I believe my mother has BPD

[Nola0841]

Hello everyone,

I am 37 and a mother of 2 young boys. I have known since around high school that my mom was different and had to have some sort of mental disorder. She had bursts of anger that were unpredictable and could be plain nasty, especially when I didn't agree with her on something. She always has to be angry with someone. She focuses on one person and just tries to justify they are out to hurt her or are always mean to her. It was me for a long time, until my dad died last July. I then changed my thinking, because my dad was her only friend. She isolated my brother and I from all family growing up. I talk to my mom everyday and that is keeping me on her good side, and I'm not getting the blunt of her anger, but my brother is. Once my dad passed away, she expected my brother to take over for him (He did everything for my mom), and when my brother could not live up to her expectations she created this non existent problem with him and now basically hates him and his girlfriend (because in her eyes, he choose his girlfriend over her).
She is a hypocrite, spiteful, immature, childish, judgmental, controlling, vindictive, evil, conniving, paranoid, sneaky and a liar. I really need a group where other people understand and can give me advice. Trying to stay on her good side is so exhausting.  Thank you for listening.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Nola0841: 

I'm sorry about your mother's behavior and my condolences on the loss of your father.  People with BPD or BPD traits tend to have a feeling of abandonment when they lose someone and emotional times heighten their BPD behaviors.   

I talk to my mom everyday and that is keeping me on her good side, and I'm not getting the blunt of her anger 

It's likely just a matter of time before you face a situation that could put you on her bad side. 

Once my dad passed away, she expected my brother to take over for him (He did everything for my mom), and when my brother could not live up to her expectations she created this non existent problem with him and now basically hates him and his girlfriend (because in her eyes, he choose his girlfriend over her)

 
How is your brother handling this?  Even with a husband in the picture, women with BPD tend to look at their son's partners as threats.  Your mother probably would like to make your brother her EMOTIONAL CAREGIVER, as well as her handyman.

How is your brother handling all this?  Perhaps your brother might want to join you here.  It could be helpful for you to join forces to help each other understand what is going on with your mom and to set healthy boundaries for yourselves and to learn some communication strategies to use with your mom.

For starters, it could be helpful for you all to look over the following articles and workshops:
AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

Boundaries can be important for you.  They aren't for your mom, but for you and your sanity. It will be up to you to consistently enforce your boundaries with your mom.  As problems appear, the more quickly you establish a consistent boundary, the better off you will be.

Using Validation can make a difference, as well as various communication skills.  Check out the links below (click on the green words or green addresses).  There are, also, links to the right of this post, that lead to additional helpful information.

DON'T INVALIDATE
COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

If you want to share more of your story and share some specific examples, we might be able to guide you in applying some of strategy.  You can't change your mom, but you and your brother can make things better for both of you by using certain strategies.

We look forward to hearing more of your story.   

[Nola0841]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for responding with your advice. You are right about everything. She never took it out on my brother until after my dad died, before that she was always upset with me, especially once I became pregnant. So now that my brother sees this side of her directed at him, he does not even want to be around her. He is distancing himself as much as he can. She blames his girlfriend for this, of course.

I am struggling with feeling unloved, and feeling this way after my dad died. I thought everything was good between us and then after my dad died, I found their wills and they had written me out completely ( my mom uses money to hold over our heads). I confronted her about it and she lied to my face saying she never took me out of the will (Because she has threatened me with that before), then I told her I found the will and all she said was you were never supposed to see that. It's so evil that I would have found out after she and my dad were both gone and i would have been stuck wondering why for the rest of my life. Now she keeps telling me she's going to take my brother out ("because he's so mean to her", but then tongiht she says, i could never do that to him, he's my son. It's like she totally forgot she did it to me and I found out, I just want to say "what about me, you were able to do it to me?"

I just could never imagine treating my kids or doing the things to them that she has done to my brother and I.

