Recycled and back to square one

[Figuringitout78]

I haven't posted on the site for a while because I thought I'd managed to pull myself back from the brink. I was 3 months no contact from my exBPDgf. Like many of the people on this site, I had been recycled numerous times in short spurts but the last break up seemed particularly traumatic and I had no doubt I was painted blacker than black - I never expected to hear from her again. I had heard that she had moved on and Inhad started to see the light through the trees of gloom. Like others on here somewhere deep inside I was hoping for a recycle attempt but I hoped I would be strong enough to deal with it. I had literally gotten  to the point where I had started to enjoy things again and she was no longer the first thing in my mind when I woke up in the morning or when I went to sleep at night. I believed I had conquered it and though I had no doubt there would be fleeting moments of dull ache - I no longer cared what she was doing or who she was with. It was suddenly when I had hit the realisation of that point that she suddenly reappeared.

It came out of the blue at a point where I actually thought I was free and had come to terms with the awful way that I was treated. It started innocently enough as a blunt text message wishing me all the best and saying she hoped I was ok. Of course I Ignored the message and carried on as I had before. Then gradually over the course of 4 weeks I got around 7 messages. They started innocently enough, becoming a bit more aggressive as I continued to ignore them. I had read the stories on here, I knew the realities, I wasn't going to go back no matter how strongly I felt for her, I didn't want that craziness and fickleness in my life again. Then came the message that sucked me in... .the long  drawn out extremely emotional message about how she had fallen apart since we split up, how some bad things had happened to her, how she really needed to hear from me etc. How she was broken. For some reason I felt that this last message was honest and real and even though I despised her and what she did  to me, I felt sad that she was in so much pain and I couldn't being myself to turn my back on her. Someone had said to me a few weeks before - "your a good person, stay a good person, don't let her destroy your humanity" and that was my problem. Here I was at last with the power In my hands to make her feel every bit of pain I felt when she destroyed me, and make no mistake she didn't just come into my life and break my heart, she destroyed me and every bit of self confidence I had. But even though all that had happened I felt like I couldn't turn my back on her, like it wasn't right. And either way if I didn't respond I could see that she just wasn't going to stop! So I responded and this lead to us meeting. When we met she apologised for everything that had happened, she cried her eyes out and told me how destroyed she had been. She told me she needed me and asked if I still loved her, and if there was anyway back for us. If we could just start again and get to know each other, and see if we could make it work now she had sorted herself out and knew what she wanted.

Despite everything I'd read and everything I knew about BPD, (something which in the course of our conversation when we met she admited she'd been diagnosed with but didn't think she had), I still found myself taken in by it. Suddenly the girl i first met was back, suddenly she was saying everything I wanted and needed to hear. I was drawn in again and even though I was so weary I couldn't walk away from her even though I knew I should. I told her I couldn't make any promises but let's hang out and see. Before I knew it, we were back to her calling me 6 times a day, every morning when she woke up and every evening before she went to bed. She apologied for everything including all the put downs, lies and bad comments and promised me she would stop trying to pick out my faults and devalue me. She couldn't of been any more consumed in me again - I know I got lovebombed now, but suddenly it was like there was a chance again and I was back considering it.

