid the topic altogether, again to avoid what I felt was likely going to be another big argument. Again, completely not fair to her or me.

So for the first few years, I would say I had a toe out the door. I was not completely committed  to the relationship, but I couldn't let go either. By this time, I had sold my house and was living with her. Shortly after, I was offered a significant career opportunity out of state... .and her dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was going to take the job... .can't tell you how much it felt like an escape at the time... .my way out, since I couldn't muster the courage, will power, etc. to break up on my own, especially now that the emotional stakes and expectations were even higher. I couldn't even admit to this when I called her to tell her I was going to take the job. I feel guilty and ashamed writing about it now... .sigh... .Anyway, we argued on the phone, lots of guilt flying over the place, and I declined the job and stayed. At this point, I resolved to put all my effort towards committing to the relationship. That was my deal with myself to ward off resentment for a choice I made.

I worked with my bosses to allow me to stay home for several months, and be supportive to her and her family while they went through that tragedy. The following year, her grandmother was diagnosed and passed from cancer as well. I hate cancer. Strangely, while we were assisting her family, those were the times I think we were closest to being healthy. We still had drag out arguments now and then. A few times where I left for a little while to cool off.

Then the same old unresolved issues really started up again. Especially after she suffered from a major sports related concussion. I was still travelling a ton for long periods of time. Arguments over why I couldn't 'just take some time off. Do I have to be in the hospital  for you to care enough to come home?'. She began seeing a councilor. Eventually, she reached a crisis point. I arranged an emergency release for me to go home, and with the help of her mother persuaded her to self-commit in order to get some help from a psychiatrist in managing her meds.  The alternative was to wait for several months for an appointment. That was when I discovered this site, googling like crazy to make sense out of everything. I lurked for a while, but never participated. I read through all the tools and lessons, in particularly the ones covering communication skills. Eventually, things calmed down again for a while.

In the meantime, her health continued to decline. Eventually, she was diagnosed with MS. Super scary for her and me. The migraines continued to worsen, and longer periods of mental instability. At this point, I told myself, "Of course, yours would too after mild traumatic brain trauma and multiple sclerosis." I was only too happy to have a reason to cling to for why she was sometimes in a very bad way mentally and emotionally. An even bigger reason to be there for her as much as possible.

Maybe a year following her MS diagnosis, I began to have health issues of my own. My lower back herniated, causing me to switch to an office job. This was a struggle for me at first. A good chunk of my self-worth was tied up to my job, and the fear of losing it was strong. Thankfully, I was supported by my boss and was able to permanently transfer. I also started developing allergies and eczema. My partner was very supportive as well. Because of the change, my work travel was limited to maybe a two-week stint once or twice a year. By this time in my life, I was perfectly fine with this arrangement as well.

I still had to work long, mostly last minute shifts though. Wasn't long before this became the new struggle between us. Why can I take an hour for lunch today, but not tomorrow? Why do you have to do it? I began to feel frustration and resentment. I felt like I had to justify all my job related, as well as private life decisions to her. They were not valid unless they made sense to her, or it would be a decision she would make in my place. I tried to make sure she knew any plans for dinner, visiting family for a few hours, going to a work social, etc as much a head of time as possible. But if she was sick, I either felt guilty about following through with plans or she would sometimes ask me to stay. sometimes I would get passive aggressive responses... .'oh... .you're still going?' Trying to talk about these things, usually ended up with us arguing about everything that's been wrong with our relationship. Sigh. The thing is, when she was in what I think of as her more secure state of mind, she would encourage me to go do other things, visit friends, tell me to stay at work longer if I needed to. Those times have been coming less and less.

I really began feeling like I could rarely do anything right. Heaven forbid I forgot something. If I messed up an order when grabbing lunch or dinner on the way home from work, sometimes we would argue. Then I started hearing from her how she was very worried because I was so forgetful. If she was in a bad mood, I must be forgetting on purpose to spite her. So we argued over me forgetting to turn the back porch light off, forgetting to grab something that I said I would grab, forgetting to swing by the mailbox when leaving to run an errand, etc. To me, I thought these kind of memory lapses were normal. You know, go to another room and forget why you went there in the first place. Get busy or distracted with other events or even thoughts, forget incidental stuff. Finally, i got tired of feeling like I was a bad kid or something by forgetting something she had said earlier in the day. She brought up the forgetfulness problem. I got defensive. We argued. I left for a few hours, and googled forgetfulness just in case she was on to something about me. ADHD kept popping up. I have family with diagnosed ADHD.

