recovering child of a mother with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm hoping to find some people who understand what I'm going through.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. My childhood was a living hell as a result. I often feel like I'm straddling the line between villainizing her and just being honest about my experiences... .because she is not a terrible person, but she also traumatized me for life. She was volatile, unpredictable, and violent, prone to destroying property. She took a butcher knife to our sofa, drove her car into my stepfather's office building. When she was angry she berated me for hours and mocked my tears. When that was over, I would get the silent treatment for days. A few times she threatened to kill me, once she threatened to shoot me with my stepfather's shotgun. She drummed into my head that I was lazy, selfish, and irresponsible, and often told me that something was seriously wrong with me. Nothing I could do was ever good enough.

She married four times and two of those men were sexually abusive. To some extent a part of her knew I was being sexually abused at the time; I tried to tell her when I was 12, and she didn't want to hear it. Her defense is "I point blank asked you if he was molesting you!" -- which is true. What she leaves out is that my response was, "Are you happy?" I legally emancipated at 17 and when a counselor disclosed my sexual abuse to social services, my mother did not handle it well. She spent years still married to him, convinced I was delusional, and even tried to get power of attorney over me and my medical decisions when I was in college.

I'm 34 now, and last year I ended our relationship. I've taken breaks from her before, but this feels like the end. I'm ashamed about how it ended (I exploded into a flurry of rage-filled insults... .VERY atypical for me), but I know it had to end. Now I am just left picking up the pieces. I am filled with rage and grief. I love her so much. I really do. And I tried to make our relationship work. I tried to help her. My husband is a clinical psychologist and he sent her a bunch of resources on emotion regulation. She really tried. She got therapy, finally, and a diagnosis, but in the end, it wasn't enough. She expected me to remain silent forever about my past because it gave HER nightmares, which I tried to do, but she still kept trying to turn things back around on me. The last straw was after I had a series of seizures and was severely depressed, she freaked out over a polite, dissenting opinion I wrote on Facebook and said, "The next time you disrespect my need to feel safe, I will block you."

The... .next time... .  *I*... .disrespect HER need to feel safe.

It was too damned much. Pretending the past didn't happen is one thing, but I'll be damned if she makes me out to be a threat to her sense of safety, when all I have ever done is try to be supportive, unconditionally loving, and understanding of all that she has been through, and when I live every day with actual PTSD because of her treatment of me.

I don't typically have sustained anger toward my Mom but ever since this happened, I find myself screaming at her in my head over and over. Or sometimes I just break down crying. I have, and have always had, excessive amounts of guilt for abandoning her, or speaking badly of her, or being anything less than 100% understanding because of all she suffered in her own childhood. I'm starting EMDR next week for PTSD and the therapist says we need to touch on this rage, which scares me. Obviously I have some attachment issues that need dealing with. I should not feel in any way responsible for her happiness, but I do.

Anyway, it never occurred to me that there could be people out there that understand what this is like. I've always felt so alienated from other people when they talk about their families. And people rarely understand how you could love someone so much who has caused you such profound amounts of pain.

Thanks for listening.

[OceanMadness]

I'm hoping to find some people who understand what I'm going through.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. My childhood was a living hell as a result. I often feel like I'm straddling the line between villainizing her and just being honest about my experiences... .because she is not a terrible person, but she also traumatized me for life. She was volatile, unpredictable, and violent, prone to destroying property. She took a butcher knife to our sofa, drove her car into my stepfather's office building. When she was angry she berated me for hours and mocked my tears. When that was over, I would get the silent treatment for days. A few times she threatened to kill me, once she threatened to shoot me with my stepfather's shotgun. She drummed into my head that I was lazy, selfish, and irresponsible, and often told me that something was seriously wrong with me. Nothing I could do was ever good enough.