Long story short - it lasted about 14 days until the comments slowly crept back in. Until the mini silent treatments started again, until she started to back track on the things she said when stalking me with messages, or she even claimed to of forgotten thalf the things she said when we met. Sometimes she would deny that she even said them. I thought I had the tools now to deal with it - but it's like everyone whose been recycled says, you can't deal with it, it's a cycle that you can't get out of, once they start the devaluation again and start all the same games, you can not win. There are never any right answers or correct ways out. After one phone call where she started to critique me again once again with comments regarding how I looked etc. I made a decision to try and do what I was unable to do last time and set some boundaries. I called her back and very nicely and politely told her that if she really wanted this to work then I really need her to stop the bad critiques of me and criticisms about me and the way I look. Instead of setting a boundary she went of the scale as if I had just tried to kill her or something. Apparently she should be able to say what she likes, she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells with me, I'm too sensitive, immature and a child. It went on and on. Without going into specifics - this ended up creating 2 days of her giving me the cold shoulder, followed by us going on a date night where she out of the blue lost the plot with me in a restaurant, in which she denied she had ever messaged me continuously, denied ever wanting me back or wanting  to try again, told me that I was an evil, immature child, that she was more popular than me and a better person than me. Accused me of making her feel like the devil and said that everything that had gone on over the last few weeks was on my head. That I have myself to blame for answering her messages and should take ownership of it (even though when we first met she told me that she wouldn't of stopped until I answered and was planning on waiting outside my workplace next), she told me she wasn't attracted to me and I didn't make her smile or laugh. She basically spent 30mins telling me what an awful person I was. She then walked out on me telling me that she would delete my number and never speak to me again. All while I was sitting there in shock trying to work out what the hell was going on. I had ridden everything for 3 weeks, and even that night stayed largely relaxed silent - but this had all been brought in by a 4 minuets conversation when I tried to set a boundry with her.

So here I am again - right back where I was before. 7 days back into NC. Forced upon me once again and once again playing everything over and over in my head. Trying to work out how it suddenly went from me being the person she loved and let slip away, the person she hounded into takeing her back with promises she was different and it would be different this time. The guy she was so attracted to and couldn't stop thinking of  - to overnight becoming the guy she depsised again, she didn't see a future with and isn't attracted to. Worse than that she has reneged on everything she said and promised - to the point she has denied knowledge of saying half the things she said, even when I sent her back the whatsap messages - which only caused me to get the classic "well that's how I felt at the time" line ... .and "you shouldn't believe everything I say" line.

So why am I writing this - two reasons really. The first is I need some sort of encouragement to pick myself back of the floor this second time. To make myself believe that I'm not the person she's making me out to be and for someone to remind me that I can get through this - because I really have been knocked straight back to where I was 4 months ago. The other reason is to warn others - the ones like me who deep down are praying for a recycle - don't allow it. Know matter what your fairytale is - people with BOD can not be consistent with their thoughts and feelings. They are fickle and they become obsessed. Once the obsession is satisfied they are on to the next obsession. They hunt for perfection believing that it will fill this gaping whole inside then - without realising that perfection doesn't exist. And when they realise that you are not perfect, because no one is, they go on the hunt for the next perfect thing. It wasn't about me and what I needed, like it won't be about you no matter how much you want to believe the things she/he says to you. It only ever about them, and whatever fix they need. Trust me from someone who thought he could handle it -from someone who thought he would now have the skill set to deal with it. You can't. The real them soon appears again.  the only way to handle it is to realise that these people can't be saved, they are past saving. And that you are worth more.

Even as I wrote those words - I know that right now that's not how I feel. Right now I'm devastated all over again. But I know I can get back to where I need to be.

Do not let yourself be recycled whatever you do

[allienoah]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain once again. It really hurts deeply to get sucked back in and then discover that nothing has really changed. I am on the brink of walking away. I have recently started enforcing my boundaries, and am trying not to get involved in long discussions about why my bfwBPD is feeling insecure or hurt. I of course know he is by his tone of voice. He really is trying to go along with me, but I know the volcano is ready to erupt. And that's ok, as he can't help it. I pray, though, that this time, I really can place his anger where it belongs and keep what sense of self I have been working so hard to regain.
Don't be hard on yourself, and try to say positive things to yourself. it sounds silly but it does work.
We are all here for you to support you... .

[Pretty Woman]

This happened to me too.

You put this beautifully, friend. She said everything you wanted to hear, especially about the putting the past behind and starting over.

In a "" normal relationship there may have been a chance, but this is a relationship with a BPD recycler.

My ex left me for about 4mo NC. She came back every time except this last. It's been 2yrs and she is with the person she left me for. I still have moments where I wish she would call or text, just to prove it isn't me (I know how you feel) but you just got that and look what happened!

I'm sorry you went through that but now you know. I am confident you won't fall for another attempt. Reading this made me realize I am lucky mine hasn't contacted me. I would likely do exactly what you did if she said the right thing.