When I got back, I apologized and said I did a little research into reasons people may be overly forgetful. She laughed at me and said I was just making excuses when I told her what I found out. Th I told her I was going to talk to my councilor about the possibility and maybe get neuropsych tested. By this time, I was doubting myself so much. I want to cry thinking about it. My councilor was supportive and ordered the test. So the night before the test, she decides it's imperitive we discuss some issues. When I assert my boundary of needing to not discuss relationship issues right before I go to bed... .well we argued... .well into the night until I freaked out and locked myself in my room. I was exhausted the next day when i took the test. Family and personal history, and significant disparity between attention monitoring tasks and other cognitive tests confirmed ADHD-mixed type. I still don't know in my heart if the results were like that because of ADHD or exhaustion. I decided to put my faith in the Psychologist knowing my sleep deprivation situation when evaluating the test. I felt sabotaged by my partner.

i've been seeing my councilor for close to 2 years now. I originally started seeing her as a means to help me cope and work through being a partner and a caregiver. I have since started to realize that I have been enmeshed and have lost myself in my partner and her issues. At first, I refused to even entertain, let alone voice the thought that I may need to leave. I could go on about other incidents, but I wont right now. Basically, I have been learning more about myself while learning tools and strategies to cope and help her. The more I learn though, the more I think I need to leave. We've been fighting more and more. This weekend, she requested we talk about some issues. I agreed. Asked to take a break after an hour. She said she just needed to get it out. Another couple hours, and I'm done for the day... .she wasnt. ARGUE. Next day, rinse and repeat. Finally I beg her to stop. She doesnt until we excalate into ARGUE. Monday, she has a severe migraine. I go to work anyway, and try to be supportive when I come home. Tuesday, as I'm asking her how her night was, she asked why I don't offer to stay home. Can't you see I'm very sick with migraine? I immediatley tense up and she notices. I start to react defensively, and she starts to tell me how insensitive, selfish, etc. I am. I grab my stuff and go to work. I'm so upset, I dont answer her texts for the first hour. She eventually calls and says she's worried about me because I didnt answer her. Why didnt I answer her. I tell her I'm fine. We'll talk later, won't do this while I'm at work. She sends text saying she's on her way to my office. I panic and leave. I eventually call her and am very upset. Tell her its was not ok to threaten to go to my office like that. She repostes with it's not ok for me to ignore her.  That is so frustrating! If I dont answer right away, she feels ignored and starts tossing acusations around. I finally blurt out that fine, I'm leaving for real. Final answer. Then its like the kind carrying partner came out... .she said she was going to offer that I stay at a motel for a few days. I agree after not backing down about coming home that night. Tomorrow, I have to talk to her. At this point, I really do think it is best for both of us, especially me, if I leave for good. So scared, sad, terrified, euphoric, grieving... .

Thank you for providing a safe place to talk

[tms3819]

This has been a long time coming... .even as I write this, I feel a little sick to my stomach. Anyway, my partner and I have been together for around 10 years. Just like so many others on this board, it's been a wild ride. Periods of love and mutual support, periods of what I would think of as 'normal' relationship trials and tribulations, periods of complete misunderstanding, periods of struggling to create and maintain boundaries, periods of inability to express needs (especially me), periods of blame and shame, and periods of one of us threatening to leave(usually me in a bout of overloaded emotional panic... .just want the arguing to stop) or telling the other to to leave.

I fear I'm having a very difficult time not focusing on the negative, red flags, problem areas, etc. of the relationship. 

We knew each other before we started dating. We were both a few months post breakup. I was very attracted to her intelligence, feistiness, and independence.  At this point, not really sure what she liked about me other than I had an 'interesting' job, could have intellectual or silly conversations, and we shared some similar interests. I also think she liked the attention (who doesn't?) and reassurance that I was there.

