It's Time - Huge Week Ahead...

[DaddyBear77]

I've decided that on Monday, after D3 gets dropped off at preschool, I'm going to sit down and have a talk with my pwBPD.

I've decided to broach one or two topics:
Topic 1: I will tell her that I have a relationship with my family of origin. I will also tell her that I intend to maintain that relationship indefinitely, and will have regular, one-on-one private conversations with them.
Topic 2: I will tell her that my intention is to explore EVERY option, THIS WEEK, in regards to managing our financial situation. This is to include all options, up to and including bankruptcy.

Full stop.

Now, I'm also considering bringing up some other points if and when they're appropriate to the conversation flow, but should I?

 - I am willing to elaborate on the kinds of interactions I intend to have with them, but I am not willing to discuss the content.
 - She is welcome to establish and maintain a relationship with them directly, and she can ask any questions or explore any topic that she and my parents, brothers, or sisters in law wish to engage with her on.
 - Our D3 will benefit from having stronger familial connections, including connections to my family of origin. My strong preference is us to maintain a strong co-parenting relationship and come to mutual terms on this, but if not, I am prepared to act unilaterally if and when the opportunity arrises.
 - I am prepared to follow all guidelines, and adjust our family finances, as required by the situation we are in.
 - If living on a tight budget is what is required, I will follow that budget strictly. I will not like it and I will not be happy to do so, but I am MUCH LESS happy about the phone calls, collection agencies, and pending lawsuits against me.


Should I go into this detail? Or should I just have these in MY head to help bolster me during what is sure to be THE most difficult conversation ever.

DB

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[Notwendy]

I don't know if your wife is the person you need to talk to.

I think you need to talk to yourself- to feel confident that it is OK to have a relationship with your family, and take care of your financial situation- and that you don't need to explain this to anyone.

I understand the importance of not being deceitful, but there is also a balance in what needs to be run by a spouse and what does not.

I don't need to explain that I have a relationship with my family. I just do. So does my H. It is a given. Now, if one of us went out of town for several days to visit family- I think that needs to be discussed. But I do not explain or declare that I am going to pick up the phone and talk to a family member.

I do have to be responsible for the family budget. In the situation where agreement isn't possible, and it comes down to survival, I don't think this requires explanation.

It comes down to self care. I think once we realize that we have the right to take care of ourselves- whether someone else likes it or not, married or not - we approach this with a different attitude.

Considering the dynamics in a relationship with someone who has BPD- I don't know how effective the discussion you have in mind is going to be. She isn't going to like it. The potential for you JADEing and it being a circular argument that results in you giving in just to keep the peace seems very high.

Do we need to discuss/get permission/understanding from a spouse for self care? This is a difficult line when there are weak boundaries. I don't believe that self care needs to be justified. Do I need permission/explanation to take a shower, brush my teeth, eat breakfast? No, that is a given. Being able to speak to your family is a given too.

Have you seen consultants to help with the financial issues you have? I would start there, and then have a firm plan. Then, the conversation is- " I have met with consultants and decided this is the plan- and that is that". Yes, she will be upset- but privilege comes with responsibility. Your wife is not reliable with finances. She hasn't earned that. Yes, there is the legal aspect of joint assets in marriage- but this is where you discuss this issue with a consultant first.

Should you go into detail? I will ask you this- since when has pleading your case, going into detail- worked for you and your wife?

What is the result of not taking  a stand for self care? I can give you an example. On outings with my father, if I asked him for anything, his reply was that we had to ask my mother for permission. It didn't matter if it was something small- like a new record at the store that cost a couple of dollars, or large- such as college tuition. My father was not allowed to buy/give me anything unless she approved- and he was the only wage earner.

In the era of cell phones- if I went out with my father, he had to check in with her every few minutes, if not she would call. If we wanted to do anything it was "ask mother first".

I say this now because today it is your relationship with your FOO, but that little D3 will grow up. If you can not fully believe that spending time with your FOO, making some of your own decisions is essential to you- with or without her agreement- then it may not happen.

[Grey Kitty]

First off, I agree that it is time for some changes in both areas, finances and isolation from your FOO.  Seeing your resolve to act, despite your fears and concerns is a big step, and I want to encourage that too.  I'd suggest a bit more planning first, though:

There are two ways to address issues with a pwBPD:

• Boundary enforcement--use this when you can take all the actions needed to accomplish your goals, whether she likes it or not. For this, all you have to do is take the actions, and protect yourself when/if she blows up/dysregulates. Even telling her about the changes before you do them is optional(!)
• Negotiation--when you need her cooperation, and need her to take actions in order to get what you want. This is harder, and calls for different communication techniques.

Topic 1: I will tell her that I have a relationship with my family of origin. I will also tell her that I intend to maintain that relationship indefinitely, and will have regular, one-on-one private conversations with them.

The only part of this you need to negotiate here is D3 spending time with your FOO; I'd recommend saving that for later unless there is a chance on its way that you have to plan for.

Your choice whether you tell her now, or wait to tell her the next time she launches into either an attack on your FOO, or interrogating you about whether you saw them.

Topic 2: I will tell her that my intention is to explore EVERY option, THIS WEEK, in regards to managing our financial situation. This is to include all options, up to and including bankruptcy.

Which category is this one in? If you can control access to family income (because you earn most or all of it), credit cards (are they joint, or individual?), savings (I'm assuming those are non-existent), and retirement funds, you don't have to negotiate with her; you can enforce boundaries, limiting her ability to spend money, to protect your financial health.

My last bit of advice is this--Don't kitchen sink her with everything at once. Pick one big issue and address it. When things settle down a bit, you can do another one in a week or a month.

[Notwendy]

Another bit of advice in addition to not kitchen sinking is to also note that once she dysregulates, she probably can not comprehend what you are saying. Also pay attention to you own feelings- if you are agitated, then you aren't communicating. At this point, a time out- stop the discussion is better than to continue.