Thank you for posting this. I know you are hurting but you are on the right track. Forgive yourself for the slip up. We are human.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Figuringitout, We've all done it (well, most of us), so join the recycle club.  Don't beat yourself up!  Instead, suggest you chalk it up to experience.  Figure out why it happened (again) and you will be on the road to recovery.  In the meantime, suggest you be kind to yourself.

LuckyJim

[blueblue12]

I feel for you and I have to tell you I understand exactly what happened to you as it also just happened to me! The same way almost the same words... .She left me, I went NC, two months later after she sent me sad messages, missed me so much, something bad happened to her, I was the best ever, she needed a couple of bits from me could I send them, etc, etc... .with the advice of my T I just wrote saying "here are the things you required, I wish you all the best"

BAM! The texts started coming fast, she needed to see me asap! Life was so bleak, it was dark, it was horrible, could we start again, a new life, etc, etc... .this went on for a week, well I decided to meet her. At the encounter she held me for about ten minutes crying uncontrollably. We had a great first day, she was like the best in the world, sweet, loving, incredible... .after a few more encounters things started to crash a bit, little arguments here and there, you know the path, always the same, just as my friend here Lucky Jim had warned me. Hey Lucky I fell for it but you knew already!

I just thought, wait this is the same stuff, the same woman, nothing has changed, I started to walk on egg shells again! So after a few more encounters I went a little quiet and after sending her a message explaining her character and how badly I was really treated towards the end of our relationship she went cold.

Haven't heard from her for about a week. And I must say I am going into NC again as it is the only thing that works. Been around long enough, getting the little crumbs doesn't quite work for me anymore. Have been through that already and I don't want that ever again. So I am going quiet and will probably not answer any texts any longer either if she writes. The only thing is I need is to get divorced, still married to her... .

[BlackHoleSun]

Hey mate!

From your description, it sounds far more likely that you are dealing with a highly manipulative Narcissist. Where you the first person to mention BPD or did she first bring it up? Did you ever tell her you thought she might be BPD?

I'm guessing that whoever she was seeing was providing her with Narcissistic Supply and she may have also been attempting to trauma bond you. She possibly lost that supply so returned to you, or returned so she could punish you for ignoring her. That's another thing that points towards her being a Narcissist - they HATE to be ignored. The majority of people with BPD I've encountered do the opposite. They're more likely to shutdown to protect themselves from being hurt and cut and run. They certainly don't push buttons in the way you're describing with your ex. They're reactive. You're describing someone that sounds like they've analysed your weaknesses and are now taking sadistic pleasure in hurting you, belittling you and seeing you in pain.

[g2outfitter]

We were together for 2.5 years... .apart for 3 months... .then back together for 6 months. 

Like Figuring said, for those of you going to bed at night praying for a recycle... .start praying for something else.  I assure you, it's not what you want, at all.  All a recycle does is delay or re-start the detachment.

I've had relationships in the past in which I would say to myself... .if I could just go back in time to correct our mistakes then it would have all worked out.  Whenever the illogical part of my brain creeps into that mindset now... .my logical part pops up and says "Why, so you can re-live the same nightmare?  So you can further delay finding that truly special someone who can appreciate and reciprocate your love?  Why do you want that?  Do you really want to be back here again in six months?"  She was a very high functioning pwBPD and we had great times but her relationship expiration date was 2 years.  Was married 4 times by the age of 35.  That trend will continue - she cannot change her spots.

There's was nothing I could have done to alter the outcome... .nothing.    The exact same thing can be said for 99.9% of everyone on this forum.

Recycle paper, aluminum, steel, plastic, glass... .the choices are many.  Just don't recycle yourself!  You're worth more than that and you deserve better!

[Wits End Woman]

Wow, I was shaking when I read your post.  It's happened so many times in my experiences and I still think 'what ifs' to this day.  Then I have a conversation with mine (because we have children together)  and I remember why I left.  It's so hard to walk away and never look back.  One thing that has helped me in weaker moments was to save some of the mean and ugly messages that he's sent, or to save some good BPD quotes in the notes section of my phone.  When I get the urge to give in, I read those messages and snap back to reality.  Wish you all the best and stay strong! 