The problems began not long after what I believe was her allowing herself to consider our romantic potential, as well.  By this time, I was travelling for work... .a lot.  The long phone calls while I was gone, and very short amount of time at home when I was not travelling.  Disagreements over how much time  I was spending with her versus work, friends, family. Disagreement over me chewing. Disagreement over how much and whom I was having drinks with. Disagreement over my family and living situation. Disagreements over whether or not I was behaving selfishly. Disagreements over me refusing to argue for hours on end. Disagreements about whether I cared enough about her or respected her.

To be fair, I have a difficult time opening up and feeling vulnerable.  I certainly have my issues in regards to sharing in a relationship. I felt like whenever I attempted to express myself and needs, they would be swallowed up in her needs.  So I would usually internalize, and try to control her behavior through trying to pick and choose 'good times' to bring up topics likely to be confrontational. So yes, that didn't work well at all. My other go to behavior was to just agree or avoid the topic altogether, again to avoid what I felt was likely going to be another big argument. Again, completely not fair to her or me.

So for the first few years, I would say I had a toe out the door. I was not completely committed  to the relationship, but I couldn't let go either. By this time, I had sold my house and was living with her. Shortly after, I was offered a significant career opportunity out of state... .and her dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was going to take the job... .can't tell you how much it felt like an escape at the time... .my way out, since I couldn't muster the courage, will power, etc. to break up on my own, especially now that the emotional stakes and expectations were even higher. I couldn't even admit to this when I called her to tell her I was going to take the job. I feel guilty and ashamed writing about it now... .sigh... .Anyway, we argued on the phone, lots of guilt flying over the place, and I declined the job and stayed. At this point, I resolved to put all my effort towards committing to the relationship. That was my deal with myself to ward off resentment for a choice I made.

I worked with my bosses to allow me to stay home for several months, and be supportive to her and her family while they went through that tragedy. The following year, her grandmother was diagnosed and passed from cancer as well. I hate cancer. Strangely, while we were assisting her family, those were the times I think we were closest to being healthy. We still had drag out arguments now and then. A few times where I left for a little while to cool off.

Then the same old unresolved issues really started up again. Especially after she suffered from a major sports related concussion. I was still travelling a ton for long periods of time. Arguments over why I couldn't 'just take some time off. Do I have to be in the hospital  for you to care enough to come home?'. She began seeing a councilor. Eventually, she reached a crisis point. I arranged an emergency release for me to go home, and with the help of her mother persuaded her to self-commit in order to get some help from a psychiatrist in managing her meds.  The alternative was to wait for several months for an appointment. That was when I discovered this site, googling like crazy to make sense out of everything. I lurked for a while, but never participated. I read through all the tools and lessons, in particularly the ones covering communication skills. Eventually, things calmed down again for a while.

In the meantime, her health continued to decline. Eventually, she was diagnosed with MS. Super scary for her and me. The migraines continued to worsen, and longer periods of mental instability. At this point, I told myself, "Of course, yours would too after mild traumatic brain trauma and multiple sclerosis." I was only too happy to have a reason to cling to for why she was sometimes in a very bad way mentally and emotionally. An even bigger reason to be there for her as much as possible.

Maybe a year following her MS diagnosis, I began to have health issues of my own. My lower back herniated, causing me to switch to an office job. This was a struggle for me at first. A good chunk of my self-worth was tied up to my job, and the fear of losing it was strong. Thankfully, I was supported by my boss and was able to permanently transfer. I also started developing allergies and eczema. My partner was very supportive as well. Because of the change, my work travel was limited to maybe a two-week stint once or twice a year. By this time in my life, I was perfectly fine with this arrangement as well.

I still had to work long, mostly last minute shifts though. Wasn't long before this became the new struggle between us. Why can I take an hour for lunch today, but not tomorrow? Why do you have to do it? I began to feel frustration and resentment. I felt like I had to justify all my job related, as well as private life decisions to her. They were not valid unless they made sense to her, or it would be a decision she would make in my place. I tried to make sure she knew any plans for dinner, visiting family for a few hours, going to a work social, etc as much a head of time as possible. But if she was sick, I either felt guilty about following through with plans or she would sometimes ask me to stay. sometimes I would get passive aggressive responses... .'oh... .you're still going?' Trying to talk about these things, usually ended up with us arguing about everything that's been wrong with our relationship. Sigh. The thing is, when she was in what I think of as her more secure state of mind, she would encourage me to go do other things, visit friends, tell me to stay at work longer if I needed to. Those times have been coming less and less.