She married four times and two of those men were sexually abusive. To some extent a part of her knew I was being sexually abused at the time; I tried to tell her when I was 12, and she didn't want to hear it. Her defense is "I point blank asked you if he was molesting you!" -- which is true. What she leaves out is that my response was, "Are you happy?" I legally emancipated at 17 and when a counselor disclosed my sexual abuse to social services, my mother did not handle it well. She spent years still married to him, convinced I was delusional, and even tried to get power of attorney over me and my medical decisions when I was in college.

I'm 34 now, and last year I ended our relationship. I've taken breaks from her before, but this feels like the end. I'm ashamed about how it ended (I exploded into a flurry of rage-filled insults... .VERY atypical for me), but I know it had to end. Now I am just left picking up the pieces. I am filled with rage and grief. I love her so much. I really do. And I tried to make our relationship work. I tried to help her. My husband is a clinical psychologist and he sent her a bunch of resources on emotion regulation. She really tried. She got therapy, finally, and a diagnosis, but in the end, it wasn't enough. She expected me to remain silent forever about my past because it gave HER nightmares, which I tried to do, but she still kept trying to turn things back around on me. The last straw was after I had a series of seizures and was severely depressed, she freaked out over a polite, dissenting opinion I wrote on Facebook and said, "The next time you disrespect my need to feel safe, I will block you."

The... .next time... .  *I*... .disrespect HER need to feel safe.

It was too damned much. Pretending the past didn't happen is one thing, but I'll be damned if she makes me out to be a threat to her sense of safety, when all I have ever done is try to be supportive, unconditionally loving, and understanding of all that she has been through, and when I live every day with actual PTSD because of her treatment of me.

I don't typically have sustained anger toward my Mom but ever since this happened, I find myself screaming at her in my head over and over. Or sometimes I just break down crying. I have, and have always had, excessive amounts of guilt for abandoning her, or speaking badly of her, or being anything less than 100% understanding because of all she suffered in her own childhood. I'm starting EMDR next week for PTSD and the therapist says we need to touch on this rage, which scares me. Obviously I have some attachment issues that need dealing with. I should not feel in any way responsible for her happiness, but I do.

Anyway, it never occurred to me that there could be people out there that understand what this is like. I've always felt so alienated from other people when they talk about their families. And people rarely understand how you could love someone so much who has caused you such profound amounts of pain.

Thanks for listening.

[Drained2017]

I'm not great at giving advice and definitely struggle with putting things into words, but I just wanted to respond and thank you so much for sharing. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time, and for what you went through as a child. So much of what you said mimics my exact feelings in my own situation. Rage and grief -- a perfect way to describe it. I have been feeling very torn for the same reasons. I am so angry at her, but also feel grief, sadness, and guilt.

Anyway, it never occurred to me that there could be people out there that understand what this is like. I've always felt so alienated from other people when they talk about their families. And people rarely understand how you could love someone so much who has caused you such profound amounts of pain.

I have always felt such awe and jealousy toward my close friends when they talk about their families, or when I've witnessed the interactions they've had with their mom at baby showers or their weddings. Then now as I've tried to explain to them the pain I'm going through and why I'm not talking to my mom. They act sympathetic, but I know they don't understand. They don't realize that it isn't just as simple as picking up the phone and calling. That sometimes you can't just "be the bigger person" anymore.

[Turkish]

. I often feel like I'm straddling the line between villainizing her and just being honest about my experiences... .because she is not a terrible person, but she also traumatized me for life.

OM,

Can you believe that she is not a terrible person but also see that she did terrible things,  including not protecting you from sexual abuse?

It's natural to feel some positive feelings towards someone who hurt you.  Centering these feelings by accepting both the pain and also the love can help ground you,  and I'm glad that you are seeking professional help.  This aspect was worrisome given my daughter's positive feelings towards her uncle who also touched her inappropriately.

Every person deserves to be safe.  You cut contact in order for you to be safe.  Many of us struggle with this decision.  These are our only parents after all.  You are taking the right steps in order to heal.  We will also support you here 



Turkish