[happendtome]

The point is that they dont want you back, they want to prove for themselves that they can do it. So when you are not replying, they get turned on. They start to go further and further to just to get that answer what would satisfy them. They want to hear you to say "i love you", "you are the only one" etc. That will give them a boost and confidence that they are desired. So when you are going back then you will only feed their ego. They start to feel superior again and they feel that they dont need to settle with you anymore (you are always there if things go wrong, you are orbiter), that there are better options. Thats how it is. I remember in my own life how i was always questioned that why i dont say "i love you" so often. In my culture and in my land we say these things rarely (though nowadays these words are becoming more and more devalued everywhere). So when i finally started to say "i love you" more often then guess who stopped saying these words. Right, my ex.

So when you are answering to them, you need to be healed already. And then you cant talk about personal things. You could only say that yes, i care about you, but we are not meant to be together or smth, you have to give firm answer that things between you two are finished. But you have to be very healed and strong to reply these things, otherwise they will suck you back as they may get more turned on to hear your cold answers. So take time for "no contact", you will get healed.

[KtotheK]

Woh ... .the same experiences over and over! Together just over a year then one day my suspected BPD ex blamed me for the whole relationship going wrong. I had been recycled before this point ( didn't realise at the time). She walked out never to be seen again. 1 text message approx 2 months later ... .I ignored it ( how I don't know). 9 months later bumped into and then a bombardment of texts how much of a mistake she had made ... .if I could give her just some of my time for her to explain. I ignored again ... .then 'I'm going to stop texting cos I dont want to annoy you and not because I'd ever give up'

Cue being sucked in! 3 months together again and then left again! And I was a mess alllll over again and it hurts so much 
So figuringitout78 - we have all been there and you must not beat yourself up ... .pick yourself up, dust yourself down and know YOU ARE WORTH MORE! I am once again rebuilding too ... .we can do it ! Everyone on here ... we can all do it! Be kind to yourself please

[marti644]

Thanks for sharing Figuring, don't be too hard on yourself, you really cared about her and it's too bad she will not accept that she needs help.

She's sick and even though she does care about you in the only way she knows how she is highly disregulated and can't control herself. Rebuild and move on my friend, you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, loyalty, and commitment. That will never be her no matter how hard you try. You now know for certain the lessons you have learned here on BPD, so keep strong, NC if you feel it's right, and work on yourself. You're alot stronger then you think.

[Figuringitout78]

Thanks everyone for the comments - I don't know what to say. At the moment I'm in a complete state of shock again. I'd gotten on with my life and pulled myself back together. I felt good and I felt strong when the texts started. I think the thing that hurts most was that I was in a position to just destroy her like she had done to me many times in the past, but instead when she said she really really needed me, I was there for her. While she cried I hugged her. I gave her the time she needed, I was patient and understanding. I made no promises but I agreed that I would open up to her again if she meant what she said and really had changed. I realise now she was on at a low point within herself and she was just using me to feel good about herself again. She didn't care about me really, she couldn't of because once I started to let her back, she proceeded to tear me down once again and destroy me and every bit of self respect I had built back up. I keep wondering how someone that I looked after when she really needed me could 360 suddenly and not give me the time, patience and understanding I gave her when she really needed it. I'm back to being a shell of who I am - I feel like the crazy one like I imagined her texting me non stop and begging me for another chance. She makes out I imagined it all and I feel like I'm going mad. It was such an uphill struggle for me last time to get over it all, I don't know if I can do it again. I'm obsessing and replaying stuff in my head, looking for the point it 360'd suddenly again and trying to work out how with all my knowledge of BPD now why I couldn't control it any better this time. The worst part is she's convinced me I'm no good, I'm not nice enough, strong enough of attractive enough - I feel like she's a better person then me and once again I've lost her. Really trying not to be negative but I'm so lost in it all again. And the worst part is deep down I knew I shouldn't of let her back in because there will never be consistency there. Doesn't matter if she was getting the best help in the world - how can I have a future with someone who could tell me she loves me every day for 6 months/a year/2 years - but could then wake up and just change her mind and be another person. Where we could be deeply in love but have an argument over something simple and at that point she no longer wants to speak to me ever again. I think my problem is that even though I know she's not well - I am also in denial of it. I wanted to pretend that she doesn't have BPD, NPD or whatever - because then it feels like the things she said she meant and really felt. Acknowledging it means that I have to accept that she feels very little for me - I am just something for her to feed her ego off of, and possibly one of many. I guess I also wanted to believe that love, pure proper love can overcome anything - that even with a mental illness you can touch someone deep inside so powerfully that they want to be better and get better for you. I wanted to believe I was the real love of her life I guess. I'm starting to ramble a bit! But my therapist reminds me that I am not a psychiatrist and can't give her the help she needs. Also that I need to stop living in a fairytale where she wakes up and so in love with me it beats this illness and she changes for ever with my patience. Because it is exactly that a fairytale and I need to face head on who she really is and that she will never be good for me.