I really began feeling like I could rarely do anything right. Heaven forbid I forgot something. If I messed up an order when grabbing lunch or dinner on the way home from work, sometimes we would argue. Then I started hearing from her how she was very worried because I was so forgetful. If she was in a bad mood, I must be forgetting on purpose to spite her. So we argued over me forgetting to turn the back porch light off, forgetting to grab something that I said I would grab, forgetting to swing by the mailbox when leaving to run an errand, etc. To me, I thought these kind of memory lapses were normal. You know, go to another room and forget why you went there in the first place. Get busy or distracted with other events or even thoughts, forget incidental stuff. Finally, i got tired of feeling like I was a bad kid or something by forgetting something she had said earlier in the day. She brought up the forgetfulness problem. I got defensive. We argued. I left for a few hours, and googled forgetfulness just in case she was on to something about me. ADHD kept popping up. I have family with diagnosed ADHD.

When I got back, I apologized and said I did a little research into reasons people may be overly forgetful. She laughed at me and said I was just making excuses when I told her what I found out. Th I told her I was going to talk to my councilor about the possibility and maybe get neuropsych tested. By this time, I was doubting myself so much. I want to cry thinking about it. My councilor was supportive and ordered the test. So the night before the test, she decides it's imperitive we discuss some issues. When I assert my boundary of needing to not discuss relationship issues right before I go to bed... .well we argued... .well into the night until I freaked out and locked myself in my room. I was exhausted the next day when i took the test. Family and personal history, and significant disparity between attention monitoring tasks and other cognitive tests confirmed ADHD-mixed type. I still don't know in my heart if the results were like that because of ADHD or exhaustion. I decided to put my faith in the Psychologist knowing my sleep deprivation situation when evaluating the test. I felt sabotaged by my partner.

i've been seeing my councilor for close to 2 years now. I originally started seeing her as a means to help me cope and work through being a partner and a caregiver. I have since started to realize that I have been enmeshed and have lost myself in my partner and her issues. At first, I refused to even entertain, let alone voice the thought that I may need to leave. I could go on about other incidents, but I wont right now. Basically, I have been learning more about myself while learning tools and strategies to cope and help her. The more I learn though, the more I think I need to leave. We've been fighting more and more. This weekend, she requested we talk about some issues. I agreed. Asked to take a break after an hour. She said she just needed to get it out. Another couple hours, and I'm done for the day... .she wasnt. ARGUE. Next day, rinse and repeat. Finally I beg her to stop. She doesnt until we excalate into ARGUE. Monday, she has a severe migraine. I go to work anyway, and try to be supportive when I come home. Tuesday, as I'm asking her how her night was, she asked why I don't offer to stay home. Can't you see I'm very sick with migraine? I immediatley tense up and she notices. I start to react defensively, and she starts to tell me how insensitive, selfish, etc. I am. I grab my stuff and go to work. I'm so upset, I dont answer her texts for the first hour. She eventually calls and says she's worried about me because I didnt answer her. Why didnt I answer her. I tell her I'm fine. We'll talk later, won't do this while I'm at work. She sends text saying she's on her way to my office. I panic and leave. I eventually call her and am very upset. Tell her its was not ok to threaten to go to my office like that. She repostes with it's not ok for me to ignore her.  That is so frustrating! If I dont answer right away, she feels ignored and starts tossing acusations around. I finally blurt out that fine, I'm leaving for real. Final answer. Then its like the kind carrying partner came out... .she said she was going to offer that I stay at a motel for a few days. I agree after not backing down about coming home that night. Tomorrow, I have to talk to her. At this point, I really do think it is best for both of us, especially me, if I leave for good. So scared, sad, terrified, euphoric, grieving... .

Thank you for providing a safe place to talk

[Larmoyant]

Hi tms3819 and welcome to BPD Family   

It’s a good idea to organise your thoughts and feelings before you talk with her so I’m glad you posted. Reading through your post triggered many memories of the fear, obligation and guilt we experience in our BPD relationships. It sounds as if you’ve been swamped with FOG and maybe it’s time to put your needs and wants first. If you haven’t done so already it might be useful for you to check out the lessons on the Conflicted board as well as here. I’m sure they would help you. Let us know what happens and what you decide to do.