Thank you for the articles. I really appreciate it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Nola0841:   

I am struggling with feeling unloved, and feeling this way after my dad died. I thought everything was good between us and then after my dad died, I found their wills and they had written me out completely ( my mom uses money to hold over our heads). I confronted her about it and she lied to my face saying she never took me out of the will (Because she has threatened me with that before), then I told her I found the will and all she said was you were never supposed to see that. It's so evil that I would have found out after she and my dad were both gone and i would have been stuck wondering why for the rest of my life.

Do you have any thoughts on why your pregnancy made things worse between you and your mother?  Were boundaries put in place to protect your child?

I can see how upsetting it must have been for you to have found the will and then to validate her lies.  So, it sounds like your dad was afraid to stand up to your mother.  Did your dad ever have your back and stand up for you? 

Is your brother aware of the will situation? 

Since your mother lies, it's hard to tell what she ends up doing with her will.  It could change a few times before her death.  Some women with BPD see every woman as a threat, even their own daughter.  That's so sad & I'm so sorry.   

[Nola0841]

Thank you. Yes, i believe she was really jealous of my pregnancy (I'm adopted and she could never have kids, so I think there is some resentment there). I also think she felt threaten that she had to share my son with the other set of grandparents (She was the only grandma in the picture with my niece). I don't think I set good boundaries with my first and it caused all kinds of issues with her. She watched me for me while I was working and that was horrible. She would threaten not to watch him anymore whenever she got upset at me.  She always wanted to control everything with him. I had her stop watching him because it was just toxic and unhealthy. She really believed I was trying to keep her grandson from her instead of realizing it was hurting our relationship too much. This is one of the main reason I believe she wrote me out of her will, (this and because her and my dad are not getting my kids if my husband and i die, that's in my will so I think she was being spiteful). I now have 2 boys and she only sees them when my husband or I are there with her.
 
My dad was very passive and just gave into her for everything. He enabled her for 50 years. He only took her side just to keep the peace, even when my brother or I were clearly right.He never told her she was wrong. It was very hurtful as a teenager and still is. 

Is your brother aware of the will situation?  Yes he was, (my mom told him after i found it) but my mom told him he was getting 100% and he told me not to worry, he would spilt it with me, but i told him that she lied to him. He was only getting 30%. His daughter was getting 50% (She's 20 years old and the favorite) and my boys were each getting 10%. I agree with you and think she's going to end up changing it multiple times and it's so frustrating and exhausting. I can see how see might see me as a threat because she has always favored my brother over me (Especially once i became a teenager), but once my niece was born when I was 16, she became their pride and joy and they took her away from my brother (He was 19, young and not ready to be a father) and raised her as their 3rd child.  It damaged the relationship between my niece and brother and I don't think it's repairable with how brainwashed my niece is from my mom.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi  Nola0841:   

Thanks for sharing more of your story.  Bio mothers with BPD can be horrible to their children.  The element of adoption, might have added an extra layer of twisted thinking with your mom.  The one positive is that you don't have to worry about your son's having her genetics.  It sounds like have been doing a good job of protecting your sons from the environmental influences of your mom.

Is your 20-year-old niece participating in the role of caretaker?  Is she living with your mom?

If you niece breaks away and shows some independence, she may be the new one painted black in the future.

The Survivor's Guide in the right hand margin might be something you want to work through.  It can help you process your feelings in regard to your mom.

Take care.   

[Nola0841]

Yes, thank you and thank goodness we are not blood related to her.  I'm try my best to protect my kids, but I'm still a little unsure of the boundries I need to set. I'll read the survivor reading now

My 20 year old niece has a room there but is only there maybe once a week (She goes to college an hour and a half away). She can do no wrong in my mom's eyes and it appears my niece only uses my mom for her money. She comes to visit her when she needs cash and my mom gives it to her everytime because she doesn't get any from my brother or her mother.

(If you niece breaks away and shows some independence, she may be the new one painted black in the future.). I don't think she will ever do this because she relies on my mom for everything. My parent's basically raised her.
Thank you again!