I really can't believe I fell for the recycle and it's put me back here.  It's just seems so cruel for her to use me when she's low only to just destroy me again .

[Ahoy]

Ok a few things.

1. She might care very much for you and want you, IN THAT MOMENT. That moment might last 10 minutes, it might last a day, it might last a week. Yes there is a LOT of manipulation involved but do not doubt that she wanted you.

2. That want or need likely stems from how you make her feel. Sadly it's more a case of "I love the way you make me feel" rather than "I love you" Narcissistic supply my friend.

3. DO NOT READ INTO WHAT IS SAID EITHER IN CONVERSATION OR IN WRITING. This means positive and negative things said. You base your opinions on her actions only. Go back to point 1, everything that was said (in the first instance the recycling and then the slander during your date) was said based on how she felt at the time.

Now I don't know your story, but if your ex has BPD traits, you need to remember these things.

Please again, don't read too much into her words. It will break your heart and do nothing but make you feel guilt for things you (likely) didn't do. The blame shifting is very real because the disorder seeks to deny itself.


These people are not evil, they live in a chaotic, unstable existence and reach out to anyone or thing they think can soothe this existence. i have a lot of empathy for them. Sadly (for us) the damage they can do to those around them is both permanent and longstanding.

What have you learned from this experience. How will you better protect yourself in the future?

[g2outfitter]

I wanted to believe I was the real love of her life I guess. I'm starting to ramble a bit! But my therapist reminds me that I am not a psychiatrist and can't give her the help she needs. Also that I need to stop living in a fairytale where she wakes up and so in love with me it beats this illness and she changes for ever with my patience. Because it is exactly that a fairytale and I need to face head on who she really is and that she will never be good for me.

I really can't believe I fell for the recycle and it's put me back here.  It's just seems so cruel for her to use me when she's low only to just destroy me again .

This is exactly what my T said.  It is sad because my exBPD talked constantly about how she was never shown the type of love by her parents that most people receive.  So logically, I made it my goal to give her that kind of unconditional love.  I thought if that is what she received it would open her eyes to a whole new world.  It just doesn't work that way.  She even admitted to me that she knew my love was unconditional - but her behavior never changed and she left me anyway.  Looking back, even though she rarely said anything good about her exes, I'm pretty sure they tried to give her the same kind of love I did.  No matter who it was though, we all came to the same inevitable ending.  So will the next guy, and the next, and the next... .

[In a bad way]

This is exactly what my T said.  It is sad because my exBPD talked constantly about how she was never shown the type of love by her parents that most people receive.  So logically, I made it my goal to give her that kind of unconditional love.  I thought if that is what she received it would open her eyes to a whole new world.  It just doesn't work that way.  She even admitted to me that she knew my love was unconditional - but her behavior never changed and she left me anyway.  Looking back, even though she rarely said anything good about her exes, I'm pretty sure they tried to give her the same kind of love I did.  No matter who it was though, we all came to the same inevitable ending.  So will the next guy, and the next, and the next... .

I had the same, her parents were bad (she calls them by their first names), her dad kicked her out when she was 16 and had to go looking for her mum.
Her sister was always the favourite and still is, her ex's were all bad men and treated her badly and so on.
I treated her with all the love in the world but she couldn't accept it (she did for the first 4 months), everything and everybody that caused her problems was all taken out on me.

[once removed]

recycling relationships is very common - over 62% of relationships recycle, and its not inherently unhealthy. when we start talking about 3+ recycles, we are entering into unhealthy territory.

as this applies to us, we often reenter these relationships either expecting our partner to change, or believing that they will, when we havent seriously considered our role in the dysfunction, or solutions to affect a meaningful change.

it takes two people to recycle a relationship. presumably you had some doubts. what led you to recycle the relationship?

[hope2727]

Thanks for sharing your story I really needed to hear it tonight.

[marti644]

It is sad because my exBPD talked constantly about how she was never shown the type of love by her parents that most people receive.  So logically, I made it my goal to give her that kind of unconditional love.  I thought if that is what she received it would open her eyes to a whole new world.  It just doesn't work that way. 

Your actions were very logical and I did the same.

I didn't come from a perfect family or was shown unconditional love and I chose to be an optimist and get therapy and have become more self-aware of my own dysfunctions and to provide unconditional love to whoever my partner is.

I am a caretaker through and through and I am proud of that as long as I build better boundaries and become less co-dependent. As I look over my own personal development of the last ten years my eyes have been opened to a whole new world of healthy emotions, even though my family is extremely dysfunctional and my siblings and parents are all in very dysfunctional relationships (my mom and dad are BPD/NC and my siblings and I all have various traits because of this).

Figuring, you gave her a second chance and she chose to go another way. At the end of the day it is a clear choice by anyone, disordered or not to not want to accept or reciprocate unconditional love, to accept that something is wrong or to bury those feelings and blame others.

And it is a clear choice when we (should) leave because of it. Our issue is that we do not leave soon enough when it is clear this person doesn't have the capacity to love in a way that meets our needs as well as theirs.

This is such a hard lesson but is a fruitful one if we turn it into something positive, which is what I am struggling to do.   

[Figuringitout78]

With respect to the moderator - I wasn't looking to recycle the relationship. I had honestly got on with my life and was in a place where I was starting to find myself and feel happy again. I had gone 3 months NC and had honestly not looked at a Facebook post, Instagram post, or any social media post. I'd closed off and closed it all down. I was firm and strong in that decision. It was hard at first but it became habit. She suddenly reengaged and I spent over 4 weeks ignoring it, not wanting to be recycled. It's very easy to say I went looking for it - but for people that have been in my situation it's very hard to push it away constantly when they are so intent on getting you back, unless you in the position of being in a new and valued relationship. The truth is I was ok but was lonely, and I was seeing other women etc but never felt that surge I felt when I was with her. I don't ever know if I'll find that.

I agree I believed what she said, I believed when she sobbed her heart out to me that she was being honest and true and had changed - I wanted to believe it at that moment. I was fooled and naive. And I couldn't be angrier because this time round it seems so much worse than last time and I don't want to be at rock bottom again. But I loved this girl so much with all my heart I really truly did. it's not easy to turn that off - it takes real strength to shut yourself off to it. So was I week, yes. Was I listening to my heart yes - was I outwardly looking to be recycled no.

[once removed]

It's very easy to say I went looking for it - but for people that have been in my situation it's very hard to push it away constantly when they are so intent on getting you back, unless you in the position of being in a new and valued relationship.

i understand. i dont think you were weak, and the point is not to scold you for recycling the relationship, far from it; but to break it down, explore "how we got here", from point A to point B - and whether or not its a road you want to go back down.

she sends messages that pull at the heart strings. you find yourself back in a romantic relationship. one doesnt necessarily lead to the other. things happened in between, even if you were passive to them.

a new and valued relationship isnt necessarily the solution either. lots of members have rebounded, only to recycle.

the point? you werent emotionally done with the relationship and neither was she. thats what leads to recycling relationships (again, common in all relationships).

how are you feeling now? resolved? doubtful?

[getfree]

Thanks for sharing Figuringitout78.

Please don't beat yourself up, I suspect most of the members of the forum have been through at least a couply of recycles before finally disengaging.

I had ridden everything for 3 weeks, and even that night stayed largely relaxed silent - but this had all been brought in by a 4 minuets conversation when I tried to set a boundry with her.

This part of your original post struck me as this was exactly what happened in my situation. After we recycled I set some boundaries (non-offensive, "self care" stuff) and this was exactly what caused the second rage and discard episode. I think it is worth reminding yourself when you are feeling negative that your ex has attacked and discarded you (in part at least) because you are doing something that is an act of self-care. Reflect on this - someone who truly loves you would encourage and embrace your benefiting yourself.

Unfortunately people who suffer from BPD tend I think to see this as an act of betrayal on the part of the none which triggers the rage and discarding. Which also explains all of the nasty, hurtful comments - they don't want to feel like they are being abandoned so they invent reasons why your abandonment is meaningless to them ("you aren't good enough for me anyway".

Ultimately it's natural to want/hope/believe that people can change and when someone is desperate to convince you that is the case, and they are doing it to facilitate your relationship working it is incredibly easy to allow yourself to get back onto fantasy island and believe it to be the case. I certainly was guilty of this and prolonged my own recovery. Please don't beat yourself about this - it is totally normal and you wouldn't have any insight unless you had experienced (outside of people simply telling you).

[blueblue12]

Hey Figuringitout78,
Your post really resonated with me so I am wondering how things are developing in your life, I am currently NC and feeling better for this, it is sadly the only way forward it seems, I cannot trust anything my ex says... .it will always end in tears... .

[LostInMemories]

even when I sent her back the whatsap messages - which only caused me to get the classic "well that's how I felt at the time" line ... .

This... .
Keeps amazing me, the more I read on here the more I see how all these story's are scary similar to each other. Even 'small' details like these, it just all adds up...

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the strength to get through this.
You're not alone buddy. We need to help each other because no-one else really actually understands.

[Figuringitout78]

Hey thanks everyone for the continued messages. How am I feeling now? Honestly I'm a mess. It doesn't matter what anyone says, when you have put yourself on the line for anyone else, and then they hit you with such, anger, venom and spitefulness out of the blue it's a shock to the system. When you put everything aside to help them, they wrap their arms around you and tell you how much they have loved and missed you, and then hit you suddenly with such abuse again, it's a shock. The other thing is I noticed how good she was at finding out about me, through the course of our relationship - all my secrets in regards to my own insecurities etc - and then using all those insecurities by magnifying on them and throwing them back at me with such venom when she wanted to bring me down. It was hard for me to pick my head up the first time that happened - the second time is torture for me mentally. The problem is there is the rational side of me that "knows for sure" , she has issues that are causing  her to do this. But then there is the other side of my brain which believes the thing she says, and they play over and over on my head. This girl is beyond beautiful, she's an ex actress and model and gets attention every where she goes. Guys flock to her. So even with everything that's gone on, even though I know the guys that flock to her will ultimately get the same treatment I've got and it will always repeat because she's desperately confused, unhappy, empty and  looking for perfection and will never be happy - even with all of that I still feel that I've failed, she's better than me and I've lost her again. And her words about me as a person keep ringing in my ears. Even though I had gotten on with my life and she came back for me and wouldn't quit until she had me back on board. Don't get me wrong I know I'm not a bad looking guy and I know I get attention myself - but she's killed my self confidence again. It's also the tossing me aside thing I found very hard to deal with the first time - and I'm again finding hard this time. It will never make sense to me that someone can call you everyday when you wake up, every evening before you go to sleep - 4 times in between, and then that person just decided they hate you and is never going to speak to you again. My head will never understand being discarded like that.

So agin how am I doing - it's ups and its downs. I'm
NC again - this time I've blocked her on everything so she can't reach me. Not that I think she'd think of messaging me in million years right now -  it if the urge takes her in 3months or whatever. I feel like I'm back living the dream I was in the first time it happened - im upset confused, let down and dissapointed and on top of that I'm ashamed I let someone treat me like that again. It's never easy no matter what the situation is to have someone sit across from you, and tell you all the things that are no good about you and highlight your insecurities with venom especially when it's someone you love that you jump in front of a bullet for. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other again and learn to slowly try and fade her from my mind... .again!